Jokes

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A lawyer had a jury trial for a very difficult business case. The client, who up until then had been attending the trial, was out of town at the time the jury came back with its verdict. The decision was a complete victory for the lawyer and his client. The excited lawyer sent a telegram to the client, which read, simply:
"Justice has triumphed!"

The client, a realistic man, received the telegram and wired back: "Appeal at once!"
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A nine year old boy walked into his parents' room and saw his dad with Mom bent over the foot of the bed etc etc and dad waived him away. Feeling guilty the next day and wanting to explain what's what to the boy, he walked into the boy's room and saw Granma bent over etc etc and dad said What on Earth are you doing? and Boy said:

"Not so funny when it's YOU'RE Mother, eh?"
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ATTENTION!!!


ALIENS ARE COMING TO ABDUCT ALL THE GOOD LOOKING AND SEXY PEOPLE!!


YOU WILL BE SAFE, I'M JUST EMAILING TO SAY GOODBYE!!
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Probably a repeat, but funny....

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

Ask your doctor about Tequila!

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about Tequila . Tequila is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. Tequila can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you're ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of Tequila almost immediately, and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.

Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past, (well shyness anyway) and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with Tequila.

Tequila may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use Tequila. However, women who wouldn't mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.

Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of
grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

Tequila. Leave Shyness Behind.

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An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French customs desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked, sarcastically.

The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to
help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Damn Frenchmen to show it to."
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One afternoon, three close friends named Hercules, Sleeping Beauty and Don Juan, sat by the river contemplating their lives.

Bold and arrogant, Hercules exclaimed that he was surely the strongest person in the world. "That may be true," said Sleeping Beauty, "but I am better because I am obviously the most beautiful person in the world."
Don Juan laughed at both of them and said that without a doubt, he must be the greatest stud alive simply because he had been with the most women.

After several hours of argument, they decided to consult a Guru for the truth. First, Hercules went into the Guru's cave. A few moments later he came out with a massive grin on his face. The Guru had said that he was, in fact, the strongest person in the world. He was very pleased.

Sleeping beauty came out of the cave with a lovely smile saying, "It is true! I AM the most beautiful woman in the world!"

Moments later a distraught Don Juan came stomping out of the cave muttering, "Who in the hell is Bill Clinton?"
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Two Iraqi spies met in a busy restaurant after they had successfully slipped into the U.S.

The first spy starts speaking in Arabic.

The second spy shushes him quickly and whispers: "Don't blow our cover.
You're in America now. Speak Spanish."
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THINGS A MOTHER WOULD NEVER SAY!

"Just live with him.. you don't have to marry him.. I don't need
any grandchildren"

"Be good and for your birthday I'll buy you a motorcycle!"

"How on earth can you see the TV, sitting so far back?"

"Don't bother wearing a jacket -- it's quite warm out."

"Let me smell that shirt -- yeah, it's good for another week."

"I think a cluttered bedroom is a sign of creativity."

"Yeah, I used to skip school, too."

"Just leave all the lights on...it makes the house more cheery."

"Could you turn the music up louder, so I can enjoy it, too?"

"Run and bring me the scissors! Hurry!"

"Aw, just turn these undies inside out. No one will ever know."

"I don't have a tissue with me -- just use your sleeve."

"Well, if Timmy's Mom says it's okay, that's good enough for me."

"Of course you should walk to school and back. What's the big
deal about having to cross a few main streets?"

"My meeting won't be over till later tonight. You kids don't mind
skipping dinner, do you?"

"I saw your subscription to Playboy was expiring so I sent in a
check to renew."

"If she wants you both to move back east to live near her family
it's fine with me."

"Mother's day, Shmother's Day you just go to the beach and enjoy
yourselves."

"You don't have to call me every week I know how busy you are."

"You are so lucky to have your in-laws"

"Your wife knows best - forget about the advice I gave you"

[cobra de capell]

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for
admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.

One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and
helped kids overcome their deformities. " St. Peter said, "You can enter."

The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate
themselves." St. Peter also invited him in.

The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I
helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can
come in, too."

But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added,

"You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."
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One beautiful morning a woman's 15 yr. old daughter announced to her Mom that she was pregnant, The Mom in a state of shock to this news blurted out Oh my God are you sure, the daughter produced a positive pregnancy test strip and said Yes , the Mom said I thought we raised you better then this. how? When? Why? Tell me who's the father? the daughters reply to the questions was "I don't know!" "I don't know!" "I don't know!" "How should I know You and dad never let me go steady!
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A fair haired person goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.

She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination? "

The blonde says, "God help us. Has it come to this?

Give me 22 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 6 Baptists".
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[cobra de capell]

At a convention of biological scientists, one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?"

"Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?"

