The Perfect Husband
 

There are several men sitting around in the locker room of a golf club after a round, showering and getting changed for the 19th hole.
Suddenly a mobile phone on one of the benches rings.
One of the men picks it up, and the following conversation ensues:
(H - Husband, W - Wife)
H - "Hello?"
W - "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
H - "Yes."
W - "Great! I am at the mall two blocks from where you are. I just saw a beautiful leather coat. It's absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"
H - "What's the price?"
W - "Only $1,000."
H - "Well, OK, go ahead and get it, if you like it that much..."
W - "Ahhh, and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2002 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman, and he gave me a really good price...and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."
H - "What price did he quote you?"
W - "Only $60,000..."
H - "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
W - "Great! But before we hang up, something else..."
H - "What?"
W - "It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and..I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It's for sale!!
Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beach front property."
H - "How mu! ch are they asking?"
W - "Only $450,000 -- a magnificent price...
and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..."
H - "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid up to $420,000.
OK?"
W - "OK, sweetie...Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"
H - "Bye...I love you too..."
The man hangs up & closes the phone's flap.
The other men are looking at him in astonishment and derision.
The husband raises his hand while holding the phone and asks "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

HOT OFF THE PRESS
Subject: Terrorist in Mexico

Mexico Also a Target

Mexico's intelligence agency uncovered a plot to fly an Aeromexico jet
into the Torre Latina (Latin Tower) in Mexico City on September 11,
sources told La Jornada. According to one source, the Terrorists
failed
to carry out their nefarious deed for a number of reasons. This is the
timeline of events:

Sunday, September 9, 13:25 hrs:

The two terrorists arrive at Benito Juarez Airport. They board a taxi
and head downtown. Taxi cab breaks down two miles from the hotel after
being stuck in traffic for two hours. Terrorists board a second taxi.
The driver turns out to be a "pirata." He takes them to La Neza,
Mexico
City's infamous neighborhood. The taxi driver's cronies assault the
terrorists and steal their luggage. It is presumed that the boxcutters
were re-sold on the black market.

Monday, September 10, 1:23 hrs:

Exhausted, terrorists finally arrive at hotel. Spend the rest of the
morning on the toilet. Witnesses told police they saw the two men
eating
tacos and raspados from a street vender a few blocks away from the
hotel. "We thank Montezuma for his help in this matter," said one
investigator.

Monday, September 10, 21:34 hrs:

Dehydrated but still committed to their mission, terrorists meet with
local contact, who hands them a pair of boxcutters. "Hey!" said one
terrorist. "This is my boxcutter! Look, these are my initials!" Under
questioning by local authorities, local contact claims he bought the
boxcutters from a street vender in La Neza.

Tuesday, September 11, 8:00 hrs:

Terrorists arrive at Benito Juarez Airport. Mexicana and Aeromexico
airline mechanics are on strike. All flights are cancelled or delayed.
Demonstrators block the runways and loot the airport stores.

Tuesday, September 11, 11:35 hrs:

Terrorists finally return to hotel. They decide to blow up the Torre
Latina with dynamite. Local contact finds large sticks of dynamite for
$100,000. Terrorists order wire transfer from Yemen. They never get
their money. Later that day, the money mysteriously appeared in the
bank
manager's briefcase. "We are investigating this matter fully," said
Bancomer president. "But so far our hunch is that we have a hero on
our
hands." Mexican newspapers are reporting that bank manager became
suspicious of the two Arab-looking men and held on to the money. He
says
he tried to call police, but the phones were down. Tel-Mex denies any
wrongdoing, but hailed the managers good sense. The whereabouts of the
money is still unknown.

Tuesday, September 11, 21:56:

Terrorists obtain funds from local thug. They buy the dynamite and
head
for the Torre Latina. They park their rented vehicle outside the Torre
and enter the basement to inspect where to place the dynamite. Upon
returning to the car, they find the windows have been smashed, the
stereo stolen, and the dynamite nowhere in sight. A child appears and
asks terrorists if they would like to buy fireworks for the upcoming
independence festivities. Shows them the dynamite. "That's our
dynamite!" one terrorist exclaims in broken Spanish. Child bursts out
laughing. "Dinamita?" he squeals. "Que Pendejos."

Tuesday, September 11, 23:59 hrs:

Terrorists jump off or are thrown off the balcony of their hotel room.
Local authorities are investigating. One newspaper attributes the
heroic
deed to Super Barrio, the masked defender of the poor. Others suspect
terrorists became so enamored by the warmth and hospitality of the
Mexican people that they could not bring themselves to carry out such
an
atrocious deed. One witness says he heard one of the terrorists shout
in broken Spanish, "Hijos de la chingada!"(*) as he plunged to his
death. Experts in suicide suggest that the terrorist was referring to
his cronies back in Afghanistan.

Wednesday, September 12, 8:00 hrs:

Mexican president assures the Mexican people in a nationally televised
address that his government is prepared to handle any contingency.
"Make
no mistake about it," he said. "Terrorists will not succeed here. Viva
Mexico!"

