(smirk, offense=muslims, forwarded)




To ensure we Americans never offend anyone--particularly fanatics intent on killing us--airport screeners are not allowed to profile people. They will, however, continue to perform random searches of 80-year-old women, little kids, airline pilots with proper identification, Secret Service agents who are members of the President's security detail, and 85-year old Congressmen with metal hips.
Let's pause a moment and take the following test...


In 1972, 11 Israeli athletes were killed at the Munich Olympics by:
(a) Grandma Moses;
(b) The night cleaning crew at Rockefeller Center;
(c) Invaders from Mars; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.


In 1979, the U.S. embassy in Iran was taken over by:
(a) Norwegians from the Lichen Herbarium of the University of Oslo;
(b) Elvis;
(c) A tour bus full of 80-year-old women; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.


In 1983, the U.S. Marine barracks in Beirut was blown up by:
(a) A pizza delivery boy;
(b) Crazed feminists complaining that having to throw a grenade
beyond its own burst radius in basic training was an unfair and
sexist job requirement;
(c) Geraldo Rivera making up for a slow news day; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.


In 1988, Pan Am Flight 103 was bombed by:
(a) Luca Brazzi, for not being given a part in "Godfather 2";
(b) The Tooth Fairy;
(c) Butch and Sundance, who had a few sticks of dynamite left over
from their train mission; or,
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.


In 1993, the World Trade Center was bombed by:
(a) The entire cast of "Cats";
(b) Martha Stewart;
(c) Cheese-crazed tourists from Wisconsin; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.


In 1998, the U.S. embassies in Kenya and Tanzania a were bombed by:
(a) Mr. Rogers;
(b) Hillary, to distract attention from Wild Bill's women problems;
(c) The World Wrestling Federation to promote its next villain:
"Mustapha the Merciless"; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.


On 9/11/01, four airliners were hijacked and destroyed by:
(a) Bugs Bunny, Wil E. Coyote, Daffy Duck, and Elmer Fudd.
(b) The US Supreme Court,
(c) Barney; or
(d) Muslim male extremists mostly between the ages of 17 and 40.




Hmmm...nope, ain't no patterns here. Darned if I know why we should ever even think about profiling.

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he asks says that she is the pharmacist and that she and her
sister own the store, so there are no male pharmacists employed
there. She asks if there is something that she can help the gentleman with.

The man says that it is something that he would be much more comfortable
discussing with a male pharmacist. The female pharmacist assures him that she is completely professional and whatever it is that he needs to discuss, he can be confident that she will treat him with the highest level of professionalism and
dignity.

The man agrees and says, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have
a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe
embarrassment. So I was wondering what you could give me for it?" The
pharmacist says, "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister."

When she returns, she says, "We discussed it at length and the absolute best we
can do is 1/3 ownership in the store, a company car, and $3000 a month living expenses.

$5.00
 

Every morning, Bill Clinton would take a jog
near his home in NY State.

And on each run, he happened to jog past a
prostitute standing on the same street corner,
day after day. Apprehensive, he would brace
himself as he approached her for what was most
certainly about to follow.

"Fifty dollars! " she would shout from the curb.

"No. Five dollars!"fired back Clinton. This
ritual between the ex-prez and the hooker
continued for several days. He'd run by. She'd
holler, "Fifty dollars"

He'd yell back, "Five dollars! "

One day, Hillary decided that she wanted to
accompany her husband on his jog. As the
jogging couple neared the now infamous street
corner, Bill suddenly realized the "pro" would
bark her $50 offer for all to hear (including
Hillary) and he would have to come up with a
very good explanation for his wife, the junior
Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take
them past her, Bill became overcome with
anxiety on how to handle the situation.

Sure enough there she was standing where she
always did. Bill tried to evade the
streetwalker's eyes as she looked up at the
jogging executives.

Then from the sidewalk, she yelled to Bill:
"Is that what you get for five bucks?"

In life there are two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick.
If you are well then there is nothing to worry about, but if you are sick there are only two things to worry about: either you get well or you die.
If you get well then there is nothing to worry about. But if you die there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell.
If you go to heaven then there is nothing to worry about. But if you go to hell, you'll be so damn busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry.

