Joke of the Day...

[bonyhadi]

40 Years Of Frustration

An old couple were sitting on the porch one afternoon rocking in their
rocking chairs. All the sudden the old man reaches over and slaps
his wife.

She says, "Well what was that for?"

He says, "Thats for 40 years of rotten sex!"

She doesn't reply and they start rocking again.

All the sudden the old lady reaches up and slaps her husband.

He says, "Well what was that for?"

She says, "That's for knowing the difference!"

[CobraDan]

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon.
When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was
wonderful!
So romantic..." Suddenly she burst out crying.
"But, mama, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before!
I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... PLEASE MAMA!"
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful. WHAT 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful!
COME GET ME, PLEASE!!!"
"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset...Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!" Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama...
words like: Dust, Wash, Iron, Cook......."

[CobraDan]

A man was carrying two babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train.
Along came this woman seeing the two cute babies started asking the man,
"Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
The man gave the lady an angry look and replied, "I don't know."
The lady asked again, "Which is the boy and which is the girl?"
The man looking angrier than before replied, "I don't know."
The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?"
The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and
these are two complaints that I am taking back to my company."

[bonyhadi]

OFFICIAL MALE SENSITIVITY TEST
>>
>> 1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred
>> to as:
>> A. Lovemaking.
>> B. Screwing.
>> C. Taking the pigskin bus to tuna town.
>>
>> 2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only
>> after you've both shared:
>> A. Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship.
>> B. Your blood-test results.
>> C. Five tequila slammers.
>>
>> 3. You time your orgasm so that:
>> A. Your partner climaxes first.
>> B. You both climax simultaneously.
>> C. You don't miss ESPN Sports Center.
>>
>> 4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
>> A. Healthy, creative love-play.
>> B. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would agree to.
>> C. Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend needs to ever
>> find out about.
>>
>> 5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you've just had
>> sex with is:
>> A. The best part of the experience.
>> B. The second best part of the experience.
>> C. $100 extra.
>>
>> 6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained five pounds in the
>> last month. You tell her that it is:
>> A. Of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her.
>> B. Not a problem, she can join your gym.
>> C. A conservative estimate.
>>
>> 7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:
>> A. A myth.
>> B. An oxymoron.
>> C. A moron.
>>
>> 8. Foreplay is to sex as:
>> A. An appetizer is to entree.
>> B. Primer is to paint.
>> C. A long line is to an amusement park ride.
>>
>> 9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself
>> saying at the end of a relationship?
>> A. "I hope we can still be friends."
>> B. "I'm not in right now, please leave a message at the beep."
>> C. "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population, YOU."
>>
>> 10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masturbate:
>> A. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with
>> that sort of intimacy.
>> B. Is uptight and a waste of time.
>> C. Shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first
>> place.
>>
>> Evaluating Results:
>> If you answered "A" more than 7 times, check your pants to
>> make sure you really ARE a man.
>>
>> If you answered "B" more than 7 times, check into therapy.
>> You're a little confused.
>>
>> If you answered "C" more than 7 times, "YOU DA MAN!"

[CobraDan]

Two blondes are in heaven:
One blond says to another, "How did you die"?

" I froze to death," says the second.

"That's awful" says the first blonde. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It's very uncomfortable at first," says the second blonde. You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping. How about you, how did you die?" asked the second blonde.

"I had a heart attack," says the first blonde. "You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second blonde shakes her head. "What a pity... if you had only looked in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."

[CobraDan]

Little Johnny walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver.
The little kid starts yelling, 'If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.' The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continued with,
'If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.'
The kid went on with several animals until the bus driver got angry and yelled at the kid,
'What if your dad was a fag**t and your mom a prostitute?!'
Johnny smiled and said, 'I would be a bus driver!'

