Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Never piss off a woman who owns a backhoe ...






Psychopath Test

Read this question, come up with an answer and then scroll down to the
bottom for the result. This is not a trick question. It is as it reads.

A woman, while at the funeral of her own mother, met a guy whom she did not know. She thought this guy was amazing. She believed him to be her dream guy so much that she fell in love with him right there, but never asked for his number and could not find him. A few days later she killed her sister.

Question: What is her motive for killing her sister?

[Give this some thought before you answer]














Answer:

She was hoping the guy would appear again at her sister's funeral. If you
answered this correctly, you think like a psychopath. This was a test by
a famous American Psychologist used to test if one has the same
mentality as a killer. Many arrested serial killers took part in the test and
answered the question correctly.


If you didn't answer the question correctly, good for you.


If you got the answer correct, please let me know so I can take you off
my email list.

[cobra de capell]

I JUST HEARD THAT OBAMA IS GOING TO IMPOSE A 40% TAX ON ASPIRIN BECAUSE IT'S WHITE AND IT WORKS!

Beer is better than Obama, because........

..soldiers like beer.

..... sailors like beer.

..... marines like beer.

..... beer doesn't come from Madrassas.

..... you know what's in beer.

..... beer won't take half your paycheck.

..... beer makes life a little better.

..... you're sad if there's no more beer.

..... beer doesn't lie.

..... beer doesn't have entitlement demands.

..... beer and whine don't mix.

..... beer has a pretty good head on it.

..... beer and bowling go together.

..... beer and arugula don't.

..... beer doesn't leave a bad taste in your mouth.

..... beer doesn’t mind if you cling to your beer.

..... beer doesn’t trash talk you behind your back.

..... cold beer disproves the myth of man made global warming.

..... imported beer doesn’t pretend to be domestic.

..... beer likes it when I set my thermostat COLD.

..... beer is GREEN only on St. Patrick’s Day.

..... beer didn’t smoke pot and snort coke.

..... beer is better than Vichy Water.

..... beer is unpretentious.

..... people in small towns cling to God, guns and beer.

..... beer doesn't promise you a free lunch.

..... there ain't no Pabst Bilal* Ribbon. Not yet anyway. *"Bilal - Satisfies thirst; name of the Prophets Muezzin (one who calls for prayer)"

..... beer won’t throw you under the bus.

..... beer doesn't cut and run.

..... beer isn't phony.

..... beer doesn't flip-flop.

..... beer’s ingredients known for sure.

..... beer makes people happy.

..... beer is as American as apple pie.

..... beer isn't promoted on National Public Radio.

..... beer doesn't mind if you own an SUV.

..... beer doesn't care how much you make.

..... a beer won't blame America for 9/11.

..... beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.

..... beer isn't a lawyer.

..... beer comes with an expiration date.

..... beer and NASCAR go together.

..... you're not afraid to turn your back on a beer.

..... beers don't have friends who bombed the pentagon.

..... an empty beer is better than an empty suit.

..... beer minds its own business.

..... beer doesn't tell you what you want to hear.

..... beer is worth what you pay for it.

..... beer doesn't lecture you about "global warming."

..... beer doesn't care what color you are.

..... beer doesn't want to take away your gun.

..... beer is popular with working people.

..... beer isn't crazy.

..... beers don't start out as empties.

..... beers don't rig elections.

..... beers don't raise taxes.

..... beer and coke don't mix.

..... beer wants to make you sociable; Obama wants to make you socialist.

..... no matter how often you pee, you can't rid yourself of Obama.

..... a beer hangover means you had a good time; an Obama hangover means the good times are gone.

..... beer will make the ball game more fun; Obama will tax your balls off.

..... too much beer means some of us will occasionally have to say "I'm sorry." Too much Obama means we're all gonna be very, very sorry for a long, long time.
_________

[cobra de capell]

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”



You know you’re from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can’t remember . . . is pot illegal?

6. You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can’t remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy sitting in Starbucks at 8:30 a.m. wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can’t remember . . . is pot illegal?

14. It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station: ‘STORM WATCH.’

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cellphones or iPods.

16. It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver’s license. If you’re here illegally, they want to give you one

[cobra de capell]

The first ship from Earth landed, and the inhabitants of the distant planet, after initial courtesies, gave their guests a tour. The Earthlings were particularly amazed at being shown a factory where babies were assembled. And how else, asked their host, would you do it? The answer led to some incredulity, and so, with some trepidation, a pair of Earthlings volunteered to give a demonstration. After it was over, one of the natives said "Remarkable. But where's the baby?" "You have to be patient. It takes 9 months." "But then why were you in such a hurry toward the end?"

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

[cobra de capell]

This poster is showing up all over LA, CA.





On the economy

"I've lost half my net worth and still have my wife."
_____

Funny Bumper Sticker

"Don't tell Obama what comes after a trillion"
_____

It was March 6, 1836.

On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up and rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo.

He then walked up to the observation post along the west wall of this fort.

William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall.

These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving steadily toward them.

With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said.........

'Jim, are we having some landscaping done today?'
_____