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little
more than 500 employees
and has the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2
businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year
Can you guess which
organization this is?

Give up yet?







It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.

The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each
year designed to keep
the rest of us in line.

Trees
 

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree
begins to grow between them. The beech says to the birch:

"Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell.

Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is
a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree.

He replies: "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is,
however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in.

An Old Fable
 

CLASSIC VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MODERN VERSION:

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.
The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit, the Frog, appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when they sing "It's Not Easy Being Green."

Jesse Jackson stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house, where the news stations film the group singing "We Shall Overcome."

Al Gore exclaims in an interview with Peter Jennings that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his "fair share".

Finally, the EEOC drafts the Economic Equity and Anti-GrasshopperAct, retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

Hillary Clinton gets her old law firm to represent the grasshopper in a defamation suit against the ant, and the case is tried before a panel of federal judges that Bill Clinton appointed from a list of single-parentwelfare recipients. The ant loses the case.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which just happen to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him because he doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow.

The grasshopper is found dead in a drug related incident and the house,now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who terrorize the once-peaceful neighborhood.

"Just a thought to ponder."

The Hotel Bill
 

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to
Boston. They're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop
for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room,
but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get
back on the road. When they check out four hours later,
the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is
so high.He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel,
the rooms certainly aren't worth $350.
When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate,
the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to the
man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-
sized pool and a huge conference center that were
available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them", the man complains.
"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in
one of the shows for which the hotel is famous.
"The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood
and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.
"But we didn't go to any of those shows,"
complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies.
No matter what facility the Manager mentions,
the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up
and agrees to pay. He writes a Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.
"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for
sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have."

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in.

The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a turkey hunter and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out chasing turkeys up and down the mountains."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive?

How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he hunted turkey with me this morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a turkey hunter."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather' still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went turkey hunting with you this morning too."

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

A golfer in Ireland hit a bad hook into the woods.
Looking for the
ball, he discovered a Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head,
and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer took his water
bottle
from his belt and poured it over the little green guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! Wha happen?" the leprechaun says. "Oh, I see. Waal, ye got me
fair and square. Ye get three wishes. Whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't
want anything. I'm glad you're okay, and I apologize. I didn't mean to hit
you." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the leprechaun says to himself. "But it was fair and
square that he got me, and I have to do something for him.! I'll give him
three things I would want --- a great golf game, all the money he ever
needs,
and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in jokes like this) and the golfer is back,
hits another bad ball into the woods and finds the leprechaun waiting for
him. "'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I
wanted to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"That's the first bad ball I've hit in a year! I'm a famous
international golfer now," the golfer answers. "By the way, it's good to see
you're all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thakee. I did that fer yer golf game. And tell me,
how's yer money?"

"Why, I win fortunes in golf. But if I need cash, I just reach in my
pocket and pull out $100 bills all day long."

" I did that fer ye. And how's yer sex life?"

"The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly,
"Errr, all right, I suppose."

"C'mon, c'mon now. I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a
day?" Blushing even more, the golfer whispers, "Once -sometimes twice a
week."

"What!" says the leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Once or twice a
week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not too bad for a Catholic
priest in a small parish."

My boyfriend and I were at my daughter's volleyball game when we noticed an adult couple in the bleachers.
They were being VERY affectionate.
She was running her hands all over him and nibbling on his ear. He had his hands on her chest.
I said to my boyfriend, "I don't know whether to watch them or the game."
He said, "Watch THEM ! You already KNOW how to play volleyball."

Teaching Math in 1950's:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960's:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970's:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980's:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990's:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Match in 2000's:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit margin is $60?

Unions
 

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas
and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby.
When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry, it isn't."
"Well, if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80.00 and the girls get $20.00."
Mightily offended at such unfair dealings, the man stomped off down the
street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop.
His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam
responded, "Why yes sir, this IS a Union House."
The man asked, "And if I pay you $100.00, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80.00 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!!!" the Teamster said. He handed the Madam $100.00,
looked around the room and pointed to a stunningly attractive blonde.
"I'd like her for the night."
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam, then gesturing to an 85-year-old
woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has seniority."

