Joke of the Day... - Page 70

bonyhadi · #1 (**permalink**) 09-14-2002, 06:57 PM

The Poopie List
GHOST POOPIE: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there is no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN POOPIE: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET POOPIE: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your
underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE POOPIE: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to
poopie some more.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD POOPIE: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG POOPIE: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY POOPIE: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling. DRINKER'S POOPIE: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of
drinking. It's most noticeable trait is the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN POOPIE: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-POOPIE POOPIE: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP POOPIE: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS POOPIE (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING POOPIE: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it
loose.
THE SURPRISE POOPIE: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

=========================================

THE ESSENCE OF ****

**** is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it. **** may just be the most powerful word in the English language.

Consider: You can be **** faced, be **** out of luck, or have **** for brains. With a little effort you can get your **** together, find a place for your **** or decide to
**** or get off the pot. You can smoke ****, buy ****, sell ****, lose ****, find ****, forget ****, and tell others to eat **** and die.

You can **** or go blind, have a **** fit or just **** your life away. People can be **** headed, **** brained, **** blinded, and **** over. Some people know their ****
while others can't tell the difference between **** and Shinola.

There are lucky ****s, dumb ****s, crazy ****s, and sweet ****s. There is bull ****, dog ****, cat ****, bird ****, whale ****, rat ****, and horse ****. There is tough ****,
hard ****, soft ****, slimy ****, rough ****, limp ****. You can **** a blue streak, **** bricks, **** pink Twinkies, **** marbles, or **** your guts out.

You can throw ****, sling ****, catch ****, or duck when the **** hits the fan. You can take a ****, give a ****, keep **** or serve **** on a shingle. You can find
yourself in deep ****, or be happier than a pig in ****.

Some days are colder than ****, some days are hotter than ****, and some days are just plane ****ty. There is funny **** and sad ****, bad **** and good ****. Some
**** doesn't stink while other things really smell like ****.

Some music sounds like ****, things can look like ****, and there are times when you feel like ****. You can be faster than **** or you can be slower than ****.
Sometimes you'll find **** on a stick or **** on a shingle, sometimes you'll find **** everywhere, and then there are times when you can't find **** at all.

You can have too much ****, not enough ****, the right ****, the wrong **** or a lot of weird ****. You can carry **** in a bucket, put **** in a barrel, have a pile of ****,
have a mountain of ****, have a river of ****, or find yourself up **** creek without a paddle. You can slice ****, spread ****, dunk **** or jump ****, and some people
just can't cut the ****.

There is fun **** and dull ****, silly **** and serious ****. Sometimes you really need this **** and sometimes you don't want any **** at all. You can stir ****, kick ****
or stick your ass out the window and **** on the world. Sometimes everything you touch turns to **** and other times you swim in a lake of **** and come out
smelling like a rose.
****! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation. This means the universe did not begin with a BIG BANG but rather with a BIG
DUMP. Keep that in mind the next time you flush the toilet. And remember, once you know your ****, you don't need to know anything else.
===============================================
A man finally gets his prescription for Viagra. Eager to try it out, he
takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come
home from work, but in his excitement he forgets and leaves the
package open on the table, and his cockatiel eats all of them. Seeing
the results and panicking, the man grabs the bird and stuffs him into
the freezer to cool off. Unfortunately, his Viagra kicks in just as his wife
comes home, and it is hours later before he remembers the cockatiel.
He runs and looks into the freezer expecting the worst, only to find the
bird breathing heavily, stained with sweat, and totally exhausted.
"What happened?" the man asks. "You were in there for hours, and
yet you're not only alive but you're sweating like crazy?" The cockatiel
pants, "Man, have you ever tried to pry apart the legs of a frozen
chicken?"
=========================
My husband retired, and for the first time in over 40 years I had to think about preparing midday meals. Tired of it after several months, I said, "I married you for
better or worse, but not for lunch." "Fair enough. From now on I'll make my own," he replied. A few weeks later he had to go downtown on business and invited me
to join him afterwards. "We could have lunch at that Chinese place we both like," he suggested. I happily agreed. At the restaurant the next day we were seated,
and the waiter came to take our order. My husband looked up, a twinkle in his eyes, and said, "Separate checks, please..."
=================================
An ace team of sex researchers decided to study both gay men and lesbian women at a local bar. So one day they prepared a questionnaire and asked 20 gay
men and 20 lesbian women what they liked most about sex. The gay men at the bar responded, "It tastes great!"
And the gay women responded, "It's less filling."

bonyhadi · #2 (**permalink**) 09-14-2002, 06:58 PM

=========================
Staggering in from their tenth anniversary dinner, the drunken husband collapsed in a chair and let out an enormous belch.
"That's it, George! I've had it this time," his wife screamed. "I'm cutting you off forever."
"That's impossible," he replied. "You don't even know where I'm getting it."
===================
The letter below is an actual letter sent to a bank in the United States.The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must had
elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my
entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also
for debiting my account by $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal
righteousness. No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in 2002, taking as my model the procedures,
attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it. To this end, please be advised of
the following changes:

I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing,
prerecorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, (like you) choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and
confidentially to an employee at your branch whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open
such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in
order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof. In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than
28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is
the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My Authorized Contact at
your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice service:......
Press buttons as follows:
1. To make an appointment to see me.
2. To query a missing payment.
3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. (Password will be communicated at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9. To make a general complaint or inquiry... The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on
occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call. This month I've chosen a refrain from "The Best of Woody Guthrie": "Oh, the
banks are made of marble, with a guard at every door, and the vaults are filled with silver, that the miners sweated for."

On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost. As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost which you have
always been quick to pass on to me.

Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back. First, there is a matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page.
Inquiries from the Authorized Contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the
penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.

New phone service runs at 75 cents a minute. You will be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever-so-slightly less prosperous, New Year?

Your Humble Client,

xxxxx xxxxxxx
========================================
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills
Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there
Ugly: You're in them

Good: Your husband understands fashion
Bad: He's a cross dresser
Ugly: He looks better than you

Good: Your son's finally maturing
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door
Ugly: So are you

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Ugly: With corrections
========================
Tailgating Bumper Sniackers

Back Off, I'm a postal worker.
Of course you're faster, but I'm driving in front of you.
Now that you are on my ass, you wanna get married?
Unless you are a hemorrhoid, get off my ass!
If you can't stop when I do, smile as you go under!
I drive the speed limit. If you don't like it call a cop!
I'm not tailgating I'm drafting!
I am a slow moving disciple of the Swami Procrastinate
If you can read this, your too close. (Written in Braille)
If you can read this, you're in phaser range
Too Close for Missiles, Switching to Guns
Do Not Tailgate, Or I Will Flick a Booger on your windshield!
I'm not in heat SO GET OFF MY TAIL!
If you come any closer, I'll eat you.
Back Off Or The Next Body In My Trunk Will Be Yours!
Get a little close. My brakes work real good and I need a new car.
Hope you're hungry cause you're about to eat my rear bumper.
I Don't Do 69 So Stop Trying To Eat My Ass!!!
If You Can Read This You're Close Enough To Get F----d.
The Driver Of This Car Is Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.
Pretend I'm A Nun And Back Your Ass Off.
I Drive Like A Nun Because I Am A Nun You Dumb Bastard.
I only have two speeds: Park and Bat-Outa-Hell.Wanna see how fast I can park?
I HATE TAILGATERS!!!But my 357 Magnum just loves them.
I use my finger to dial 911 only after I've pulled the trigger.
The last bastard that tailgated me bought me this car, and I'm ready for a different one.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
====================================
Sadie and Sophie are sitting at the kitchen table, bragging.
"My daughter lives in a penthouse apartment in Miami," says Sadie. "She goes out to dinner every night at a different restaurant, has beautiful furs and clothes, and
lots of boyfriends. "
Sophie replies, "Yeah, my daughter's a whore too."
========================================
One a day a man and his wife were watching their son playing with Army soldiers, when they heard him say, ''Look, Daddy, the Green soldiers just blew the Hell out
of the Tan soldiers.''
Shocked, the wife tells the boy to go to his room and think about what he just said.
A few minutes later the husband says to his wife, "How about me and you play soldiers, and you can blow the hell out of me?"
=================================
To the woman who stole my husband:
Thank you very much!
The joke is on you.
============================

bonyhadi · #3 (**permalink**) 09-15-2002, 07:53 AM

This is too funny!
Attachment 433k (video/x-ms-asf) Inlaws - Norwegian Airline.ASF
================================================== ===
A widower who never paid any attention to his wife while she
was alive now found himself missing her desperately. He
went to a psychic to see if he could contact his late wife.

The psychic went into a trance. A strange breeze wafted
through the darkened room, and suddenly, the man heard the
unmistakable voice of his dearly departed wife.

"Honey!" he cried. "Is that you?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes, my husband."

"Happier than you were with me?"

"Yes, my husband...much happier ! "

"Then Heaven must be an amazing place!"

"I'm not in Heaven, dear."
================================
SERIOUS SIGNS OF MENOPAUSE

1. You sell your home heating system at a yard sale.
2. Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you
shoot him.
3. You have to write post-it notes with your kids' names on them.
4. Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." And your reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie f---ing Nelson."
5. The Phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest.
6. You change your underwear after every sneeze.
7. You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales.
8. You suspect that most of your blouses have ' missing ' buttonholes.
===============================
ACADEMIC BULL**** PHRASES COMPLETED , , , , ,

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand
the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also
applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS
TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to get it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer glass.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED
BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER
INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you bull****.
============================
Smoking a cigarette shortens your life by 14 minutes However, and this is the good part having sex lengthens it by 12 minutes So smokers ... Screw for your lives!
=============================
THE TOP TEN SIGNS YOU MAY NOT BE THE PERFECT PARENT
------------------------------------------------
10. You're lobbying hard to get all three toddlers on the upcoming "Survivor:
Africa."

9. "Maybe you'd be more popular, son, if you were good at something."

