A 90-year-old man was having his annual checkup.

The doctor asked him how he was feeling.

"I've never been better," the old man replied.

"I've got an eighteen-year-old bride who's pregnant & delivered a

child.

What is your opinion.. about that, Doc?" the old man asked.

The doctor thought for a moment,then says,

"Well, let me tell you a story.

I know a guy who is an hunter. He never misses a season for

hunting.

But,one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his

umbrella instead of his gun.

The doctor continued, "So he's walking in the woods near a

creek,and suddenly he spots a lion in

some brush in front of him. He raises up his umbrella, points it at

the

lion and squeezes the handle. BAM!

The lion drops dead in front of him."

"That's impossible!" said the old man in disbelief.

Someone else must have shot that lion." . . .

"Exactly" Said the Doc.

Three women were talking about their love lives.
The first said, "My husband is like a Rolls-Royce; smooth and sophisticated."
The second said, "Mine is like a Cobra; fast and powerful."
The third said, "Mine is like an old Chevy. It needs a hand start and I have to jump on while it's still going."

SOME RAMBLINGS from a RETIRED MIND

I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm wearing my garage door opener.
.........................

You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
..........................

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
..........................

I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.
..........................

I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age and call it "Pumping Rust."
..........................

I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease ... that's when your chest is falling into your drawers! Has a cure been found yet??
...........................

You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say, "Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for company!"
............................

Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, "A Good Doctor!"
..............................

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do . . write to these men? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail?
.............................

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older then it dawned on me - they were cramming for their finals. As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.

Hope this brought some smiles your way!

There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife:
"Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife."
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!"
She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.
She said, "Yes, I promised. I'm a good Christian, I can't lie. I
promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my
account and I wrote him a check."

GIRL'S NIGHT OUT
 

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out, but had been decidedly
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly drunk and walking
home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her
panties and use them. Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
pair of panties and did not want to ruin them, but was lucky enough to
salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves, and she
proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day one of the women's husbands phoned the other husband and said,
"These damn girl nights have to stop. My wife came home with no panties."

"That's nothing" said the other husband "Mine came back with a card stuck
between the crack of her ass that said 'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We will never forget you!'."

WOMAN STUFF
 

A WOMAN'S PERFECT REVENGE
"Cash, check, or charge?" I asked, after folding the items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled in her purse for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a TV in her purse. " So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.
AND THE BEST YET.... A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct isle. He comes back with a huge bag of cotton balls, a ball of string, and puts them on the counter. She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?" He answers, "You see, it's like this. Yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; because it's sooooo much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own, so does she!"

RIDING A BIKE
 

A missionary realizes that the one thing he never taught the
natives was how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a
walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief,
"This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree. "
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little
farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a
rock." Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock." The
missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when
he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the
midst of heavy sexual activity. The missionary is really
flustered and quickly responds, "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and
kills them.
The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has
spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each
other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied, "My bike."

TERRORIST
 

HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT A TERRORIST IS DEPRESSED?


HE FEELS TO BAD TO KILL HIMSELF!


WHAT DO YOU CALL A LAWYER THAT GONE BAD?


A POLITICIAN!!!

Good ol Boy!
 

A good ol boy staggered home late after another evening with his drinking buddies.
Shoes in left hand to avoid waking his wife, he tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step in the
darkened entryway. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump.
A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing to suppress a yelp, he sprung up, pulled down his pants and examined his lacerated and bleeding cheeks in the mirror of a nearby darkened hallway, then
managed to find a large full box of band aids before proceeding to place a patch as best he could on each place he saw blood. After hiding the now almost
empty box, he managed to shuffle and stumble his way to bed.
In the morning, he awakens with screaming pain in head and butt to find his wife staring at him from across the room, and hears her say: "You were drunk again last night."
Forcing himself to ignore his agony, he looked meekly at her and replied: "Now hon, why would you say such a mean thing."
"Well," she said, "there is the front door left open, the glass at the bottom of the stairs, the drops of blood trailing through the house and your bloodshot eyes, but,
mostly....it's all those band aids stuck on the downstairs mirror."