[bonyhadi]

>> How most organizations and offices operate:
>>
>> 1. In the beginning was the Plan.
>>
>> 2. And then came the Assumptions,
>>
>> 3. And the Assumptions were without form.
>>
>> 4. And the Plan was without Substance.
>>
>> 5. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
>>
>> 6. And they spoke among themselves saying,
>> "It is a crock of **** and it stinks."
>>
>> 7. And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and
>> said, "It is a pail of dung and we cannot live
>> with the smell."
>>
>> 8. And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying,
>> "It is a container of organic waste and it is very
>> strong such that none may abide by it."
>>
>> 9. And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying,
>> "It is a vessel of fertilizer and none may abide its
>> strength."
>>
>> 10. And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to
>> one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth
>> and it is very strong."
>>
>> 11. And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying
>> unto them, "It promotes growth and it is very powerful."
>>
>> 12. And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying
>> unto him, "This new plan will actively promote the growth
>> and vigor of the company with very powerful effects."
>>
>> 13. And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it
>> was good.
>>
>> 14. And the Plan became Policy.
>>
>> 15. And this is how **** happens...
>>
>

[CobraDan]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.
The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.
He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.
She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. Because it is Soooooo much cheaper to roll your own.
So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!

[bonyhadi]

A Refresher Course for Americans

a. An armed man is a citizen. An unarmed man is a subject.
b. A gun in the hand is better than a cop on the phone.
c . Glock: The original point and click interface.
d. Gun control is not about guns; it's about control.
e. If guns are outlawed, can we use swords?
f. If guns cause crime, then pencils cause misspelled words.
g. Free men do not ask permission to bear arms.
h. If you don't know your rights you don't have any.
i. Those who trade liberty for security have neither.
j. The United States Constitution (c) 1791. All Rights reserved.
k. What part of "shall not be infringed" do you not understand?
l. The Second Amendment is in place in case they ignore the others.
m. 64,999,987 firearms owners killed no one yesterday.
n. Guns only have two enemies: rust and liberals.
o. Know guns, know peace and safety. No guns, no peace nor safety.
p. You don't shoot to kill; you shoot to stay alive.
q. 911 - government sponsored Dial-a-Prayer.
r. Assault is a behavior, not a device.
s. Criminals love gun control - it makes their jobs safer.
t. If guns cause crime, then matches cause arson.
u. Only a government that is afraid of its citizens tries to control them.
v. You only have the rights you are willing to fight for.
w. Enforce the "gun control laws" we have, don't make more.
x. When you remove the people's right to bear arms, you create slaves.
y. The American Revolution would never have happened with gun control.
z . "...a government of the people, by the people, for the people..."

[CobraDan]

The preacher was preaching with all his might. The subject was SIN, and he was most certainly 'against' sin.
A girl, with a wonderful figure, and not nearly enough clothes to hide much skin, came in late. She strode down the center aisle, close to the front, and sat down.
It was plain to the preacher that he had lost the men in his audience to this voluptuous sex-object.
He shook a fist at her and said, "You are the Jezebel the good book tells us about. You have got the mind of every man in this building on evil thoughts and not good thoughts. But I am a man of God! You don't affect me, and right now up in Heaven, you fallen woman.....Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!!"

[CobraDan]

Pepsi and Viagra investment alert
Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that VIAGRA will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola (Pepsi Bottling Group NYSE PBG) as a power beverage suitable for use as - is, or as a mixer, under the name "Mount And Do".
Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests: "It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one."


Dan

[bonyhadi]

A group of girlfriends went on vacation and they see a five-story hotel with
a sign that reads "For Women Only." Since they were without their boyfriends,
they decide to go in.

The Doorman, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works, "We have 5
floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you
can stay there. It's easy to decide, since each floor has signs telling you
what's inside. The only rule is, once you leave a floor, you can't return to
it."



The women talk it over and decide to go for it. They start going up, and on
the first floor the sign reads "All the men here are horrible lovers, but
they are sensitive and kind." The friends laugh and without hesitation move
on to the next floor.