8. You've earned "Platinum Preferred Guest" status on the Jerry Springer Show.

7. Not only is it unsafe to let little Jeremy drive at age 9, but the windows on the getaway car aren't even bulletproof.

6. Instead of spit and a handkerchief, you clean your kids' faces with turpentine and sandpaper -- because that's the way *your* father did it.

5. You suspect your son may not be getting the Ayatollah's full recommended daily allowance of floggings.

4. All of Bobby's teenaged friends hang at your place -- because you roll the best.

3. "Okay, okay! You can stay up to watch South Park. Now be a good girl and give Daddy back his Smith & Wesson."

2. Rather than spend money on expensive lessons, you teach little Suzy how to tap dance the old fashioned way... with a loaded revolver.

1. You keep confusing Similac with Sambuca.
===================================
This vehicle leased to: American Association for the Abolition of Acronym Abuse Regional Group Headquarters / Staff Transport Office Pool (AAAAARGH/STOP)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
=*= Top 10 Euphemisms for "Stupid" =*=

10. Routinely outsmarted by cheese
9. Three experts short of an antitrust suit
8. A few planets short of a federation
7. Backstreet Boy in a Talking Heads world
6. Duh! on parade
5. Still cutting with rounded scissors
4. At least one Brady short of a Bunch
3. Has a vacancy at the Grey Matter Motel
2. T minus dumb and counting and the Number 1 Euphemism for "Stupid"...
1. "Good afternoon, Boulder Colorado Homicide"
==================================
Southern California Freeway Schedule

Monday...............SMALL ARMS ONLY: .38 CAL. & under
Tuesday..............LADIES SHOTGUN DAY
Wednesday.........MEN'S LARGE CALIBER-SCOPED RIFLES ONLY
Thursday.............AUTOMATIC WEAPON DAY
Friday................CANNON & BAZOOKA DAY: HAND GRENADES OK
(MORNING ONLY)
Saturday.............MEN & WOMEN'S OPEN: COMPETITION FOR PRIZES (MOST CARS, HIGHEST TOTAL VALUE)
Sunday...............GUN CLEANING: OFF DAY-SLINGSHOTS, SQUIRT GUNS, GESTURES OF PROFANITY, NO
THROWN OBJECTS.

IF YOU'RE PLANNING A TRIP TO SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA, PLEASE ARM YOURSELF ACCORDING TO THE ABOVE
SCHEDULE. FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL SUSPEND YOU FROM FREEWAY USE. VIOLATIONS WILL RESULT IN
REVOCATION OF USE OF FREEWAYS AND PERMANENT PLACEMENT ON A LOS ANGELES RAPID TRANSIT
DISTRICT BUS.

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA FREEWAY AUTHORITY

1-800-SUR-SHOT

L.A./LONG BEACH..................1-213-TAR-GETS
SAN FERNANDO VALLEY.......1-818-BUL-LETS
ORANGE COUNTY..................1-714-HAN-GUNS
SAN DIEGO..............................1-619-WEA-PONS
========================================
Age and Womanhood"

1. Between the ages of 13 and 18, she is like Africa, virgin and unexplored.

2. Between the ages of 19 and 35, she is like Asia, hot and exotic.

3. Between the ages of 36 and 45, she is like America, fully explored, breathtakingly beautiful, and free with her resources.

4. Between the ages of 46 and 56, she is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

5. After 56 she is like Australia, everybody knows it's down there, but who gives a damn?
===============================
How many members of each astrological sign does it take to change a lightbulb?

Aries: Just one. You want to make something of it?

Taurus: One, but just TRY to convince them that the burned-out one is useless and should be thrown away.

Gemini: Two, but the job never gets done -- they just keep arguing about who is supposed to do it and how it's supposed to be done.

Cancer: Just one. But it takes a therapist three years to help them through the grief process.

Leo: Leos don't change lightbulbs, although sometimes their agent will get a Virgo in to do the job for them while they're out.

Virgo: Approximately 1.000000 with an error of +/- 1 millionth.

Libra: Er, two. Or maybe one. No, on second thought, make that two. Ummm, is that OK with you?

Scorpio: That secret information can only be shared with the Enlightened Ones in the Star Chamber of the Ancient Hierarchical Order.

Sagittarius: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned-out lightbulb?

Capricorn: I won't waste my time with these childish jokes.

Aquarius: Well, you have to remember that everything is energy, so.....

Pisces: Lightbulb? There's a lightbulb? What lightbulb?
========================================

bonyhadi · #4 (**permalink**) 09-15-2002, 07:55 AM

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do.
The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage.
The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second
dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours.
So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds that he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required
depth.
He calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.
Suddenly the man screams, "DAMN!"
"What's the matter?" asks the wife. "Did I hurt you?"
"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders!"
==================================
What do you call a Jewish woman's waterbed?
The Dead Sea.
~~~~~~~
Why don't cowboys make good lovers?
Because they think a good ride is eight seconds.
~~~~~~~
How can you tell if you're in a lesbian bar?
Even the pool table doesn't have any balls.
=================================
Two 80 year old geezers are driving down the road when they hear the
Ex-Lax commercial end with the statement: "It makes you feel young
again."

John looks at Sylvester and says, "We need to pull over and get a
bottle of that stuff!"

Sylvester agrees and the two old geezers pull over and get a bottle of
Ex-Lax. They both take two tablespoons each and continue to drive.

About one mile later Sylvester asks, "Well John, do you feel young
yet?"

"No," replies John.

So they pull over and take four more tablespoons a piece and continue
to drive down the road.

A couple of miles later, Sylvester asks, "John, do you feel younger?"

"No," replies John, "but I sure did a childish thing!"
====================================
Mrs. Jones had a feeling that her husband was cheating on her so
she got two of the kids from next door to spy on him and see if he
was cheating on her.
The two boys climbed up a tree and looked
onto Mrs. Jones's bedroom window and saw Mr. Jones having sex
with Miss Smith and went back and told Mrs. Jones what they saw.
It happened three times in one week which upset Mrs. Jones,
so she filed for divorce.
While in court the judge asked if Mrs. Jones had any witnesses, to
which she replied, "Yes, two boys from next door."
The judge asked one of the boys to explain what he saw.
He said, "Judge, I climbed up in the tree and saw Miss Smith and
Mr. Jones take off all there clothes and started ****-in."
With that the Judge got upset and said, "You can't use that language
in this court," and thru him out.
When he asked the second boy to explain what he saw, he told
him to explain to him without using the bad language.
"Well, Judge," he said, "There was Mr. Jones and Miss Smith in the
bedroom, and they took off all their clothes. There was ten toes up
and ten toes down, two big asses going round and round,
meat fly in and meat fly out, if that ain't ****-in you can kick me
out!"
==============
The Top 12 Non-Lethal Weapons Rejected by the Military...

-->Servo-Activated Tactical Banana Cream Pie

-->Platoons of mice duct-taped with tiny speakers blaring
Roseanne's rendition of "The Star-Spangled Banner"

-->Extra-itchy tags to plant in enemy underpants

-->A battalion of guys who go on and on about the dream they
had last night

-->.357 Poo Pistol

-->Nasal Attainment/Detention Device -- For deployment in
large scale "got your nose" assaults

-->Camel cigarettes (filterless)

-->Loud recitation of a list of funny hurricane names,
translated into the appropriate language

-->Nerf bayonets

-->Very, very slow bullets

-->The Greenpeace Petition Launcher

-->Bright white flags, waved briskly to blind the opposing
force
========================================
Only good girls keep diaries. Bad girls don't have time.
===================================
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the
wedding, they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the
new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks, "What are they doing, honey?"
The husband answers, "They're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex.
Again the bride asks, "What are they doing, honey?"
The husband answers, "They're roping!"
She replies, "Oh, I see!"
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get
ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each
other's body.
The bride discovers her husband's penis. "What is that?" she asks.
"That's my rope," he answers.
She slides her hands down further and gasps, "What are those?" she asks.
"They're my knots," he answers.
Finally the couple begins to make love.
After several minutes the bride says, "Stop honey, wait a minute!
Her husband asks, "What's the matter honey, am I hurting you?"
"No," the bride replies, "Undo those knots. I need more rope!"
=====================
A princess is walking along a pond in the royal gardens when she looks
down and sees a really ugly frog. Picking the frog up, she comments on
the creatures rather hideous appearance. Princess: "My, but you are
really an ugly frog!"

Frog: "I know, I know, I got a really bad spell on me."

Princess: "Well I've seen frogs with spells but, none as ugly as you."

Frog: "Look, leave me alone lady. I told you, it's a really bad spell."

Princess: "Well even so, if I kiss you will you turn into a prince?"

Frog: "I don't know lady, a spell this bad will probably take a blow job."
===============================
Hello my sex pot," breathed the obscene phone caller. " I know you are the
hottest woman in Dallas. If you can guess what's in my hand,
I'll give you a piece of the action."