Things I've learned
 

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes
suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After
that, you'd better have a big willy or huge boobs.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more
screwed up than you think.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're
finished.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are
celebrities.
I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at
first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its
place.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working in your
house, one of your kids did it.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you
too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned to say "F--- 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

Dan's Joke Of The Day
 

A boy is at school and he hears the older kids talking about puss*, and their bitc*. The boy confused by this goes to his mother. "Mom", the boy asks, "What's a puss*?"
The mother being startled by this thinks quick and finds the closest dictionary and opens it up to a picture of a cat and says "Son, that is a puss*."
the son then asks "What's a bitc*?"
The mother again thinking quickly opens to a picture of a dog and says "Son, this is a bitc*."
The son walks away still confused, and sees his father watching television. The son walks up to his father and says "Dad, what's a puss*?"
The father doesn't want to miss the baseball game so he quickly whips out his Penthouse magazine to the centerfold, grabs a marker and draws a circle around the vagina and says "Son, this is a puss*!"
The son, now starting to understand what the older boys are talking about asks "Then, what is a bitc*?"
The dad replies, "That's everything outside the circle!"

Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened
to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front
porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on
the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner
passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts..
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him......Take me.... young man... Take me!"
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. He just yelled, "April Fool!!"...

And that's when I shot the Son Of A *****!

A young white trash couple are having sex in a muddy corn field
one evening. The fellow asks, "Honey, could you check to see
if it's in you or if it's in the mud???" She reaches down and
checks. "It's in the mud," she tells him. "Well,... could you
put it back in???" She puts it back in and they continue having
sex for a while before he asks again, "Honey, could you check to
see if it's in you or if it's in the mud???" She checks again
and says, "It's still in me, big fella!!!"

"Ummm,... could you put it back in the mud, please???"

For Jamo

A ventriloquist is on his way cross country for his big debut in Las Vegas. It's been a few days since he has practiced.
Somewhere in New Mexico alongside the highway he spots a sheepherder. Thinks to himself think I'll try here. Pulls off the road and drives up to the sheepherders wagon.
There's a horse tethered to the wheel and a dog sitting near by.
As soon as he pulled up to the wagon the sheepherder steeped out.
"what you want?"
"nothing really my friend. Just wanted to stretch my legs and talk a bit"
"Don't much like talking"
"Ok, then do you mind if I talk to your horse and dog?"
Looking at the man like he was nuts the sheepherder says "Man they don't talk."
"well can I try?"
"Hokay, but they don't talk"
The ventriloquist then talks to the horse
"so how's it going ?"
The horse answers "not so well, that big dude on the steps, he climbs on my back every day and makes me carry him all over the damn place, it's hot , I'm tired and it goes on and on. That guy needs to lose some weight, my back's killing me."
The sheepherders eyes grow wide and the ventriloquist looks at him questionaly. The sheepherder just shrugs his shoulders.
He then questions the dog.
"dog, so how's this guy treat you?"
Ah man, that guy gets me up at all hours of the day and night and makes me run all over the damn place, in the heat of day and the cold of night while he sits in the damn wagon or on the horse--I'm sick of it."

By this time the sheepeherder is utterly dismayed.

"man" says the sheepherder "don't talk to the sheep 'cuz they LIE"
:D :D

Why Sheep Are Better Than Women


1. Sheep don't have a gag reflex, or upper teeth.
2. You can get a better grip on a sheep's ear.
3. Sheep don't shy away from boots and leather.
4. Cottonmouth is easier to get rid of than a social disease.
5. Nuttin' beats mutton.
6. Sheep won't argue about whose turn it is to go get a towel.
7. Sheep won't drink your liquor, smoke your weed, snort your coke, and
then tell you they have to be home early.
8. Sheep never ask if you're ready to settle down.
9. Sheep never ask about you former lovers and then get pissed off when
you tell them.

bonyhadi,

But there are a lot of folks who have a hard time selecting a
good looking ewe, ya know, most of em is UGLLLLY !!!!