A repairman is walking through a mental institution. He comes up to the first room and sees a man swinging an imaginary baseball bat. "What the hell are you doing?" he asks. "I'm Babe Ruth. As soon as I hit a homerun I'm out of here," replies the man. The repairman wishes him well and continues on his way.
In the next room, there's a guy swinging an imaginary golf club. "What the hell are YOU doing?" he asks. "I'm Arnold Palmer. As soon as I make a hole in one I'm out of here!" replies the man. The repairman shakes his head and comes up to the next room.
There's a guy sitting naked balancing a peanut on the tip of his dick. "What the hell are you doing!" he asks. "I'm ****ing nuts, I'm never getting out of here!

What is the California smog test?
Can UCLA

------------------------------------

What do you call 2 lesbians in a canoe? Fur Traders.

------------------------------------

You stink so bad you make Right Guard turn left, Speed Stick slow down,
Secret obvious, and Sure confused.




On his recent tour of New Zealand, the Pope took a couple of days out of his
itinerary for an impromptu visit to the wild outdoors of the far North of
New Zealand.

Way up on desolate Ninety Mile beach, near the mouth of the Te Paki Stream,
safe in his 4X4 Pope-mobile, his entourage came upon an enormous commotion
in the water. They rushed to see what it was about and upon approaching the
scene the Pope noticed a hapless man in the surf wearing a Wallabies rugby
jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a sixteen
foot shark.

Almost immediately a speedboat containing three men wearing All Black
jerseys roared into view from beyond the surf line. One of the men took aim
and fired a harpoon into the sharks' head, immobilizing it instantly. The
other two reached down and pulled the Aussie from the water and using long
clubs, finished the shark off.

They bundled the bleeding, semi conscious man into the speedboat along with
the dead shark and then prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard
frantic shouting from the shore. It was of course the Pope. He summoned them
to the beach.

When they reached the shore the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and
said, "I give you my best Papal blessing for your brave actions. I had heard
that there is a racist xenophobic divide between Australia & New Zealand,
but, now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not true. I can see that
your societies are true examples of racial harmony and could serve as a
model on which other nations could follow." He blessed them all and drove
off in a cloud of dust.

As he departed, the harpoonist turned the other Kiwis and asked: 'Who the
bloody hell was that???!"

"That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact
with God and has access to all God's wisdom."

"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows bugger all about shark fishing!
Now - how's that bait holding up, or do we need to get another one?"















A French cook believed people would enjoy rabbit. He decided
to raise rabbits. But he could not find a good place. Finally,
a priest said he could have a small area behind the cathedral.
There he raised his rabbits, and when he went about Paris
selling them, he was asked where he got such fresh rabbits.
The cook replied, "I raise them myself. In fact, I have a
hutch back of Notre Dame."













Our school cafeteria was having a discipline problem. Some of the
older
children while waiting in line to be served were taking snacks from the
plates of the younger children who were already eating. This was
solved
by sending anyone taking food from a younger child to the back of the
room where they would have to wait until after everyone else was
served
before they could be served. A warning was posted. What did it say?

He who has a taste shall be last











You just may be a nymphomaniac if...

. You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.
. You go through a Sealyä Mattress every week.
.Frederick of Hollywood actually comes to your door himself...just to see
where 1/2 of his orders go.
. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
. When they change your area code to 976.
. Tetracycline is your best friend.
. McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".
. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
. When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your door.
. When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.
. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
. When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
. When you're wearing more latex than spandex.
. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
. When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink.
. When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
. The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.
. When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"
. When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
. When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend".

MR. SMITH got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet and pretty. One
day, while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open.

When leaving the room she said, "Oh, Mr. Smith, did you know your barracks
door is open?"

He did not understand her remark, but later he happened to look down and saw
his zipper was open.

He decided to have some fun with his new secretary. Calling her in he asked,
"By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door open did you also see
a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary who was quite witty said, "Why no Mr. Smith. All I saw was a
little disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags."













A man noticed a woman in the grocery store with a three-year-
old girl in her cart.

As they passed the cookie section, the little girl asked for
cookies and her mother told her no.

The little girl immediately began to have a conniption fit,
and the mother said quietly, "Now Missy, we just have half of
the aisles left to go through--don't be upset. It won't be
long."

In the candy aisle, the little girl began to shout for treats.

When mom said she couldn't have any, she began to kick her
mother and scream. The mother said softly, "There, there,
Missy, don't cry--only two more aisles to go and then we'll
be checking out."

When they got to the checkout stand, the little brat
immediately began to reach for the gum and freaked out when
her mom said she couldn't have any.

The mother patiently said, "Missy, we'll be through this
checkout stand in five minutes and then you can go home and
have a bottle and a nice snooze."

The man followed them out to the parking lot and stopped the
woman to compliment her. "I couldn't help noticing how patient
you were with little Missy," he said.

The mother sighed and replied, "Oh, no, my little girl's name
is Francine--I'm Missy."











Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One
lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck on a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the
beach?"

******

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her
hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman
approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be
forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high
wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this
hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the
gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir,
anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat
yesterday!"

*****

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from
their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this
'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'.
'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there - that's all they talk
about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever
have mutual orgasm?"

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said,
"No, I think we had State Farm."

*****

Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home
reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and
demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she
could buy for a penny.

The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger
and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could
buy for a penny a piece.

The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I
remember the guy you're talking about."
















