Jokes

[Jamo]

CW...beat me to it by 5 seconds.

Ron...there is obviously no exception for political jokes. Period.
Time off like anyone else.

[HYM810ANCE]

Two southern ladies were sitting on the veranda one afternoon after the return of one of them from her trip to Las Vegas. The one asked "So, is Las Vegas much different from the south?" The other replied "Oh my! They have things out there I had never heard of before." "Like what", the friend questioned. "Well, she said...they have men who like other men and they call them homo-sexuals, they have women who like other women and they call them lesbians and they have men who you can hire to do favors for women". Being extremely intrigued the friend asked "and what do they call them?!" To which the lady replied "Oh honey, I don't know...but I called him precious!"

[dave from mesa]

Policies and Procedures, how are they established?

In this experiment, they put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling. Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable. Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up.

Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder. One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey. One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced, eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

AND THAT'S HOW POLICIES & PROCEDURES GET ESTABLISHED.
AND NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ANYTHING ABOUT THEM

[Ibr8k4vetts]

Originally Posted by dave from mesa

Policies and Procedures, how are they established?

In this experiment, they put eight monkeys in a room. In the middle of the room is a ladder, leading to a bunch of bananas hanging from a hook on the ceiling. Each time a monkey tries to climb the ladder, all the monkeys are sprayed with ice water, which makes them miserable. Soon enough, whenever a monkey attempts to climb the ladder, all of the other monkeys, not wanting to be sprayed, set upon him and beat him up.

Soon, none of the eight monkeys ever attempts to climb the ladder. One of the original monkeys is then removed, and a new monkey is put in the room. Seeing the bananas and the ladder, he wonders why none of the other monkeys are doing the obvious, but, undaunted, he immediately begins to climb the ladder. All the other monkeys fall upon him and beat him silly. He has no idea why. However, he no longer attempts to climb the ladder.

A second original monkey is removed and replaced. The newcomer again attempts to climb the ladder, but all the other monkeys hammer the crap out of him. This includes the previous new monkey, who, grateful that he's not on the receiving end this time, participates in the beating because all the other monkeys are doing it. However, he has no idea why he's attacking the new monkey. One by one, all the original monkeys are replaced, eight new monkeys are now in the room. None of them have ever been sprayed by ice water. None of them attempt to climb the ladder. All of them will enthusiastically beat up any new monkey who tries, without having any idea why.

AND THAT'S HOW POLICIES & PROCEDURES GET ESTABLISHED.
AND NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ANYTHING ABOUT THEM

I thought this was going to be a joke!

[392cobra]

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all on his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears?!?!?''

Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 23 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered ...

'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming....... that was me.......'

[392cobra]

Copper wire:

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.


Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, A Story in the LA Times read: " California archaeologists, finding of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers"


One week later. A local newspaper in Texas reported the following: "After digging 30 feet down in his pasture, near Maypearl, Texas, Bubba, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Bubba has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Texas had already gone wireless".


Just makes a person proud to live in Texas , don't it?

[392cobra]

Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?
This is for all the germ- conscious folks
that worry about using cold water to clean.


John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather
in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast.
However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking,
'Are these plates clean?'
His grandfather replied,
'They're as clean as cold water can get em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!'
For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates,
as his appeared to have tiny specks around
the edge that looked like dried egg and asked,
'Are you sure these plates are clean?'
Without looking up the old man said,
'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as
clean as cold water can get them. Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear another word about it!'
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled and said,
'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'.


Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted!
'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!'

[392cobra]

Al Qaeda on Strike

Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-
day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs ( or B.O.O.M. ) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately alloted for strike action.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden
explained, "We sympathize with our workers concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."
Spokespersons for the union in the North East of England,Ireland,Wales and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their areas anyway."
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of that Scottish singing star, Susan Boyle - now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are not so keen on going to paradise.

[Ron61]

Universal Truths Edit: This is longer than I realized when I cut it, so it it is over the limit please delete it. I received it from Mike.

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was
younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty
sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for
the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I
don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten-page research paper that I swear
I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

15. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello?
Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times
and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the
phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

18. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

19. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or
Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay. (Or
wine...or Margaritas!!)

20. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

21. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

22. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand
than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

23. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.

24. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

25. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

26. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up
to prevent an ass from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

27. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get
dirty, and you can wear them forever.

28. Is it just me or do high school kids get dumber & dumber every year?

29. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

30. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

31. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.

32. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I'd bet my behind everyone can find and push the snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time,
every time!

[Ron61]

You have to be a New Englander to really appreciate this



A young blonde woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Bourne Bridge . She was about to
leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying. He took pity on her and
said "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship and you
can start a new life in Europe ... I'll take good care of you and
bring you food everyday".

"How can I repay you for such kindness" she asked.

