07-18-2009, 09:40 AM
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Banned
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Middle Of Nowhere,
USA
Cobra Make, Engine: ERA 428 FE 4-speed CR "TL" heavy spline
Posts: 3,907
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Neutral
An elderly couple is sitting on the front porch one afternoon.
The man says, "$uck you."
A few moments later, the old woman says, "$uck you."
The old man pauses and says, "You know, I just don't get this oral sex thing."
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The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
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A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can’t take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.
Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."
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Jack owned an adult toy store and he had just opened store last Friday morning.
A woman comes in and is shopping around. She sees a pink dildo on a shelf and ask the price.
"$12.95," he said.
She bought it and left the store.
Then another woman comes in and she looks around and spots a pretty blue one on the back wall.
"How much for the pretty blue one back there?" she asked.
He said, "$25.00."
"Oh isn't that kind of expensive?" she asked.
"Well, it has a vibrator in it."
She thought about it for a minute and said, "OK, I'll take it." She paid for it and left the store, too.
He looked at the clock and it had been open only 30 minutes when another woman walked in the door.
She looked around quickly and said, "I want that one that is green with the silver top on it. The one that's back there on that table."
He said, "Lady, I can't sell you that!"
She said, "Why not I will give you $150.00 for it."
He sold it to her and she left the store. Minutes later he closed the shop and went home.
His wife said, "You're home very early. What happened?"
He said, "I sold my thermos for $150.00!"
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