"Well, for five reasons. First, we found that lawyers are far more plentiful. Second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them. Third, lawyers multiply faster in numbers, Fourth, animal rights groups will not object to their torture. And fifth, there are some things even a rat won't do. There is a drawback however; sometimes it's very hard to extrapolate the test results to human beings"
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A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents, the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note:

"I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons but she wears short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I were there to put them on for you the first time as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year!

All my love.

P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing."
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An Iowan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The Iowan is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAY!" The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the Iowan says, "What's that noise?"
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One day Gramma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water to cook dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Gramma's kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Gramma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Gramma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Gramma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared as I am, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
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A Lawyer’s Deal With The Devil

An aspiring young lawyer was sitting in her office late one night, when Satan appeared before her. The Devil told the lawyer “I have a proposition for you…”

“You can win every case you try for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your your husband’s soul, your children’s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and the souls of all your friends and law partners.”

The lawyer ponders this for a moment, then finally asks: “So, what’s the catch?”
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American, Canadian And A Jew In Heaven

On a dark and stormy night, an American, Canadian and a Jew were in a horrible car accident. All three were rushed to the hospital, though all three had died before they arrived.

Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he awoke and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses asked him what had happened.

“Well,” said the American, “I remember the crash, and then there was a bright white light, and then the Canadian and the Jew and I were standing at the pearly gates of heaven. St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and that for a donation of $150 we could return to the earth.”

He continued, ” So of course, I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $150, and the next thing I knew I was back here.”

“That’s amazing!” said one of the doctors, “But what happened to the other two?”

“Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Jew was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.”
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[cobra de capell]

The doctor told me "Physical exercise is good for you." So, I have worked out this easy daily program.

I can do anywhere:

Monday:
Beat around the bush.
Jump to conclusions.
Climb the walls.
Wade through paperwork.

Tuesday:
Drag my heels.
Push my luck.
Make mountains out of mole hills.
Hit the nail on the head.

Wednesday:
Bend over backwards.
Jump on the band wagon.
Balance the books.
Run around in circles.

Thursday:
Toot my own horn.
Climb the ladder of success.
Pull out the stops.
Add fuel to the fire.

Friday:
Open a can of worms.
Put my foot in my mouth.
Start the ball rolling.
Go over the edge.

Saturday:
Pick up the pieces.


Whew! What a workout!
You are invited to use my program without charge!!

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Old Guys Don't Care

As we age, we tend to end up seeing more of the medical establishment. For example, my internist referred me to a female urologist. I saw her yesterday and she is gorgeous. She's beautiful, sexy and unbelievably big breasted. She told me that I have to stop masturbating. When I asked her why, she said, 'Because I'm trying to examine you...'
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Bad day at Hallmark

Ever wondered what happens when Hallmark writers are having a bad day........

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat

When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.

Sorry!
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Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.

But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.
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Looking back over the years

that we've been together,

I can't help but wonder...

'What the hell was I thinking?'
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Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.
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How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?
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I've always wanted to have
someone to hold,

someone to love.

After having met you ...

I've changed my mind.
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I must admit, you brought Religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.
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As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.
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Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?

You'll probably need it again.
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Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee , Kentucky & West Virginia )
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Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost Lifelike!
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When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,

I think it's time you kept your promise.
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We have been friends for a very long time .

let's say we stop?
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I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're here.
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Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?
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Your friends and I wanted to do

something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.
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So your daughter's a hooker,
and it spoiled your day.

Look at the bright side,

it's really good pay
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A CHL motorist on the Ohio Turnpike gets stopped by the Ohio Turnpike Patrol.

The driver pulls over, rolls his window down, and puts his hands on the steering wheel.

As the officer approaches the driver's window, the driver tells the officer that he is CHL and that he is carrying.

He then ask the officer how he would like to proceed?

The Patrolman ask the driver if he, meaning "the patrolman" has anything to be afraid of while conducting his traffic stop?

The driver responded by saying, "Not yet"!

[cobra de capell]

Apples to Oranges?

Of Abe and Barry.............everyone compares the two......

1. Lincoln placed his hand on the Bible for his inauguration. Obama used the same Bible..

2. Lincoln came from Illinois. Obama comes from Illinois.

3. Lincoln served in the Illinois Legislature. Obama served in the Illinois Legislature.

4. Lincoln had very little experience before becoming President. Obama had very little experience before becoming President.

5. Lincoln rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration. Obama rode the train from Philadelphia to Washington for his inauguration.

6. Lincoln was a skinny lawyer. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

7. Lincoln was a Republican. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

8. Lincoln was highly respected. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

9. Lincoln was born in the United States. Obama is a skinny lawyer.

10. Lincoln was called Honest Abe. Obama is a skinny lawyer.
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Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other." He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?" Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, "Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it?" And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.
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A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan. Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.

The USA is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops.

The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.

Australia is sending medical teams and supplies.

Britain, not to be outdone, is sending two million replacement Pakistanis.

God Bless British generosity.
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