Jokes

[cobra de capell]

I was on a date with this really attractive girl. Well, it wasn't a date, date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie.

Then the plane landed.
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I started writing poetry the other day:

POETR

That's coming along nicely.
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What's hit more balls than David Beckhams right foot?


Elton Johns chin!
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Wives are funny creatures. They don't have sex with their husbands for weeks and then they want to kill the woman who does.
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Yesterday I shot a little girl, held her under water for 5 minutes then hung her.

I love the euphemisms of being a photographer.
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[cobra de capell]

I took a friend out to lunch today and pointed out that they had tongue on the menu. She said Eww please, I'm not going to eat something that came out of a cow's mouth. I'll just have an egg salad sandwich.
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Feeling down??

Fed up???

Need cheering up???

Well here's the answer....................


Watch your wedding video backwards, you'll love the bit where she takes the ring off, walks out of the church jumps in the car and f**ks off!!
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A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."
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What's the ideal weight for a mother-in-law?













About 2.3 pounds including the urn.
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Why is it better to fall into a vat of concentrated sulfuric acid than into a vat of molten optical glass?

It is commendable to be part of the solution, but there is no point in making a spectacle of yourself.
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The Women's Historical Society located Tom Dooley's gravesite and sought permission to have his body exhumed.

They wanted to know how he was hung.
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The NFL announced today that for financial reasons, they had to eliminate one team from the league. So they've decided to combine the Green Bay Packers and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and form one team, therefore saving money.

They will be known as the TAMPACKS.



Unfortunately, they're only good for one period and have no second string.

[cobra de capell]

"Dad's Baldness"

Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning
and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy,
why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he
asked his mother.

"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with
herself for coming up with a good answer to her
husband's baldness.

Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and
asked, "So why do you have so much hair?"
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It was the first day of class, and the first-grade teacher wanted to see what sort of pupils she had on her hands. So she gave a little quiz:

1. What do you want to be when you grow up?
2. What is 1+1?

She got back the following papers:

1. A schoolteacher.
2. 2.

1. A computer programmer.
2. 10 in binary; 2 in octal, decimal, or hex.

1. A physicist.
2. You haven't told me how accurately those 1's were measured.

1. A mathematician.
2. 2, unless you are working in a field of characteristic 0.

1. An accountant.
2. What answer do you want?
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"Dear Potential Investor"

I know you are always looking for sound opportunities
for investment.

I don't know if you would be interested in this,
but I thought I would mention it to you because
it could be a real "sleeper" in making a lot of
money with very little investment.

A group of us are considering investing in a large
cat ranch near Hermosille, Mexico. It is our
purpose to start rather small, with about one
million cats. Each cat averages about twelve
kittens each year; skins can be sold for about
20 cents for the white ones and up to 40 cents
for the black. This will give us 12 million cat
skins per year to sell at an average price of
around 32 cents, making our revenues about $3
million a year. This really averages out to $10
thousand a day - excluding Sundays and holidays.

A good Mexican cat man can skin about 50 cats
per day at a wage of $3.15 a day. It will only take
663 men to operate the ranch so the net profit
would be over $8,200 per day.

Now, the cats would be fed on rats exclusively.
Rats multiply four times as fast as cats. We
would start a rat ranch adjacent to our cat farm. If
we start with a million rats, we will have four rats
per cat each day. The rats will be fed on the
carcasses of the cats that we skin. This will give
each rat a quarter of a cat. You can see by this
that this business is a clean operation -- self-
supporting and really automatic throughout. The
cats will eat the rats and the rats will eat the cats
and we will get the skins.

Let me know if you are interested; as you can
imagine, I am rather particular who I want to get
into this, and want the fewest investors possible.

Eventually, it is my hope to cross the cats with
snakes, for they will skin themselves twice a
year! This would save the labor costs of skinning
as well as give me two skins for one cat.

May I hear from you at your earliest opportunity?

Sincerely,

The CatWoman
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The Theory of Banking or How Banks Make Money

Q: What are banks for?
A: To make money.

Q: For the customers?
A: For the banks.

