Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Obamunism, a few more......

1) Your ONLY reason for voting for Obama was a shrill and irrational hatred toward GW Bush

2) You fell hook,line and sinker for the Hope and Change Propaganda

3) An inexperienced US senator is fully able to handle the duties of the Presidency while an inexperienced Gov is not AT ALL able to handle the duties of a Vice President.

4) SNL and Tina Fey are reliable and honest news sources

5) Economic Outcomes should be equal regardless of talent, work ethic or risk.

6) Your vote was solely based on the color of the candidate

7) You believe the government should be out of our bodies and bedrooms but should be heavily involved in others wallets.

8) There are 57 states and in 1929 FDR got on the TV to calm the nation after the Wall Street Crash

9) Diversity and Multiculturalism are better than a melting pot

10) Speech is free until you disagree with the message and then it becomes hate speech.

[cobra de capell]

Little Johnny

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so interesting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, "Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss. Then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane........"

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."!

At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his story.

Johnny started his story.

"I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane.

I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt . Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when daddy was in the Army."


Moral for women:


Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt!
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A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. The kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed
in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked
how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply She answered,

"Well, today I didn't do it."
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John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!"

Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted ... "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!"
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A rugged cowboy from Brokeback Mountain, Wyoming, goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, "I am not going to beat around the bush, You have AIDS."

The cowboy tugs at his Stetson and sets his jaw and says, "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice."

The cowboy squares his rugged shoulders and asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

"No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your a*s is for."
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Famous Last Words

I'll get a world record for this.

Let me reach in and get your watch out of the printing press.

Hey, there are no handles inside these car doors!

Gee, that's a cute tattoo.

It's fireproof.

He's probably just hibernating.

What does this button do?

So, you're a cannibal.

It's probably just a rash.

Why am I standing on a plastic sheet?

Are you sure the power is off?

Yeah, I made the deciding vote on the jury, so what of it?

I wonder where the mother bear is.

These are the good kind of mushrooms.

I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

You look just like Charles Manson.

Let it down slowly.

Hand me a fork, the toaster is jammed again.

I can make this light before it changes.

Nice doggie.

You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?

Watch this.

This planet has an atmosphere just like on earth.

That birthmark on you head looks just like a 666.

What duck?
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12 inches was too long so I had it shortened to 6

I was embarrassed by the excessive length sticking out. At the beach, women would stare and snicker as it dangled from side to side as I walked. Men would avert their gaze to avoid eye contact. In public restrooms I even worried that it might touch the floor by accident.

Finally I tied it in a knot and cut the excess off.

I don't know why sneaker manufacturers insist on using shoelaces that extend so far beyond the top eyelet.
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The fourth and fifth graders went on a field trip to the local race track accompanied by their lady teachers.

During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the restroom so it was decided that the girls would go with the 5th grade teacher. And the 4th grade teacher took the boys and waited outside the men's bathroom.

One of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting all the little boys up by their armpits as they did their business.

Though not purposely, while lifting one little boy, she couldn't help but notice that he was particularly well endowed.

"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am," he said "I'm in the 7th, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift."
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Pay back is hell!

Well folks it has finally happened. The blondes of the world got together and to take revenge on the brunettes. Here's their revenge:

WHAT'S BLACK AND BLUE AND BROWN AND LAYING IN A DITCH? A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.

WHAT DO YOU CALL GOING ON A BLIND DATE WITH A BRUNETTE? Brown-bagging it.

WHAT'S THE REAL REASON A BRUNETTE KEEPS HER FIGURE? No one else wants it.

WHY ARE SO MANY BLONDE JOKES ONE-LINERS ? So brunettes can remember them.

WHAT DO YOU CALL A BRUNETTE IN A ROOM FULL OF BLONDES? Invisible.

WHAT'S A BRUNETTE'S MATING CALL? "Has the blonde left yet? "

WHY DIDN'T INDIANS SCALP BRUNETTES? The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.

WHY IS THE BRUNETTE CONSIDERED AN EVIL COLOR? When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?

WHAT DO BRUNETTES MISS MOST ABOUT A GREAT PARTY? The invitation

WHAT DO YOU CALL A GOOD LOOKING MAN WITH A BRUNETTE? A hostage

WHO MAKES BRAS FOR BRUNETTES? Fisher-Price

WHY ARE BRUNETTES SO PROUD OF THEIR HAIR? It matches their mustache
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[cobra de capell]

Dear Pres. Obama,

Thank you for helping my neighbors with their mortgage payments. You know the one’s down the street who in the good times purchased their house for no money down, refinanced it several times, then bought SUV’s, ATV’s, RV’s, a pool, a big screen plasma TV, two Wave Runners, a boat, and a Harley.

I was wondering, since I am paying my mortgage and theirs, could you arrange for me to borrow the Harley now and then?

Signed:
“Concerned in CA”

P.S. They also need help with their credit cards, when do you want me to start making those payments?

P.P.S. I almost forgot - they didn’t file their income tax return this year.

Should I go ahead and file for them or will you be appointing them to cabinet posts?
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Years from now Obama and Bush die of old age only a second apart.

They arrive at the Pearly Gates. Obama died only one second before W so he is ahead in line.

St. Peter says to Obama, “Here are your robes of silk and your staff of gold. Welcome to Heaven”.

W steps up next. St. Peter says to Bush, “Here are your robes of cotton and your staff of wood. Welcome to Heaven”.

George asks, “St. Peter, he gets silk and gold? And I get cotton and wood?”

St. Peter says, “George, while you were President, the people peacefully slept. While Obama was President the people constantly prayed. The Lord rewards results.”

[DAVID GAGNARD]

Dear Pres. Obama,

Thank you for helping my neighbors with their mortgage payments. You know the one’s down the street who in the good times purchased their house for no money down, refinanced it several times, then bought SUV’s, ATV’s, RV’s, a pool, a big screen plasma TV, two Wave Runners, a boat, and a Harley.

I was wondering, since I am paying my mortgage and theirs, could you arrange for me to borrow the Harley now and then?

Signed:
“Concerned in CA”

P.S. They also need help with their credit cards, when do you want me to start making those payments?

P.P.S. I almost forgot - they didn’t file their income tax return this year.

Should I go ahead and file for them or will you be appointing them to cabinet posts?

Too bad this is true, I know some folks like that, heck, I'm related to some folks like that.....

David