Jokes

[cobra de capell]

A little Redneck Poem:

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,
SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.
SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,
SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,
YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.
I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,
BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE
AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.
BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,
HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,
AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.
BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'
I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,
JUST DO WHAT MAKES YA' HAPPY.
MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;
YA' AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.
_____

Ed and Dorothy met while on an extended vacation and Ed fell head over heels in 'like' with her.

But after a couple of weeks, wherein Ed took Dorothy out to various dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, etc., he was convinced that it was true love.

And so....on the last night of his vacation, the two of them went to dinner and had a serious talk about how the relationship would continue.

"It's only fair to warn you that I'm a total golf nut," Ed said to his new-found lady friend, "I eat, sleep and breathe golf, so if that's
going to be a problem, you'd better say so now!"

Dorothy took a deep breath and responded, "Since we're being totally honest with each other, here goes....you need to know that I'm a hooker."

"I see," Ed replied.

Looking down at the table, he was quiet for a moment, deep in thought.

Then he continued, "You know, it's probably because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you tee off."

[cobra de capell]

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner. This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole.. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart.

It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.

The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip. This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she sh*ts all over you!'
_____

A women's CHRISTMAS wish list.....

If I had 1 wish this Christmas, it would be for all the children of the world to join together in peace and love and sing in harmony.

If I had 2 wishes this Christmas, it would be for:
1: All the Children of the world to sing together
2: $1,000,000 tax free

If I had 3 wishes this Christmas:
1: Kids singing together
2: $1,000,000 tax free per year for life
3: To have all encompassing power over the universe

If I had 4 wishes this Christmas:
1: The crap about the kids
2: $1,000,000
3: All encompassing power
4: 1 extended orgasm to last 30 days, brought about by
2 male models and, of course, my husband

Let's face it, the logistics of getting all those kids together is impossible. So, let's rearrange:
1: All encompassing power
2: The orgasm
3: The money

OH! I forgot to strike down my enemies. Okay, so we add that in.

Now, my wish this Christmas would be:

1: The power
2: To strike down my enemies, may they die like pigs in hell
3. The orgasm
4. The Money
5. And with my fifth wish this holiday season I would like for all the
children of the world to join together in peace and love and sing
in harmony.
____

TOP OF THE WORLD.......

[cobra de capell]

An elderly couple, Linda and Bob, moved to the country. Bob always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Linda looked him over. "Nope.' Frustrated, Bob stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Linda, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?!" Linda looked up and exclaimed, "Bob, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow!" Furious, Bob yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, Linda?" "Nope," she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!" Without changing her expression, Linda replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bob. Shoulda bought a hat."
_____

It was a hot day in Minnesota . Helga hung out the wash to dry, put a roast in the oven, and then went downtown to pick up some dry cleaning.


'Gootness, it's hotter Dan hell today,' she mused to herself as she walked down Main Street . She passed a tavern and thought , 'Vy nodt?'

She walked in and took a seat at the bar.The bartender walked up and asked her what she would like to drink.

'Ya know,' Helga said, 'it is zo hot, I tink I'll have myself a cold beer'.

'Anheuser Busch?' the bartender asked.

Helga blushed and replied, 'Vell fine, tanks, und how's yur viener?'
_____

You are driving down the road in your Cobra on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your Cobra? Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS....... The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'

HOWEVER....... The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the hood of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.


God, I just love happy endings!

[cobra de capell]

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Sarah Palin" in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain a deadly virus.

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton" in the subject line, do not open it. It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.
_____

Three rabbits escape from a testing lab and find an entire field full of carrots.

They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.

The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight.

They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep throughout the night.

The next morning, the rabbits get to talking.

"I'm gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.

"I'm gonna go back to those cute little rabbits," says the second.

"I'm going back to the lab," says the third. "I'm dying for a cigarette."
_____

Obama got out of the shower and was drying off when he looked in the mirror and noticed he was white from the neck up to the top of his head.

In sheer panic and fearing he was turning white and might have to start working for a living, he called his doctor and told him of his problem.

The doctor advised him to come to his office immediately. After the examination, the doctor mixed up a concoction of brown liquid, gave it to Obama, and told him to drink it all.

Obama drank the concoction and replied, " That tasted like bull****!"

The doctor replied "It was, you were a quart low"
_____

Lost Wallet

A guy was traveling through Mexico on vacation when, lo and behold, he lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home, but was stopped by the Customs Agent at the Tijuana border.

'May I see your ID.? Por favor, senor?' asked the agent.

'I'm sorry, but I seem to have lost my wallet,' replied the guy.

'Si, amigo, I hear that every day. No ID, no crossing the border ,' said the agent.

'But I can prove that I'm an American!' he exclaimed. 'I have a picture of Bill Clinton tattooed on one butt cheek and a picture of Hillary Clinton tattooed on the other."

'This I got to see, senor,' replied the agent.

With that, he dropped his pants & bent over in front of the agent. 'By golly, you're right!' exclaimed the agent. 'Have fun in Chicago.'

'Thanks!' he said. 'But how did you know I was from Chicago?'

The agent replied, 'I recognized Barack Obama in the middle!'
_____

Pappa Mole, Mamma Mole and Baby Mole all lived in a Mole Hole. One day Pappa Mole stuck his head out of the hole and said "mmmm, I smell maple syrup". Mama Mole joined him and stuck her head out the hole and said "mmmm, I smell honey". Baby Mole wanted to join them, but Mamma and Pappa had the hole filled and he couldn't get up there to stick his head out. Baby Mole said "hum, all I smell is molasses"

[cobra de capell]

A old married couple were stopped at a traffic signal. The wife looked over at the young couple in the car next to them (sitting very close to one another).

Turning to her husband she commented..."Remember when we used to sit like that?"

Smiling, the husband replied "I didn't move."
_____

Things to Ponder

Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even get into my own pants.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and s$ithead's.

Isn't it funny how the mood can be ruined so quickly by just one busted condom.

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
____

With the problems in the financial sector in the UK and USA , uncertainty has now hit Japan .

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

[Ron61]

Electric Fence

We have the standard 6ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.

To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence.

I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Walmart 6hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way. It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and nut all at the same time;I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and
BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I cant let go.

I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences... but Dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This I could not let go of.

The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the perma-damp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, jizz, and with my balls on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... pleeeeze die'.

But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me.

God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire... I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was much later on in the day and I was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had lain while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and semen when all mixed together, do not smell as bad a you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumna***** now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling
or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this?)

That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I a always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news: if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over.

Which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.