Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

HOW TO SAY "I LOVE YOU" IN 20 DIFFERENT LANGUAGES:
English . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love You
Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo
French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime
German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich
Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai ****e Imasu
Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo
Chinese. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni
Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar
Alabama, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee,
Mississippi, Louisiana and Florida. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Nice Boobs

Dan

[CobraDan]

Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the
windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling
at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of
collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.

British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the
windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a
gun was sent to the British engineers. When the gun was fired, the
engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed
into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the
control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two and embedded itself
in the back wall of the cabin, like an arrow shot from a bow.

The horrified Brits sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment,
along with the designs of the windshield and begged the US scientists for
sugg estions.

NASA responded with a one-line memo: "Defrost the chicken."

[CobraDan]

KFRA prominent English Doctor was visiting an American hospital. During
his tour of the floors, he passed a room where a male patient was openly,
vigorously masturbating.

"My God," said the visiting MD, "that's disgraceful. What is the meaning of
this?"

The doctor leading the tour explained. "This man was diagnosed with a
serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't
relieve himself in this manner at least five times a day, he has to endure
incredible pain and the potential rupture of his testicles."

"Yes, of course," replied the visiting doctor, as if he was quite familiar
with the condition.

On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a male
patient a blow job.

"Good God," said the doctor, "How do you explain this?"

The American doctor replied, "Same illness, better health plan."

[CobraDan]

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon." Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to
make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too;you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smiththe picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment?"
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

[Jack Zupan]

A young lady who taught the sixth grade was recently married to a fellow who loved to hunt and brought home a deer every year. The teacher thought she would fix some venison steak, cut it into cubes and let her class sample the meat since it's somewhat different from everyday fare. So she goes to class the next day and let's the kids eat the meat. When they all had a chance to taste it, she asked " What kind of meat do you think this is?" A girl in the back said, beef. No, she said. Another girl said, chicken. No, try again. A boy said, pork. No she said, I'll give you a hint, it's what your mommy calls your daddy when they go to bed at night. A boy in the back of the room yells out, "spit it out you guys, it's an asshole".

[bonyhadi]

The world's greatest charade player brags that he can guess any
charade. A TV producer decides to use the charade player in a TV
special. He issues a challenge offering the charade player a
million dollars to guess a very hard charade on television. The
charade player agrees.

Comes the big night, all the world is watching. The charade player
is sitting on stage in front of a curtain. Music blares and the
curtain opens to reveal seven nude young women.

The second and fourth ladies are holding their breasts, while the
other five have their backs to him and are baring their behinds.

The charade player barely glances over them and says, "The William
Tell Overture by Rossini."

The flabbergasted producer says in awe, "You've done it! That's
the correct answer. You are indeed the greatest charade player!"
and he hands him a check for a million bucks.

Walking out, a reporter stops the charade player and ask him how
he did it.

"It's really simple," says the charade player. "One look at the
positions of the seven women, and I realized it as the William
Tell Overture."

"Rump... titty... rump... titty... rump... rump... rump."

[bonyhadi]

A Texan, a Frenchman and an Israeli are on a plane flying the Pacific Ocean
when the engines stop functioning. The plane crash lands on a Pacific Island
and the 3 are immediately captured by a tribe of cannibals and taken to their
village.

The Chief tells the 3 captives that these cannibals are civilized and they
have a custom on their island that before they eat anyone, they grant that
person his or her last wishes, no matter what they are.

He asks the Texan, "What is your last wish?"

The Texan replies: "I want a 2 inch thick steak with all the trimmings, Cajun
fries and a case of Bud." The Chief motions to some of his tribesmen who
immediately run into the jungle and come back with the steak, the fries and
the beer. The Texan eats his meal and he is thrown in the pot.

The Frenchman is asked: "What is your last wish?"

He replies: "I'd like a case of Dom Perignon and I'd also like a big plate of
escargots cooked in the French manner." The Chief motions to his tribesmen
who immediately rush off into the jungle and bring back everything the
Frenchman asked for. He eats and drinks his fill, and he is then thrown in
the pot.

