Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes....#1,#2,#3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
_____

Richard The Dragon Slayer

-------------------------

Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Richard the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.

One day Richard revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Richard the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Richard the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Richard the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Richard the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Richard the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Richard worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Richard the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Richard the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Richard the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Richard the Dragon Slayer...
_____

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what the heck was that?'
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.'
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said..

'Sure had a big dick, didn't it?'

[cobra de capell]

In South Sydney, a fire destroyed a four story block of flats.

A Polynesian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and
all six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven Pakistani welfare cheats, all illegally in
the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in
the fire.

Six Maori, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

Four Aboriginal families in the 2 flats on the 4th floor also perished.

One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

Relatives of the deceased and local do-gooders were furious. They flew
into Sydney and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief. On
camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Islanders, Muslims, Maoris
and Aboriginals all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

The fire chief quietly replied,




"Simple - they were both at work."

[cobra de capell]

OK, I fixed it.....

http://kezfool.bravehost.com/fixed.htm

Why cell phones have cameras....

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jobimfa...7621974002394/

[cobra de capell]

WHY I LIKE RETIREMENT



And They Ask Why I Like Retirement !!!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.



Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
_____

(Washington, D.C. - 8/8/09) "It's amazing to me the millions of American who firmly believe the citizens of the United States are still represented by Congress. In case they haven't noticed, there is a reason Democratic Party Czars are being appointed by the President to oversee many programs that used to fall under Congress control", a top Democrat said today.

"The czars have no one to report to besides the President, they don't have to face constituents, they have complete control of the areas they are specializing in and have the ability to do what they want regardless the demands of Americans whose biggest decision should be Fixodent or Polygrip."

"We know this is an exercise in futility for them, that regardless what they want or how much they protest at these town hall meetings, we're going to give them an insurance program that will cost a lot of money we don't have, but at this point it's irrelevant. Giving them opportunity to vent gives Washington a reference point for sentiment but that's the point. Let them think they're going to made a difference when in fact nothing could be further from the truth. We realize we're going to be dead and gone when the bill comes due so it's our "feel good" moment in history."

"Besides, when the elections come around, we know for a fact millions will automatically vote for whoever has a D after their name regardless of their stand on this minor insurance flap."

"In a nutshell, we're keeping everyones attention focused on the left hand and no one is noticing what the right hand is doing. It's a perfect storm of opportunity."

Developing..
_____

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.'

Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.

Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!'

Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?'

Edna: 'No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.'
_____

Solve this puzzle...http://averagjoe.com/DCXC.html

[cobra de capell]

Ten Thoughts to Ponder

Number 10


Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.

If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day, teach a person to use the Internet and
they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ...
Not really good for anything, but youstill can't help but smile when
you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday,
lying in hospitals, dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather.
It pays no attention to Criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00,
and a substantial tax cut saves you $30.00?

Number 2
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is Weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


And The Number 1 Thought....

"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers;

What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"

_____

[cobra de capell]