A Mom is driving a little girl to her friends house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?" The mother looks over at
the little girl, "Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age, it
isn't polite." the mother warns. "Ok," the little girl says, "How much do
you weigh?" "Now really," the mother says, "these are personal questions
and are really none of your business." Undaunted, the little girl asks,
"Why did you and daddy get a divorce?" "That is enough questions,
honestly!" The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to
play. "My Mom wouldn't tell me anything," the little girl says to her
friend. "Well," said the friend, "all you need to do is look at her
driver's license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it." Later
that night the little girl says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you
are 32." The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?" "I
also know that you weigh 140 pounds." The mother is past surprise and shock
now. "How in heavens name did you find that out?" The little girl continues
on triumphantly, "And... I know why you and daddy got divorce." "Oh
really?", the mother asks, "Why is that?" To which the girl replies,
"Because you got an F in sex."












A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated
by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees
who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness.

One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his
hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly
exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's ass."
With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his
hand across his head. "You're right," he said, "it does..."











My 7 yr old son asked my why I didn't have a boyfriend. I was
recovering from surgery and spent most of the day in bed. I told
him the TV was my boyfriend, he entertained me all the time.
The TV set was old and would just shut itself off for no reason.
I'd give it a few hard wacks on the side and it would come
back on, it was no big deal to me.
The pastor stopped by to check on my recovery and my son
answered the door.
At that time I was trying to get the TV to come back on. The
pastor asked my son if I was busy. My little one said, "No, sir,
she is just in the bedroom banging her boyfriend.












Man to wife: "Boy, you are getting old, look at all the wrinkles
you are getting!"

Wife: "They aren't wrinkles, they're laugh lines!"

Man: "Nothing is that freakin' funny!!"














She was beautiful, blonde and buxom - a perfect
specimen of womanhood - with a small baby in her
arms.
He was in his first day in private practice,
eager to
show he knew all about everything.

"What's seems to be the problem?", he asked in
his
best medical manner.

"It's the baby", she said, "He seems
under-nourished."

Earnestly the doctor carried out an extensive
examination of the baby and then asked, "Is he
breast-fed?"

"Yes doctor, he is", she replied.

"Will you strip off to the waist now, please?"
the
doctor said.

The young woman looked at the doctor somewhat
anxiously, and began to protest. "But doctor ...
"

The doctor simply brushed her protestations aside
by
saying, "it is better to look at everything ...
so if
you wouldn't mind?"

Blushing with embarrassment, she took off her
blouse
and bra, revealing a perfect pair of large, firm
breasts. The young doctor professionally weighed
each
one in his hands, stroked them forward and back,
and
then gently flicked each nipple in turn for a few

moments, finally lightly squeezing them between
his
fingers and thumb.

Ah!", he said, as his face broke into a knowing
smile. "That's the problem, you do not have one
little
bit of milk!"

"Oh doctor, that's not the problem", she replied,
"I'm
just the babysitter - but it sure has been a REAL
pleasure meeting you!"









Top 30 things You will NEVER Hear A Maritime Boy
Say.....

30. No Sireee, no more for me. I'm driving.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape can't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, screw Pilsner, I'll have
a Heineken.
26. We don't keep loaded firearms in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just
not safe.
23. Wrestling's fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and salad instead of
steak & potatoes.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a damn who won the Grey Cup?
17. I'm voting Liberal this year.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart
today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Way to go Jean! Sign that Kyoto agreement
now!
12. The tires on that truck are too big.
11. I've got it all backed up on the C: drive.
10. I'm gonna buy a Ford Aerostar instead of that
Dodge Diesel 4x4.
9. My fiancee, Rose, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Perrier for the Stanley
Cup.
7. Checkmate.
6. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "The Dukes of
Hazaard" that we haven't seen!
4. I don't really have a favourite CFL team.
3. Peace.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer,
Margaret.

1. Well, let's hire the gay guy!

Today I'm posting something a lttle differant, but it should keep those joke readers coming back. Women and Cobra pictures some nudity involved.
http://www.elams.org/cobraforum/thumbs/Page1.html

Astrological After-sex Comments

Aries: "Okay, let's do it again!"
Taurus: "I'm hungry -- pass the pizza."
Gemini: "Have you seen the remote?"
Cancer: "When are we getting married?"
Leo: "Wasn't I fantastic?"
Virgo: "I need to wash the sheets."
Libra: "I liked it if you liked it."
Scorpio: "Perhaps I should untie you."
Sagittarius: "Don't call me -- I'll call you."
Capricorn: "Do you have a business card?"
Aquarius: "Now let's try it with our clothes off!"
Pisces: "What did you say your name was again?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~












A husband and wife were at a party chatting
with some friends when the subject of
marriage counseling came up.

"Oh, we'll never need that. My husband and
I have a great relationship," the wife explained.
"He was a communications major in college
and I majored in theater arts. He communicates
real well and I just act like I'm listening."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

















30 Things You Shouldn't Say to a Naked Man

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A repairman is walking through a mental institution. He comes up to the first
room and sees a man swinging an imaginary baseball bat. "What the hell are
you doing?" he asks. "I'm Babe Ruth. As soon as I hit a homerun I'm out of
here," replies the man. The repairman wishes him well and continues on his
way.
In the next room, there's a guy swinging an imaginary golf club. "What the
hell are YOU doing?" he asks. "I'm Arnold Palmer. As soon as I make a hole in
one I'm out of here!" replies the man. The repairman shakes his head and
comes up to the next room.
There's a guy sitting naked balancing a peanut on the tip of his dick. "What
the hell are you doing!" he asks. "I'm ****ing nuts, I'm never getting out of
here!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~














Jeni: My ex thought he was really well endowed.

Debi: And was he?

Jeni: PUUULLEEEASE!
He believed those maps that read,
"An inch equals one mile."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An old maid was held up in a dark alley. She explained she had no money, but
the robber insisted that it must be in her bra, or in her panties and started
feeling around.

"I told you I haven't got any money," the spinster said, "but if you keep
doing that, I'll write you a check."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Weird Sex Laws

If a police officer in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho, suspects a couple is having sex
inside a vehicle they must honk their horn three times, and wait two minutes
before being allowed to approach the scene.

