Jokes

[cobra de capell]

(Washington, D.C., 1/8/09) In a statement to be released tomorrow, the incoming administration of President-Elect Barack Obama has promised government intervention in the worldwide web by the creation of a U.S. mandated operating system to be named “Barix 1.0" which will, by government decree, replace Windows, MAC and Linux among a few, plus a plethora of browsers such as Firefox and Internet Explorer."

“The esteemed, highly decorated and patriotic Senator Kerry once said, “You can’t professionalize unless you federalize” when talking about the creation of the TSA. The creation of this professionally prepared, foolproof government created operating system will be as efficiently handled as other government programs. We expect it to be rolled out on schedule in 2010, and hopefully under the $712.8B budget currently being allocated.”

“The free market and privately/publicly owned companies have failed miserably to limit unacceptable content. Access on Barix 1.0 will be granted to mainstream sites such as ABC.com, CBS.com, MSNBC.com, the HuffPo and DU, but in order to visit sites of questionable origin such as FOX, Drudge, Rush, Boortz and so on, permission will be required from the government. A simple request form of only 127 pages of single spaced questions (plus additional blank pages to explain some answers), plus your addition into a government database, plus a complete background check and access to your financial records will enhance, though not guarantee, the slim chance you’ll be able to read these sites, provided they’re still online once we complete the purge.”

Developing..
_____

YOU GOT TO LOVE THE LAW

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm
while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin' me?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you ****tin ' me? Your Honour, I think I need a different attorney.
Can I get a new attorney?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And the best for last:
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
____

Wus DA night afo' Crizzmus, and all thru DA hood, everybody be sleepin' and DA sleepin' be good.
We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck, dat dear Ol' Obama's, gunna brang us our checks.

All of DA family, was ly'in on the flow, my sister wif her gurlfriend, and my brother wif some hoe.
Ashtrays was all full , empty beer cans and all when I heared such a fuss, I thunk...."Sh'eet, it must be DA law".

I pulled the sheet off DA windoe and what I'ze could see, I was spectin' the sherrif, wif a warrant of me.
But what did I see, made me say, "Laaawd look at dat". Dere was a huge watermelon, pulled by 8 big-ass rats.

Now over all of DA years, Santy Claws he be white, but it looks like us brotha's, got a black un' tonight.

Faster than a poe'lice car, my homeboy he came, and whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name.

On Biden, On Jessie, On Polosi and Hillary Who, On Fannie, On Freddi, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too.
Obama landed dat melon, right there in DA street, I knowed it of sho', - can you believe that Sh'eet!.

Dat Santy didn't need no chimney, he picked DA lock on my doe, an I sez to myself, "Son O *****...he don did dis befoe"!

He had a big bag, full of presents - at first I suspeck? Wif "Air Jordans" and fake gold, to wear roun my neck.

But he left me no presents, just started stealin my ****. He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit.
Den, wif my crap in his bag, out DA windoe he flew, I sho' woulda shanked him, be he snagged my knife too.

He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch, and waz gone in two seconds, "democrat son of a *****".

So nex year I be hopin', a white Santy we git, 'cause a black Santy Claws, just ain't worf a **** !!!!