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  #1281 (permalink)  
Old 08-28-2016, 02:16 PM
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You think you have lived to be 80 plus and know who you are, then along comes someone and
> blows it all to hell!
>
>> An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and
> ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
>

She turned to the pilot and asked,
>
> "Are you a real pilot?"
>
>
>
> He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a
> Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more
> than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds,so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?
>
>
> She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the
> morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think
> about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
>
> The two sat sipping in silence.
>
>
> A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?"
>
> He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I'm a lesbian.'
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  #1282 (permalink)  
Old 08-28-2016, 11:50 PM
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AUSTRALIAN LOVE POEM.



Of course I love ya darlin’
You're a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say you're gorgeous
I mean every single word
So ya bum is on the big side
I don't mind a bit of flab
It means that when I'm ready
There's somethin’ there to grab

So your belly isn't flat no more
I tell ya, I don't care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round there

No Sheila who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
Yours just gave in to gravity
But I know ya did ya best

I'm tellin' ya the truth now
I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy
That you've got dimples on ya thighs

I swear on me nanna's grave now
The moment that we met
I thought you was as good as
I was ever gunna get

No matter what you look like
I'll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footballs’ on
And fetch another beer.
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  #1283 (permalink)  
Old 09-01-2016, 03:13 PM
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A businessman in the first class cabin decided to chat up the drop dead, gorgeous flight attendant: “What is your name?”

Flight Attendant: “Angela Benz, sir”

Businessman: “Lovely name ...any relation to Mercedes Benz?”

Flight Attendant: “Yes sir, very close”

Businessman: “How close?”

Flight Attendant: “Same price".
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  #1284 (permalink)  
Old 09-26-2016, 07:52 PM
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Default Little johnny's sister

OH No!!! He has a sister ?!



Little Sally came home from school with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frankie Brown showed me his willy today in the playground!"


Before her mother could raise a concern, Sally said, "It reminded me of a peanut."


Relaxing with a hidden smile, Sally's Mum asked, "Really small, was it?"


Sally replied, "No... Salty."




Mum fainted.
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  #1285 (permalink)  
Old 09-28-2016, 01:49 AM
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Default one for our American friends

Do you know what happened 166 years ago this September?

On September 9, 1850 California became a state!
The people had no electricity!
The state had no money!
Almost everyone spoke Spanish!
There were gunfights in the streets!


So basically NOTHING has changed, except back then the women had real tits and the men didn't hold hands.


And that, my friend, is your history lesson for today.

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  #1286 (permalink)  
Old 10-01-2016, 02:59 AM
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Default English Grammar Test

Which is grammatically correct ?

Angels is souls
or
Angels are souls ?

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  #1287 (permalink)  
Old 10-04-2016, 03:23 AM
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A young man graduated from University of New Zealand with a degree in
journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him
was to write a human interest story. Being from NZ, he went back to the
bush to do his research. He went to an old farmer's house way back in
the hills, introduced himself to the farmer, and proceeded to explain to him why he was
there. The young man asked, "Has anything ever happened around here that made you happy?"

The farmer thought for a minute and said, "Yep! One time one of my
neighbour's sheep got lost. We formed a search party and found it. We all rooted it and took it back home."

"I can't print that!" the young man exclaimed. "Can you think of
anything else that happened that made you or a lot of other people happy?"
After another moment, the farmer said, "Yeah, one time my neighbour's
daughter, a good looking girl, got lost. We formed a big search
party that time and found her. After we all rooted her, we took her back home too."

Again, the young man said "I can't print that either. Has anything ever
happened around here that made you sad?"


The old farmer dropped his head, looked up timidly at the young man and said "I got lost once."
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  #1288 (permalink)  
Old 10-09-2016, 11:57 PM
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Default Newman's Law...........Paul's that is

You don't have to push on the brake pedal when the car's upside down !

courtesy of Mr Paul Neman
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  #1289 (permalink)  
Old 10-10-2016, 01:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rog246 View Post
You don't have to push on the brake pedal when the car's upside down !

courtesy of Mr Paul Neman
Haven't heard of air brakes
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  #1290 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2017, 02:38 PM
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A guy goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits down.

There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best wine,
beer on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies, who appear to have mislaid their garments.

He hears a priest come in and immediately says:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to
Confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be".

The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side!”
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  #1291 (permalink)  
Old 01-07-2017, 11:19 PM
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always thought they were dodgy bastards !
Your choice which side you choose !!
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  #1292 (permalink)  
Old 01-16-2017, 03:21 AM
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A man was hospitalised with 6 plastic horses up his arse !


Doctor described his condition as stable !
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  #1293 (permalink)  
Old 01-27-2017, 02:31 PM
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Default Thought for the day!

Thought for the day!



Life

This is perhaps the most profound philosophy I've heard in recent times:





"Life is like a penis; simple, relaxed and hanging free; it's women who make it hard."
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  #1294 (permalink)  
Old 01-28-2017, 03:25 AM
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A female police officer arrests a man for drink driving.

She tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent.

Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk says, "Tits".
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  #1295 (permalink)  
Old 02-01-2017, 01:43 AM
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Default Climbing Rose

Oh what a tangled language English is and how easy it is to misconstrue......

A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show.
The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time.
You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?'

She agrees and a date is made.
The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face.
He is stunned. 'What was that for?' he asked.




She said... I looked up "beautiful climbing rose" on Google last night and it said…..




"Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in an open bed."
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  #1296 (permalink)  
Old 02-02-2017, 12:52 PM
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Donald trump wants to paint the White House....
He calls for quotations..

Chinese guy quoted $3 million..
European guy quoted $7 million..
Indian guy quoted $10 million...

Trump asked Chinese guy, "How you quoted $3 million.....?"
Chinese guy replied, "1 million for paint, 1 million for labour, 1 million profit...."

Trump asked European guy..
He replied, "3 million for paint, 2 million for labour, 2 million profit....."

Trump asked Indian guy.. He replied, "4 million for you.. 3 million for me.. And we will give 3 million to the Chinese guy and ask him to paint......!!"

Order bagged by Indian .......
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  #1297 (permalink)  
Old 02-02-2017, 05:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by letsboogie351 View Post
Trump asked Indian guy.. He replied, "4 million for you.. 3 million for me.. And we will give 3 million to the Chinese guy and ask him to paint......!!"

Order bagged by Indian .......
I love!
Everyone wins!
Even the tax payer. I mean that debt probably never going to be paid off in real terms anyway
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Last edited by Dimis; 02-02-2017 at 06:55 PM..
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  #1298 (permalink)  
Old 02-06-2017, 02:12 AM
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A Guy was Hunting when a gust of wind blew, the gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the Genitals.

Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his Doctor.

"Well, Sir, I have some good news an some bad news..??

The good news is that you are going to be OK.

The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage, and we were able to remove All of the Buckshot."

"What's the Bad News"..?? asked the Hunter.

"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive Buckshot Damage done to your Marriage Machine which left quite a Few Holes in it".

"I'm going to have to refer you to my Sister", says the Doc.

"Well, I guess that isn't too bad," the Hunter replied.

"Is your Sister a Plastic Surgeon"..??

" Not exactly" answered the Doctor.

"She's a Flute Player in the Boston Symphony Orchestra".

"She's going to teach you where to put your Fingers, so you don't Piss in your Eye".
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  #1299 (permalink)  
Old 02-07-2017, 01:24 PM
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Default how to wash your car with one bucket of water

https://youtu.be/Zj3sIFtfb4g
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Old 04-02-2017, 05:06 AM
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Planet Bin Chicken



not to be viewed near meal times...

LB
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