Jokes

[cobra de capell]

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC)



Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear or are about to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said,

'Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?'

'Wait a moment,' Socrates replied. 'Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three.'

'Test of Three?'

'That's correct,' Socrates continued. 'Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth.

Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?'

'No,' the man replied, 'actually I just heard about it.'

'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness.

Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?'

'No, on the contrary...'

'So,' Socrates continued, 'you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?'

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued, 'You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?'

'No, not really...'

'Well,' concluded Socrates, 'if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?'

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

[Ron61]

A few days before the young couple was to get married,
the girl accidentally walked in on her husband to be. He
was just climbing out of the shower drying his head with
a towel and didn't see her.
She was unsure of what she had seen, so she went to her
doctor for advice. "Doc," she said, "What is that long
thing between a man's legs?"
"Well, that is called the penis." he said.
"Oh." she said, "Well, what is that big round thing on
the end of the penis?"
"That is called the head of the penis." the doctor said.
"Oh." she said, "Well, what are those big round things
located about thirteen inches back from the head of the
penis?" The doctor said, "Honey, I don't know about your
boyfriend but on me, that is the cheeks of my ass."

[cobra de capell]

Two Crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, 'I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don't get it.'

'Well,' said the big Croc, 'what have you been eating?'

'Politicians, same as you,' replied the small Croc.

'Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?'

'Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.'

'Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?'

'Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the s$it out of them and eat 'em!'

'Ah!' says the big Crocodile, 'I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the s$it out of a Politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.
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After being interviewed by the school administration, the teaching prospect said,

'Let me see if I've got this right:

'You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

'You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self esteem and personal pride.

'You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a checkbook, and apply for a job. You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behavior, and make sure that they all pass the state exams.

'You want me to provide them with an equal education regard less of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

'You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps. You want me to do all this and then you tell me:


I CAN'T PRAY?

[cobra de capell]

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, then leaned over towards her and whispered, 'Is that one word or two?'
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And the Lord spoke to Noah: ''In six months I'm going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water and all the evil people are destroyed. But I want to save a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build Me an Ark.''

And in a flash of lightning He delivered the specifications for an Ark.

''Okay," said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

''Six months, and it starts to rain,'' thundered the Lord. ''You'd better have my Ark completed, or learn how to swim for a very long time.''

And six months passed.

The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall.

The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard, weeping.

And there was no Ark.

''Noah," shouted the Lord, "where is my Ark?'' A lightning bolt crashed into the ground next to Noah, for emphasis.

''Lord, please forgive me," begged Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems. First I had to get a building permit for the Ark construction project, and your plans didn't meet code. So I had to hire an engineer to redraw the plans. Then I got into a big fight over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected claiming I was violating zoning by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. Then I had a big problem getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we got 16 carpenters going on the boat, and still no owls. Then I started gathering up the animals, and got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me taking only two of each kind. Just when I got the suit dismissed, EPA notified me that I couldn't complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. Then the Army Corps of Engineers wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. And the IRS has seized all my assets claiming I'm trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just got a notice from the state about owing some kind of use tax. I really don't think I can finish your Ark for at least another five years,'' Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear. The sun began to shine. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up and smiled.

''You mean you're not going to destroy the earth?'' Noah asked, hopefully.

''Wrong!'' thundered the Lord. ''But being Lord of the Universe has its advantages. I fully intend to smite the earth, but with something far worse than a flood. Something man invented himself.''

''What's that?'' asked Noah.

There was a long pause, and then the Lord spoke: ''Government.''
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A woman visited a plastic surgeon who told her about a new procedure called 'The Knob,' where a small knob is placed at the top of woman's head and could be turned to tighten up her skin and the effect of a brand new face-lift.

Of course, the woman wanted 'The Knob.'

Over the course of the years, the woman tightened the knob, and the effects were wonderful, the woman remained young looking and vibrant.

After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

'All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems: First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of
them.'

The doctor looked at her closely and said, 'Those aren't bags, those are your breasts.'

She said, 'Well, I guess there's no point in asking about the goatee.'

[cobra de capell]

The other day an older couple was sitting at the local steak house enjoying an evening out. As the evening went on the man was having a tough time chewing his steak. As he complained to his wife about his old dentures the couple at the next table overheard and the gentleman reached in his pocket, pulled out a set of teeth and said "try these."

After chewing for a little while he commented they were a little loose. The gentleman reached in his other pocket, took out another set and exchanged.

After another piece of steak the man said these are better, but just a tad tight. The gentleman reached in his breast pocket and produced a third set.

After a bite of steak, then another and yet another the old man grinned and said these are perfect!

The couples continued their meals and evenings side by side without any more exchange. As the gentleman and his wife got up to leave the elderly lady thanked him profusely for the help and inquired "Are you a dentist?" "No" came the reply "A funeral director."
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits.

It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.

"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"

"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one.
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A man, seeking to join the police department, is being interviewed.

The Inspector says: "Your qualifications are good, but there is an attitude test that you must pass before you can join."

Sliding a pistol across the desk, he says: "Take this pistol - go out and shoot six illegal immigrants, six drug dealers, six child molesters and a rabbit."

"...Why the rabbit?"

"GREAT attitude," says the Inspector, "You passed! When can you start?"
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