Women must address bachelors as master instead of mister, according to an
Illinois state law.>>>When hell freezes over!

A law in Oblong, Illinois makes it a crime to make love while fishing or
hunting on your wedding day.

A law in Fairbanks, Alaska, does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.

In Ventura County, California, cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex
without a permit.

Clinton, Oklahoma, has a law against masturbating while watching two people
having sex in a car.

In Willowdale, Oregon, no man may curse while having sex with his wife.

In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver
inside a toll booth.

Hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, are required by law to furnish their
rooms with twin beds only. There should be a minimum of two feet between the
beds, and it is illegal for a couple to make love on the floor between the
beds.>>>Party poopers!

In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the
city's airport property.

A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man
while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name
will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any
punishment.

No woman may go in public without wearing a corset in Norfolk, Virginia.

In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin
under any circumstances. (including the wedding night)>>>Duh!

The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the
missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.

In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute
on Sunday afternoons.

In Ames Iowa a husband may not take more than three gulps of beer while lying
in bed with his wife.

A law in Alexandria, Minnesota makes it illegal for a husband to make love to
his wife if his breath smells like garlic, onions, or sardines.>>>works for
me!

In Bozeman, Montana, you can't perform any sexual acts in the front yard of
any home, after sundown, and if you are nude.

A Helena, Montana law states that a woman cannot dance on a saloon table
unless her clothing weights more than three pounds, two ounces.

Hotel owners in Hastings, Nebraska are required by law to provide a clean,
white cotton nightshirt to each guest. According to the law, no couple may
have sex unless they are wearing the nightshirts.

Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn
during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner,
New Jersey law.

During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico, no couple should engage in a
sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.

In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.

In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.

In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot of a gun while his female
partner is having a sexual orgasm.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~
You just may be a nymphomaniac if...

. You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.
. You go through a Sealyä Mattress every week.
. Frederick of Hollywood actually comes to your door himself...just to see
where 1/2 of his orders go.
. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
. When they change your area code to 976.
. Tetracycline is your best friend.
. McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".
. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
. When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your door.
. When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.
. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
. When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
. When you're wearing more latex than spandex.
. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
. When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink.
. When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
. The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.
. When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"
. When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
. When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~
















You just may be a nymphomaniac if...

. You become a Vaseline spokesperson.
. Having two tampons in at the same time doesn't bother you.
. You go through a Sealyä Mattress every week.
. Frederick of Hollywood actually comes to your door himself...just to see
where 1/2 of his orders go.
. You have to go across the border for a Pap Smear.
. When they change your area code to 976.
. Tetracycline is your best friend.
. McDonald's calls you "The Happy Meal".
. It takes 2 douches and a spatula at shower time.
. When you've got a "Take a Number" machine at your door.
. When you get hemorrhoids on you shoulders.
. Your day starts and ends by rolling over.
. When the sperm bank calls for remnants.
. When you're wearing more latex than spandex.
. When your ceiling mirrors fog.
. When they install a revolving door at your apartment.
. When the Marine Corps does recruitment outside your door.
. Madonna comes to you for pointers.
. When he doesn't even have to buy you a drink.
. When you have a room key to every hotel in town.
. Motel 6 signals you in with runway lights.
. The only place you haven't had sex is on the moon.
. When a men's prison becomes a vacation "hot spot"
. When it only takes 2 licks to get to the center of a Blow Pop.
. When you and your cat have the same tongue consistency.
. When other women begin to call you "Man's Best Friend".
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You are obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was a cripple."

*Shouldn't a retired military man drive a 'vette?
*Emigrating -- Canada's military strategy to conquer America.
*A book of Military Defeats by Major Disaster and General Mayhem.
*The military mouthwash ~~~> Enlistermint.
---------


*A few distinguished members of last season's Glee Club were
"re-choired" to sing again.
*Sign in a medical waiting room: Patience, Patients.
*Tour the Eternal City: Roam Rome
*Mr. Ed with a cold: Hoarse horse
*Has-been star actor: Idle idol
---------


*A clown is a poet in action.
*A clown without a job is nobody's fool
*I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends
went to the funeral in one car. - Steven Wright
*Lions never eat clowns because they taste funny
*My Career As A Clown - By Abe Ozo
*The circus must be in town. Look at all these CLOWNS
*They laughed at Einstein. They laughed at the Wright Brothers.
But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown. -- Carl Sagan
*You want me to go to college? College? Ha! Barber or Clown?
---------










.
Two guys are drinking at a bar.

The first says "Do you ever start thinking about
something, and when you go to talk, you say
something you don't mean?"

The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport
buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the
counter had these huge tits, and instead of
asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh'
I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh'

The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having
breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of
saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?',
I said 'You've ruined my life you ****ING *****'










Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see
her grandmother in the forest.

Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the
forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf
will catch you and suck your tits dry!"

Little Red started towards her grandmother's
house but decided to take the shortcut through
the forest anyway.

The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn
back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf
finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!"

Little Red was almost there, so she kept going
through the forest.

Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere
and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red
Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!".

"Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she
pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just
like the story says!"














How does Janice like being pregnant?" Bob asked his friend
John.

"Oh, she's not pregnant," John replied, "she's expecting."

"What's the difference?" Bob pressed.

"Well, John explained, "She's expecting me to cook dinner,
she's expecting me to do the housework, she's expecting me
to rub her feet . . ."













Working as a computer instructor for an adult-education
program at a community college, I am keenly aware of the
gap in computer knowledge between my younger and older students.

My observations were confirmed the day a new student walked
into our library area and glanced at the encyclopedia volumes
stacked on a bookshelf.

"What are all these books?" he asked.

Somewhat surprised, I replied that they were encyclopedias.