The boys were just finishing up late nite bowling when someone suggests a little bar crawling. One of them says oh no it's late
and my wife would kill me. If I drive slowly down my street and turn the car off and coast into the driveway then open the front door very quietly. Up the stairs being careful to miss step number 7 and 11 cause they squeak. Into the bathroom and piss around the edge of the toilet,then I tiptoe into the bedroom and slide into bed. If I'm really
lucky she won't wake up and holler at me. His buddy replies,man you've got it all wrong. I speed down my street slam on the brakes, screech to a halt, and bump into the garage door. Then I open the front door and slam it,and pound up the steps. Into the bathroom and piss right in the middle of the bowl. I barge into the bedroom and yell, anybody around here want to get laid? I never hear a word!!!:LOL:

Art;

Funny but true, I had a buddy they occasionally stayed out a little too late and drank a lot too much and did the same thing and his wife never bothered him.... He said the louder he hollered,the louder she snored when he went in the bedroom....

David

NOT A JOKE
 

Top Eight Morons of 2003

WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.


WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:

Police in Oakland , California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up."

WHAT WAS PLAN B???

An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

THE GETAWAY!

A man walked into a Topeka , Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

DID I SAY THAT???

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"

ARE WE COMMUNICATING??

A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"

NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

THE GRAND FINALE (I LOVE THIS ONE!!)

Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina, thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. NOW REMEMBER... THIS IS TRUE. Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer.

Does any one else find it frightening the majority of these took place in California??

AN EMAIL FROM MY WIFE
 

Dwight you think our kids don't know much about cars listen to this: One of my customers overheard her son's sixteen year old friend telling her son why he thought he was having trouble with his pickup truck. He said:
"No wonder my truck isn't running right. You wouldn't believe how heavy the tires are. I took it (the truck) over to get the tires rotated and while I was there I picked up one of the tires and got on a scale. After subtracting my weight I figured the tire weighed about thirty-five pounds. Right after that the guy at the garage put air in it. When I asked him how much air he'd put in the tire he said that the tire took 35 pounds. No wonder that truck is strugging to run. Those tires with all that air weigh seventy pounds a piece!"
Sometimes when our kids do something dumb I forget how intelligent they really are!!!!!


WE HAVE SIX KIDS. 19 TO 31 YEARS OLD.

WORDS OF WINDOM
 

1. You know sometimes I get the sudden urge to run
around naked. But then I just drink some Windex. It
keeps me from streaking.

2. Food has replaced sex in my life, now I can't even
get into my own pants.

3. The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my
blood alcohol content.

4. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed
with a relative!

5. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on
it..so I said..Implants?"

6. I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the
same effect just standing up fast.

7. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know
me here.

8. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery
easier to live with.

9. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a
screamer or a moaner.

10. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport
the terminal?

11. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too
many of them get elected!

12. The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it
has absolutely no trade-in value.

13. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and
dip-****'s.

14. If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it
deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys. But if it deals
you a truckload of hand grenades...now THAT'S
a message!

15. Being married is to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

16. Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at
the bowling alley.

17. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I
am perfect.

18. I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones
she's been giving me lately!

19. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number
of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

20. If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I
see so many dead rabbits on the high way?

21. How come we choose from just two people to run for
President and 50 for Miss America?

22. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant
like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

23. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't
want to see naked?

24. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

25. Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear
Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know
where it's been

BUS STOP
 

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, and with them are their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
When the bus arrives,they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the side walk and says to him: "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy! The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up!"
__________________________________________________ ______________

Gun-toting granny Ava Estelle, 81, was so ticked-off when two thugs raped her 18-year-old granddaughter that she tracked the unsuspecting ex-cons down - - and shot off their testicles.

The old lady spent a week hunting those men down -- and when she found them, she took revenge on them in her own special way, said Melbourne police investigator Evan Delp. Then she took a taxi to the nearest police station, laid the gun on the sergeant's desk and told him as calm as could be:

'Those bastards will never rape anybody again, by God.' Cops say convicted rapist and robber Davis Furth, 33, lost both his penis and his testicles

when outraged Ava opened fire with a 9-mm pistol in the hotel room where he and former prison cellmate Stanley Thomas, 29, were holed up.