The Chief turns to the Israeli and asks, "And what is your wish?"

The Israeli looks the Chief squarely in the eyes and replies: "I want you to
kick me in the behind as hard as you can." The Chief is bewildered and asks
the Israeli again, only to receive the same reply. "I want you to kick me in
the behind as hard as you can."

The Chief shrugs his shoulders, asks the Israeli to turn around, and kicks
him as hard as he can.

With that the Israeli pulls out a gun and kills the Chief and all of the
other cannibals.

The Texan and the Frenchman get out of the pot, look at the Israeli and
say:"If you had that gun why didn't you do anything sooner?"

The Israeli replies: "What? And risk being condemned by the UN, EU and the
State Department for 'overreacting' to insufficient
provocation?"
************************************************** ****************************

[CobraDan]

A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long, and yet her husband has lost interest in having sex.
So, she goes to see her doctor, and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn't seem worried at all and tells her that this is nothing serious, that her husband has merely lost his animal instincts.
The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband's cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him.
He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is. "He's dead," she replies.
"Dead?" the doctor asked. "What happened?"
The woman replied, "He was sitting on the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car."

[bonyhadi]

> > CHINESE PROVERBS
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who run in front of car get tired.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who run behind car get exhausted.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man with one chopstick go hungry.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > War does not determine who is right, war determine who
> > is left.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat
> > house.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
> >
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to
> > fill it.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who live in glass house should change clothes in
> > basement.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> > Crowded elevator smell different to midget.
> > *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

[CobraDan]

1. Eating Mexican food is not the cause of gonorrhea.
2. There is no need for dice in role playing.

3. Intercourse doesn't happen on a highway.

4. If you engage in oral sex first, it's not called a head start.

5. If she says she's into "bondage," don't show her your financial portfolio.

6. You can lie down during a one-night stand.

7. When a woman talks about waiting for the "right time," she's not referring to a commercial break.

8. Only sleep with someone you love or can say you love without smirking.

9. Making out doesn't mean getting your money's worth.

10. Sex is like "The Club" - Accept no substitutes

[xlr8or]

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had
broken into his house the night before.
"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant.
"No, no, no!" said the man. "I want to know how he got into the house
without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

[xlr8or]

One night, as a couple lay down for bed,
the husband gently taps his wife on the
shoulder and starts rubbing her arm.

The wife turns over and says, "I'm sorry
honey, I've got a gynecologist appointment
tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."

The Husband, rejected, turns over and
tries to sleep.

A few minutes later, he rolls back over
and taps his wife again. This time he
whispers in her ear, "Do you have a
dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

[xlr8or]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting
room at the veterinary office. One of
the dogs was hanging its head and
sighing. The dog looked depressed.
The second dog turned to him and asked,
"What are you in here for, buddy?"

"I'm in big trouble," he said. "My owner
has a really nice sports car with leather
seats. I just love to go for rides
in it. Well, the other day, he took me
for a ride and I was so excited, I peed
on the nice leather seat. Now he's having
me put to sleep."

"I know how you feel," said the second dog.
"My owners have a beautiful, expensive oriental
rug. The other day they were late getting home
from work and I just couldn't help myself.
I **** all over their nice carpet and ruined it.
They're having me put to sleep too."

Both dogs turned to the third dog in
the waiting room. "So what are you here
for?" they asked.

"Well", said the third dog, "my owner likes
to do her housework in the nude. The other
day, she was vacuuming and she knelt down to
vacuum under the sofa and I just couldn't
help myself. I hopped on her back and had
the ride of my life."

The other dogs nodded in sympathy.

"So she's having you put to sleep too, huh?"

"No," said the dog, "I'm having my nails clipped."

[xlr8or]

An old man, Mr. Smith, resides in a nursing
home. One day he went into the nurses' office
and informed Nurse Jones that his penis died.