"Really?" he said. “Someone printed out the whole thing?!?"










A Scotsman, an Italian, and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the
bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Glasgow, there's a better
one. At MacDougal's, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy yir thard
drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, dat's a nica bar, but where I come from, dere s a better one. In Roma,
dere's this place, Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda
drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "You tink dat's great? Where Oi come from in Dublin, dere's dis place called
Morphy's. At Morphy's, they boy you your forst drink dey boy you your second drink, dey boy you your
tird drink, and den, dey take you in de back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," replies the Irish guy, "but it happened to me sister!"



















There was a young man driving his car, when
suddenly he saw a little frog sitting beside
him. The frog began saying to the man "Kiss
me, kiss me"! But the man didn't want to kiss
a frog..

The little creature kept saying to the man
"Kiss me, kiss me" So at last, he accepted
and kissed the frog. And guess what the frog
turned into??

A very beautiful lady.

Now, the man began saying to the lady "Kiss me,
kiss me"... but the lady didn't want to kiss
the man. At last she accepted and kissed the
man...And guess what the man turned into??

The next motel!!!!











Do you realize that the only time in our lives when
we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less
than ten years old, you're so excited about aging that
you think in fractions.

"How old are you?"
"I'm four and a half."
You're never 36 and a half ....You're four and a half
going on 5.

You get into your teens; now they can't hold you back.
You jump to the next number. "How old are you?"
"I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're
gonna be 16. Eventually.

Then the great day of your life; you become 21.
Even the words sound like a ceremony.
You BECOME 21....Yes!!

Then you turn 30. What happened there? Makes you sound
like bad milk. He TURNED; we had to throw him out.
What's wrong? What changed? You BECOME 21; you TURN 30.

Then you're PUSHING 40....stay over there. You REACH 50.

You BECOME 21; you TURN 30; You're PUSHING 40; you
REACH 50; then you MAKE IT to 60.

By then you've built up so much speed, you HIT 70.
After that, it's a day by day thing. You HIT
Wednesday...

You get into your 80's; you HIT lunch, you HIT 4:30. My
Grandmother won't even buy green bananas. "Well, it's
an investment, you know, and maybe a bad one."

And it doesn't end there....

Into the 90's, you start going backwards. "I was JUST 92."

Then a strange thing happens; if you make it over 100,
you become a little kid again. "I'm 100 and a half."




**) **) **) **) :LOL: :LOL: :JEKYLHYDE :JEKYLHYDE :3DSMILE: :3DSMILE:

A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean? I'm fine."
"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "we were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg, but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
"Oh yeah? Well, what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well, we were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off, but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and I feel great, really."
"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, " you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird crap!"
"It was my first day with the hook."

:LOL:

Lovemaking Tips For Older Persons

1. Put bi-focals on ... double check that you're with the right
***** partner.


2. Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes...* in case you doze off in
***** the middle.


3. Set the mood with lighting ...* turn them ALL OFF!


4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.


*5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to
***** scream out at the end.


6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the
***** bed.



7. Have heating pads, tylenol, splints and crutches ready in case you
***** actually complete the act.

















When You're Cheating...and When You're not.


Some ground rules to help people determine if the sex counted. This list
of rules can also be very helpful to determine if you have cheated on
your spouse or significant other.

1.* Oral Sex does not count.

2.* If you can't remember the person's name the following day, doesn't
count

3.* If you failed to call the person back to have more sex,
*** doesn't count

4.* If neither of you achieved orgasm, doesn't count

5.* Sex with a friend, doesn't count, it's just another thing you share

6.* If the act was so lame, you leave thinking "did I shave my legs for
this", doesn't count

7.* An old flame, doesn't count

8.* An ex-spouse, doesn't count ,refer to this as a "pity ****"

9.* Masturbating in front of someone while they do the same, sorry, not
sex...not cheating

10.* Cyber-sex - NO WAY - this is glorified masturbation

11.* Two heterosexual women having fun, not sex

12.* Kissing body parts is not cheating

13.* An act to make a married person feel good about themselves, not sex,
BUT only if you do not know their significant other

14.* An act committed while you were intoxicated, doesn't count

15.* An act committed with a family member of your significant other,
doesn't count, this should be referred to as "a skeleton in the family
closet "...not cheating

16.* Acts committed in a public place, doesn't count (why should it, it
was public right?)

17.* Phone sex, doesn't count, refer back to "glorified masturbation"

18.* In car, doesn't count, way to cramped, if vehicle is in motion and
has a console or stick shift, this counts, way to kinky and erotic not to
count, unless the act was totally oral, then refer back to rule #1

19.* An act committed in which the female of the encounter did not
achieve total satisfaction (orgasm), doesn't count

20.* An act committed in which total bodily fluids have not been
exchanged (pull 'n pray method of birth control) doesn't count

21.* An act in which no kissing takes place, doesn't count
** (not considered to be intimate)...not cheating

22.* Any act in which "you do all the work", doesn't count

23.* An act committed with your next door neighbor, doesn't count, this
should be referred to as "being neighborly"

24.* Any act committed with an acquaintance because you are
*** angry with your significant other doesn't count

25.* An act which only happens on a random basis, doesn't count, this
should be considered " getting aquainted ".