"Listen Dude," drawled the lil' Texas lady, "If y'all can hold it in one
hand, I ain't the least bit interested...."
===============================
A dumb guy finds fifty cents in his couch at home. He is horny, so he
goes to the local whorehouse and tells the lady at the desk, "Give me
your best whore!" She yells upstairs, "Harry, grease up Sally!" and
says, "That'll be five hundred dollars, please." The man says, "Oh, I
don't have that much." The woman says, "Okay, then, Harry grease up
Monica! That'll be two hundred dollars, please." The guy says, "I don't
have that much." So the woman yells upstairs, "Harry, grease up
Shaniqua! That'll be fifty dollars, please." The guy says, "Oh, I don't
have that much." So the woman says, "Well, how much do you have?" He
says "Fifty cents."
So she yells upstairs "Harry, grease up!"
==================================
I DID NOT HEAR YOU~~~

It's springtime, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His legs are
wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his
eyes.
His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like
you were supposed to?"
He says, "Hibernate? I thought you said masturbate!"
================================
~~~NOT ALLOWED~~~

Doctor, kiss me.
The Doctor looks at her and says that it would be against his code of ethics to kiss her.
About 20 minutes later the woman again shouts out "Doctor, please, kiss me just once".
Again he refuses, apologetically, but says that as a doctor he simply cannot kiss her.
Finally another 15 minutes pass, and the woman pleads with the doctor; "Doctor, Doctor, please kiss me just once!!"
"Look" he says, "I am sorry. I just CANNOT kiss you. In fact, I probably shouldn't even be f--king you"
=====================
HEARING PROBLEM

A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife.
"Doctor, I think my wife is getting deaf because she never hears me
the first time and always I have to repeat things."

"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 25 feet from her and say something to her in a normal tone of voice. If she doesn't reply move
about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

So the husband goes home and does exactly as the doctor instructed. He starts off about 25 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some
vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply.
He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an 6 inches away from her ear, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
=====================
DATING HINTS FOR GENTLEMEN

There are LOTS of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things
NOT to say on a date...

* Nice outfit. Is that a wonder-bra?

* I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I
wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

* No wine for me tonight. My urologist says it's not good to
mix alcohol and penicillin.

* I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

* People say I remind them of Eddie Haskell.

* I used to come here all the time with my ex.

* I never said you NEED a nose job. I just said it wouldn't
hurt to consider it.

* Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't
hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

* I like clay. It's mushy.

* I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used
to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

* And I won that trophy in the inter-fraternity belching contest.

* It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people
I date just won't be as smart as I am.

bonyhadi · #5 (**permalink**) 09-15-2002, 07:58 AM

Upon returning to their car from a shopping tour, one of the young
ladies realized that she had forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her
birth control pills. She rushed into the nearest pharmacy and gave her
prescription to the pharmacist.
"Please fill this immediately," she said. "I've got people
waiting in my car!"
===========================
One night, this guy come into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
Then he asks for another. After a couple more drinks, the bartender
gets worried."What's the matter?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy, "and now she
isn't talking to me for a whole 31 days."
The bartender thought about this for a while. "But, isn't it a good
thing that she isn't talking to you?" asked the bartender.
"Yeah, except that THIS is the last day!" he muttered.
========================
The judge asked the woman why she wanted a divorce:
there was no sign that the husband was cruel, or wandering,
or any of the usual things that lead to this situation.

The woman replied that she was seeking the divorce on grounds of
hobosexuality.

The judge, trying to stifle his laughter, asked,
"Don't you mean homosexuality?"

"No!" she replied, "I mean hobosexuality... he's a bum lay!"
======================
Mickey and Minnie Mouse were at court for divorce proceedings.
The judge told Mickey, "Look here Mickey Mouse, I can't grant you
a divorce from Minnie!"Mickey Mouse was stunned and asked, "Why
not??!!"
The Judge said, "I've reviewed all the information you gave to
the court, but I can't find any evidence at all to support the
grounds that she is crazy!"
Mickey Mouse says, "Your Honor! I didn't say she was CRAZY, I
said she was f---ing Goofy!"
=========================
A doctor at an (insane) asylum, decided to take his inmates to a
baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to
respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything
seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor
yelled, "Up nuts!"
And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled,
"Down Nuts!"
And they all sat. After a home run he yelled, "Cheer nuts!" And they
all broke into applause and cheers.
Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and
a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned there
was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what
happened. The assistant replied, "Well...everything was fine until
some guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
=======================
In this age of safe sex the need for condoms are a must but some people
still have a difficult time buying them. Take my friend, Joe.
Our local store carries condoms behind the counter and you need
to ask the salesperson to get them.
So Joe went up to the salesperson, but he was so nervous he could only
ask where the straws were.
So he bought the straws and left only to have to come back to buy his
condoms.
Again Joe came into the store and was still so nervous he could only
ask where the tweezers were, so he bought a pair of tweezers and left.
Joe once again had to go back and buy his condoms. He went up to
the salesperson and said, in a low tone,
"I need some condoms." The salesperson rang up the
sale and said,
"First you come in to buy straws, then to buy tweezers,
and now to buy condoms."
"What I want to know is..... are you going to
suck it, pluck it, or f--k it?"
=========================
There was a case in one hospital's Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m., regardless of
their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery... as to why the deaths
occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays.
So a World-Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all
doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11... Pookie Johnson, the
part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
======================================
She was only the...

Admiral's Daughter, But Her Naval Base Was Always Full Of Discharged
Seamen!

Astronaut's Daughter, But She Knew How To Take Off.

Athlete's Daughter, But She Was Always Ready To Play Ball.

Australian's daughter, but she often got explored Down Under.

Aviarist's Daughter But She Liked A Cockatoo.

bonyhadi · #6 (**permalink**) 09-15-2002, 08:00 AM

===============================
A man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a
cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. As they
walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy
gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (No pun intended,
really!)He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand and both
feet, grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand, obviously excited

at the pretty lady in the wavy dress. The husband, noticing the
excitement, thinks this is funny.

He suggests his wife tease the poor fellow some more. The husband
suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.
She does so, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that
would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to
show a little more skin. She does so and, again, the gorilla is about
to tear the bars down.Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and
sort of fan it at him, he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely
crazy. Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door
to the cage,slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door
shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache!"
=====================
Teaching Math in 1950:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1960:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80.
What is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970:
A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the
elements of the set "M." The set "C", the cost of production contains 20 fewer points than set "M."
Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following
question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" of profits?

Teaching Math in 1980:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100.
His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20.
Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990:
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living?
Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the
forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees?
(There are no wrong answers.)

Teaching Match in 2000:
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of
production is $120. How does Arthur Andersen determine that his profit
margin is $60? And how many documents were shredded to achieve
this number?

Teaching Math in 2010:
El Logero se habla con el truckero y se
ponen de acuerdo con otro driver de la competencia y
=========================================
Top 10 signs you're grandparents are still sexually active....
10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.
9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.
8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of "denture-burn."
7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.
6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.
5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa's crotch and claps twice.
4. Your "Grandma" is Anna Nicole Smith.
3. You've just seen gandma's photo in the "Beaver Hunt" sectionof Hustler.
2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.And the Number One Sign Your Grandparents are still sexually active.....
1. Their Kraft-matic adjustable bed is set for "doggy style."
=======================================
A sweet, beautiful young would-be starlet comes to Hollywood to seek her fame and fortune. At her first power cocktail party she goes to the host and asks him. .
"Who's the most powerful man in the room?"
"That would be Jerry, over there by the caviar," he says.
The young woman walks over to Jerry and says, "Excuse me, Jerry,would you mind stepping back behind this column? I'd like to talk to you."
Jerry and the girl step behind the column and she says, "Jerry... I'm gonna unzip your fly, take out your cock, and give you the best blow job you ever had...!"
Jerry smiles slightly and says, "Well, okay. But...... what's in it for me?"
===============================
Only a mediocre person is ever at their best.

The first half of life is ruined by our parents, the second half by children.

Our program, who art in memory, EXE be thy name...Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex

Public opinion flourishes where there are no ideas.

Question authority, but not mine.

Some people are discovered, others are found out.

The best government teaches us to govern ourselves.The best way to get ahead is to use the one you've got.

The longer the title, the less important the job.

The old make the rules, the young make up the exceptions.The only road to success is always under construction.

Tourists: The only foreigners the French ever drove out.

Trust G-d, but always tie and watch your camel all night.

Women do come with instructions, ask them!
=================================
HUSBAND VS.WIFE

He wears the pants in the house, under his apron.
He has two chances of winning an argument with her: slim and none.
She leads a double life: hers and his.
He comes right out and says what she tells him to think.
She does not have to raise the roof; all she has to do is raise an eyebrow.
He always has the last word. He says, "I apologize."
He was a man about town; she has turned him into a mouse around the house.
The last big decision she let him make was whether to wash or to dry.
He put a ring on her finger, and she put one through his nose.
He was a dude before marriage; now he is subdued.
He married her for her looks, but not the kind he's getting now.
She lost her thumb in an accident and sued for $100,000 because it was the thumb she had him under.
She even complains about the noise he makes..when he is fixing his own breakfast.
He goes to a woman dentist. It's a relief to be told by a female to open
his mouth instead of to shut it.
Every once in a while she comes to him on her bended knees; and she dares him to come out from under the bed.
=======================
When someone says, "It ain't the money; it's the principle of the thing," you'd better know it's the money.
=========================
A husband and wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country
club. The man and woman meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The
man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards.
The golf pro says not bad.
Golfpro: "Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's breasts".
The man follows instructions and hits the ball 300 yards.
The golf pro says "Excellent!"
Now the woman takes her turn.