There was an old professor who started every class with a vulgar joke.
After one particularly nasty example, the women in the class decided to walk out the next time he started.
The professor got wind of this plot, so the next morning he walked in and said: "Good morning, class. Did you hear the one about the shortage of whores in India?"
With that, all the women stood up and headed for the door.
"Wait, ladies," cried the professor. "The boat doesn't leave until tomorrow!"

Line up Guys
 

A 40-year-old man goes into a drugstore, walks up to the girl at checkout #3, and asks her, "Do you guys sell condoms here?" She says, "Sure — what size are you?" "I don't know" he replies. So she unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3." They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves.

Then, a 25-year-old man comes into the store and walks up to checkout #3. He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?" She replies, "Sure — what size do you need?" He says, "Well, I don't know." So she says unzips his pants, takes a couple of tugs, and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. LARGE CONDOMS TO CHECKOUT 3." They bring the condoms, and the man pays for them and leaves.

Seeing this, a 15-year-old boy who hopes to get lucky goes up to the girl at checkout #3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah...do you sell condoms here?" "Yep," she says. "What size do you need?" "I don't know," he shrugs. So she unzips his pants for a feel, pauses, and says over the intercom, "CLEANUP AT CHECKOUT 3 PLEASE. CLEANUP AT CHECKOUT 3."

My Groups | Best-Adult-Humor2 Main Page


A mother and daughter loved to play around. They partied everyday
and always ended up ****ing everybody around. Their holes were played
until they became seasoned and loose. One day, the daughter met the man

of her dreams and decided to get married. Now, the man did not know
about their flicks and thought the daughter was still a virgin. So he
decided to leave any lovemaking until their wedding night. The daughter
began to worry about the condition of her hole and consulted her
mother, Mom, I'm worried, what will Peter do if he finds out about my
hole?!!
Mother said, Don't worry dear, I will teach you a way to fool your
husband-to-be. Here's what you do, place an apple in your hole and it
will be tight and he won't even notice it. So the daughter did what her

mother taught her and everything went well and the stupid husband
didn't even notice.
This went on for a few months. Now, everytime the daughter wanted to
bathe, she would take out the apple and place it on the wash basin and
after bathing, she would put it back in her hole. One day, after
bathing, she forgot to put it back and left it on the wash basin. The
husband came into the washroom and saw the apple and thought
that her wife left the apple for him and he ate it, Honey, thanks
for the apple. It tasted great! Shocked, the daughter dare not tell her
husband about it and went to consult her mother, Mom, I'm in deep ****
now! I took out the apple while I was bathing and I forgot to put it
back and Peter found the apple I left on the wash basin and
ate it! What should I do? Will he be poisoned? I'm scared,
Mother said, Don't worry dear, a few years ago, your father ate the
WATERMELON I left in the washroom and he lived!

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her
mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $150 she
exclaimed, "I don't have that kind of money, but I would do ANYTHING to
get a message to my mother in Poland!" The man arched an eyebrow and
asked, "Anything?" "Yes, anything!" the blonde promised.

With that, the man said, "Follow me." He walked into the next room
and ordered, "Come in and close the door." She did. He then said,
"Get on your knees." She did. Then he said, 'Take down my zipper."
She did.
He said, "Go ahead...take it out." She took it out and grabbed hold
of it with both hands. The man closed his eyes and whispered,
"Well....go ahead!" The blonde slowly brought her lips closer, and
while holding it close to her lips she said loudly, "HELLO....MOM?"

APPLICATION FORM CONSENT FORM SIGNED BEFORE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE

This certifies that, I the undersigned female (hereafter referred to as the
"screwee") about to enjoy sexual intercourse with
___________________________________ (hereafter referred to as the
"screwer"), I am above the lawful age of of consent, I am in my right mind
and I am not under the influence of any narcotic substances.

The aforementioned screwer need not use any force, threats, coercion or
promises to influence me.

Furthermore I, the srewee, am in no fear of him whatsoever, and do not
expect or wish to marry him, I do not know if he is married or not, and I
do not care. I am neither asleep nor drunk, I'm entering this relationship
with him because I love it and want it as much as he does. In the event
wherby I recieve the full satisfaction, which I expect, I declare in
advance the capacity and willingness to further participation as soon as
time permits. In addition, I will not act as a witness against him nor
will I file charges against him should I fall pregnant, contract a sexual
disease or feel that he is violating any legislation, moral, legal or
otherwise.


Signed naked before jumping into bed on this _________ day of the
__________ Month in the year of our Lord 2002.


Signature of screwee: ________________________________ Date of Birth:
_______________________________________ date of conduct:
____________________________________
______________________________________________

:LOL: :LOL: **) **) :JEKYLHYDE :JEKYLHYDE :3DSMILE: :3DSMILE: %/ %/

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa, half discovered, half
wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America, well developed and open
to trade especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India, very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France. Gently aging but still a
warm and a desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia, lost the war - haunted by
past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia, very wide and borders are
unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia, with a glorious and
all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, they become Afghanistan. Most everyone knows where it is,
but no one wants to go there.