26. An act with a US President , doen't count, unless the Senate votes
impeachment.

27. Any act with your boss, doesn't count, just considered career
enhancement; and/or additional employee benefits.

** SEX does count if a pregnancy, or a social disease results!

INEXPERIENCED CHILI TASTER:
 

Notes From An Inexperienced Chili Tester Named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast :
"Recently, I was honored to be selected
as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the beer wagon, when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event:
__________________________________________________ _______
CHILI # 1 MIKE'S MANIAC MOBSTER MONSTER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
FRANK: Holy ****, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
__________________________________________________ ______
CHILI # 2 ARTHUR'S AFTERBURNER CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Smokey, with a hint of pork. Light Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
FRANK: Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to
give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they
saw the look on my face.
__________________________________________________ _______
CHILI # 3 FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
FRANK: Call the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now get me more
beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone
is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting sh!t-faced from all the beer.
__________________________________________________ _____
CHILI # 4 BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burnout taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills; that 300 lb. chick is starting
to look HOT just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?
__________________________________________________ ___
CHILI # 5 LINDA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very Impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit
the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
__________________________________________________ _____
CHILI # 6 VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb!
FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I **** in my pants when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!
__________________________________________________
CHILI # 7 SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a damn thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like **** to match my damn shirt.
At least during the autopsy they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
breathing; it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Call an ambulance...
:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:

Ever wonder why A,B,C,D,E and F are used to define Bra sizes?

Well now you do.
A Almost Boobs
B Barely There
C Can Do
D Damn Good
E ENORMOUS
F Fake





A man and his wife were talking and he says, You know, I was thinking
of going down to the bar tonight and entering that big-dick contest.
Oh honey, she exclaims, I don't want you taking that out in public!
But sweet thing, he says, the prize is $100.
I don't care, she says I don't want you showing that thing to
everybody.

So he lets the subject drop until the following night when his wife
walks in on him in the bedroom, counting out a hundred dollars.
Did you go down and enter that big-dick contest last night after I told
you not to?

Please forgive me, sweetheart. He says.
You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see? she says, tears
welling up in her eyes.
The man looks at her fondly and says, Only enough to win.









Coop and Ms Jackson were talking one day when Coop says, "I went to see the
doctor the other day for that pain in my back."

"So what happened?" Ms Jackson asked.

"Well, he ran a bunch of tests, gave me some pills and sent me home. Told me
to stay in bed for a week. He also told me to sit down whenever I had to pee.
Can you imagine that ... A grown man having to sit to pee?"

"Why would he want you to sit to piss?" asked Ms Jackson.

"Well", said Coop , "With my bad back, he doesn't want me picking up anything
too big."






*The Ideal Wife*
The Ideal Wife should be beautiful,
but not so beautiful that people think
you married her only for her beauty.

And The Ideal Wife should be wealthy,
but not so wealthy that people think
you married her only for her money.

And The Ideal Wife should be gentle,
but not so gentle that she can't
suck a tennis ball through a fifty-foot garden hose.









DO YOU??


A woman was shaking out a rug on
the balcony of her 17th floor condominium
when a sudden gust of wind blew her over
the railing.
"Damn, that was stupid," she thought
as she fell. "What a way to die."

As she passed the 14th floor, a man
standing at his railing caught her in
his arms. While she looked at him in
disbelieving gratitude, he asked,
"Do you suck?"
"No!" she shrieked, aghast.

So, he dropped her. As she passed the
12th floor, another man reached out
and caught her.

"Do you screw?" he asked.
"Of course not!" she exclaimed before
she could stop herself. He dropped her, too.
The poor woman prayed to God for one
more chance. As luck would have it,
she was caught a third time, by a man
on the eighth floor.
"I suck! I screw!" she screamed in panic.
"Slut!" he said, and dropped her.














The Cabbie

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off
his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket -- If
he could just get to the airport he could get himself home. So he went out to the front of
the casino where there was a cab waiting.

He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money
from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his
address, etc, but to no avail. The cabbie said (adopt appropriate dialect), "If you don't
have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!" So the businessman was forced to
hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.

One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial
success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself,
he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but his old buddy who
had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck. The businessman thought
for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a
plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line, "How much for a ride to the airport," he
asked? "Fifteen bucks," came the reply. "And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?" "What?!
Get the hell out of my cab." The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the
same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked "How much for a ride to the airport?"
The cabbie replied "fifteen bucks." The businessman said "ok" and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly
past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each driver.











The day I got married was really embarrassing. When the minister said, "If anyone present doesn't agree with
this marriage; speak now or forever hold your peace," I turned around and noticed her family had formed a
double line.

Little Mary was supposed to bring fifty cents to school for a workbook, so she went to ask her father for it. She found him in the bathroom, stark naked, and in the excitement she forgot all about the fifty cents and asked, "Daddy, What's THAT ?"
Her dad said "That's what I call 'a shame'."
Next day at school, when the teacher asked for the fifty cents, Little Mary said, "Daddy couldn't give me fifty cents because he wasn't wearing his pants."
The teacher replied, "Doesn't your father have any shame at all?"
Little Mary said, "Oh, yes, ma'am, he has one, but it's not as big as the one the principal gave you last Thursday."

True But Strange Sex Facts
Largest erect penis: 13"
Smallest erect: 1.75"







The Caramoja tribe of northern Uganda tie a weight the end of their penises
to enlongate them sometimes to such a degree that the men literally have to
knot them up.

In 1609 a doctor named Wecker found a corpse in Bologna with 2 penises. Since
then, there have been 80 documented cases of men w/ the same.

During foreplay, a woman's breast can increase in up to 25%.

The maximum depth at which vaginal stimulation occurs is only 2".

In the 1950s, it was found out that 75% of men cum within 2 minutes of
penetration, with the orgasm lasting no longer than a few seconds. The
longest documented for a women is one minute.

Among the Mangaians of Polynesia, 18 year old couples make love an average of
3 times a night, every night, until they're in their 30s, when the weekly
average drops to a mere 14.

The maximum speed at which the erotic sensations travel from the skin to the
brain has been clocked 156 MPH.

Women are 30% more sexually active during a full moon, and the most common
love making time in the US is 11:00pm.

Intercourse peaks in July.