Her ball goes 30 yards.
Golfpro: "Not bad, try holding the club like you hold your husbands dick."
She swings and the ball goes 10 yards.
Golfpro:

"Not bad, but now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."
================
Steve and Cliff are having this talk. Steve says, "My wife lets me
subscribe to National Geographic and Playboy Magazines for the same
reason."
Cliff says, "Why?"
Steve says, " Cuz with both magazines, I get to see places I'll never
get to visit."
===================

bonyhadi · #7 (**permalink**) 09-15-2002, 08:07 AM

ORGASM TYPES

Sex in a boat = Oargasms
Sex with a nerd = Dorkgasms
Sex at the entrance to your house = Doorgasms
Sex on the carpet or linoleum = Floorgasms
Sex at the supermarket = Storegasms
Sex with wild pigs = Boargasms
Sex at a Stephen King movie = Horrorgasms
Sex with a prostitute = Whoregasms
Sex with a storyteller = Loregasms
Sex with an accountant = Boregasms
Sex while sleeping = Snoregasms
Sex with Arthur = Dudley Mooregasms
Sex with cartoon donkeys = Eeyoregasms
Sex while broke = Poorgasms
Sex with a lion = Roargasms
Sex for hours and hours on end = Soregasms
Sex on a golf course = Foregasms
Sex with a nymphomaniac = Ready for Moregasms
Sex in a gold mine = Oregasms
Sex with a dermatologist = Poregasms
Sex with the vice president = Al Goregasms
Sex with chocolate marshmallows = S'moregasms
Sex with a bullfighter = Toreadorgasms
Sex with a masked man carrying a sword = Zorogasms
Sex on the beach = Shoregasms
Sex when you get an award = Honogasms
Sex at an all you can eat buffet = Smorgasbordgasms
Sex on a cruise ship deck = Shuffleboardgasms
Sex in Asia = Singaporegasms
Sex among the wonders of the world = Outdoorgasms
Sex in the vicinity of garbage can = odorgasms
Sex on the way to the train = All aboardgasms
Sex that isn't very satisfying = there's the doorgasms
Sex during hay fever season = Sporegasms
Sex using plastic cutlery = Sporkgasms
Sex with a Medieval poet = Troubadorgasms
Sex in an adult theater = Hardcoregasms
Sex with conquering Spaniards = Conquistadorgasms
Sex with someone not paying attention = Ignorgasms
Sex with a competitive partner = scoregasms
Sex in a firehouse = Firedoorgasms
Sex with an Icelandic singer = Bjorkgasms
Sex with the host of a horrible t.v. show = Pauly Shoregasms
Sex with a cookie = Oreogasms
Sex while flying = Soargasms
Sex with a bugle player = Horngasms
Sex with an astronaut who didn't make it into space = Abortgasms
Sex with a beloved partner = Adoregasms
Sex with a meat eater = Carnivoregasms
Sex with a person who's got a really bad hairdo = Pompadoregasms
Sex with someone who has really bad taste in clothes = Velourgasms
Sex while sightseeing = Tourgasms
Sex with a big dog = Labradorgasms
Sex with Beavs and Butthead = Gonnascoregasms
Sex during an earthquake = Tremorgasms
Sex on farm implements = Tractorgasms
Sex with Thomas Edison = Inventorgasms
Sex with a construction worker = Contractorgasms
Sex at a symphony orchestra = Conductorgasms
Sex with a person who examines dead bodies = Coronergasms
Sex on the stairs at the mall = Escalatorgasms
Sex while hopelessly drunk on shooters = Liquorgasms
Sex with a possessive partner = Yourgasms
Sex with Frankenstein's assistant = Igorgasms
Sex with three of your friends = Fourgasms
Sex with a Norse God = Thorgasms
Sex when resistance is futile = Borggasms
Sex without a climax = Nogasms
===============================
There was a young man from Kent
Whose tool was so long that it bent
To save himself trouble
He put it in double
And instead of coming, he went.
=========================
There was a young lady from Exeter
So pretty the men strained their necks at her
But one was so brave
To pull out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.

There once was a man from Van Isle
Who said jogging just wasn't his style.
"I'll get my workouts," he said,
"At home, in my bed,
'Cause a Miss is as good as a mile!"

There was a young fellow named Gary,
Who was elated when he got a cherry,
The cherry said she,
He got from a tree,
She wondered what made him so merry!

There was a young girl from the valley,
Who went by the name of Sweet Sally,
She was very nice,
And she got her price,
But she did it all from the alley!
=======================
Ever wonder where the word **** comes from? Well, here it is:

Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything was years
ago) by ship. In dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once
water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of
fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could
(and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the
first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was discovered
what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always
stamped with the term "S.H.I.T" on them which meant to the sailors to
"Ship High In Transit." In other words, high enough off the lower decks
so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile
cargo and start the production of methane.

Bet you didn't know the history of that word.
=============================
The Height Of All Emotions

Height of Patience: A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under
a banana tree.
Height of Frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
Height of Innocence: A teenager girl applying Clearasil to her nipples.
Height of Unemployment: Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.
Height of Laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake
to do the rest.
Height of Competition: A guy peeing beside a waterfall.
Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw.
Height of Disgust: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger
pokes through the paper.
Height of Technology: Condom with a zipper.
Height of Trouble: A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass
itching.
==========================
An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one
night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the
bathroom, flings open her robe and yells:
"Super *****!"
The old man says: "I'll have the soup."
=======================
MALE DICTIONARY FOR FEMALES
1."I'm going fishing" -
Means.. "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a
stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete
safety"
2. "It's a guy thing" -
Means.. "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and
you have no chance at all of making it logical".
3. "Can I help with dinner?" -
Means.. "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"
4. "Uh huh", "Sure honey," or "Yes dear" -
Means.. Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response.
5. "It would take too long to explain" -
Means.. "I have no idea how it works".
6. "We're going to be late" -
Means.. "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac".
7. "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind"
Means.. "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a
bra".
8. "Take a break honey, you're working too hard" -
Means.. "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner".
9. "That's interesting dear" -
Means.. "Are you still talking?"
10."It's a really good movie" -
Means.. "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women".
11."That's women's work" -
Means.. "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless".
12."You know how bad my memory is" -
Means.. "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the
first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of
every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday or our
anniversary."
13."I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses" -
Means.. "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe".
14."Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal" -
Means.. "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
before I admit I'm hurt".
==================

bonyhadi · #8 (**permalink**) 09-15-2002, 08:12 AM

Beetle Bailey Flag
http://www.beetlebailey.com/images/flag.swf
=============================================
A man walked into a bar and said to the bartender, "Give me a shot of
that green **** you have over there."
The bartender said, "I don't know about that, sir, it's pretty strong."
The man replied, "Good, give me two shots. I just found out my older
son's gay."
The bartender understood and gave the man two shots of the green ****.
The next night the same man walked into the bar and said, "Give me four
shots of that green **** from last night."
The bartender said, "Are you sure about that?" The man said, "Yes, I just found out that my younger son is gay."
The bartender understood and gave him four shots of the green ****.
Then the next night the man went back to the bar and said, "Give me eight shots of that green ****."
The bartender said, "I don't think I can do that."
The man said, "Please, I had a horrible day."
The bartender said, "Doesn't anyone in your family eat *****?"
The man said, "Yeah, my wife."
=======================
Horses in the race are: 1. Passionate Lady 2. Bare Belly 3. Silk Panties
4. Conscience 5. Jockey Shorts 6. Clean Sheets 7. Thighs 8. Big Dick 9.
Heavy Bosom 10. Merry Cherry
The Race starts! They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post.
Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being
pressured.
Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Dick is in a very
dangerous spot. At the Halfway Mark It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs open
and Big Dick is pressed in. Heavy Bosom is being pushed hard against Clean
Sheets.
Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Merry Cherry
is under terrific pressure from Big Dick. At The Stretch Merry Cherry
cracks under the strain. Big Dick is making a final drive. Big Dick is
in and Passionate Lady is coming. At The Finish Its Big Dick giving
everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Dick has to
offer. It looks like a dead heat but Big Dick comes through with one final
squirt and wins by a head. Bare Belly shows. Heavy Bosom weakens and Thighs
pulls up.
Clean Sheets never had a chance ....
==============================

bonyhadi · #9 (**permalink**) 09-15-2002, 08:14 AM

Ever wonder where the word **** comes from? Well, here it is:

Certain types of manure used to be transported (as everything was years
ago) by ship. In dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once
water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of
fermentation began again, of which a byproduct is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could
(and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the
first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was discovered
what was happening. After that, the bundles of manure were always
stamped with the term "S.H.I.T" on them which meant to the sailors to
"Ship High In Transit." In other words, high enough off the lower decks
so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile
cargo and start the production of methane.

Bet you didn't know the history of that word.
=============================
The Height Of All Emotions

Height of Patience: A naked woman lying down with her legs apart under
a banana tree.
Height of Frustration: A boxer trying to scratch his balls.
Height of Innocence: A teenager girl applying Clearasil to her nipples.
Height of Unemployment: Cobwebs in the hole of the prostitute.
Height of Laziness: A guy lying on a girl and waiting for an earthquake
to do the rest.
Height of Competition: A guy peeing beside a waterfall.
Height of Sophistication: Sucking nipples with a straw.
Height of Disgust: While wiping after a good toilet dump, your finger
pokes through the paper.
Height of Technology: Condom with a zipper.
Height of Trouble: A one handed man hanging from a cliff and his ass
itching.
==========================
An old man and an old lady are getting ready for bed one
night when all of a sudden the woman bursts out of the
bathroom, flings open her robe and yells:
"Super *****!"
The old man says: "I'll have the soup."
=======================
MALE DICTIONARY FOR FEMALES
1."I'm going fishing" -
Means.. "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a
stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete
safety"
2. "It's a guy thing" -
Means.. "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and
you have no chance at all of making it logical".
3. "Can I help with dinner?" -
Means.. "Why isn't dinner already on the table?"
4. "Uh huh", "Sure honey," or "Yes dear" -
Means.. Absolutely nothing; it is a conditioned response.
5. "It would take too long to explain" -
Means.. "I have no idea how it works".
6. "We're going to be late" -
Means.. "Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac".
7. "I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind"
Means.. "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a
bra".
8. "Take a break honey, you're working too hard" -
Means.. "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner".
9. "That's interesting dear" -
Means.. "Are you still talking?"
10."It's a really good movie" -
Means.. "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women".
11."That's women's work" -
Means.. "It's difficult, dirty, and thankless".
12."You know how bad my memory is" -
Means.. "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the
first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of
every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday or our
anniversary."
13."I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses" -
Means.. "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe".
14."Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal" -
Means.. "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death
before I admit I'm hurt".
==================
TO MY DEAR WIFE: During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten
days. The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to mess up your new hairdo
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because:
6 times you just laid there
8 times you reminded me there's a crack in the ceiling
4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with
7 times I had to wake you and tell you I was finished
1 time I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc. on TV
Of the times we did get together:
The reason I laid still was because you missed and were screwing the sheets.
