Colonoscopy Journal

[392cobra]

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald. This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions,and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being
kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.'

At the clinic I had to sign many forms aknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

[PatBuckley]

I just had one done about three weeks ago - he is right, the actual procedure is a breeze.

The prep was interesting - if you enjoy crapping as much as I do, this is down your alley.

One tip - make sure you schedule your procedure for early morning. Mine was scheduled for 1PM and I was not able to eat or drink anything starting the night before and I woke up hungry and had a headache - nothing I could take for it. That entire morning sucked.

They tell you that you will be passing a lot of gas afterward so I took that as license to cut loose - I think they were sorry they said anything.

[Ronbo]

Some years back I had some x-rays done and had to take something called "Evac-u-quik". Darn near cracked the bowl.

My old boss had colon cancer and had taken both during different procedures. He told me the stuff above made the EVQ seem mild.

[767Jockey]

You guys are a class act!
I'm laughing my a$$ off, pun intended.

[Ron61]

I had to have it done several years ago and they gave me about 6 bottles of some kind of laxative to take.Each bottle was 12 ounces and I was to drink one an hour until they were gone. I drank the first one and then had to set the rest on the sink cabinet next to the stool as I never left it all night. I agree with Pat about having it in the early morning as I was fortunate and mine was at 7 AM. The actual procedure wasn't nearly bad as I had imagined it would be, but that mad dash to the bathroom after it was over was a record setting run. The doctor and nurse told me that I did well as about 1/2 of the people don't make it and they have to clean the floor from the table to the stool. The doctor also told me about one person that while he was bent overworking the probe around and up into the intestines just blew up in his face and he said they had crap on the ceiling. He and the nurse that I had kept telling funny things that happened to try and put me at ease as if after the night before anything was going to do that for a while.

Ron
Ron

[trularin]

OMG, I needed this thread to start off the day.

[October-1881]

This is all very funny but also very serious. I was told by my doctor several times to have a colonoscopy and kept putting it off. My mother had colon cancer and so finally, at 58 years old (8 years after the recommended age) I reluctantly had it done. Don't let anyone tell you the prep is fun. The stuff you have to drink is wretching and you're going to poop until everything turns to water. The actual test is a real no brainer. The drugs are great and it's over in no time. Anyway, when I got back to the little recovery area they told me I had several polyps and they removed what they could and tattooed the other two so they could locate them for future surgery. The news wasn't good but I went ahead thinking I didn't need to worry. I was very wrong! I was called into meet a surgeon and he told me he was going to have to operate and remove 1/3 of my colon. It's called a "Right Colon Resection" and they took out a lot of stuff including my appendex and lymph nodes. The surgery was done loproscopicly and I was out of the hospital in 4 days. The stuff they took out was (2) stage 2 cancers and I was very lucky. The surgeon said I didn't have to worry about anything and without 1/3 of my colon, I'd never miss it. He was right and I've since had 2 follow up colonoscopies and the latest one they found another polyp. They removed it and it was benign. While talking to my doctor last week, he assured me I'd never die of colon cancer because they will do follow up colonoscopies every 3-5 years now and they can keep ahead of any dangerous polyps developing. Colon cancer is called the silent killer and if I'd had the colonoscopy when I should have, who knows, maybe I would have avoided the surgery. Oh yeah, and another thing, since I had a cancer, I now have to be in the high risk state health insurance program and pay I $ 6,000.00/year for $ 5.000.00 deductable. Bottom line, if you're 50 years old, have it done...Please, for your families sake.

[Ron61]

October,

You are right about the prep not being fun, but I agree with you, And in your case, congratulations that they caught it in time.

Ron

[Maurice Johnson]

Had 1 last week. When I woke up, my Doctor, a knock-out Brazilian lady who looks like Nina from the "Just shoot me" TV show, asked me how I felt. I told her that if this is what a first date with her is like, I'm glad we don't go steady.

[coryb]

I had one a couple of months ago and used the aforementioned Moviprep. Dave Barry's description of the taste is exactly right. I found that the chicken broth helped though.

The whole thing pretty much went as he described except that I didn't know the doctor who'd been "17,000 feet" inside of me.

Mine turned out okay - no polyps - which was a relief as my uncle died of colon cancer many years ago.

[TINNMANN]

I also had one done last summer and the prep was EXPLOSIVE!!! almost had to add a foam gasket between the seat and the bowl to save the wall. Two days before a friend gave me the video Live On Broadway by Robin Williams and if you havn't seen it you should it has a skit on the procedure that is so funny you almost don't need the prep. I was on the golf course two hours after I woke up and shot the best round of my life. So to those that fear this it is only the thought that makes it bad the actual procedure is over before you know it and you feel great.
Cheers Greg

[4pipes]

I'm 64 this year and have already had three of these procedures. I'll never forget what the doctor told me after the first one. I asked "when do I have to have the next one?" He said "since you had one polyp, you'll need to come back in 3 years." I said "3 years, that's not so bad." He said "you'll be surprised at how fast time flies". He was right.