Except for the 1/2 dozon men who've shown up in emergency rooms over the
years because they got too intimate with a vacuum cleaner, women are the more
creative auto-eroticists, and they masturbate most frequently when in a
stable relationship.

Women are also better self-starters. 60% claiming to have discovered orgasm
on their own, as opposed to only 25% of men.

Castrated men live an average of 13 years longer than those not castrated.
And nuns live longest of all.







~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
How Is Sex Like Riding A Bicycle?
1. You have to keep pumping if you want to get anywhere.

2. It's best to wear protective head-gear when going into unfamiliar
territory.

3. You can do it with no hands, but it's best not to try it until you have a
lot of experience.

4. It's easier to learn with the help of someone who has a lot of experience.

5. You can do it by yourself, but it's usually not as much fun.

6. It's usually hard to control your speed the first few times you try.

7. It's best to have a soft place to land.

8. You don't need any special clothing, but you can get some if you are
really into it.

9. If you're with someone who is having trouble keeping up, it's usually best
to slow down and wait for them.

10. Most people think it looks easy until they try it for the first time.

11. Once you learn, you never forget how.

12. If you fall off get right back on.

13. If you get a flat, try pumping it back up.

14. Remember to signal before you change direction.

15. Make sure that you've got a firm grip.

16. Sometimes it's nice to have a cushy seat.

17. Once you're over the top, you can just coast the rest of the way.

18. That's why some of them are called Mountin'Bikes.









SURVEY
1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:
a) lovemaking
b) screwing
c) the pigskin bus pulling into tuna town
2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you've
both shared:
a) your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) your blood-test results
c) five tequila slammers
3. You time your orgasm so that:
a) your partner climaxes first
b) you both climax simultaneously
c) you don't miss Sportscenter
4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) healthy, creative love-play
b) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out
about
5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had sex with
is:
a) the best part of the experience
b) the second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra
6. Your girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in weight in the last
month. You tell her that is:
a) No concern of yours
b) not a problem, she can join your gym
c) a conservative estimate
7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
a) a myth
b) an oxymoron
c) a moron
8. Foreplay is to sex as:
a) appetizer is to entree
b) primer is to paint
c) a line is to an amusement park ride
9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying
at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends,"
b) "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep,"
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville, population, Y-O-U."
10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
a) probably needs a little more time before she can cope
with that sort of intimacy
b) is uptight and a waste of time
c) shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place
As always, the answers are at the bottom!

If you answered "a" more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure
you really are a man.
If you answered "b" more than seven times, check into therapy, you're
still a little confused.
If you answered "c" more than 7 times, "YOU-DA-MAN!"










Some Less Commonly Known Phobias

Acrorectophobia: The fear of assholes in high places.
Amathophobia: The fear of dust.
Anananany: The inability to stop spelling 'banana' once you've started.

Anatidaephobia: The fear that wherever you are, a duck is watching!
Androphobia: The fear of men.
Angoraphobia: The fear of soft sweaters and rabbits.
Anthropophobia: The fear of human beings.
Archibutyrophobia: The fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of
your mouth.
Eonaphobics: The fear of transvestites.
Friendorphobia: The fear of being asked "Who goes there?"
Friggaphobics: People who fear Fridays.
Genuphobia: The fear of knees.
Graphophobia: The fear of writing.
Heortophobia: The fear of holidays.
Iophobia: The fear of rust.
Katagelophobia: The fear of ridicule.
Lyssophobia: The fear of insanity.
Peniaphobia: The fear of poverty.
Phobaphobia: The fear of fear itself.
Phobia: What you have left over after you drink two out of a 6-pack.
Phronemophobia: The fear of thinking.
Pognophobia: The fear of beards.
Quadriphobia: The fear of 4-way stops and not knowing who goes next.










The invention of the Internet has provided man with a new,
powerful tool for world change and affectation,
but if there is one thing I've learned, it's that mankind's greatest
dream is not to solve world hunger or cure the common cold;
it is to search the Net for naked chicks!!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~

Jewish men are the most confident in the world. - They cut the ends off their
dicks before they know how long they will grow!








GOOD, BAD, NAUGHTY

Good girls loosen a few buttons when its hot
Bad girls make it hot by loosening a few buttons
Naughty girls unbutton your pants
*
Good girls wax their floors
Bad girls wax their bikini line
Naughty girls wax your nutsack
*
Good girls blush during sex scenes in movies
Bad girls know they could do it better
Naughty girls do it with whips and chains
*
Good girls wear white cotton panties
Bad girls don't wear any
Naughty girls don't really give a ****
*
Good girls think they're not fully dressed without a strand of pearls
Bad girls think they're fully dressed with just a strand of pearls
Naughty girls want a "pearl necklace "
*
Good girls pack their toothbrush
Bad girls pack their diaphragms
Naughty girls pack their dildos
*
Good girls own only one credit card and rarely use it
Bad girls own only one bra and rarely use it
Naughty girls own the entire Fantasia collection
*
Good girls wear high heels to work
Bad girls wear high heels to bed
Naughty girls make you wear high heels
*
Good girls think the office is the wrong place to have a romance
Bad girls think no place is the wrong place
Naughty girls have sex all over the place
*
Good girls prefer the missionary position
Bad girls do too, but only for starters
Naughty girls add some new chapters in the Kama Sutra
*
Good girls say no
Bad girls say when?
Naughty girls don't say anything, they just moan and scream a lot.
*
Good girls go to the party, go home, then go to bed.
Bad girls go to the party, go to bed and then go home.
Naughty girls go to the party, hit on every guy there and then
go home with two of them.











DEGREES OF BLONDE

FIRST DEGREE

A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The
wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said,
"How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman
wanting to know if the coast is clear."


SECOND DEGREE

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the
sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and
says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her
the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's
me!"


