Jokes

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Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Walmart.

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.


In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.


In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.



In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms .'


In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog **** off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.


In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog **** on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.



In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
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Sometimes it pays to be old

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their seventieth anniversary. The
couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared,
where Andy had carved "I love you, Sally."

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car,
practically landing at their feet.

Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure what to do with it, they took it
home.

There, she counted the money -- seventy-thousand dollars.

Andy said, "We've got to give it back."
Sally said, "Finders keepers." She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.


The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on the door.

"Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?"

Sally said, "No."
Andy said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic."
Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile."

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.
One says: "Tell us the story from the beginning"
Andy said, "Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday. "

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, "We're outta here."
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Don't know if this is just a coincidence , but....

2007 - Chinese year of the Chicken - Bird Flu Pandemic devastates parts of Asia
2008 - Chinese year of the Horse - Equine Influenza decimates Australian racing
2009 - Chinese year of the Pig - Swine Flu Pandemic kills hundreds of people around the globe.

Has any one else noticed this? ...

It gets worse next year... 2010 - Chinese year of the Cock - what could possibly go wrong?
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Things I Hate About Everyone



1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.. I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?


2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.


3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'. Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?


4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!


5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.


6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7 . When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.


8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?


9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

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Little Johnny came home from school with a BIG smile on his face. His Mother noticed this, and asked him, "Why the big grin, Johnny?"

"I showed Sally Brown my weenie today at the playground!" proudly replied Johnny.

Before his mother could say a word, Johnny went on to say, "She said it reminded her of a peanut."

Relaxing with a hidden smile, his Mom asked, "Really? She thought it was small, did she?"

"No..... salty."

Mom fainted.
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Quotes about dogs.....

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue." -Anonymous

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful." -Ann Landers

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went." -Will Rogers

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face." -Ben Williams

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself." -Josh Billings

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person." -Andy Rooney

"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made." -M. Facklam

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons." -James Thurber

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down." -Robert Benchley

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." -Rita Rudner

"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard." -Dave Barry

"And nobody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog."-Franklin P. Jones

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise." -Unknown

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read." -Groucho Marx

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!" -Anne Tyler

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea." -Robert A. Heinlein
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Obama Says Sotomayor’s “Castrate White Males” Comment Taken Out of Context

June 2, 2009

WASHINGTON - President Obama said that comments by Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor in a 2004 speech in which she called for the “castration of all white males until they no longer hold power,” have been “taken out of context” by right wing ideologues.

In the speech delivered to the San Juan chapter of NOW, Sotomayor said, “I want to be perfectly clear about this next comment so that there is no mistaking that my words mean something other than what they plainly say: the time has come to limit white male oppression by castrating every white male until they are no longer dominant in Western culture. That means forcible removal of their testicles. I realize the brutality of my comment, but I mean exactly what I say.”

White House spokesman Robert Gibbs agreed with President Obama that the statement has been taken out of context, and added that Sotomayor “certainly” did not mean that white males should be castrated. “Judge Sotomayor was simply saying that there should be room at the American table for diverse cultures.”

President Obama told MSNBC: ”Look, when she’s appearing before the Senate committee in her confirmation process, all this nonsense that is being spewed out will be revealed for what it is.”
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This just in...

After his election, the U.S. Postal Services created a stamp with a picture of President Obama.

But there was a problem. It seems that the stamp was not sticking to envelopes.

This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.

After a month of testing and $4.73 million in congressional hearings, a special Presidential Commission presented the following findings:

1. The stamp is in perfect order.

2. There is nothing wrong with the adhesive.

3. People are spitting on the wrong side.
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Q. How many muslims does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
A. What's toilet paper?

Q. How many Muslim extremists will it take to destroy America?
A. None, American Government can do it all by themselves, thank you.

Mohammed heard one of his wives was leaving him, so he rushed home where he found her on the carpet in front of the tent with her belongings; he sat beside her and said, “I heard you were planning to leave me?”

She replied, “Yes, I heard your other wives saying you were a pedophile!”

Mohammed thinks for a minute or so and then responds, “that's a mighty big word for a 6 year old."