Subject: Politics are everywhere
A Texas cowboy was herding his cows in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand new BMW emerged from a cloud of dust coming towards him. The driver, a young man in an YSL suit, Fendi shoes, Bulgari sunglasses & an Armani tie leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure. Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an e-mail on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this data via an e-mail on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP Laser Jet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy. He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car. Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?" The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?" "You're a consultant to the Kerry campaign," says the cowboy. "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about my business.............Now give me back my dog."

David



__________________________________________________ __

A horse walks into a bar....the bar tender looks at him and says "hey buddy, whats with the long face?".................. bahahahahahahaha that gets me every time.

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Laden, and Uncle Sam, were out walking
together one day. They came across a lantern, and a Genie popped out of it.

"I will give each of you one wish -- that's three wishes total," said the
Genie.

The Canadian responded with, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son
will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the Genie's eye, "POOF," the land in Canada was forever made
fertile for farming.

Osama Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around Afghanistan so
high that no infidels, Jews, or Americans, can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, "POOF," there was a huge wall around
Afghanistan.

Uncle Sam (a former civil engineer) asked, "I'm very curious. Please tell me
more about this wall."

The Genie explained, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick, and
completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out -- virtually
impenetrable."

Uncle Sam then made his wish: "Fill it with water.":JEKYLHYDE

The Perfect Husband
 

Subject: THE PERFECT HUSBAND


Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone

on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free

speaker-function and begins to talk.

Everyone else in the room stops to listen.



MAN: "Hello"



WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"



MAN: "Yes"



WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"



MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."



WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the

new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."



MAN: "How much?"



WOMAN: "$90,000"


MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."


WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .. The house I wanted last

year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000"



MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000.

They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50

thousand if it's really a pretty good price."



WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"



MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."



The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring

at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....



He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

After having dug to a depth of 1000 meters last year, Scottish
scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 1000 years and came to
the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more
than 1000 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed British
scientists dug to a depth of 2000 meters, and shortly after headlines in the
UK newspapers read:

"British archaeologists have found traces of 2000 year copper wire and
have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network a thousand years earlier than the Scots."

One week later, Texas newspapers reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 5000 meters in West Texas, Texas A&M
scientists have found absolutely nothing. They have, therefore, concluded
that 5000 years ago Texas inhabitants were already using wireless
technology."

Fha
 

As you can imagine, when purchasing homes, New Orleans residents are many times challenged with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through several generations of families, making it quite difficult to establish ownership.

Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the FHA on behalf of a client that I thought was absolutely priceless!!

You gotta love this lawyer.......! Everyone who has ever bought a house will enjoy this.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property apparently dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply.

"Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin."

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows:

"Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.

"For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella.

"The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana.

"God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA.

"I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?"

The loan was approved!!!

THE YEAR'S BEST . . .(actual) HEADLINES OF 2006: Most of the year's gone by, but they are pretty neat, so...enjoy!

Crack Found on Governor's Daughter Imagine that!

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Whaaat??

Panda Mating Fails;
Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!

Miners Refuse to Work
After Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!

Juvenile Court to Try
Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!

War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
You think?!

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning:
Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

Hospitals are Sued by
7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!


And the winner is....

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that sign right?

Now, it's your turn to spread the stupidity !!!!!!

Not a joke, but funny:

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v4...NfLyd0BWRo.jpg

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v4...6f2c954ab7.jpg

http://d.yimg.com/us.yimg.com/p/uc/2...lblm070119.gif

A married Irishman went into theconfessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poorbox."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching , quickly ran over to him saying, "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

A woman was having a passionate affairwith an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to thelover,"into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspiciousand after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?"he asked him.

"I'm an inspector fromBugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?"the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint aboutan infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?"asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
_____

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dogdied, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' besaying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraidnot; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, andthere's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for thecreature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right awayFather. Do ya 'think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"
_____

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful."

Then hefell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said,

"You're cute."

The wife was disappointed because insteadof "beautiful," it was now "cute."

She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"

The man replied, "The drugs are wearing off."
_____

There once was a religious young womanwho went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, forI have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and thendrink the juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it willwipe that smile off of your face."

Translations: Southern United States to English

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."
Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.
Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him
in munts."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."
Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool.
Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother
from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

ALL - noun. A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: "I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck."

FAR - noun. A conflagration.
Usage: "If my brother from Jawjuh doesn't change the all in my pickup truck,
that things gonna catch far."

TARRED - adjective. Exhausted.
Usage: "I just flew in from Hot-lanta, and boy my arms are tarred."

RATS - noun. Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: "We Southerners are willing to fight for out rats."

FARN - adjective. Not local.
Usage: "I cudnt unnerstand a wurd he sed ... must be from some farn country."

EAR - noun. A colorless, odorless gas (unless you are in LA).
Usage: "He can't breathe ... give 'em some ear!"

GUMMIT - Noun. An often-closed bureaucratic institution.
Usage: "Great ... ANOTHER gummit shutdown!"

Prison Break
 

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.

He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a

young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a

chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets

on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: Listen,

this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably

spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed

your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain...do whatever he

tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is

obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be

strong, honey. I love you !