"Just let me make love to you each night..." The blonde agreed.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a
piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain. "What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors, who stowed me away" she explained. "I get food and free passage to Europe and he's
screwing me".

"He certainly is", the captain said. "This is the Marthas Vineyard Ferry."

[Ron61]

IDIOT SIGHTING


IDIOT SIGHTING

When my husband and I arrived at an automobile dealership to pick up
our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the
service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the
driver side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively
tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I
announced to the technician, 'it's open!' His reply: 'I know. I already
got that side.'


This was at the Ford dealership in Canton, MS


IDIOT SIGHTING :
We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not
have a 'large' enough motor on the opener..

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made
at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.' I
responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4. He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is
larger than two.'
We haven't used Sears repair since.

IDIOT SIGHTING:

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I
gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed
her a quarter.

She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this
way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get
the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed
me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind
of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in
change.

Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.


IDIOT SIGHTING :

I live in a semi rural area.. We recently had a new neighbor call the
local township administrative office to request the removal of the DEER
CROSSING sign on our road... The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by
cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be
crossing anymore.'

>From Kingman , KS

IDIOT SIGHTING IN FOOD SERVICE :
My daughter went to a local Taco Bell
and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind
the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'
He said he was sorry,
but they only had iceburg lettuce.
-- From Kansas City

[Bobcat]

When I was 13 , I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big boobs . When I was 16 , I got a girlfriend with big boobs , but there was no passion , so I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life .

In college I dated a passionate girl , but she was too emotional . Everything was an emergency ; she was a drama queen , cried all the time and threatened suicide . So I decided I needed a girl with stability .

When I was 25 , I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything . Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement .

When I was 28 , I found an exciting girl , but couldn`t keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another , never settling on anything. She did mad , impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy . She was great fun initially and very energetic , but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition .

When I turned 30 , I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet firmly planted on the ground , so I married her . She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned .

I am older and wiser now , and I`m looking for a girl with big boobs .

[Buzz]

Damm! He probably felt like jumping off the bridge himself after that.

[Ron61]

Steve,

Now that was a good one. But don't take it to hard. Some of them can fool, anyone.

Ron

[VRM]

Originally Posted by Ron61

Steve,

Now that was a good one. But don't take it to hard. Some of them can fool, anyone.

Ron

Yeah, I changed the story from a computer engineer to truck driver to protect the not so innocent.

[Ron61]

!! ... Let's Offend Everybody!


Q. What's the Cuban National Anthem?

A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.

Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation?

A. A different bar.

Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?

A. Sum Ting Wong .

Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?

A. A speech impediment.


Q. Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans & Blacks on Star Trek ?

A. Because they're not going to work in the future either.


Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on

Mondays , Wednesdays and Fridays?

A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.


Q. What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.

Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the 'F' word?

A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, 'BINGO!'

Q. What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale???

A. A northern fairytale begins, ...'Once upon a time...'

A southern fairytale begins, ... 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****.'

Q.. Why doesn't Mexico have an Olympic team?

A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States

[Dan40]

You missed a group.

If a transvestite came up missing, would you put it's picture on a carton of half n' half?

[392cobra]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.



They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.

[Sharroll Celby]

A man walks into a bar in the Old West, and sees the bar owner's horse sticking its' head in the window. The man bets the bartender $500 that he can make the horse laugh. Bartender says "OK". Man walks over to the horse, whispers in its' ear, and the horse ROARS with laughter. Man collects his $500 and walks out.
A week later, the same man walks into the same bar, and sees the horse sticking its head in the window. Man bets the bartender $1000 that he can make the horse cry, without touching the horse. Bartender accepts the bet, and the man walks over to the horse, takes its reins, and walks the horse around the back of the building. The man and the horse come back not 20 seconds later, and the horse is BAWLING its' eyes out. The man collects his $1000 and heads for the door.
Bartender stops the man and asks how he was able to take $1500 of the bartenders' money. Man says he got the horse to laugh by whispering in its ear that he was hung better than the horse. Bartender asks how he got the horse to cry. Man says that when he walked the horse around the back..............he showed him!

[Ron61]

I received this from Mike.

A Massachusetts State Police Officer sees a car puttering along the
highway at 38 MPH so he turns on his lights and pulls them over. There are
five old ladies ~ two in the front seat and three in the back ~ eyes wide
and white as ghosts silently staring straight ahead.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand,
I was doing exactly the speed limit: 38 MPH! What seems to be the
problem?"

The Trooper, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that "38" is
the route number, not the speed limit.

The 80-year-old woman sheepishly grinned and thanked him for pointing
out her error.

"Before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask: Is everyone in this car okay?
The other ladies seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep
this whole time."

"Oh, they'll be okay in a minute," says the driver. "We just got off of
Route 128."