Joke of the Day... - Page 37

xlr8or · #1 (**permalink**) 05-02-2002, 01:38 PM

> > > > I cannot see
> > > > I cannot pee
> > > > I cannot chew
> > > > I cannot screw
> > > > Oh, my God, what can I do?
> > > > My memory shrinks
> > > > My hearing stinks
> > > > No sense of smell
> > > > I look like hell
> > > > My mood is bad - can you tell?
> > > > My body's drooping
> > > > Have trouble pooping
> > > > The Golden Years have come at last
> > > > The Golden Years can kiss my ass!

bonyhadi · #2 (**permalink**) 05-02-2002, 01:51 PM

Gabriels Horn

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and young
Sister Magdalene had prepared the bath water and towels just the
way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene was also
instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could
help it, do whatever he told her to do and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the
Saturday night bath had gone.

"Oh, Sister" said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved."

"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.

"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to
wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down
between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."

"Did he now..." said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if the Key
to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to
me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And
then Father John guided his key to Heaven into my lock."

"Is that a fact..." said the old nun, even more evenly.

"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to
salvation was often painful but that the glory of God would soon
swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt good being
saved."

"That son-of-a..." muttered the old nun, "he told ME it was
Gabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it for forty years!"

CobraDan · #3 (**permalink**) 05-02-2002, 04:14 PM

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handy-woman' and started canvassing a
nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "How much
will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it.
Do you think she's dumb?"
"No. I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb blonde' joke posts we've been reading."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

Stan · #4 (**permalink**) 05-02-2002, 04:19 PM

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.

"I will give each of you each one wish, that's three wishes total,"
says the Genie.

The Canadian says, "I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada."

With a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' the land in Canada was forever made fertile for farming.

Osama bin Ladin was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around
Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews or Americans can come into our precious state."

Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye, 'POOF' there was a huge wall around Afghanistan.

"Uncle Sam" (A former civil engineer), asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in or out--- virtually impenetrable."

"Uncle Sam" says, "Fill it with water."
__________________________________________________ _______________

Stan · #5 (**permalink**) 05-03-2002, 03:43 AM

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman. "Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Ours is prettier," says the wife.

CobraDan · #6 (**permalink**) 05-03-2002, 05:14 AM

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis.
This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it is in the hole.
On top of that, it has two dependents and they are both nuts.
Effective January 1, 2002, your penis will be taxed according to size.
The brackets are as follows:
10-12" Luxury Tax $30.00
8-10" Pole Tax $25.00
5-8" Privilege Tax $15.00
4-5" Nuisance Tax $3.00
Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains.
Anyone under 4 inches is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!!!!!
Sincerely,
Head Pecker Checker IRS

NOTE: We are still waiting for answers for the following questions:
- Are there penalties for early withdrawals?
- What if one's penis is self employed?
- Do multiple partners count as a corporation?
- Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?
- Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?

Stan,
If you read back through the past 48 pages you will see your joke is a repeat.
Dan

CobraDan · #7 (**permalink**) 05-03-2002, 08:46 AM

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no." the man replies.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." She says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.
"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

CobraDan · #8 (**permalink**) 05-04-2002, 03:44 AM

What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity.
***************
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 lbs.
***************
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
***************
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and *****.
***************
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good
looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
***************
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
***************
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
***************
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
***************
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
***************
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the
biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
***************
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your Mom.
***************
What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom?
Say, "Nice Dick."
***************
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
***************
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
***************
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
***************
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
***************
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia?
Everyone has the same DNA.
***************
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
***************
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
***************
What's the difference between a Southern zoo, and a Northern zoo?
A Southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage,
along with a recipe
***************
What's the Cuban National Anthem?
Row, row, row your boat.
***************
What's the difference between a Northern fairytale and a Southern fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time." A Southern fairytale begins
"'Y'all ain't gonna believe this sh!t.

CobraDan · #9 (**permalink**) 05-04-2002, 01:21 PM

1. Thou shall not rent the movie Chocolat
2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella
3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed
and eaten by his fellow partygoers
4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father,
priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should
not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You
are permitted to deny his very existence
5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours
6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without
recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call
BULL****. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable
exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)
7. If you've known a guy for more
than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever
8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes
for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale
9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is
forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable
10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man In
fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional
11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is
trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with
your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden
to speak of it, even at your bachelor party
12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission
and he in return is required to grant it
13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a
buffalo wing clean
14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin''
15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer
16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat
17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may
always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's
playing
18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiny friend up
with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn
your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood
19. It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're
sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless super model
... and it's free
20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked
21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight
22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you
must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions
have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then
you
may sit back and enjoy
23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more! Harder!" "Another set and
we can hit the showers." " Nice a$$, are you a Sagittarius?"
24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both. That's just plain mean
25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his
beer
26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's
withholding sex pending your response
27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing:
either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a
nod is all the conversation you need

BLACKJACK · #10 (**permalink**) 05-04-2002, 05:36 PM

THREE RELIGIOUS LEADERS WERE OUT ON A BOAT FISHING AS THE DAY PROGRESSED THE TOPIC OF CONVERSATION TURNED TO THE QUESTION OF "EXACTLY" WHEN LIFE BEGINS.

FATHER O'REILLEY SAYS - "WELL LADS, WE CATHOLICS BELIEVE THAT LIFE BEGINS AT THE MOMENT OF CONCEPTION".