Q: Why doesn't bank advertising mention this?
A: It would not be in good taste. But it is mentioned by implication in references to reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts. That is the money they have made.

Q: Out of the customers?
A: I suppose so.

Q: They also mention Assets of $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. Have they made that too?
A: Not exactly. That is the money they use to make money.

Q: I see. And they keep it in a safe somewhere?
A: Not at all. They lend it to customers.

Q: Then they haven't got it?
A: No.

Q: Then how is it Assets?
A: They maintain that it would be if they got it back.

Q: But they must have some money in a safe somewhere?
A: Yes, usually $500,000,000,000 or thereabouts. This is called Liabilities.

Q: But if they've got it, how can they be liable for it?
A: Because it isn't theirs.

Q: Then why do they have it?
A: It has been lent to them by customers.

Q: You mean customers lend banks money?
A: In effect. They put money into their accounts, so it is really lent to the banks.

Q: And what do the banks do with it?
A: Lend it to other customers.

Q: But you said that money they lent to other people was Assets?
A: Yes.

Q: Then Assets and Liabilities must be the same thing?
A: You can't really say that.

Q: But you've just said it! If I put $100 into my account the bank is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Liabilities. But they go and lend it to someone else and he is liable to have to pay it back, so it's Assets. It's the same $100 isn't it?
A: Yes, but....

Q: Then it cancels out. It means, doesn't it, that banks haven't really any money at all?
A: Theoretically....

Q: Never mind theoretically! And if they haven't any money, where do they get their Reserves of $249,000,000,000 or thereabouts??
A: I told you. That is the money they have made.

Q: How?
A: Well, when they lend your $100 to someone they charge him interest.

Q: How much?
A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say five and a-half percent. That's their profit.

Q: Why isn't it my profit? Isn't it my money?
A: It's the theory of banking practice that....

Q: When I lend them my $100 why don't I charge them interest?
A: You do.

Q: You don't say. How much?
A: It depends on the Bank Rate. Say a half percent.

Q: Grasping of me, rather?
A: But that's only if you're not going to draw the money out again.

Q: But of course I'm going to draw the money out again! If I hadn't wanted to draw it out again I could have buried it in the garden!
A: They wouldn't like you to draw it out again.

Q: Why not? If I keep it there you say it's a Liability. Wouldn't they be glad if I reduced their Liabilities by removing it?
A: No. Because if you remove it they can't lend it to anyone else.

Q: But if I wanted to remove it they'd have to let me?
A: Certainly.

Q: But suppose they've already lent it to another customer?
A: Then they'll let you have some other customer's money.

Q: But suppose he wants his too... and they've already let me have it?
A: You're being purposely obtuse.

Q: I think I'm being acute. What if everyone wanted their money all at once?
A: It's the theory of banking practice that they never would.

Q: So what banks bank on, is not having to meet their commitments?
A. YOU GOT IT!

[cobra de capell]

A retired man....

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed,
Ron


Update:

Ron died suddenly on the 4th of July of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.
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A farmer was selling his peaches door to door. He knocked on a door and a shapely 30 something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked,
'Would you like to buy some peaches?'
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, 'Are they as firm as this?'
He nodded his head and said, 'Yes ma'am,'' and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, 'are they nice and pink like this?'
The farmer said, Yes,' and another tear came from the other eye.
She unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, 'Are they as fuzzy as this?'
He again said, 'Yes,' and broke down crying.
She asked, 'Why on earth are you crying?'
Drying his eyes he replied, ''The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches.'
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There is an old saying, that you leave this world the same way you entered it. If this really is the case, imagine the shock Michael Jackson's ghost had, waking up to find out he was a black male again.
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Twelve Italian priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.


Each priest had a small bell attached to his pecker, and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.


The beautiful model danced before the first candidate with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlo.


Poor Carlo. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage .


Embarrassed, Carlo quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up...and all the other bells started to ring.
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[cobra de capell]

"Government Planning"

TO: Honorable Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.

