Band-Aids can't heal stupidity

[wtm442]

By Julia Spitz/Daily News staff
GHS
Thu Oct 18, 2007, 12:02 AM EDT

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The last vestige of Darwinism has been removed from the shelf.

You won't find a shred of survival of the fittest theory in grocery store aisles. It's been yanked from drugstore and take-out shelves as well.

Don't believe me? Read the label. It's all there in not-so-small print.

Scrubbing Bubbles Automatic Shower Cleaner carries the warning, "Not a body wash." Mistolin all-purpose cleaner? "Do not swallow."

In case the steam rising from the styrofoam cup fooled you, coffee "may be hot." Ditto to pizza delivered with mozzarella all a-bubble, and most anything microwaved for 10 minutes.

Planters peanuts now warn they're a choking hazard. "Do not give to children under 6." The company's "Heart Healthy" mixed nuts label lists its contents (peanuts, almonds, pistachios, pecans, walnuts and hazelnuts), the choking warning, plus the note it was "manufactured on equipment that processes other tree nuts."

And in case you thought you were getting a free lunch with the shoes at Payless, the moisture-absorption packets are clearly marked "Do not eat."

Woolite urges customers to use the detergent but "avoid contact with the eyes." Hemorrhoid cream comes with the proviso it is "not for ophthalmic use."

Clorox also worries you might have been raised in the wild and need to be told, "Caution: Eye irritant." Apparently we never knew how many people have had absolutely no prior contact with bleach but do have good attorneys on speed-dial.

Iams dog food puts this pearl of wisdom on its package of high-priced "active maturity" chow: "Remember to have clean fresh water available for your dog."

"Active maturity" is Newspeak for senior citizen, and apparently Iams believes dogs get as huffy as humans if you point out they're of a certain age. OK, fine. But is a dog really likely to reach the "active maturity" stage if no one in its life realized dogs need water? Again, I guess this can happen, otherwise why put the reminder on back of the bag?

But I have a hard time believing people who can't make sense out of which one's Clorox, or Woolite, or hemorrhoid cream, and which one's Visine really benefit from a notice not to put the first three in their eyes.

Would someone with a nut allergy not be remotely aware a can of nuts comes from a factory that produces nuts? And do I risk a retroactive report to the Department of Social Services for letting my kids have peanuts and M&Ms before they could vote?

Maybe I'd be safe if letting my children eat such food was my most shocking lapse of judgment. After all, I never served them anything I found in the corner of a shoebox. And though my offspring were born before Johnson & Johnson felt the need to warn its baby powder is "for external use only," I was never tempted to treat their diaper rash internally.

But I've blatantly ignored Dial liquid hand soap's warning for years, and I'm so brazen I'm not going to stop, even though I've read the words on the bottle: "Keep out of reach of children."

Go ahead. Call DSS. I'll still insist every kid under my roof use the soap at least three times a day.

If they're tempted to lick soap off their hands, well, it's not a temptation they'll indulge twice.

At least that was the theory, back when common sense was a trait we valued.

Before Band-Aids came with the warning, "For medical emergencies, seek professional help."

Before Tylenol sleeping pills cautioned, "Drowsiness will occur."

Before Darwinism was lost in a class-action suit.

(Julia Spitz can be reached at 508-626-3968 or jspitz@cnc.com. Check metrowestdailynews.com for the Spitz Bits blog.)