His wife responds: He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my

ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had

any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you,too.


:o

HILLARY'S FIRST NIGHT AS PRESIDENT

Hillary Clinton Was sworn in today as President

She has disposed of Bill and is spending her first night alone in the White House.

She has waited several years for this.

FIRST NIGHT

Suddenly! The ghost of George Washington appears to her, and Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Washington says, "Never tell a lie."
"Ouch!" Says Hillary, "I don't know about that."

SECOND NIGHT

The next night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Jefferson says, "Listen to the people." "Ohhh! I really don't want to do that."

THIRD NIGHT

On the third night, the ghost of Abe Lincoln appears... Hillary says, "How can I best serve my country?"

Lincoln says, "Go to the theater."

Are you tired of those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good, but
never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises
that actually speak of true friendship. You will see no cutesy little
smiley faces on this card - just the stone cold truth of our great
friendship.

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against
the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much
worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well
again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask;
"because you are my friend".

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can
only think of 4.

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can
feel the true warmth.

And always remember....when life hands you Lemons, ask for tequila and salt
and call me over!

Old folks Jokes...

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."

The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


Keep reading

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."

"Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"

"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."


Keep Reading

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man.


He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?


Keep Reading

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.


After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.


On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.


"I don't know," he said. "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."


Keep Reading

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. "Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?" he asks.

"Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?"

"Sure."

"Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" she asks.

"No, I can remember it."

! "Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?"

He says, "I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries."

"I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?" she asks.

Irritated, he says, "I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!"

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment. "Where's my toast?"


Keep Reading

A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well, then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive!"


Keep Reading

Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"

Second one says, "No, it's Thursday!"

Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."



Keep Reading

A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.."

"Really," answered the neighbor, "What kind is it?"

"Twelve thirty."


Keep Reading

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.

A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"

Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"

The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur so be careful.' "


One More

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.

The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

"No," he replied, "Arthritis."

Creative Thinking
 

Creative Thinking

Thinking Outside The Box

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you
pass a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.

2. An old friend who once saved your life.

3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only
be one passenger in your car? Think, before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job
application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die,
and thus you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because
he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him
back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up
with his answer. She simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old
friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and
wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought
limitations. Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."

In fact, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of
her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop sign,
then drive off with the old friend for some beers.

God, I just love happy endings.

A first grade school teacher in Virginia had twenty-five students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the first half of a well known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.

It's hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!

1. Don't change horses...... ......... ......... ..until they stop running.
2. Strike while the......... ......... ......... ....bug is close.
3. Its always darkest before...... ......... ..Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of .......termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but..... How?
6. Don't bite the hand that ............ .....looks dirty.
7. No news is.......... ......... ......... ......... .impossible.
8. A miss is as good as a........... ........ Mr.
9. You can't teach an old dog new..... Math.
10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll.....stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust....... ......... ......... .... Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ..........pigs.
13. An idle mind is.......... ......... ......... ..the best way to relax.
14. Where there's smoke there's ..........pollution .
15. Happy the bride who......... ......... .....gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is……………..not much
17. Two's company, three’s……….. The Musketeers
18. Don't put off till tomorrow what.... you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and..... you have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as.......... Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ……….spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don't succeed ......... get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ... see in the picture on the box.
24. When the blind lead the blind..... Get out of the way.

And the WINNER and last one!
25. Better late than........ ......... ......... ......... . pregnant

Three third graders in East Texas(a Hispanic kid, a Black kid and a
Redneck kid) are on the play ground at recess.

The Hispanic kid suggests that they play a new game. "Let's see who has
the largest weenie," he says. "Okay." They all agree.

The Hispanic kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out.

"That's nothing," says the Black kid. He whips his out and proudly shows
that his is at least an inch longer.

Not to be outdone, the Redneck kid whips his out. It is by far not only
the longest & biggest, but the fattest too.

That night, eating dinner at home, the Redneck kid's mother asks him
what he did at school today. "Oh, we worked on a science project, had amath
test and read out loud from a new book and then during recess, my
friends and I played a new game called "Let's see who has the largest weenie."

"What kind of game is that, honey ?" asks the mother.

"Well, me, Javon and Jose each pulled out our weenies and I had the
biggest! The other kids say it's because I'm a Redneck. Is that true,Mom?"

Mom replies, "No, Honey. It's because you're twenty-one."

Blonde's Year in Review:

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.....Helllloooo!!!.....bottles won't fit in printer !!!


March - Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"


April - Trapped on escalator for hours ..... Power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions ...8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition ..learned later, the
other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of my car in rain storm.....car swamped because
soft-top was open.

September - The capital of California is "C". ....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's. ...they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days ... Instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!

December - Couldn't call 911 .. "duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the stupid phone!!!

A man owned a small ranch in Colorado. The Colorado Wage & Hour Dept. claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.

"Well," replied the rancher, "There's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $600 a week plus free room and board.

The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $500 per week plus free room and board.

Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night."

"That's the guy I want to talk to, the half-wit," says the agent.

"That would be me," replied the rancher.

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

8. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

9. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

10. Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

11. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

12. And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.