Dear Sir;

My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa, received
a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising
hogs. So, I want to go into the "not raising hogs"
business next year.

What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the
best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the
best breed of hogs not to raise? I want to be sure that
I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental
policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that
is not a good breed not to raise, then I will just as gladly
not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.

As I see it, the hardest part of this program will be in
keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I
haven't raised.

My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the future of the
business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so,
and the best he ever made on them was $422 in 1998,
until this year when he got your check for $1000 for not
raising hogs.

If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get $2000 for
not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale
at first, holding myself down to about 4000 hogs not
raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year.
Then I can afford an airplane.

Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will not eat
100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay
farmers for not raising corn and wheat. Will I qualify for
payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the
4000 hogs I am not going to raise?

Also, I am considering the "not milking cows" business, so
send me any information you have on that too.

In view of these circumstances, you understand that I will
be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment
and food stamps.

Be assured you will have my vote in the coming election.

Patriotically Yours,
The Farmer

P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to distribute
more free cheese.
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[cobra de capell]

An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven, but was not at all happy with his accommodations. He complained to Saint Peter, who told him his only course of action was to appeal. The lawyer immediately appealed and was told it would take 3 years to hear his appeal. The attorney protested that this was unconscionable, but to no avail.

The lawyer was then approached by the devil who told him that he could have the appeal heard within a few days if the lawyer would change the venue to Hell. When the lawyer asked why appeals were heard so much sooner in Hell, he was told "We have all the judges."
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Father (after being denied access to his children and having all his assets seized): Can I address the court?

Judge: Of course.

Father: If I called you a son of a *****, what would you do?

Judge: I'd hold you in contempt and sentence you to five days in jail.

Father: What if I thought you were a son of a *****?

Judge: I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.

Father: In that case, I think you're a son of a *****.
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Q: What do you call a judge gone bad?

A: Senator.

Q: What do you call a lawyer gone bad?

A: Your honor.
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[cobra de capell]

Q. Why doesn't Obama pray? A. It's impossible to read the teleprompter with your eyes closed.

Q. Why won't Obama Messiah release his real birth certificate? A. It got mixed in with his Rezko mortgage records and shredded.

Q. Why won't Obama release his real birth certificate? A. He accidentally smoked it.

Q. Why won’t Obama laugh at himself? A. Because it would be racist.

Anagram: President Barack Hussein Obama = A Democrat speaks inane rubbish



Q. What do Obama and Osama have in common? A. They both have friends who bombed the Pentagon.

Q. Why doesn’t Barack drink Pepsi? A. He thinks that things go better with coke.

Q: What do you get when you cross a crooked politician with a crooked lawyer? A: Barack Obama.

Proof that Barack is the Obamessiah: Obama preached to the multitude by the side of the lake. Obama created new states from out of the void. Obama turned whine into Kool-Aid® for his followers. Obama came to us carried upon a donkey. Obama triumphed over the beast, the enemy of all men. Obama was stoned and yet he has risen. Obama's flock has millions of sheep. Obama will reign over us from a house with many rooms. You must have no other candidates before Obama. Obama will raise voters from the dead. Count on it

Q. Why did Jimmy Carter vote for Barack Obama? A. Because Jimmy didn't want to be the worst President in history.

Q. Why did Jay Leno vote for Barack Obama? A. Because he was running out of George Bush jokes.

Q. Why did David Letterman vote for Barack Obama? A. Because he was running out of Jay Leno's George Bush jokes.

Q. Why did Britney Spears vote for Barack Obama? A. Because she was running out of other crazy things to do.

Q. Why did Senator Ted Kennedy vote for Barack Obama? A. Brain tumor.

Obama is so pretty that Bill Clinton wants to intern for him

Obama is so pretty that he gives John Edwards makeup tips

Q. Why did the Secret Service install lighting rods at the White House? A. To protect President Obama as he took his Oath of Office.

Q. Why does Obama want a 40% tax on aspirin? A. Because it's white, and it works.

A recession is when your neighbor is out of work.

A depression is when you are out of work.

A recovery is when Obama is out of work.