I wasn't talking about the crack in the ceiling, what I said was, "Would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
======================
The owner of a golf course in Alabama was confused about paying an
invoice, so he decided to ask his blonde secretary for some
mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said,
"You graduated from the University of Florida. If I were to give you
$20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, then replied,
"Everything but my earrings."
======================
She was only the...

Barman's Daughter, But She Knew How To Pull Them.

Blacksmith's Daughter, But She Knew How To Forge Ahead.

Bookbinder's Daughter, But She Knew Her Way Between The Sheets.

Bootleggers Daughter, But I Loved Her Still.

Bricklayer's Daughter, But She Was Certainly Stacked.

Butcher's Daughter, But There Wasn't Much More She Could Loin.

She was only the...

Dentist's daughter, but everybody wanted to fill her cavity.

Dentist's Daughter, But She Had The Nicest Set Of Teeth I Ever Came
Across!

Detective's Daughter, But She Was Fond Of Dicks.

Doctor's Daughter, But She Really Knew How To Operate.

Draughtman's Daughter, But She Never Knew Where To Draw The Line.
======================
A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he
stepped inside. There was nobody in sight, and nothing there but an
empty bare hallway, with 2 doors reading "Over 35" and "Under 35".

He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said "Over 35". He
found himself in another empty hallway, this one with 2 doors that
read, "Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches".

Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches" door and found
himself in another empty hall, with 2 more doors reading, "Once a
night" and "Over 4 times a night".

Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night"
and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is:
"Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed".
=====================
* Interorgasm *
http://www.ratedtoons.com/flash/Interorgasm.cfm

bonyhadi · #10 (**permalink**) 09-15-2002, 08:16 AM

Most Recent Darwins
They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honor given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing
themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine which toppled over on top of him as he was
attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees are:

9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not
surprisingly, this concoction made him ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and
his sister.

8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6' 2" tall and weighed 225
pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform
look. He was also wearing a military gas mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected
to one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown, and was the
cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.

7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other
plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon
arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around
his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the police made a closer inspection of the couch,
and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man
had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons).
According to the story, after his orgasm the seminal fluid shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.

5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a
commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her
Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the
woman lost her own.

4. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County
police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake
Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby.
"The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause
of death was "Major trauma".

3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a
future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential
sources of ignition; lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building,
they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians
reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded,
sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected
of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by his peers.

1. Based on a bet by the other members of his foursome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again
that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his
buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who
immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot
higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall, and one
testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing
of the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and
was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.
===================================

=

I turn on my computer and I'm looking for some action.
I see my online lover and beg for satisfaction.
We go to a private room and you know what happens next.
We think and type and talk about different kinds of sex. Just about 9 days pass and I find I'm feeling ill.
Maalox, Pepto NOTHING will make my stomach chill.
I mention it to my online love & we try to figure it out.
A few more days have passed & my stomach's sticking out!

So, now my head is spinning I don't know what to do.
I'm having sex with no one, EXCEPT...my online boo.
No, wait just a minute. Please tell me this can't be!
He cannot get me pregnant by having cyber sex with me!

I call the local clinic and explain the situation.
All the nurses laugh at me, I'm crying in frustration.
My stomach's getting bigger with every passing day.
Who would have thought you could get pregnant this way?

A pregnancy test was taken, it came back with a yes.
I Instant messaged my online lover and put him to the test.
I told him of my feelings and all my gaining weight.
I told him we were parents and gave him my due date.

When all the shock was over, he gave me an online *kiss*.
He told me that he loved me & he'd help me get through this.
My stomach starts to ache I go run to my mom.
I feel the need and start to push & out pops a CD ROM!!

I put it in the computer and while I wait, I pace.
When soon on my computer, comes a beautiful baby's face!
You know this story's fiction but before you take a risk,
put on a cyber condom...before you get some cyber dick!
It seemed soooo real : )

bonyhadi · #11 (**permalink**) 09-15-2002, 08:18 AM

DIFFICULT WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK.
Specificity
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon
British Constitution

IMPOSSIBLE WORDS TO SAY WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK
Thanks, but I don't want sex.
No, I don't want another drink.
No kebab for me thank you.
Sorry, but you're not good looking enough for me.
Good evening officer
I'm not interested in fighting you.
No one wants to hear me sing.
===================
A happy couple went on a cruise for their honeymoon. The couple'sconversation headed towards political and international events. The husband asked, "Honey,
what do you think about the Middle East position?"
His wife replied, "I don't know, Dear. Have we already tried it?"
======================
This lady goes to the gynecologist but won't reveal to the receptionist what's wrong with her, just that she must see a doctor right away. After hours of waiting, her
name is called, and she's taken to the examination room.
The doctor asks, "Okay, My Good Woman, what is your problem?"
"Well, she says, my husband is a very compulsive gambler and every nickel he can get his hands on he gambles. I have scrimped and saved every dollar I could to
save up $500. I didn't know a safe hiding place, so I stuffed it up my vagina. But now I can't get it out!"
The doctor says, "Don't be nervous, I see things like this all the time." He asks her to remove her clothes and sit on the edge of the examination table with her legs
apart. As he's putting on his rubber gloves, he glances up at her and asks, "I only have one question. What am I looking for? Bills or loose change?"
==========================
Josh had always been a big fan of Walt Disney. He saw every film that the DisneyStudios put out. So it was no surprise when he headed to Disneyland looking for a
jobas a tour guide. And his interview went something like this:
Interviewer, "So why would you like to work for us?"
Josh, "I've been a big fan for many years. I reckon that I know as much about your characters as anyone. I'd make an exceptionally good tour guide."
Interviewer, "Tell you what. If you can answer 3 questions, I won't just hire you, I'll give you the job of Head Tour Guide."
Josh, "Sounds great!"
Interviewer, "First Question: Who is Mickey Mouse's girlfriend?"
Josh, "Minnie Mouse."
Interviewer, "Second Question: Name our 2 most famous dogs."
Josh, "Pluto and Goofy."
Interviewer, "Very Good. Speaking of dogs, I assume you saw the movie 101 Dalmatians?"
Josh, "Sure did."
Interviewer, "Okay, name them."
==============================================
Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting. "My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather
screw a woman with a trim figure," she lamented to the woman next to her.
"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that? You'll feel better, too."
"You don't understand. He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."
========================
Sexual EmoticonsYou have seen emoticon tits, and asses. Now it is time for you to take a gander at the Penises...
8> A Cold dick

8===> A Hot dick

C==(( ) Cave man dick (side view)

( .|=|. ) Tit screwing

} top view of a senior citizen's hard-on

:-) -: Smilie with an erection

:-( :- Impotent (Or let down).

:-( -8 Blue balls.

;-) o===8 Braggart.

:-\ 8o After a cold shower.

;-) ===8 Circumcised.

8-O --* Just before doubling over with pain.

:-) -^-: In need of some corrective surgery.

:-) :-... Taking a leak.

:-} -oo-: Taking matters into hand.

:-o ^^: After zipping up fly too fast.

B=D Short penis

B~~D Limp penis

B==Q Prince Albert penis

-> teeny pee pee

==========================
Her Side of the Story:

He was in an odd mood Sunday night. We planned to meet at a bar for a drink. I spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and
I thought it might have been my fault because I was a bit later than I promised, but he didn't say anything much about it.
The conversation was very slow-going, so I thought we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately.
We went to this restaurant and he was STILL acting a bit funny. I tried to cheer him up and started to wonder whether it was
me or something else. I asked him, and he said no. But I wasn't really sure. So anyway, in the car on the way back home, I
said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm around me. I didn't know what the hell that meant because you know he
didn't say it back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to leave me! So I tried to get
him to talk but he just switched on the TV. Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed.
Then after about 10 minutes, he joined me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so
afterwards I just wanted to confront him, but I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what to do anymore. I mean, I
really think he's seeing someone else.
****************************
His Side of the Story:

The Yankees lost. Got laid though.
======================================
Business ideas that somehow failed...

GERIATRIC CITY
Quality housing for older citizens that couldn't attract retirees,
despite the mirrored bedroom ceilings, the hot tubs, the adjacent
burial plots
and other amenities.

PUMP AND HUMP
A Nevada brothel that offered self-service gasoline to its customers.

STICKY WICKETS
Preowned erotica for sale at attractive discount prices.

HAIR AND NOW
Fast, inexpensive hair replacement using cat fur and thumb tacks.

PARADISE LOST AND FOUND
A gynecological clinic franchise specializing in "50,000 mile
tune-ups."

UNIX FOR HIRE
A computer consulting firm that just couldn't build a long-term
customer base.

IN THE CLOSET
A line of closet organizers that never caught on with young marrieds
and new homeowners.

SCRATCH AND SNIFF
A new medication for hemorrhoids...available in all your favorite
fragrances
================================================== ===========

Useless Penis Facts

Actual amount of semen per ejaculation: 1-2 teaspoons
Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his lifetime: 7,200
Average # of times he will ejaculate from masturbation: 2,000 Average total amount of lifetime ejaculate: 14 gallons
Average amount of water it takes to fill a bathtub: 35gallons Average speed of ejaculation: 28 miles per hour
Average speed of a city bus: 25 miles per hour
Average # of calories in a teaspoon of semen: 7
Average # of calories in a can of Dr. Pepper: 150
Average length of penis when not erect: 3.5 inches
Average length when erect: 5.1
Smallest natural penis recorded: 5/8 of an inch
Largest natural penis recorded: 11 inches
Largest penis in the animal kingdom: 11 feet (blue whale)
Height from court floor to the rim of a basketball hoop: 10 feet
Most arousing time of day/season for a man: Early morning/fall
Best ways to improve sexual function: quit smoking, start exercising, lose weight
Foods that improve sex life: oysters, lean meat, seafood, whole grains, wheat germ
Percent of men who say they masturbate: 60%
Percent of men who say they masturbate at least once a day: 54%
Percent of men who say they feel guilty masturbating that often: 41%
Amount of time needed for a man to regain erection: from 2 min to 2 weeks
Average # of erections per day for a man: 11
Average # of erections during the night: 9
Distance sperm travels to fertilize an egg: 3-4 inches
The human equivalent: 26 miles (a marathon distance)
Time it takes the sperm: 2.5 seconds
Time it takes an average person to complete a marathon: 4 hours
Sperm life: 2 1/2 months (from development to ejaculation)
Shelf life of a Hostess Twinkie: 7 years
Cost of a year's supply of condoms: $100
Thickness of the average condom: .07 mm
Thickness of super-thin condoms: .05 mm
Thickness of plastic wrap: .0127 mm
