Jokes

[cobra de capell]

WARNING - Male Bashing.....

1. Men are like
Laxatives
They irritate the crap out of you.



2. Men are like
Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.

3. Men are like
Weather
Nothing can be done to change
them.



4. Men are like
Blenders
You need One, but you're not quite sure
why.



5. Men are like
Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right
for your hips.

6. Men are like
Commercials
You can't believe a word they
say.


7. Men are like
Department Stores
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

8. Men are like
Government Bonds
They take soooooooo long to
mature.


9. Men are like
Mascara
They usually run at the first sign of
emotion.



10. Men are like
Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.



11. Men are like
Snowstorms
You never know when they're coming, how many
inches you'll get or how long it will last.



12. Men are like
Lava Lamps
Fun to look at, but not very bright.


13. Men are like
Parking Spots
All the good ones are taken, the rest are
handicapped.
_____

Three little ducks go into a bar...............................




"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out
of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"



"No," she said, batting her eyelashes.
"My name is Puddles."
_____
What do a Condom and Camera have in common?

They both capture the moment.
_____
A Love Story


A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend.

After having great sex, she spent the next hour just
rubbing histesticles -- something she loved to do.

As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why
do you love doing that?"

Because, she replied, "I miss mine."
_____

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter. Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him:

"Irving, you know that fur coat you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, remember that new car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

"Irving, that emerald necklace you promised me? I bought it too, with the insurance money."

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said: "Irving, remember that blow job I promised you? Here it comes!"
_____

Cinderella's getting ready for the ball and her Fairie Godmother tells her she needs one more thing: a diaphragm.
She lifts her skirts, lays back on the bed and F/G slides it into position.
"Now if you don't come back by midnight, it will turn into a pumpkin!" F/G shakes her wand at the young girl.
"I'll be home in time! Bye-bye!" And Cinderella runs off.

11:30 pm - No sign of her.
12:00 mn - No sign of her. F/G is nervous.
1:00 am - No sign of her. F/G starts to pace the floor.
2:00 am - No sign of her. F/G is running out of fingernails to chew on.

Finally at 3:30 in the morning, Cinderella stumbles in with her dress ripped and a thoroughly satisfied expression on her face. She collapses on her bed and F/G starts blotting her sweaty face with a towel.

"Are you O.K., dearie? I got worried when you didn't make it home." Cinderella giggled and hugged the older woman.
"I'm fine, Fairie Godmother. And I met the greatest man in the whole world! I want to marry him!"
"You met Prince Charming?" G/F sat down on the edge of the bed and slid Cinderella's shoes off. Cinderella shook her head.

"No, Fairie Godmother. His name was Peter. Peter-Peter... something or other! He's perfect!"