THIRD DEGREE

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys
a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door
she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.
She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome
with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend
yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're
next!"


FOURTH DEGREE

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly
says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's
the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."


FIFTH DEGREE

Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US
government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade
was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the
decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delawa














Obtainable Affirmations


1. As I let go of my feelings of guilt,
I am in touch with my inner sociopath.

2. I have the power to channel my
imagination into ever-soaring levels
of suspicion and paranoia.

3. I assume full responsibility for my
actions, except the ones that are
someone else's fault.

4. I no longer need to punish, deceive,
or compromise myself, unless I want to
stay employed.

5. In some cultures what I do would
be considered normal.

6. Having control over myself is almost
as good as having control over others.

7. My intuition nearly makes up for my
lack of self-judgment.

8. I honor my personality flaws for
without them I would have no
personality at all.

9. I am grateful that I am not as judgmental
as all those censorious, self-righteous people
around me.

10. I am willing to make the mistakes if
someone else is willing to learn from them.

Now there, don't we all feel better?
You may continue your day.

















What I've Learned From Watching Porn

1. Women wear high heels to bed.

2. Men are never impotent.

3. When going down on a woman 10 seconds is more than satisfactory.

4. If a woman gets busted masturbating by a strange man, she will not scream
with embarrassment, but rather insist he have sex with her.

5. Women smile appreciatively when men splat them in the face with sperm.

6. Women enjoy having sex with ugly, middle-aged men.

7. Women moan uncontrollably when giving a blowjob.

8. Women always orgasm when men do.

9. A blowjob will always get a woman off a speeding ticket.

10. All women are noisy ****s.

11. People in the 70s couldn't **** unless there was a wild guitar solo in
the background.

12. Those tits are real.

13. A common and enjoyable sexual practice for a man is to take his
half-erect penis and slap it repeatedly on a woman's butt.

14. Men always groan "OH YEAH!" when they cum.

15. If there is two of them they "high five" each other. (and the girl isn't
disgusted!)

16. Double penetration makes women smile.

17. Asian men don't exist.

18. If you come across a guy and his girlfriend having sex in the bushes, the
boyfriend won't bash seven shades of **** out of you if you shove your cock
in his girlfriend's mouth.

19. There's a plot.

20. When taking a woman from behind, a man can really excite a woman by
giving her a gentle slap on the butt.

21. Nurses suck patient's cocks.

22. Men always pull out.

23. When your girlfriend busts you getting head from her best friend, she'll
only be momentarily pissed off before ****ing the both of you.

24. Women never have headaches... or periods.

25. When a woman is sucking a man's cock, it's important for him to remind
her to "suck it".

26. Assholes are clean.

27. A man ejaculating on a woman's butt is a satisfying result for all
parties concerned.

28. Women always look pleasantly surprised when they open a man's trousers
and find a cock there.

29. Men don't have to beg.

30. When standing during a blowjob, a man will always place one hand firmly
on the back of the kneeling woman's head and the other proudly on his hip.









Lovemaking Tips For Older Persons

1. Put bi-focals on ... double check that you're with the right partner.

2. Set alarm on your clock for 2 minutes... in case you doze off in the
middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting ... turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember what to
scream out at the end.

6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.

7. Have heating pads, tylenol, splints and crutches ready in case you
actually complete the act.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When you think about the differences between work and prison, maybe prison isn't so bad...

IN PRISON.......You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.......You get three meals a day.
AT WORK........You get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.......You get time off for good behaviour.
AT WORK........You get rewarded for good behaviour with more work.

IN PRISON.......A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK........You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON........You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.........You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.......You get your own toilet.
AT WORK........You have to share.

IN PRISON.......They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK........You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.......All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK........You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from you salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.......You spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK........You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON......There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.......They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.......You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes.
AT WORK........You get fired if you get caught.
NOW GET BACK TO WORK!

Q:What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of an ugly man?
A: A tattoo.

Q:Why is it a man's pee is yellow & his sperm white?
A:So he can tell if he is coming or going.

Q: How do you cancel an appointment at the sperm bank?
A: You call them up and tell them you can't cum

Q.What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A.He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.



**) *:LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: **) **)


The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your
Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were
willing
to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied he harangued for another twenty minutes and
repeated his question. This time he received a response of about 80
percent.. Still unsatisfied, he lectured for another 15 minutes and
repeated
his question.
With all thoughts now on Sunday dinner, all responded except
one elderly lady in the rear. "Mrs. Jones, are you not willing to
forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any."
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-three."
"Mrs. Jones, please come down in front and tell the
congregation how a person can live to be ninety-three,
and not have an enemy in the world."
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle,
very slowly turned around and said: "It's easy,
I just outlived the *****es."