# of times condoms are thicker that plastic wrap: Almost 6
In general, the taste of a man's semen varies with his diet.Some say that the alkaline-based foods (fish and some meats)
produce a buttery or fishy taste.Dairy products can create a foul taste; the taste of semen after eating asparagus is said to
be the foulest.
Acidic fruits and alcohol (except processed liquors) give it a pleasant and sugary taste. Examples: oranges, mangos, kiwi,
lemons, grapefruit, limes, Labatt Blue, Honey Brown, etc. (drinking a Corona with lime is double the fun)
Odors that increase blood flow to the penis: lavender, licorice, chocolate, doughnuts, pumpkin pie.
Yes, the penis does shrink in the shower.
It is common for men to wake up with 'morning wood,' a name for an a.m. erection.
Blue balls, or the term a man uses when he says his balls will explode if he doesn't have sex, is totally false.
==================================
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she
sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears...

"You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side . . .
You know what?"

"What my dear?" she gently asked, smiling and leaning closer as her
heart filled with warmth.

"You're bad luck, get the **** away from me."
================

bonyhadi · #12 (**permalink**) 09-15-2002, 08:22 AM

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has no
heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative,
has no brains.

- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)
==========================================
Lawyer One Liners

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!

Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.

Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.

Q: What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A: Cut the rope.

Q: Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
A1: Take your foot off his head.
A2: No.
Good!

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of ****?
A: The bucket.

Q: What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q: What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A: There was an empty seat.

Q: What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A: Stick his bill up his ass.

Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night.

Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties?
A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins.

Q. What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
A. When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance.

Q. How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Q: If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Longer One...

A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked "How much is 2+2?"
The housewife replies: "Four!".
The accountant says: "I think it's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures through my spreadsheet one more time."
The lawyer pulls the drapes, dims the lights and asks in a hushed voice, "How much do you want it to be?"
===========================

Baby Boomers, The 1960s vs. the 2000s

Then: Long Hair
Now: Longing for hair.

Then: The perfect high.
Now: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

Then: Keg.
Now: EKG.

Then: Acid Rock.
Now: Acid Reflux.

Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's warm.

Then: You're growing pot.
Now: Your growing pot.

Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children/Grandchildren.

Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

Then: Seeds and stems.
Now: Roughage.

Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.
Now: Popping joints.

Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

Then: Paar.
Now: AARP.

Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
Now: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

Then: Killer weed.
Now: Weed killer.

Then: Hoping for a BMW.
Now: Hoping for a BM.

Then: The Grateful Dead.
Now: Dr. Kevorkian.

Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
Now: Getting a new hip joint.

Then: Rolling Stones.
Now: Kidney stones.

Then: Being called into the principal's office.
Now: Calling the principal's office.

Then: Screw the system!
Now: Upgrade the system.

Then: Peace sign.
Now: Mercedes logo.

Then: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
Now: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

Then: Take acid.
Now: Take antacid.

Then: Passing the driver's test.
Now: Passing the vision test.

Then: "Whatever"
Now: "Depends"
===================================
Diploma (Give someone a diploma from Schmuck Universary)
http://www.schmucku.com/diploma.html
============================

AS YOU KNOW, THERE IS A CERTAIN GROUP, CASTE, OR RELIGION IN
INDIA WHERE THE WOMEN HAVE A RED SPOT ON THEIR FOREHEAD.
YOU HAVE PROBABLY WONDERED WHAT THIS IS FOR.

THE ANSWER IS VERY SIMPLE.

WHEN THEY GET MARRIED THEIR
HUSBAND GETS TO SCRATCH IT OFF TO SEE IF HE WON A

CONVENIENCE STORE, GAS STATION OR A MOTEL IN AMERICA!
===============================================
There were two gay guys living together.
One was more feminine and the other more masculine.
The masculine one lacked chest hair and it seemed to become a real
problem for him. So, one day he decided to visit the doctor to see why

he had no chest hair and if there was something he could do about it.

Well, the doctor said there was nothing wrong with the guy,
and really the only thing he could try to stimulate hair growth
was to smooth Vaseline all over his chest daily and perhaps the
skin would become stimulated enough to produce hair.

The masculine homosexual was elated. He went immediately
home and smothered his chest in V-gel. When his partner came home and
jumped into bed with him, he felt the Vaseline and asked,
"What in the hell are you doing?"

The masculine one explained what the doctor said and waited for comment
from his partner.

Finally, his partner said,
"Don't you think if that was true that you would have a pony tail
coming out of your ass by now?"
==========================
Beer ~vs~ *****
A beer is always wet.
A ***** needs encouragement.
Advantage: Beer.
A beer tastes horrible served hot.
A ***** tastes better served hot.
Advantage: *****.
Having an ice cold beer makes you satisfied.
Having an ice cold ***** makes you Hillary Clinton.
Advantage: Beer.
Beers have commercials making fun of skunky ones.
***** does not.
Advantage: Draw.
If you get a hair in your teeth consuming *****, you are not disgusted.
Advantage: *****
24 beers come in a box.
A ***** is a box you can come in.
Advantage: *****.
Too much head makes you mad at the person giving you a beer.
Advantage: *****.
If a beer is brewed with yeast, it is still edible.
Advantage: Beer.
If you come home smelling like beer, The Woman may get mad.
If you come home smelling like *****, she will definitely get mad.
Advantage: Beer.
6 beers in a night and you better not drive.
6 pussies in a night and you have done all the driving you need.
Advantage: *****
Buy too much beer and you will get fat.
Buy too much ***** and you will get poor.
Advantage: Draw
It is socially acceptable to have a beer in the stands at a football game.
You are a legend if you have a ***** in the stands at a football game.
Advantage: *****
If a cop smells beer on your breath, you are going to get a breathalyzer.
If a cop smells ***** on your breath, you are going to get a high five.
Advantage: *****
With beer, bigger is better.
Advantage: beer.
Wearing a condom does not make a beer any less enjoyable.
Advantage: beer.
***** can make you see G-d.
Beer can make you see the porcelain G-d.
Advantage: *****
If you think all day about the next ***** you will have, you are normal.
If you think all day about your next beer, you are an alcoholic.
Advantage: *****
Peeling labels off of beers is fun.
Peeling panties off of ***** is more fun.
Advantage: *****.
If you try to snag a beer at work, you get fired.
If you try to snag a ***** at work, you get hit with sexual harassment.
Advantage: Draw
If you suddenly drop a beer, it may break.
If you suddenly drop a *****, it may hunt you down like the dog you are.
Advantage: Beer.
If you change to another beer, your old brand will gladly have you back.
Advantage: beer.
The best ***** you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: *****.
The worst ***** you have ever had is not gone once you have enjoyed it.
Advantage: Beer.
Bad beer: Schlitz, Pabst Blue Ribbon, Old Swill.
Bad *****: Roseanne, Janet Reno, Madeline Albright.
Advantage: Draw
Good beer: Guinness, Sam Adams, Killian's Red
Good *****: Almost all but the above.
Advantage: *****.
The government taxes beer.
Advantage: *****.
It's a close call, but the numbers never lie.
Advantage: *****.

bonyhadi · #13 (**permalink**) 09-15-2002, 08:23 AM

====================
Advice From Women To Men
1. The reason why our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually change our underwear.
2. The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet rim.
3. If we're watching football with you--it's not bonding--it's their butts.
4. Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.
5. Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
6. Please don't drive when you're not driving.
7. If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask in bed.
8. The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubbernecking miniskirts.
9. If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "who's easy"?
10. Stop telling us most male strippers are gay: we don't care.
11. When you're not around, I belch loudly, too.
12. We don't mind if you look in the mirror to check your appearance -- in fact -- please do !!!
13. When you're out with us, please wear "our" favorite outfit rather than "yours" -- the torn jeans and dirty T-Shirt will last longer that way.
14. If you must grunt in reply, please develop a system to indicate a positive vs a negative grunt. 15. Don't insist that we "get off the stupid phone" and then not
talk to us.
16. Eye contact is best established above our shoulder-level.
17. Cleaning the house is not necessarily "women's work"; besides, most of the "dirt" and clutter is yours anyway.
18. Yes, we know most of the great chefs are men, why is it then you never want to cook?
19. We go to the Ladies Room in groups to talk about you.
20. Yes, we know you can probably beat us arm wrestling; however, very few raises or promotions were gained by arm wrestling the boss.
====================

bonyhadi · #14 (**permalink**) 09-15-2002, 04:28 PM

The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day.
When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground
and listened.
"Buffalo come," remarked Tonto.
"How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger.
"Face sticky."
===================
"Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding"
======================
A group of senior citizens were exchanging complaints about their
ailments.
"My arm is so weak that I can hardly hold this coffee cup."
"Yes, I know. My cataracts are so bad that I can't see to pour my
coffee."
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck."
"My blood pressure pills make my dizzy."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old."
"Well, it's not all bad.
We should be thankful that we can still drive."
======================
What do you get when you cross a rooster with M&M's?
A cock that melts in your mouth!
====================
The drunk asked where he could find a house of prostitution.
He got the right number but remembered it wrong and tried to get into a
home where a woman was leaning over the sink washing dishes.
The drunk rushed over, threw her on the floor and began making love to
her. Her husband, in an adjoining room, heard the ruckus.
He ran to the kitchen, grabbed the drunk and proceeded to beat him to a
pulp before throwing him out the door.
The drunk looked up at him from the driveway and said,
"Boy, you sure got a lot to learn about running a whorehouse!"
=========================
A man walked up to a little old lady rocking in a chair on her porch.
"I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," he said. "What's your
secret for a long happy life?"
"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," she said.
"I also do a gram of charlie a day, a spliff every night, a case of
whiskey a week, eat junk food, never exercise, and always do pills on
the weekend."
That's amazing," said the man, "how old are you?'
"twenty-four."
==================
How can you tell soap operas are fictional?
In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.

What should you give a man who has everything?
A woman to show him how to work it.
=======================
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as
a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She
went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had
any jobs for her to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will
you charge?"

The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her
that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to
her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way
around the house?"

The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her
money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered,
"and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man
reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde
added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
=====================
What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur
around the home?
She moved

What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A blonde parade
=====================

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand
at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you
can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet
all day and nothin' comes out!"

"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"

"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse
on a flat rock; no problem at all."

"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.

"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this
straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.

So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00!"
====================

Average Time

Scientists have determined that the average time of intercourse lasts 4 min.