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN

Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq - ruled by a dick

Learn Chinese in 2 minutes -- but you must read out loud.
 

1) That's not right ....................... Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive?........... Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP..............................Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man ..............................Dum Gai
5) Small Horse .............................Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? ................Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table ............Ai Bang Mai Ni
8) I think you need a face lift ............Chin Tu Fat
9) It's very dark in here ..................Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet ...........Wai Yu Mun Ching?
11) This is a tow away zone ................No Pah King
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week ..Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight ...................Lei Ying Lo
14) He's cleaning his automobile .......... Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive ...........Yu Stin Ki Pu

Parrot Talk
 

A lady approaches her priest and says, "Father, I have a problem. I have
two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquires.

"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Want to
have some fun?'"

"That's terrible," the priest exclaims, "but I have a solution to your
problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house, and I will put them
with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.
My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase, and
your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" the woman responds.

The next day, the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His
two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The
lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots, and the female
parrots say, "Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads
away. Our prayers have been answered!"

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
They had pictures of lawyers on them and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

How does an attorney sleep?
First he lies on one side then he lies on the other.

How many lawyer jokes are there?
Only three. The rest are true stories.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three. One to climb the ladder. One to shake it. And one to sue the ladder company.

If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

What did the lawyer name his daughter?
Sue.

What do you call 25 skydiving lawyers?
Skeet.

What do you call a lawyer gone bad?
Senator.

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
Your Honor.

What do you throw to a drowning lawyer?
His partners.

What does a lawyer use for birth-control?
His personality.

What happens when you cross a pig with a lawyer?
Nothing. There are some things a pig just won't do.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
The lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.

What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
Chelsea Clinton.

The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself.
He came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big, scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a princess. I take orders from no one".
The flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a queen, so I outrank you.
Put the tray up, B!tch!"

A life long supporter of the Democratic party was lying on his
death bed when he suddenly decided to join the Republican party.

"But why?" asked his puzzled friend, "You're Democratic through
and through! Why change now?"

The man learned forward and explained, "Well, I'd rather it
was one of them that died and not one of us."



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At a small parish in rural New England there lived a
priest, and several nuns. One day, one of the older nuns
was noticing that the rugs in the church were beginning
to fray. She went to the priest and told him,
"Father, I believe your rugs need to be replaced soon."

The priest thanked her for bringing it to his attention, and
told her that he thought that she had been there long enough
to refer to church property as 'our' not 'your.'

A few days later the parish received word that the bishop
would be coming for a visit. The entire parish was busy
readying the church for the visit. On the day the bishop
arrived, the same nun came down the front stairs
yelling, "Father! Father! I found your watch!"

The bishop said, "How wonderful my child. Where did you
find it?"

After saying hello to the bishop, the nun turned to the priest
and said, "I found it under OUR bed."



xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx




A little old lady had two monkeys for years. One day
one of them died of natural causes. In grief, the
second monkey passed away two days later. Not knowing
what to do with them, she finally decided to take
them to the taxidermist and have them stuffed.

After telling the owner of her wishes, he asked her,
"Do you want them mounted?" Blushing, she said,
"No. Shaking hands will be fine."

Mrs. Bellows is having her house painted and when Mr. Bellows arrives home from work that day, he leans up next to the front door and leaves his hand print.
The following morning, Mrs. Bellows approached Jack the Painter and ask him, "Would you like to see where my husband put his hand last night?"
Jack replied, "Look lady, I don't feel well, I'm tired and my Dick is sore from my own last night's activities.
Why don't you just make me a cup of Tea instead?"

Dangers Of Riding A Horse

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had
no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted
and the horse immediately springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde
begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's
mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her
arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the
horse anyway.The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its
slipping rider.

Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away
from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot
becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the
horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground
over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is
mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great
fortune, Bobby the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the
horse.

Horses and more Horses
 

A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed
and, in general, began to throw his weight around.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing so, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah,
if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies.
"The farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh!", and goes back to writing the ticket. After a bit he stops and says, "Hey! Wait a minute! Are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
"Well, that's a good thing.", says the trooper, and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer says,
"Hard to fool them flies though."

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.

Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his
wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?"

"There are three colors", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What color are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course," says the man proudly.

The wife responds, "Really, why don’t you wear Silver, it would be nice if
you came second for a change!"

Dr. Seuss in the Golden Years
I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw
Oh, my God, what can I do?
My memory shrinks
My hearing stinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell
My mood is bad - can you tell?
My body's drooping
Have trouble pooping
The Golden Years have come at last
The Golden Years can kiss my ass!

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had
broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

One night, as a couple lay down for bed,
the husband gently taps his wife on the
shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry
honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The Husband, rejected, turns over and
tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over
and taps his wife again. This time he
whispers in her ear, "Do you have a
dentist appointment tomorrow too?"