A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had
broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

One night, as a couple lay down for bed,
the husband gently taps his wife on the
shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry
honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The Husband, rejected, turns over and
tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over
and taps his wife again. This time he
whispers in her ear, "Do you have a
dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting
room at the veterinary office. One of
the dogs was hanging its head and
sighing. The dog looked depressed.
The second dog turned to him and asked,
"What are you in here for, buddy?"

"I'm in big trouble," he said. "My owner
has a really nice sports car with leather
seats. I just love to go for rides
in it. Well, the other day, he took me
for a ride and I was so excited, I peed
on the nice leather seat. Now he's having
me put to sleep."

"I know how you feel," said the second dog.
"My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental
rug. The other day they were late getting home
from work and I just couldn't help myself.
I **** all over their nice carpet and ruined it.
They're having me put to sleep too."

Both dogs turned to the third dog in
the waiting room. "So what are you here
for?" they asked.

"Well", said the third dog, "my owner likes
to do her housework in the nude. The other
day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to
vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't
help myself. I hopped on her back and had
the ride of my life."

The other dogs nodded in sympathy.

"So she's having you put to sleep too, huh?"

"No," said the dog, "I'm having my nails clipped."

An old man, Mr. Smith, resides in a nursing
home. One day he went into the nurses' office
and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died.

Nurse Jones, realizing that Mr. Smith was old
and forgetful decided to play along with him.
"It did? I'm sorry to hear that." she replied.

Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down
the halls at the nursing home with his penis
hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw
him and said, "Mr.Smith I thought you told
me your penis died."

"It did," he replied, "today is the viewing."

Womans perspective of the perfect man
 

Brave
Intelligent
Gentle

Polite
Energetic
Nutty
Industrious
Sensitive

And if all else fails, well ...
read the CAPITAL LETTERS only

DRIED UP
 

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where
the annual flower show was in progress.

One leaned over to the other and said, "Cripes! Life is boring. We never
have any fun these days. Tell you what...for $5.00 I'd take my clothes off
and streak through the flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old fellow, pulling out his wallet and
extracting a $5.00 bill.

As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes
and was completely naked. He got up and streaked across the street and
through the front door of the town hall. Suddenly, there was a roar of loud
applause and cheering. The second old guy was mesmerized.

Then, the streaker burst out through the front doors of the town hall and
ran back across the street to his aging buddy, being surrounded by a
cheering crowd the whole way.

"Wow, what happened?" asked his friend, in total bewilderment.

"It was great! You should have been there!" he said, while trying to catch
his breath, "I won first prize for Dried Arrangement!"

An elderly gentleman was fishing one day when he heard something from the bayou say "Pick me up and kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful blonde and give you the best sex you ever had". He looked over the side of his boat and it was a small frog talking to him saying this...He quickly picked up the frog and unzipped his front pocket on his overalls and put the frog in and zipped it up...After a few minutes the frog repeated his statement about turning into a blonde and giving him the best sex he ever had,to that the old guy replies," At my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

David

Blonde joke
 

To prepare for his big date, the young man went on top of the roof of his apartment building in order to get a little color for himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get sunburned on his "tool."

Being very determined the young man decided not to miss his date because it was with a hot blonde. So, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze, feeling this should resolve his painful situation.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused. A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain so he went to the kitchen, and poured a tall, cold glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wondered into the kitchen to find him with his "Johnson" immersed in a glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So, THAT'S how you load those things."

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with
the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
woman. She has a headache.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another
long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and
a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for
their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the
American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature
of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of
fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees
make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated
her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving
and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets
sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But they're
satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

OUCH!
 

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?"
She replied, "They're up in bed "
So the little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.
Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied "They're still up in bed" and the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.
Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma
"Where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "They're still up in bed" and the little boy started to laugh.
His grandmother asked "What give's? every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?"
The little boy replied, "Well, last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue instead."