[Silverback51]

Originally Posted by October-1881

This is all very funny but also very serious. I was told by my doctor several times to have a colonoscopy and kept putting it off. My mother had colon cancer and so finally, at 58 years old (8 years after the recommended age) I reluctantly had it done. Don't let anyone tell you the prep is fun. The stuff you have to drink is wretching and you're going to poop until everything turns to water. The actual test is a real no brainer. The drugs are great and it's over in no time. Anyway, when I got back to the little recovery area they told me I had several polyps and they removed what they could and tattooed the other two so they could locate them for future surgery. The news wasn't good but I went ahead thinking I didn't need to worry. I was very wrong! I was called into meet a surgeon and he told me he was going to have to operate and remove 1/3 of my colon. It's called a "Right Colon Resection" and they took out a lot of stuff including my appendex and lymph nodes. The surgery was done loproscopicly and I was out of the hospital in 4 days. The stuff they took out was (2) stage 2 cancers and I was very lucky. The surgeon said I didn't have to worry about anything and without 1/3 of my colon, I'd never miss it. He was right and I've since had 2 follow up colonoscopies and the latest one they found another polyp. They removed it and it was benign. While talking to my doctor last week, he assured me I'd never die of colon cancer because they will do follow up colonoscopies every 3-5 years now and they can keep ahead of any dangerous polyps developing. Colon cancer is called the silent killer and if I'd had the colonoscopy when I should have, who knows, maybe I would have avoided the surgery. Oh yeah, and another thing, since I had a cancer, I now have to be in the high risk state health insurance program and pay I $ 6,000.00/year for $ 5.000.00 deductable. Bottom line, if you're 50 years old, have it done...Please, for your families sake.

Well I'm in the same boat, kind of. I turn 58 this year and have been so busy I just keep putting it off.

Guess I need to do it this year. I will just make it my birthday present to myself.

[joe g]

Have also had one, no big deal. As they say BOTTOMS UP!!!!
joeg

[Dirty Harry]

I had one. No negative effects-just a lot of funny stories. A guy I worked with missed work one day to have one done. He didn't want anyone to know why he was out that day, so I didn't tell anyone. I did, however, put a note on this guy's office door for the next day that said, "Your doctor called. You're supposed to call him back. Seems he can't find his class ring."

[turnpike boy]

At families' insistence, I got my first on January 1, 2008 at age 55. Also have a very good friend who's had a couple; with his assurances I forged ahead with confidence. Puts a peculiar perspective on the New Year.

You guys are all correct - the actual up-periscope was a non-event...but the prep. Ughff...the prep. Drinking that offal was the pits; the last 16 ounces (of 128) were sent down the sink's drain rather than mine as I just was at the limit with it.

But Pat has a point. There's nothing so over-rated as a good piece of a$$, and nuthin so under-rated as a good sh*t. And this procedure treats you to a huge number of them .

[Wes Tausend]

Originally Posted by Dirty Harry

I had one. No negative effects-just a lot of funny stories. A guy I worked with missed work one day to have one done. He didn't want anyone to know why he was out that day, so I didn't tell anyone. I did, however, put a note on this guy's office door for the next day that said, "Your doctor called. You're supposed to call him back. Seems he can't find his class ring."

Lost ring. That is funny, Dirty Harry.

Dave Barry is a favorite. He seems to be able to find all the right words.

I had a Sigmoscopy here a while back but it wasn't all that bad. The usual unpleasant system flush to be sure. I was told it wasn't perfect, which is hard to believe. Embarrassing, but there is always that one dawdler at closing time I guess.

Prior to this, I has several "shallow" prostate biopsy procedures done. After the first few inches, there is not much feeling. So size doesn't matter.

The Sig was explained to me as a shorter (compared to colonoscopy) and cheaper probe. I'm cheap. Why pay extra if size doesn't matter?

Doc showed me a diagram of the colon which is shaped like a large question mark ?. He says that he probed up level to the diagram-left-hand-down-turn, which is nearly a full colonoscopy. There actually wasn't much discomfort except for the excess air they pump in to clear the "freeway". And even that wasn't all that abnormal for me, seeing as how I'm used to posting here anyway. My brother said I might burp, and the nurse agreed, but I didn't.

The shallow prostrate exam is actually a little worse since it snips chunks of prostate for biopsy. Each feels like a bee-sting and after a dozen or so, even a pain-loving rail worker will wish for cessation. Apparently, I'm thinking, there is internal feeling in this prostrate area normally reserved for expulsion pleasure. This is more of a painful backfire, strangely familiar, but just the opposite. It's like excess finger-check pressure, only much sharper.

Somehow, ripping chunks of prostate loose and dragging them out ones azz just isn't right. And, to me, it doesn't seem sanitary to poke leaky holes in the colon like this. Yet it isn't so bad as to yelp or bring tears either.

One Doc checked for bladder bleeding by doing a catheterization. It was my first ....and I hope my last. Apparently I have some restricting scar tissue from an old "war wound". It hurt enough to nearly bring tears at the time; the next few days were again "pipe grabbing" while in front of the urinal.

Wes

...

[bomelia]

Fred, that was so dam funny I spurted. I recently had this experience, several years early due to an unexpected set of events. Turned out to be nothing. Trust me, having a friend who is Colon Doctor is a blessing. I dunno about 17,000 feet, but I did see "the tube" and it had "foot" markings on it, all the way up to 7 feet as I recall. Johnny whats his name would have been made to feel quite inadequate. But the drugs were good and I remember none of the act. I will tell you men, phuck your pride and all of that. I have had two friends die from colorectal disease. Its ugly and pointless. As for me, I will be heading back on the "prescribed" date for the next one. No fear. And dying from embarassment is the stupidest way to go.

Mike

[PatBuckley]

I can't wait for the next one.

[Fred Douglass]

......the NATIONAL colonoscopy were are presently undergoing. First, the new taxes and the IRS flush out all our money, then the massive PROBE of legislated government intervention is inserted. The only break with this analogy is that the horrid government probe REMAINS in place for the rest of our lives!!!!!~ar-ar-ar-ar-ar-ooooooooooooouch!