Jokes

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Q. Why did George Bush declare a state of emergency for Barack Obama's inauguration?
A. Because everyone knows it's a national disaster.



Q. What's an example of irony?
A. Bruce Springsteen is scheduled to sing "Born in the USA" at Barack Obama's inauguration.

Chief Justice Roberts: Knock, knock.
Barack Obama: Who's there?
Chief Justice Roberts: Kenya.
Barack Obama: Kenya who?
Chief Justice Roberts: Kenya show me your birth certificate before you're sworn in?

Barack Obama: Knock, knock.
Taxpayers at the inauguration: Who's there?
Barack Obama: Eff.
Taxpayers at the inauguration: Eff who?
Barack Obama: Eff you.

Q. Why will there two presidential limousines for the inauguration?

A. So Hillary won’t know which one he’s in.

Q. What is the difference between Barack Obama and Jimmy Carter?

A. Jimmy Carter waited until after the inauguration to ruin the economy.

Q. Why did the Secret Service double security on Michelle Obama immediately after the inauguration?

A. If something happened to her, then Barack would be in charge.

Why did Jimmy Carter vote for Obama?

Because he didn’t want to be the worst President in American History.

A 6th grade teacher asked her class “How many of you are Obama fans?” Half the class were, but another fourth didn’t know what and Obama fan was, and the other fourth, all exect one, didn’t really care. So, just to be on the good side of the teacher, the two fourths of the class raised their hands, and of course, the one half also raised their hands.
There sat young Michael, sadly, the only one who didn’t have his hand raised. The teacher asked him, “so Michael, why aren’t you an Obama fan?”
Michael said “My parents are Republicans, my brother who’s in college is a Republican, so I am a republican.” Peeved by the answer, the teacher asked, “so if your parents were idiots and your brother was a moron, what would that make you?”
Michael said “An Obama fan.”

A winner....

"The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average Obama voter.”

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.

Can you please help me?

Sincerely,

Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those Bastards at the post office.

Sincerely,

Edna

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Q. Why will Obama hold a séance once he's in the White House?
A. So that he can thank everybody who voted for him.

President elect Obama has arranged for his first meeting with foreign leaders from other countries to demonstrate his foreign policy expertise. It's scheduled to run for five minutes.

Q. What will America's national bird be when Obama takes office? A. His middle finger.

Obama's staff is preparing for his first press conference as President. They're busy writing the questions.

Q. What will the difference be between President Obama and Karl Marx?
A. Nobody knows.

Unlike former Presidents, Obama is not a member of the NRA, National Rifle Association. He's joined William Ayers organization instead. The NBA, the National Bombers Association.

Q. Why did the Secret Service install lightning rods at the White House?
A. To protect President Obama as he took his Oath of Office.

As President, Obama intends to run the country's finances just like he ran his household finances. He's got a book of blank checks

Q. Why will Obama ride in the back of a Presidential limousine?
A. The Vatican wouldn't sell him a Pope-Mobile.

Q. Why will President Obama get a new puppy for the White House?
A. Joe Biden is getting on in years.

Q. What’s black and blue and dead all over?
A. Anyone who dares to tell a joke about President Obama in public.

Q. What do SIMBA and OBAMA have in common?
A. They're both cartoons.

Q. Why will President Obama bulldoze the Rose Garden?
A. He doesn't want any bushes at the White House.

Q. What will President Obama replace the rose bushes with?
A. Opium poppies.

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Question on Obama's Web site:

During George W. Bush's reign protesters often demonstrated against American foreign policy in Washington. Can dissidents still do that under President Obama?

Obama's Web site answers:

Yes. Under President Obama dissidents will still be able to demonstrate against the foreign policy of George W. Bush.
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Statistics are in and they say over 2 million people attended the inauguration for Obama. Only 13 had to call in to work.
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In a recent survey carried out for leading toiletries firm ‘Brut’, people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of Chicago ‘s elite residents, and government official’s (almost all of whom are registered Democrats) said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they hadn’t been to prison yet.
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By the way, Happy New Year 2009

As I reflect on 2008, I can say we had a great year:

Blacks are happy; Obama was elected.

Whites are happy, OJ is in jail.

Democrats are happy; George Bush is leaving office.

Republicans are happy: Democrats will finally quit saying George Bush stole the election.

And all of us are so happy; The election is finally over!

I think 2009 will be even better: Immediately after his inauguration, Obama will balance the budget, revive the economy, solve the real estate problem, solve the auto industry problem, solve our gas/alternative energy problem, stop the fires and mudslides in California, ban hurricanes and tornadoes, stop identity theft, reverse global warming, find Osama, solve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, get rid of corruption in government and achieve world peace . Then on the 7th day, He will rest.

My best wishes for 2009

“The government cannot give to anyone anything that it does not first take from someone else.”