The average number of strokes is 9 per minute, making the average intercourse 36 strokes.
Since the average lenth of a penis is 6 inches the average girl receives 216 inches or 18 feet per intercourse.
The average girl does it about three times a week, 52 weeks annually.
156 x 18 feet makes 2808 feet or just over a half of a mile.
So girl, if you are not getting your half mile every year,
I'm sure there is someone out there that will help ya !!
=============================

The American Dream

Joe Smith started the day early,
having set his alarm clock (made in Japan), for 6:00 A.M.
While his coffee pot (made in Japan), is perking,
he puts his blow dryer (made in Taiwan) to work and
shaves with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong).
He puts on a dress shirt (made in Taiwan),
his designer jeans (made in Singapore),
and a pair of tennis shoes (made in Korea).After cooking up some breakfast
in his new electric skillet (made in Philippines),
he sits down to figure out on his calculator (made in Mexico),
how much he can spend today.
After setting his watch (made in Switzerland),
to the radio (made in Hong Kong),
he goes out, gets in his car (made in Germany),
goes looking as he has been for months,
for a good paying American job.After the end of another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decides to relax for a while.
He puts on a pair of sandals (made in Brazil),
pours himself a glass of wine (made in France),
and turns on his TV (made in Japan),
and ponders again why he can't find a good paying American job.
===========================

bonyhadi · #15 (**permalink**) 09-15-2002, 04:29 PM

SOLDIER'S LETTER

A SOLDIER RECEIVED A LETTER FROM HIS GIRLFRIEND, BUT HE COULDN'T SHOW IT TO HIS FRIENDS,
BECAUSE SHE SIGNED IT "MOTHER," AND THIS IS WHAT SHE WROTE:

M- IS FOR THE MANY TIMES WE DID IT. O- IS FOR THE OTHER TIMES WE TRIED.T- IS FOR THE TERRIFIC TIMES
WE HAVE.H- IS FOR THE HOTEL WE WENT TO.E- IS FOR THE EASY WAY WE WENT.R- IS FOR THE RHYTHM WE
HAD.

THAT SPELLS "MOTHER" -- WHAT I'M GOING TO BE IN 9 MONTHS.
HE WROTE BACK AND THIS IS WHAT HE SAID:

F- IS FOR THE ****ED UP LETTER YOU SENT ME.A- IS FOR THE ASS YOU ARE.T- IS FOR THE TROUBLE YOUR
IN.H- IS FOR THE HOE YOU REALLY ARE.E- IS FOR THE EASY WAY YOU GAVE IT UP.R- IS FOR THE ROMANCE
WE NEVER HAD.

AND I'LL BE DAMNED IF I'M THE FATHER
THIS IS WHAT I THINK OF THE BABY:

B- IS FOR THE BABY WITHOUT A FATHER.A- IS FOR THE ABORTION YOU BETTER GET.B- IS FOR THE BASTARD
HE OR SHE WILL BE.Y- IS FOR THE "YES" WHEN YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID "NO."

SHE REALIZED THAT SHE FORGOT A FEW THINGS IN THE FIRST LETTER
SO SHE WROTE THE DICKLESS WONDER BACK AND THIS IS WHAT SHE SAID:

B- IS FOR THE BEEF YOU HAD WITH ME.E- IS FOR THE EATING YOU DID.S- IS FOR THE GOOD ***** YOU
SUCKED.T- IS FOR THE TIMES I GOT YOU HARD.F- IS FOR THE FUNNY MADE DICK YOU HAVE.R- IS THE RASH
ON YOUR ASS.I- IS FOR THE INTERCOURSE THAT WAS BORING.E- IS FOR THE ENERGY FOR YOU TO CUM.N- IS
FOR THE NASTY ASS DOG YOU ARE.D- IS FOR THE DAD YOUR GOING TO BE.

AND THAT SPELLS "BESTFRIEND" -- WHO I WAS ****IN' WHILE YOU WERE AWAY.
=======================
FIVE KINDS OF SEX
1) The first is Smurf Sex. This happens during the honeymoon, you both keep doing it until you're blue in the face.
2) The second is Kitchen Sex. This is at the beginning of the marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, even in the
kitchen.
3) The third kind is Bedroom Sex. You've calmed down a bit, perhaps have kids, so you gotta do it in the bedroom.
4) The fourth kind is Hallway Sex. This is where you pass each other in the hallway and say, "**** you!"
5) The fifth kind of sex: Courtroom Sex. This is when you get divorced and your wife screws you in front of everyone in
the courtroom.
===============================

ORAL SEX - AN ODE TO LOVE

Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee It's times like this, you wonder why
You bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your kneesYou know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawlSlide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
Your jaw it aches, your neck is numb
So when the ****'s he gonna cumJust, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat Salty, fishy, sticky stuff
Okay already, that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what revenge, you're on the rag.
===========================
About Women

Women especially love a bargain. The question of 'need' is irrelevant, so don't bother pointing it out. Anything
on sale is fair game.

Women never have anything to wear. Don't question the racks of clothes in the closet; you 'just don't
understand'.

Women need to cry. And they won't do it alone unless they know you can hear them.

Women will always ask questions that have no right answer, in an effort to trap you into feeling guilty.

Women love to talk. Silence intimidates them and they feel a need to fill it, even if they have nothing to say.

Women need to feel like there are people worse off than they are. That's why soap operas and Oprah
Winfrey-type shows are so successful.

Women don't need sex as often as men do. This is because sex is more physical for men and more emotional
for women. Just knowing that the man wants to have sex with them fulfills the emotional need.

Women hate bugs. Even the strong-willed ones need a man around when there's a spider, a wasp or roach
involved.

Women can't keep secrets. They eat away at them from the inside. And they don't view it as being
untrustworthy, providing they only tell 2 or 3 people.

Women always go to public restrooms in groups. It gives them a chance to gossip.

Women can't refuse to answer a ringing phone, no matter what she's doing. It might be the lottery calling or
another woman calling to gossip.

Women never understand why men love toys. Men understand that they wouldn't need toys if women had an
'on/off' switch.

Women think all beer is the same.

Women keep 3 different shampoos and 2 different conditioners in the shower. After a Woman showers, the
bathroom will smell like a tropical rain forest.

Women don't understand the appeal of sports.

Men seek entertainment that allows them to escape reality. Women seek entertainment that reminds them of
how horrible things could be.

If a man goes on a 7 day trip, he'll pack 4 days worth of clothes and will wear some things twice. If a Woman
goes on a 7 day trip she'll pack 21 outfits, because she doesn't know what she'll feel like wearing each day.

Women brush their hair before bed.

Watch a Woman eat an ice cream cone and you'll have a pretty good idea about how she'll be in bed.

Women are paid less than men, except for one field: Modeling.

Women are never wrong. Apologizing is the man's responsibility, 'It's there in the Bible'. Hmmm, who was it
that gave Adam the apple?

Women do not know anything about cars. 'Oil-stick, oil doesn't stick?'

Women have better restrooms. They get the nice chairs and red carpet. Men just get a VERY LARGE bowl to
pee in, but only because they always seem to pee on the wall or floor instead. I guess Men need even BIGGER
bowls.

The average number of items in a typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most
of these items.

Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when Women aren't looking, men kick cats.

Women love to talk on the phone. A Woman can visit her girlfriend for 2 weeks, and upon returning home, she
will call the same friend and they will talk for 3 hours.

Women will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or
get the mail.

Women will drive miles out of their way to avoid the possibility of getting lost using a shortcut.

Women don't try as hard as men during sex; after all, they don't fall asleep afterwards.

Women do NOT want an honest answer to the question, 'How do I look?'

PMS stands for Permissible Man-Slaughter. (Or at least men think it means that).

PMS also stands for Preposterous Mood Swings and Punish My Spouse.

Women are insecure about their weight, butt, breast sizes and age.

Women will make 3 right-hand turns to avoid making 1 left-hand turn.

'Oh, nothing,' has an entirely different meaning in Woman-language than it does in man-language.

Women cannot use a map without turning the map to correspond to the direction that they are heading.

Women are overweight by definition; don't agree with them about it.

Women always have 5 pounds to lose, but don't bring this up unless they really have 5 pounds to gain.

If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by
asking, 'What did you do?'

Only Women understand the reason for 'guest towels' and the 'good china'.

Women want equal rights, but you rarely hear them clamoring to be let into the draft to cover the
responsibilities that go with those rights.

All Women seek equality with men until it comes to sharing the closet, taking out the trash, and picking up the
check.

If a man ticks off a Woman she will often respond by getting a fuzzy toilet cover which warms their rear, but
makes it impossible for the lid to stay up thus it constantly gets peed on by the guys. (Which gets them in
more trouble)

Women never check to see if the lid is up. They seem to prefer taking a flying butt leap towards the bowl and
then chewing men out because they 'left the seat up' instead of taking 2 seconds and lowering it themselves.

Women can get out of speeding tickets by pouting. This will get men arrested forcoming on to the Cop.

Women don't really care about a sense of humor in a guy despite claims to the contrary. You don't see women
trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried.

Women fake orgasm, because men fake foreplay.

It's okay for Women to dance with each other and not be gay. You don't see straight men dancing together.

Women will spend hours dressing up to go out, and then they'll go out and spend more time checking out
other Women.

Men can never catch Women checking out other men; Women will always catch men checking out other
Women.

The most embarrassing thing for Women is to find another woman wearing the same dress at a formal party.
You don't hear men say, 'Oh-my-G-D, there's another man wearing a black tux, get me out of here!'
==================================

bonyhadi · #16 (**permalink**) 09-15-2002, 04:31 PM

Application For Redneck Driver's License

Last name: ________________ First name: (Check appropriate box)
[_] Billy-Bob [_] Bobby-Sue [_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann [_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic [_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician Spouse's Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse's Name: __________________________
3rd Spouse's Name: __________________________
Spell S-P-O-U-S-E
Relationship with spouse: [_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle [_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter [_] Cousin [_] Pet Number of children living in household:___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___ Mother's Name: _______________________
Father's Name: _______________________(If not sure, leave blank)Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade
completed) Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box) Vehicles you own and
where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks Firearms you own and where you keep them:
____ truck ____ kitchen
____ bedroom ____ bathroom ____ shed Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 196_ Do you have a
gun rack? [_] Yes [_] No; If no, please explain: Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun [_] Armed and Ready! ___ Number of times you've seen a UFO
___ Number of times you've seen Elvis
____Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly [_] Monthly [_] Not Applicable How many teeth?___
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black [_] N/A Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
[_] Red-Man How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile [_] 2 miles
[_] What's a paved road?
============================

bonyhadi · #17 (**permalink**) 09-16-2002, 06:14 AM

For BB King's birthday, his wife wanted to give him
something very special! BB already had pretty much
everything a person could want: money, fame and happiness.
BB's wife decided to get "BB" tattooed on her butt, a "B"
on each butt cheek.

That night, after eating dinner and cake, she decided to
give BB her gift. After explaining that her gift was very
special, she bent over and pull her pants down, revealing
her bare, tattooed ass! She told BB to look.

He looked and said, "That's great honey... but who in the
**** is BOB?"
===============================
Q. Why don't women need driver's licenses?
A. There's no road between the bedroom and the kitchen.
=======================
A female orgasm is a powerful painkiller (because of the release ofendorphins), so headaches are in fact a bad excuse not to have sex.
============================
A Texan went to the big city up North for the first time. After strolling around the downtown area for a while, he
happened to look up and see a man at the top of a tall building. The man looked like he was ready to jump off.

Concerned about the man's fate, the Texan immediately started thinking of things he could tell the man so that he would
want to live and would not jump.

"Remember your wife," yelled the Texan.

"She divorced me," said the man.

"Remember your children," yelled the Texan.

"They ran away," said the man.

"Remember your parents," yelled the Texan.

"They are dead," said the man.

"Remember the Alamo," yelled the Texan.

"What is the Alamo?" inquired the man.

"Jump, you Yankee Sum*****!" replied the Texan.
==========================
WORST FOURSOME IN GOLF

1. Monica Lewinski
2. O. J. Simpson
3. Ted Kennedy
4. Bill Clinton

Why You Ask? Well,,,,,,,

1. Monica is a hooker
2. O. J. is a slicer
3. Ted can't drive over water, and..
4. Bill can't remember which hole he played
===================
In a relationship with a woman, a man can either be right or get laid, but never both.
~~~~~
Q: Why do they say that eating bean curd and oysters will improve your sex life?
A: Because if you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything!
=====================
The perfect woman - a nymphomaniac who owns a liquor store.
==========================
NEW DEFINITIONS

