"Hedgehogs - why can't they just share the hedge?"
"I had my boobs measured and bought a new bra. Now I call them Joe Cocker and Jennifer Warnes because they're up where they belong."
"I'm sure wherever my dad is; he's looking down on us. He's not dead, just very condescending."
"Going to Starbucks for coffee is like going to prison for sex. You know you're going to get it, but it's going to be rough."
"To the people who've got iPhones: you just bought one, you didn't invent it!"
"A spa hotel? It's like a normal hotel, only in reception there's a picture of a pebble."
"I've been reading the news about there being a civil war in Madagascar. Well, I've seen it six times and there isn't."
"I started so many fights at my school - I had that attention-deficit disorder. So I didn't finish a lot of them."
_____
The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross".
Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance".
The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
_____
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide".
The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender".
The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
_____
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing".
Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides".
_____
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs."
They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".
_____
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..
_____
New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!".
Due to continuing defense cutbacks, the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath, New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us"..
In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in/at a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".
_____
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate".
Three more escalation levels remain:
"Crikey!",
"I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and...
"The barbie is cancelled".
_____
What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But ,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far arse kissing will take you..
A-R-S-E-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+18+19+5+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 122%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty, that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, its the Bull**** and Arse kissing that will put you over the top.
I just worked out i'm operating at 129% of my efficiency. See for yourself:
l-a-z-y-b-a-s-t-a-r-d
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