Nurse Jones, realizing that Mr. Smith was old
and forgetful decided to play along with him.
"It did? I'm sorry to hear that." she replied.

Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down
the halls at the nursing home with his penis
hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw
him and said, "Mr.Smith I thought you told
me your penis died."

"It did," he replied, "today is the viewing."

[xlr8or]

Brave
Intelligent
Gentle

Polite
Energetic
Nutty
Industrious
Sensitive

And if all else fails, well ...
read the CAPITAL LETTERS only

[CobraDan]

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where
the annual flower show was in progress.

One leaned over to the other and said, "Cripes! Life is boring. We never
have any fun these days. Tell you what...for $5.00 I'd take my clothes off
and streak through the flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old fellow, pulling out his wallet and
extracting a $5.00 bill.

As fast as he could, the first old man fumbled his way out of his clothes
and was completely naked. He got up and streaked across the street and
through the front door of the town hall. Suddenly, there was a roar of loud
applause and cheering. The second old guy was mesmerized.

Then, the streaker burst out through the front doors of the town hall and
ran back across the street to his aging buddy, being surrounded by a
cheering crowd the whole way.

"Wow, what happened?" asked his friend, in total bewilderment.

"It was great! You should have been there!" he said, while trying to catch
his breath, "I won first prize for Dried Arrangement!"

[DAVID GAGNARD]

An elderly gentleman was fishing one day when he heard something from the bayou say "Pick me up and kiss me and I'll turn into a beautiful blonde and give you the best sex you ever had". He looked over the side of his boat and it was a small frog talking to him saying this...He quickly picked up the frog and unzipped his front pocket on his overalls and put the frog in and zipped it up...After a few minutes the frog repeated his statement about turning into a blonde and giving him the best sex he ever had,to that the old guy replies," At my age I'd rather have a talking frog."

David

[CobraDan]

To prepare for his big date, the young man went on top of the roof of his apartment building in order to get a little color for himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get sunburned on his "tool."

Being very determined the young man decided not to miss his date because it was with a hot blonde. So, he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze, feeling this should resolve his painful situation.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home-cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie.
During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up. After several minutes of extreme discomfort he asked to be excused. A friend had told him that milk was very effective in reducing sunburn pain so he went to the kitchen, and poured a tall, cold glass of milk. He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief.

The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wondered into the kitchen to find him with his "Johnson" immersed in a glass of milk. With a look of understanding the blonde exclaimed, "So, THAT'S how you load those things."

[bonyhadi]

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the
following people are suddenly stranded by, as you might expect, a shipwreck:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 Chinese men and 1 Chinese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later on these same absolutely stunning deserted islands in the
middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a
menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with
the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is
cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English
woman. She has a headache.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean, and another
long look at the Bulgarian woman, and started swimming.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy, a liquor store, a restaurant and
a laundry, and have got the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for
their stores.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of suicide because the
American woman keeps endlessly complaining about her body; the true nature
of feminism; how she can do everything they can do; the necessity of
fulfillment; the equal division of household chores; how sand and palm trees
make her look fat; how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated
her nicer than they do; how her relationship with her mother is improving
and how at least the taxes are low and it isn't raining.

The two Irish men have divided the island into North and South and set up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets
sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whisky. But they're
satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

[CobraDan]

A little boy came down for breakfast one morning and asked his grandma, "Where's Mom and dad?"
She replied, "They're up in bed "
So the little boy started to giggle and ate his breakfast and went out to play.
Then he came back in for lunch and asked his grandma "Where's Mom and dad?" and she replied "They're still up in bed" and the little boy started to giggle and he ate his lunch and went out to play.
Then the little boy came in for dinner and once again he asked his grandma
"Where's Mom and dad?" and his grandmother replied "They're still up in bed" and the little boy started to laugh.
His grandmother asked "What give's? every time I tell you they're still up in bed you start to laugh! What is going on here?"
The little boy replied, "Well, last night daddy came into my bedroom and asked me for the Vaseline and I gave him super glue instead."