Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Random Facts

On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag

All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20

Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village"

The average ear of corn has eight-hundred kernels arranged in sixteen rows

All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill

Almonds are members of the peach family

The symbol on the "pound" key (#) is called an octothorpe

The maximum weight for a golf ball is 1.62 oz

Charlie Brown's father was a barber

Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously

Of the six men who made up the Three Stooges, three of them were real brothers (Moe, Curly and Shemp.)

Ingrown toenails are hereditary

In Mel Brooks' 'Silent Movie,' mime Marcel Marceau is the only person who has a speaking role

Pulp Fiction cost $8 million to make - $5 million going to actors' salaries.

A full seven percent of the entire Irish barley crop goes to the production of Guinness beer.

Los Angeles' full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula" and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."

A cat has 32 muscles in each ear

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur

Deborah Winger did the voice of E.T.

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10

Alfred Hitchcock didn't have a belly button. It was eliminated when he was sewn up after surgery

Telly Savalas and Louis Armstrong died on their birthdays

Donald Duck's middle name is Fauntleroy

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer

The muzzle of a lion is like a fingerprint - no two lions have the same pattern of whiskers

Betsy Ross was born with a fully formed set of teeth

Bob Dylan's real name is Robert Zimmerman.

A pregnant goldfish is called a twit

When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football game at home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city

Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors

The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life"

A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours

A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds

A quarter has 119 grooves around the edge

A dime has 118 ridges around the edge

The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets

Bingo is the name of the dog on the Cracker Jack box

Charles de Gaulle's final words were, "It hurts."

The Beatles song "Dear Prudence" was written about Mia Farrow's sister,

Prudence, when she wouldn't come out and play with Mia and the Beatles at a religious retreat in India

Cranberries are sorted for ripeness by bouncing them; a fully ripened cranberry can be dribbled like a basketball.

The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world

Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? It's Paul Reiser himself

Kelsey Grammar sings and plays the piano for the theme song of Fraiser

The male gypsy moth can "smell" the virgin female gypsy moth from 1.8 miles away

In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak

The letters KGB stand for Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti.

Alexander the Great was an epileptic

The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N, and O-Z, hence "Oz."

The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.

Horses cannot vomit. Rabbits cannot vomit

A donkey will sink in quicksand but a mule won't

Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister

Hugh "Ward Cleaver" Beaumont was an ordained minister

John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles

The average person falls asleep in seven minutes

The average garden variety caterpillar has 248 muscles in its head

Certain frogs can be frozen solid then thawed, and continue living

Dartboards are made out of horsehairs

There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball

Napoleon constructed his battle plans in a sandbox

Virgina Woolf wrote all her books standing

To "testify" was based on men in the Roman court swearing to a statement made by swearing on their testicles

The only planet without a ring is earth

Wayne's World was filmed in two weeks

A group of unicorns is called a blessing

[cobra de capell]

A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.

The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"

The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"

The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"

The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. "You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.

To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
_____

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
_____

A guy applied to join a nudist club. "Exactly what do you do here?" he asked.

"It's quite simple," said the club secretary, "We take off all our clothes and commune with nature."

"Cool," said the guy, "...count me in!!!" So he paid his membership fee, took off his gear and strolled in.

As he walked along a path, he saw a big sign which read, "Beware of Gays."

A little further along he saw another sign which read the same thing "Beware of Gays."

He continued walking until he came to a small clearing which had a bronze plaque set in the ground. He bent over to read the plaque and it said, "Sorry, you've had two warnings!"
_____

A man takes the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit. 9 Iron." The man looks round and doesn't see anyone so he tries again. "Ribbit. 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts his other club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits a birdie. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog eh?" The frog replies "Ribbit. Lucky frog. Lucky frog."

The man decided to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?", the man asks. "Ribbit. 3 wood." was the reply. The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "Ok where to next?" The frog reply, "Ribbit. Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "Ok frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit. Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit. $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million to one shot that this would win but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit. Kiss me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him he deserves it. All of a sudden the frog turns into the most gorgeous 16 year old girl in the world.

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room".
_____

May be a repeat, but still funny...

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go for the farmer to help pull him out of the hole. The chicken runs to the farm, but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from certain death!

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer.

The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up."

The chicken did as he was told and pulled himself to safety.

The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
_____

Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing.

Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."
_____

A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball- don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix."

The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses! Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost."

They walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, "Come on in." They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer.

A man on the couch said, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that." the husband replied. "No, actually I want to thank you- I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself."

"OK, great!" the husband said. " I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem-it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife.

"I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done." the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said.

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife."

The husband looks at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care."

The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said,

"How old is your husband, anyway?" "35." she replied. "And he still believes in genies- that's amazing."