REVEREND DAVIS SAYS - "WELL, FATHER, WE PROTESTANTS DON'T CUT IT QUITE THAT CLOSE - - WE BELIEVE THAT LIFE BEGINS AT THE MOMENT OF BIRTH".

RABBI GOLDSTEIN RESPONDS BY STATING - "FELLAS, LEMME TELL YOU - LIFE BEGINS WHEN THE LAST KID LEAVES HOME AND THE DAMN DOG DIES".

Y'ALL HAVE A REALLY GREAT DAY,

BLACKJACK

CobraDan · #11 (**permalink**) 05-04-2002, 06:39 PM

Sid and Al were sitting in a Mexican
restaurant."Sid," asked Al, "Are there any Jews in Mexico?"
I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter?"
When the waiter came by, Al asked him, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
"I don't know sir, let me ask," the waiter
replied,and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, "No,sir. No Mexican Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir." the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.
While he was still gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Mexican Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Mexican Jews."
"Sir, I ask everyone," the waiter replied
exasperated.
"We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Mexican Jews!"

CobraDan · #12 (**permalink**) 05-05-2002, 10:13 AM

The nurse was walking down the hospital corridor when her supervisor spotted her. The supervisor couldn't believe it:
The nurses hair was unkempt, her dress wrinkled, and to top off her overall dishevelment, one of her breasts was hanging out of the open front of her uniform!
"MISS JENNINGS! How can you account for parading around the hospital not only looking like a derelict, but with your breast exposed!"
"Oh," said the nurse, as she stuffed her breast into her uniform, "It's those darn interns! They NEVER put anything back when they're through using it!"

bonyhadi · #13 (**permalink**) 05-05-2002, 11:56 AM

More Military Sayings Involving The F Word:

FTN - **** the Navy!
DILLIGAFF - Do I Look Like I Give A Flying ****?
WTF - What The ****?
WFC - Who ****ing Cares?
FOAD - **** Off And Die
HMFIC - Head Mother ****er In Charge
HMFICC - Head Mother ****er In Complete Control
RTFQ/WTFA - Read The ****ing Question/Write The ****ing Answer.
ATQ/ATMFQ = Answer The (MF) Question
FRED - ****ing Ridiculous Electronic Device, or ****ing Remedials
Every Day
OMGIF - Oh, My God, I'm ****ed!
FFSSFIU - Five ****ing Supervisors, Still ****ed It Up
FNG - ****ing New Guy
REMF- Rear Echelon Mother ****er
NFG - No ****ing Good
LIFER - Lazy Idiotic ****er Expecting Retirement
FIJPFI - **** It, Just Plain **** It
FYVM - **** You Very Much
WIDAFU - When In Doubt, Always **** Up
SOOFC - Still Out Of ****ing Commission
AMF - Adios Mother ****er ***see below
NMFJ - Not My ****ing Job
HFS - Hot ****ing ****
NFS - No ****ing ****

CobraDan · #14 (**permalink**) 05-05-2002, 04:54 PM

There was this gas station in "redneck country"trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."
Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were
close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time."
Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number.The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close
but no free sex this time."
As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't give away free sex."
The buddy replied, "No, it's not rigged -- my wife won twice last week."

Jack Zupan · #15 (**permalink**) 05-06-2002, 05:07 AM

>
> Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting.
> He spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Right after, there was a tap
> on his shoulder and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black
> bear said, "That was my cousin and you've got two choices....either I
> maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Frank
> decided to accept to the latter.
>
> Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed
> revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the black bear and
> shot it. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time
> a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was
> a big mistake, Frank. That was my cousin and you've got two choices.
> Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex. Again, Frank thought it
> was better to cooperate.
>
> Although he survived, it took several months before Frank finally
> recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down
> the grizzly and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but, then, there was a
> tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear
> standing there. The polar bear looked at him very sadly and said, "Admit
> it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"
>
>
>
>

bonyhadi · #16 (**permalink**) 05-06-2002, 07:01 AM

The Geography of a Woman

Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.

Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan. Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.

Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain. Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.

Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina. She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Iraq. She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.

Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada. Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.

Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia. With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.

After 70, they become Albania or Afghanistan. Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

CobraDan · #17 (**permalink**) 05-07-2002, 05:09 AM

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.
When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth.
The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."
Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly.
Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."
With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault!
If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

CobraDan · #18 (**permalink**) 05-08-2002, 07:50 AM

The other day, my friends and I went to this Male Strip Joint.
One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulls out a $10 bill.
The dancer came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 bill and put it on his butt.
Not to be outdone, my other friend pulls out a $50 bill.
She calls the guy back over, licks the $50 bill, and puts it on his other butt cheek.
Now the attention is focused on me.
What could I do to top that?
I got out my wallet, thought for a minute, then the banker in me took over.
I took out my ATM card, swiped it down his crack, grabbed the 60 bucks and went home.

Flyin_Freddie · #19 (**permalink**) 05-08-2002, 09:44 AM

You said you went to a "...Male Strip Joint..."?

You did....? Oooooo-kay....

Guys, watch out for CobraDan....don't bend over near him, and watch your 6, okay?

Clois Harlan · #20 (**permalink**) 05-08-2002, 10:07 AM

Hey F F

I knew he was a little mixed up when I saw he was running a bow tie. But I like his opportunist behavior. However, I don't think that ATM card will ever be the same.