Jokes

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25 Awesome Homeless Guy Signs

http://southflorida.sun-sentinel.com...1.photogallery

Guess who?



David McClure from the Dallas News Community Opinion page.

$5.37. That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bueno said to me. I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Emo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me. He said, "It's OK ! I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."

I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68" he said cheerfully. I stood there stupefied. I am 48, not even 50 yet, a mere child! Senior citizen?

I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Emo! Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile. Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler? "Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" I stared with utter disdain at the keys. I began to rationalize in my mind. "Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing. That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror ! Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.

Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found !

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Emo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"but all I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here?" At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits. Emo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake !" I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized. She offered these kind words: "It's OK ! My grandfather does stuff like this all the time!"

All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing some punk kid in a Toyota Prius.... And no, I told the officer, I'm not too old to be driving this fast !

As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blanky.

The good news was I had successfully found my way home!
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Teddy Kennedy has been sober for 6 days as of today.

Presuming, of course, that embalming fluid is not alcohol-based.
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One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnny’s face grew serious and he said, "You know, I’m not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"
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A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery, and the day after the procedure a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. His friend was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention?" the friend asked, "You look fine to me."

"I know!" grinned the patient. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."
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I was on my way to deposit some of my money at Lowe's Home Improvement this morning to do my part to stimulate the economy, and I found myself behind this little car bearing a bumper sticker that read: "We did it! - Obama/ Biden'

Well, as luck would have it, she pulled along side of me at a red light
about a half mile down the road. I beeped my horn and gave her a big thumbs up. She rolled down her window and I said, "I love your bumper sticker!"

She thanked me and I quickly added, "It's good that you are taking
responsibility for your mistake!"

She gave me the finger and drove off -- Humorless Bi$ch.

[cobra de capell]

Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those

Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."

"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"

His wife replies, Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me To

Stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat

"I do not Have a Headache;

I do not have a headache,

I do not have a headache.."

It Worked! The headaches are all gone."

The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."

His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball

Of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the

Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"


The husband agrees to try it


Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his

Clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.

He Puts her on The bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into The Bathroom and comes back. A few minutes later and jumps into bed And makes Passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"

The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes

Back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than The First time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With

That, He goes back in the bathroom.

This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the Bathroom,

She sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

"She's not my Wife.

She's Not my wife.

She's not my wife..."





His funeral service will be held on Friday
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10 Peeves that Dogs have re: humans

1. Blaming your farts on me ---not funny...not funny at all

2. Yelling at me for barking. I'M A FRIGGIN DOG!

3. Taking me for a walk, then not letting me check stuff out. Exactly whose walk is this anyway?

4. Any trick that involves balancing food onmy nose. STOP IT!

5. Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons. Now you know why we chew your stuff up when you're not home.

6. The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.You fooled a dog!!! Whooo Hoooo what a proud moment for the top of the food chain.

7. Taking me to the vet for "the big snip", then acting surprised when I freak out every time we go back!

8. Getting upset wehn I sniff the crotches of your guests. Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.

9. Dog sweaters. Hello ??? Hven't you noticed the fur?

Now lay off me on some of those things. We both know who's boss here!! You don't see me picking up your poop do you?
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Drafting Guys over 60----this is funny & obviously written by a Former Soldier-

New Direction for any war: Send Service Vets over 60!

I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 42 to join the military. They've got the whole thing @$$-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn't be able to join a military unit until you're at least 35.

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. 'My back hurts! I can't sleep, I'm tired and hungry' We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some @-hole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

An 18-year-old doesn't even like to get up before 10 a..m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, 'I'm tired and can't sleep and since I'm already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-b!*ch.

If captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we're used to soft food. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.

Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn't figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.

These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm's way..

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them..

***How about recruiting Women over 50 ...in menopause!!! You think Men have attitudes !!! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh my!!!

If nothing else, put them on border patrol.... They will have it secured the first night!

[cobra de capell]

In a recent survey carried out for a leading toiletries firm , politicians from New Jersey have proven to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower!

In the survey, 86% of New Jersey politicians said that they have enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 14% said they have not been to prison yet.
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Julius Caesar goes into a bar.

"I'll have a Martinus" says the Emperor.

"Don't you mean a Martini?" asks the barman.

"If I'd wanted a double, I'd have asked for one" says Caesar.
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How to say 'I love you' in 25 languages

English I Love You

Spanish Te Amo

French Je T'aime

German lch Liebe Dich

Japanese Ai ****e Imasu

Thai Phom rak khun

Italian Ti amo

Chinese Wo Ai Ni

Swedish Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas , Kansas , Oklahoma , Texas , North Carolina , South Carolina . Georgia, Tennessee, Missouri, Mississippi, Louisiana, Virginia, West Virginia, Kentucky.....
Nice Ass , Get in the truck