Dr. Seuss in the Golden Years
 

> > > > I cannot see
> > > > I cannot pee
> > > > I cannot chew
> > > > I cannot screw
> > > > Oh, my God, what can I do?
> > > > My memory shrinks
> > > > My hearing stinks
> > > > No sense of smell
> > > > I look like hell
> > > > My mood is bad - can you tell?
> > > > My body's drooping
> > > > Have trouble pooping
> > > > The Golden Years have come at last
> > > > The Golden Years can kiss my ass!

Gabriels Horn

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young
Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the
way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also
instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could
help it, do whatever he told her to do and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the
Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, Sister" said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to
wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down
between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now..." said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key
to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to
me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And
then Father John guided his key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact..." said the old nun, even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to
salvation was often painful but that the glory of God would soon
swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt good being
saved."

"That son-of-a..." muttered the old nun, "he told ME it was
Gabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it for forty years!"

Another Blonde
 

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman' and started canvassing a
nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "How much
will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it.
Do you think she's dumb?"
"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' joke posts we've been reading."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total,"
says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out--- virtually impenetrable."

"Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with water."
__________________________________________________ _______________

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Ours is prettier," says the wife.

New Tax Laws
 

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole.
On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective January 1, 2002, your penis will be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:
10-12" Luxury Tax $30.00
8-10" Pole Tax $25.00
5-8" Privilege Tax $15.00
4-5" Nuisance Tax $3.00
Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!!!
Sincerely,
Head Pecker Checker IRS

NOTE: We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:
- Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
- What if one's penis is self employed?
- Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
- Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?
- Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?

Stan,
If you read back through the past 48 pages you will see your joke is a repeat.
Dan

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no." the man replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." She says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

One Liners
 

What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity.
***************
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
***************
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
***************
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and *****.
***************
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good
looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
***************
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
***************
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
***************
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
***************
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
***************
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
***************
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your Mom.
***************
What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice Dick."
***************
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
***************
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
***************
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
***************
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
***************
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
***************
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
***************
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
***************
What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage,
along with a recipe
***************
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row, row, row your boat.
***************
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins
"'Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh!t.

The Man Code
 

1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat
2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed
and eaten by his fellow partygoers
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father,
priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should
not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You
are permitted to deny his very existence
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without
recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call
BULL****. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable
exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
7. If you've known a guy for more
than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes
for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale
9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is
forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man In
fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is
trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with
your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden
to speak of it, even at your bachelor party
12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission
and he in return is required to grant it
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a
buffalo wing clean
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin''
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat
17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing
18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up
with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn
your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood
19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless super model
... and it's free
20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked
21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight
22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you
must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions
have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then
you
may sit back and enjoy
23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and
we can hit the showers." " Nice a$$, are you a Sagittarius?"
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both. That's just plain mean
25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his
beer
26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's
withholding sex pending your response
27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing:
either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a
nod is all the conversation you need

PROBABLY NOT POLITICALLY CORRECT
 

THREE RELIGIOUS LEADERS WERE OUT ON A BOAT FISHING AS THE DAY PROGRESSED THE TOPIC OF CONVERSATION TURNED TO THE QUESTION OF "EXACTLY" WHEN LIFE BEGINS.

FATHER O'REILLEY SAYS - "WELL LADS, WE CATHOLICS BELIEVE THAT LIFE BEGINS AT THE MOMENT OF CONCEPTION".

REVEREND DAVIS SAYS - "WELL, FATHER, WE PROTESTANTS DON'T CUT IT QUITE THAT CLOSE - - WE BELIEVE THAT LIFE BEGINS AT THE MOMENT OF BIRTH".

RABBI GOLDSTEIN RESPONDS BY STATING - "FELLAS, LEMME TELL YOU - LIFE BEGINS WHEN THE LAST KID LEAVES HOME AND THE DAMN DOG DIES".

Y'ALL HAVE A REALLY GREAT DAY,

BLACKJACK