Top 12 Things Not to Say to a Cop
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. (OK in Texas)
Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the Village People?
Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me. Good job!
Are You Andy or Barney?
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a police officer.
You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
I pay your salary!
Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around. That's how far ahead of me they are.
When the Officer says "Gee Son....Your eyes look red, have you been drinking?" You probably shouldn't respond with, "Gee Officer your eyes look glazed, have you been eating doughnuts?"
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Cheatin' cretin
A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her. One day, she dials her home and a strange woman answers.
The woman says, " Who is this?"
"This is the maid," answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid," said the woman.
The maid says, "I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
The woman says, "Well, this is his wife. Is he there?"
The maid replied, "He is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was his wife."
The woman is fuming. She says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?"
The maid says, "What will I have to do?"
The woman tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the jerk and the witch he's with."
The maid puts the phone down; the woman hears footsteps and the gun shots.
The maid comes back to the phone, "What do I do with the bodies?"
The woman says, "Throw them in the swimming pool."
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But there's no pool here."
A long pause and the woman says, "Is this 832-4821?"
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A day in the life of a deaf mute
Once upon a time there were two deaf mutes standing on a street corner talking to each other with sign language.
Mute #1 (SIGN)"What would you like to do?"
Mute #2 (SIGN)"I don't know, what about you?"
Mute #1 (SIGN)"Let's get my car, find some girls, drive to a dark space and have some fun."
Mute #2 (SIGN)"Good idea."
So they get his car, find some girls, drive to a dark spot and are having a ball when the guy in the back seat taps the guy in the front seat on the shoulder.....
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"Have you got any protection?"
Front Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. Don't you?"
Back Seat Mute (SIGN)"No. We had better go to a drug store and get some."
They proceed to drive to a drug store and the man in the back seat gets out and goes inside. In 2 minutes he is back outside and taps on the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I've got a problem."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"I can't make the druggist understand what I want."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"I know What to do."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"What?"
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Go back inside. Put five dollars on the counter. Put your pecker on the counter. He'll know what you want."
Outside Mute (SIGN)"Good idea."
The man goes back into the drug store and 2 minutes later he's back at the car window.
Inside Mute (SIGN)"Well?"
Outside Mute (SIGN)"It didn't work."
Inside Mute (SIGN)"What do you mean?"
Outside Mute (SIGN) "I did what you told me to do. I went inside. I put 5 dollars on the counter. I put my pecker on the counter. He put his on the counter. It was bigger than mine. He took my 5 dollars."
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VIRUS TYPES
CLINTON VIRUS
Gives you a 7 Inch Hard Drive with NO memory.
VIAGRA VIRUS
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
LEWINSKY VIRUS
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, them emails everyone about what it did.
RONALD REAGAN VIRUS
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS
Quits after two bytes.
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.
DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS
Deletes all old files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS
Disks can no longer be inserted.
TITANIC VIRUS
(A strain of the Lewinsky Virus) Your whole computer goes down (but I think "we go on").
DISNEY VIRUS
Everything in your computer goes Goofy
.
PROZAC VIRUS
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.
JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS
Only attacks minor files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS
Terminates some files, leaves, but IT WILL BE BAAAAACK.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS
Re-formats your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.
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