The sign on the Second floor reads! "All the men here are wonderful lovers,
but they generally treat women badly." This wasn't going to do so again they
head for the stairs.

The friends move up to the Third floor where the sign read "All the men here
are great lovers and sensitive to the needs of women." This was good but
there were still two more floors...

So on to the Fourth floor, the sign was perfect. "All the men here have
perfect builds; are sensitive and attentive to women; are perfect lovers;
they are also single, rich and straight"

The women seemed pleased but they decide that they would rather see what the
fifth floor has to offer before they settle for the fourth.

When they reach the Fifth floor, there is only a sign that reads:

"There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is
simply no way to please a woman."

[CobraDan]

Saddam Hussein and George Bush meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process.

When George sits down he notices 3 buttons on the side of Saddam's chair as they begin talking.

After about 5 minutes Saddam presses the first button and a boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face.

Confused, Bush carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed and this time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin.

Again Saddam laughs; and again Bush carries on talking not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the 2 countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush in the privates; he's finally had enough, knowing that he can't do much without them functioning well.

"I'm going back home!" he tells Saddam, "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"

Two weeks pass and Saddam flies to the United States for the talks. As the 2 men sit down, Hussein notices 3 buttons on Bush's chair and prepares himself for revenge.

They begin talking and George presses the first button.

Saddam jumps up but nothing happens... Bush snickers...

A few seconds later Bush presses the second button.

Again Saddam jumps up; but again nothing happens... Bush roars with laughter...

When the third button is pressed Saddam jumps up again; and again nothing happens to him... Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics...

"Forget this" says Saddam, "I'm going home to Baghdad!"

Bush then says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad???"

[CobraDan]

A farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for their wool, meat, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help. The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.
The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, be laying down when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.
Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day with them and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are laying on the ground. "No," she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them's honking the horn."

[CobraDan]

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her.
He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.
When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey.
You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"
His wife said, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my a$$."

[CobraDan]

Two Pollock's were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've have to take a sh!t."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and sh!t."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my a$$." The other Pollock replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea I'll use that!"
He left and came back with sh!t all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your a$$ with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"

[CobraDan]

Morris complained to his friend Irving, that love making with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative Morris. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try 'playing doctor' for an hour?
That's what I do," said Irving.
"Sounds great," Morris replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"
"Just keep her in the waiting room for 55 minutes!"

[CobraDan]

Two women are sitting in a cafe and talking. One woman says, “Sh!t, this evening my husband brought me red roses.” “Why?” the other woman asks. “I’d be glad if my husband did that for me.”
“No, no, you don’t understand,” the other says. “Every time he brings me red roses, I have to spread my legs.”
“Why’s that?” the other asks. “Don’t you have a vase?”

[bonyhadi]

The Bug:

A man and a woman were driving down the road and
arguing about his deplorable infidelity when
suddenly the woman reaches over and
slices the man's penis off. Angrily, she tosses
it out the car window.

Driving behind the couple is a man and his
9-year-old daughter.The little girl is just
chatting away at her father when all of a sudden
the penis smacks the pickup on the windshield,
sticks for a moment, then flies off.

Surprised, the daughter asks her father, "Daddy,
what the heck was that?" Not wanting to expose
his little girl to anything sexual at such a
young age, the father replies, "It was only
a bug, honey."

The daughter sits with a confused look on her
face, and after a few minutes she says... "Sure
had a big dick, didn't it?"

[CobraDan]

Students at the UH Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They are all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
Then the professor started the class by telling them, "In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that it is necessary that you not be disgusted."
The Professor uncovered the sheet, sunk his finger in the a$$ of the dead body, withdrew it and sucked it. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated and subsequently taking turns, sunk their finger in the a$$ of the dead body and sucked it after withdrawing it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and told them, "The second important quality is observation. I sunk the middle finger and sucked the index. Pay attention people!!!"