Jokes

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Catherine, one of my son's friends when he was little, told me that she wanted to be President one day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there with us - and I asked Catherine - 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'

Catherine replied - 'I would give new houses to all the homeless people. Then they would have a place of their own to live'

'Wow - what a worthy goal you have there, Catherine.' I told her, 'You don't have to wait until you're Presiden t to do that, you can come over to my house and clean up all the dog poop in the back yard and I will pay you $15 dollars. Then we can go over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out and you can give him the $15 dollars to use for a new house.'

Catherine (who was about 4) thought that over for a second, while her mom looked at me seething, and Catherine replied, 'why doesn't the homeless guy come over and clean up the dog poop and you can pay him the $15 dollars.'



Welcome to the Republican Party!!!

(actually, not a joke)
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A woman, married three times, walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding

gown for her fourth wedding.

'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color are you looking for?'

The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature is considered more

appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean?

Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'

'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness, 'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite

appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding; he died as we were checking into our hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'

'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.

'Oh, he was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.'
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SCHOOL ANSWERING MACHINE
This is hilarious - no wonder some people were offended! This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High School California staff voted unanimously to record on their school telephone answering machine.

This is the actual answering machine message for the school. This came about because they implemented a policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their children's absences and missing homework.

The school and teachers are being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times during the semester and did not complete enough school work to pass their classes.

The outgoing message:

'Hello! You have reached the automated answering service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a selection: '

'To lie about why your child is absent - Press 1'

'To make excuses for why your child did not do his work -Press 2'

'To complain about what we do - Press 3'

'To swear at staff members - Press 4'

'To ask why you didn't get information that was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to you - Press 5'

'If you want us to raise your child - Press 6'

'If you want to reach out and touch, slap or hit someone - Press 7'

'To request another teacher, for the third time this year - Press 8'

'To complain about bus transportation - Press 9'

'To complain about school lunches - Press 0'

'If you realize this is the real world and your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!'

'If you want this in Spanish, move to a country that speaks it!'
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U.S. Navy Directive 16134 (Inappropriate T-Shirts) -- The following
directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval
installations in the Middle East. (It was obviously directed at the
Marines.)

To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24K
All commanders promulgate upon receipt.

The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any
military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East:

1. 'Eat Pork or Die' [both English and Arabic versions]
2. 'Shrine Busters' [Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery
shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]
3. 'Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy' [Both English and Arabic versions]
4. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast anymore.' [Both English and
Arabic versions]
5. 'The road to Paradise begins with me.' [Mostly Arabic versions, but
some in English. Some show sniper scope cross-hairs.]
6. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.' [Both Arabic and
English
versions]
7. 'Pork. The other white meat.' [Arabic version]
8. 'Infidel' [English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of
this directive. In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon
receipt of this message:

1. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800
Daily.'
2. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dummies?'

All commands are instructed to implement sensitivity training upon
receipt.