Jokes

[cobra de capell]

BEST IDEA I HAVE HEARD IN A LONG, LONG TIME !!!

Members of Congress should be compelled to wear uniforms just like NASCAR drivers, so we could identify their corporate sponsors.
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The Five Stages of Drunkenness

Stage 1 - SMART

This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for an interesting argument when both parties are SMART.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING

This is when you realize that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH

This is when you suddenly become the richest person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind the bar. You can also make bets at this stage,because of course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your bets. It doesn't matter how much you bet 'cos you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF

You are now ready to pick fights with anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you are RICH and hell, you're BETTER LOOKING than they are anyway!

Stage 5 - AT ONE WITH THE WORLD

Once you realize that you do indeed have it all, SMART,RICH,GOOD-LOOKING and INDESTRUCTIBLE, the incredible beauty of nature takes over. Any patch of grass, no matter how small or how publicly located, becomes an inviting field in which to lay your head and take a short nap. It matters not that you are on the front lawn of the local police chief, or in the large tub of flowers outside of your bank. After all, you will only be laying down for a FEW minutes.
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An attractive young lady, chaperoned by an ugly old lady, entered the doctor's office. "We have come for an examination," said the young lady. "Alright," said the doctor. "Go behind that curtain and take your clothes off." "No, not me," said the women. "it's my old aunt here." "Very well," said the doctor. "Madam, stick out your tongue."
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Air Force One arrives at Heathrow and President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses.

They continue on towards Buckingham Palace waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets fly with the most horrendous earth-shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The fart shakes the coach. The smell is atrocious! Both passengers in the carriage must use perfume-dipped handkerchiefs over their nose, but the two dignitaries of state do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen turns to President Obama saying, "Mr. President, please accept my regrets. I am sure you understand there are some things that even a
Queen cannot control."

Obama, with his usual diplomatic aplomb, replied, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought. Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
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