Thank You

[wtm442]

I just want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year.
Thanks to you, I no longer open a public bathroom door without using
a paper towel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels.

I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I can't enjoy lemon slices in my tea or on my seafood anymore because lemon peels have been found to contain all kinds of nasty germs including feces.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pass-time while driving alone is picking your nose.

Eating a Little Debbie sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom. Yuck!

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St.Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face...disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda& Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can no longer drive my car because I can't buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day...

Oh, by the way.....

A German scientist from Argentina , after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late...
Got me TOO. . . ..

[Ron61]

Warren,

You sound like Monk on the TV series. And I didn't have my hand on the mouse and don't when I read my e-mail. In fact I leave my mouse as far from me as I can and still reach it.

Ron

[FWB]

i will now only buy rifles that when the barrel is placed in my mouth i can still reach the trigger, (i dont trust my toes)

[Ron61]

FWB,

Interesting that you made that post. I was just reading this mornings paper and they are claiming that Shasta County has the most suicides in the state because more people own guns here. They want people to turn their guns in to the police department to be destroyed so they can have a lower suicide rate. Strange that some time ago they had a murder here and the gun that was used came from the police evidence locker.

Edited to corrrect spelling.

Ron

[FWB]

i used to live in fresno and still have family there. i would surely
have blown my head off by now if i still lived there. couldnt get a good cheese steak (by east coast standards) to save my life.
and nobody knew what tastycakes were. my neighbors thought
i was a freak because i owned a lawn mower and cut my own grass
go figure. i am now happy the sky waters my lawn, and i shoot my rifle from my back porch, the only response from my neighbor is "Did ya get em'...."

[Ron61]

I lived down in the Fresno area long ago and worked in the fruit orchards during semester break. Most miserable job that I ever had. I still can't stand to eat a peach to this day.

Ron

[Jamo]

Originally Posted by FWB

i used to live in fresno and still have family there. i would surely
have blown my head off by now if i still lived there. couldnt get a good cheese steak (by east coast standards) to save my life.
and nobody knew what tastycakes were. my neighbors thought
i was a freak because i owned a lawn mower and cut my own grass
go figure. i am now happy the sky waters my lawn, and i shoot my rifle from my back porch, the only response from my neighbor is "Did ya get em'...."

Don't know why you interjected Fresno into the discussion but you would do well to watch your comments for someone recently joining the site.

I may have to put you in protective isolation.

All in jest...maybe.

[J. T. Toad]

Originally Posted by FWB

i used to live in fresno and still have family there. i would surely
have blown my head off by now if i still lived there. couldnt get a good cheese steak (by east coast standards) to save my life.
and nobody knew what tastycakes were. my neighbors thought
i was a freak because i owned a lawn mower and cut my own grass
go figure. i am now happy the sky waters my lawn, and i shoot my rifle from my back porch, the only response from my neighbor is "Did ya get em'...."

When someone mentions cheese steak, I think of a mullet.
I had to look this one up, "tastycakes" or "tastykakes" from a google search, still reminds me of a mullet.
Do you have a mullet?
The last statement makes me think your neighbor might be a character from a Jeff Foxworthy routine.

Regardless, this wasn't meant to defend Fresno, I thank you for leaving; convince your family also.

[J. T. Toad]

Oh, I nearly forgot, with my hand on the mouse;

Warren,

You're welcome.

[Ron61]

Bill,

Well said. Fresno really isn't the pit of Calif. To me the worst place I have ever seen is the Oakland/Berkley area. Fresno was a paradise compared to them.

Ron

[Silverback51]

I've been drunk in Fresno. Got laid too.

[Jamo]

quantos queros dinero?

[wtm442]

Press 1 for Spanish
Press 2 to BITE ME
Press 3 if you do not care anything about Fresno
pRESS 4 IF YOUR cAP lOCKS kEY IS oN
Press 5 if you just hate people hijacking your high-brow threads

[fsstnotch]

California is the pit of California!

So.... if I go into a public restroom and do everything right, wash the hands, use the towel to open the door and the foot to close the door... what happens later when i remove my shoes?

I always carry purell with me!!!! haha

[richardferguson]

Originally Posted by wtm442

Press 1 for Spanish
Press 2 to BITE ME
Press 3 if you do not care anything about Fresno
pRESS 4 IF YOUR cAP lOCKS kEY IS oN
Press 5 if you just hate people hijacking your high-brow threads

1
2
3
4
5
Nothing happened.
By the way Warren, that avatar is seriously gross. Howabout some of the old stuff:
Richard

[Excaliber]

...wonder how the housing prices look in the Fresno area...

Hey Jamo, they got cable there yet or they still working on that?

[wtm442]

Originally Posted by richardferguson

By the way Warren, that avatar is seriously gross. Howabout some of the old stuff:
Richard

How about this one - kinda tame.

[Jamo]

Si, we have cable.

Can you pick grapes?

[richardferguson]

Originally Posted by wtm442

How about this one - kinda tame.

Guess so, considering some of the previous offerings.
Nevertheless, it's not going to make me barf
Richard.

[Ron61]

Warren,

Now that Avatar is a huge improvement over the last one. It was more than gross.

Ron