**) **) **) **)








45 THINGS SHE WISHES
YOU KNEW
Universal truths that all men
should--but don't--understand

1. Saying "I love you" immediately before, during, or following sex doesn't
count.
2. Real men drive stick shift.
3. I will leave if you lie.
4. You are cute in raglan-sleeved T-shirts (two-toned baseball undershirts).
5. I'm convinced I'm pregnant and obsess about it for a minimum of 24 to 48
hours before my period, even when I have no rational reason to think so.
6. I love it when you hug me from behind and whisper in my ear.
7. "Fine" is never an appropriate response when I ask you how I look.
8. Most of the time when I fantasize, it's about you.
9. I'm terrified of becoming my mother, even though I admire her.
10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you.
11. I expect you to call me.
12. Only rock stars are allowed to wear leather pants.
13. I'm scared of losing my independence.
14. I'm more forgiving of you than I really should be.
15. You did something bad. I seem cool with it. I'm not. (See directly
above.)
16. Shoes determine whether you're fashionable or not.
17. I own a Debbie Gibson CD, and I'm not afraid to use it.
18. When I compare my flabby tummy to a kangaroo pouch, say nothing.
19. A man I love plans the occasional fancy-schmancy dress-up date and
impromptu weekend getaways, and he buys my favorite candy in advance when
we're just going to the movies.
20. You look hot in hooded clothing items.
21. You should never tell me what to do.
22. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast.
23. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes.
24. I'm very impressed when you ask for my advice.
25. I'm unimpressed with a man who doesn't take the lead.
26. When in doubt, go with the shirt that matches your eye color.
27. I want to be Madonna.
28. I'm in heaven when you hold my hand.
29. You're sexy when you're shaving, fixing things, wearing a white T-shirt
and jeans, driving, eating a peach, holding a baby.
30. I need to hear how you feel about me. Often. Tell me now.
31. Surprises, especially gifts for moi = more loving.
32. I want to be the best thing that ever happened to you--and for you to
recognize this.
33. If I'm not feeling loved, I will start looking....
34. Discussion of ex-gf's and ex-bf's should be avoided at all times.
35. I like it when you tell me what you're thinking, even if you don't know
yourself.
36. Celebrating our anniversary, even if it's only been a few months, earns
major bonus points.
37. I love it when you're sweaty.
38. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas.
39. A lady should always be greeted with kisses.
40. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands.
41. Even nice girls like hushed dirty talk in public.
42. It's cheating as soon as you're doing something with her that you
wouldn't want me to see, hear, read...
43. For the record: I'd rather you break up with me than cheat.
44. I remember everything about our relationship.
45. You should know all this and more without my telling you.

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave.
The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating,"Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?, Why did you have to die?
The first man approached him and said," Sir I don't wish to interfere with your private grief , but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before For whom do you mourn so
deeply ? A child ? A parent ? \
The mourner took a moment to collect himself , then replied ," My wifes first husband".









:3DSMILE: :3DSMILE: :3DSMILE:

PERSONAL ADS DECODER

MEN'S ADS
40-ish.............. 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic............ Watches a lot of NASCAR
Good looking........ Arrogant
Very good looking... Dumb as a board
Honest.............. Pathological Liar
Likes to cuddle..... Insecure Mama's boy
Mature.............. Older than your father
Physically fit...... Does a lot of 12-ounce curls
Very sensitive...... Gay
Thoughtful.......... Says "Excuse me" when he farts


WOMEN'S ADS
40-ish.............. 49
Adventurer.......... Slept with all your friends
Athletic............ No chest
Average looking..... Has a face like a basset hound
Beautiful........... Pathological liar
Emotionally Secure.. Medicated
Fun................. Annoying
Gentle.............. Comatose
Outgoing............ Loud and Embarrassing
Passionate.......... Sloppy drunk











Guy #1: "You'll never believe this. If you play an AOL 7.0
CD backwards you can hear all kinds of evil and satanic
messages!"

Guy #2: "That's nothing--if you play it forwards, it installs
AOL."



"Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?"
---Homer Simpson


**) **) **) **)

The humor links that follow contain ADULT jokes. There is explicit language and some links to graphics that might be offensive. If you are bothered by that type of humor or graphics then please do not click on the link.
Dan & Daniel

A PROCRASTINATOR'S CREED.....

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my
obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.

8. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

9. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

10. I will never put off tomorrow, what I can forget about forever. **) **) **) **)















An Australian woman was having a shower and slipped over on the
bathroom
floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped
over, did the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Jacko.
"Jacko! Jacko!" she yelled.
Jacko came running in.
"Jacko, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.
"Strewth!" Jacko said and tried to pull her up.
"You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey"
(his mate).
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way. We can't do it" Bluey said "Lets try Plan C"
"Plan C?" exclaimed Jacko. "What's that"?
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles
under her"
"Spot on" Jacko said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and
play
with her tits"
"Play with her tits"? Bluey said, "Why the hell would you want to do
that"?
Jacko replied "Well, I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can
slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive":LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL: :LOL:
















Two matronly sisters lived together and managed a farm. For years both
had an extreme fear of thunder storms and lightning.

One day one of the sisters was visiting a neighbor, and while walking
home was caught in a severe thunder storm. Lightning was streaking
across the sky and thunder was booming all around. Being totally
terrified, she ran to a nearby haystack and buried her head in the hay
like an ostrich, so she could not see the lightning or hear the thunder.

With her head buried in the hay, her rear end was exposed, and the wind
blew her dress up exposing the long unused part of her anatomy.

Along comes the local stud, and seeing the poor souls predicament, he
did the only thing a well endowed stud would do in such a situation.
After fully satisfying himself he zipped his pants and went on his merry
way.

Soon the sister pulled her head out of the haystack and rushed home,
calling to her sister, "Sissy, Sissy, let me tell you something! If you
ever get struck by lightning, you'll never be afraid again!!!!!!":3DSMILE: :3DSMILE: :3DSMILE: :3DSMILE:
















A plumber, an electrician, a dentist and a programmer.

A plumber, an electrician, a dentist and a programmer are fast friends: buddies for life,
eternal bachelors.. until the programmer announces he is getting married.

Never ones to pass up a golden opportunity, the three compadres find out the name and
location of the hotel where the programmer will be honeymooning, and bribe the desk
clerk to let them in to rig a few 'welcome' surprises.

A week after returning from the honeymoon, the programmer meets his buddies in a bar
for drinks, and half-heartedly chuckles with them over the gags.

Pointing to the plumber, he comments "Yeah, the drippy faucet you couldn't turn off was a
neat trick."

And to the electrician: "And a flickering table lamp with no off switch was cute, too."

Then, shaking a fist at the dentist "But, you! YOU! Novocain in the Vaseline was one
cheap shot!"















Insult of the day:

The proctologist called, they found your head.