The wrinkled avenger also blew Thomas' testicles to kingdom come, but doctors managed to save his mangled penis, police said. The one guy, Thomas, didn't lose his manhood, but the doctor I talked to said he won't be using it the way he used to, Detective Delp told reporters. Both men are still in pretty bad shape, but I think they're just happy to be alive after what they've been through.

The Rambo Granny swung into action August 21 after her granddaughter Debbie was carjacked and raped in broad daylight by two knife-wielding creeps in a section of town bordering on skid row. "When I saw the look on my Debbie's face that night in the hospital, I decided I was going to go out and get

those bastards myself 'cause I figured the Law would go easy on them." recalled the retired library worker. "And I wasn't scared of them, either -- because I've got me a gun and I've been shootin' all my life. And I wasn't dumb enough to turn it in when the law changed about owning one."

So, using a police artist's sketch of the suspects and Debbie's description of the sickos', tough-as-nails Ava spent seven days prowling the wino-infested neighborhood where the crime took place till she spotted the ill fated rapists entering their flophouse hotel.

I knew it was them the minute I saw 'em, but I shot a picture of 'em anyway and took it back to Debbie and she said sure as hell, it was them, the oldster recalled.

So I went back to that hotel and found their room and knocked on the door and the minute the big one, Furth, opened the door, I shot 'em right square between the legs, right where it would really hurt 'em most, you know. Then I went in and shot the other one as he backed up pleading to me to spare

him. Then I went down to the police station and turned myself in.

Now, baffled lawmen are trying to figure out exactly how to deal with the vigilante granny. What she did was wrong, and she broke the law, but it is difficult to throw an 81-year-old woman in prison, Det. Delp said, especially when 3 million people in the city want to nominate her for sainthood and a medal.

DEPORT HER TO AMERICA -- WE NEED HER!!!

The following are all replies that British women have put on Child
Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details: These
are genuine excerpts from the forms.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was
fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of
child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was
being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can
provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party
if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was
conceived at a party at 3600 Grand avenue where I had unprotected sex
with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good
that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father can you send
me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels.
Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if
he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am awaiting a letter from the
Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is
Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to
do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications
for the British economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right
by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all squaddies look
the same to me. I can confirm that he was a Royal Green Jacket.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him
can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs?

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Euro
Disney. Maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember
for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the
evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to
the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all
when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.

An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his
staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack.

It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally
qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off." Debra replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like sh!t.

REDNECK HUNTERS, "FROM CANADA"
 

A couple of redneck hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.
The other redneck starts to panic, then whips out his cell phone and calls 911.

He frantically blurts out to the operator,
"O my gawd! Help! My friend just died. He's Dead! What can I do?"
The operator, trying to calm him says,
"Take it easy. I can help. Just listen to me and follow my
instructions.
First, lets make sure he's dead." There's a short pause, and then the operator hears a loud gun shot!!!
The redneck comes back on the line and says,
"OK, now what?"

NASA AND THE NAVAJO
 

NASA and the Navajo

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo
Project, it took the astronauts
to a Navajo reservation in Arizona for
training.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son came
across the space crew walking
among the rocks.
The elder, who spoke only Navajo, asked a
question.
His son translated for the NASA people:
"What are these guys in the
big suits doing?"
One of the astronauts said that they were
practicing for a trip to the
moon.
When his son relayed this comment the
Navajo elder got all excited and
asked if it would be possible to give to the
astronauts a message to deliver
to the moon.
Recognizing a promotional opportunity
when he saw one, a NASA official
accompanying the astronauts said, "Why
certainly!" and told an underling to
get a tape recorder.
The Navajo elder's comments into the
microphone were brief. The NASA
official asked the son if he would translate
what his father had said.
The son listened to the recording and
laughed uproariously. But he
refused to translate. So the NASA people took
the tape to a nearby Navajo
village and played it for other members of the
tribe. They too laughed long
and loudly but also refused to translate the
elder's message to the moon.
Finally, an official government
translator was summoned. After he
finally stopped laughing the translator relayed
the message:

"Watch out for these a**holes. They have
come to steal your land."


THEY EMAIL TO ME AND I JUST POST THEM

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D