1. DOOHICKEY:
A. Female................Any part under a car's hood.
B. Male......................The strap fastener on a woman's bra

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
A. Female................Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
B. Male.....................Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
A. Female.............The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
B. Male...................Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
A. Female..............A desire to get married and raise a family.
B. Male...................Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
A. Female.............A good movie, concert, play or book.
B. Male..................Anything that can be done while drinking.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
A. Female............An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
B. Male.................A source of entertainment, self-expression & male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
A. Female............The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
B. Male.................Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
A. Female............A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
B. Male.................A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.
========================
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began
undressing.
When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,"Ewww - what's wrong with your feet? Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so
gross?"
"I had tolio as a child," he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off his pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked."They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles," he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess... Smallcox?"
==================
Sex in Sun City
A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and
charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the
doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my
house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, .....and I get $43 back from
Medicare."
==========================
The best 25 Austin Powers Pickup Lines (use your best Austin Powers accent)

1. I wish you were a door so I could slam you all day.

2. Nice legs...what time do they open?

3. Do you work for UPS? I thought I saw you checking out my package.

4. You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?

5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?

6. I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed Thrasher. Have you seen one?

7. Wanna play army? I'll lay down and you can blow the hell outta me.

8. I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Wal-Mart, so I could ride you all day long for a quarter.

9. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a Braille nametag.

10. Is that a ladder in your stockings or the stairway to heaven?

11. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

12. You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.

13. If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by morning.

14. (Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck itself.

15. You. Me. Whipped cream. Handcuffs. Any questions?

16. Screw me if I'm wrong, but is your name Helga Titsbottom?

17. Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.

18. My name is (name)...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.

19. Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?

20. Hi, I'm Mr. Right. Someone said you were looking for me.

21. Wanna come over for some pizza and sex? No? Why? Don't you like pizza?
22. Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I???

23. Do you wash your pants in Windex? Because I can see myself in them.

24. I lost my puppy. Can you help me find him? I think he went into this cheap motel room.

25. (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of these wet clothes.
=============================
This lady walks in to a Porn shop one day
complaining about the fact that her husband
isn't enough for her any more and that she
is sexually frustrated. The guy behind the
counter suggests a Dildo or Vibrator, the
lady blushes as he shows her the different
sizes and shapes she can choose from, Last
but not least he shows her the 'magic dildo'.
Just say to the dildo what you want it to do
and it will be done.
The lady goes home, reads the instructions
carefully, places the dildo on the chest of
draws, and lies on the bed naked with her
legs spread. She say's 'Dildo - *****'.

The dildo lifts off, turns around and shoots
straight between her legs. After an unknown
amount of time she tires of it and says
'dildo - stop' only to find that it doesn't,
it keeps going. She grabs it and pulls it out,
dildo jumps strait back in however. She grabs
it again, throws it across the room and runs
out of the house screaming naked with the dildo
chasing along after her. She runs around the
corner to be confronted by a policeman wondering
what she is doing naked on the street, she explains
to him that a magic dildo is chasing her.

The policeman only laughs and says 'Magic dildo my ass!'
====================

bonyhadi · #18 (**permalink**) 09-16-2002, 06:15 AM

COPIED FROM A NEWSGROUP POSTING ***
(the male author was responding to a woman who accidentally walked into
the men's restroom):

Please don't feel bad. It wasn't you entering the men's washroom that
caused that guy to pee on the guy next to him. Hell, we do that all the
time. It's rare for us guys to ever hit what were aiming for.
Sometimes I go into the washroom, start to pee, and then just start
spinning around; just so I'll make sure I hit something.
You see, something you ladies should understand by now is that men's
penises have a mind of their own. A guy can go into a bathroom stall
because all the urinals are being used, take perfect aim at the toilet,
and his penis will still manage to piss all over the roll of toilet
paper, down his left pant leg, and onto his shoe. I'm telling 'ya those
little buggers can't be trusted.

After being married 28 years my wife has me trained. I'm no longer
allowed to pee like a man - standing up. I am required to sit down and
pee. She has convinced me that this is a small price to pay. Otherwise
if she had gone to the toilet one more time at night and either sat on a
pee soaked toilet seat, or fell right into the toilet because I forgot
to put the seat down, she was going to kill me in my sleep.

Now another thing us guys don't usually like to talk about, but because
you and I have become such good friends and you think I'm a classy guy,
I might as well be candid with you because it's a real problem, and you
ladies need to be understanding. It's the dreaded "morning wood".

Most mornings us guys wake up with two things. A tremendous desire to
pee, and a penis so hard you could cut diamonds with it. Well, no matter
how hard you try, you can't get that thing to bend, and if it don't bend
you can't aim, well hell, if you can't aim you have no choice but to
piss all over the wallpaper and that damn fuzzy toilet seat cover you
women insist on putting on the toilet.

And by the way, when you use those damn fuzzy toilet seat covers, the
friggin' toilet seat won't stay up by itself. So that means we have to
use one hand to hold up the toilet seat and the other hand to try to
control ourselves for that perfect aim.

Now sometimes, when you're newly married, (and I know the guys in here
will back me up on this) you think you can get the toilet seat with that
damn fuzzy thing to stay up. You jam it back and compress that fuzzy
thing until the seat stays there. OK, so you start to pee, but then
that compressed fuzzy starts to decompress and without warning
that damn toilet seat comes flying down and tries to whack off your
weenie.

So us guys will not lift a toilet seat with a fuzzy, it's just not safe.
I tried to delicately explain this morning situation to my wife. I told
her... look, it won't bend. She said, "sit down like I told you to do
all the rest of the time." OK. I tried sitting down on the toilet with
"morning wood".
Well it's is very hard to get it bent under the toilet seat, and before
I could manage it, I had pissed all over the bath towels hanging on the
wall across the room. Now, even if you are sitting down and you can get
it forced down under the toilet seat, when you start to pee the pee
shoots out from the crack between the bottom of the toilet seat and the
top of the bowl. You piss all over the back of your knees and it runs
down the back of our legs on to that damn matching fuzzy horseshoe rug
you keep putting on the floor in front of the toilet.
I have found the only effective maneuver to deal with this morning
urinary dilemma is to assume the flying superman position laying over
the toilet seat.
This takes a great deal of practice, perfect balance, and split time
precision but it's the only sure way to get all the pee in the bowl
during the first morning pee.

So you ladies have to understand that us men are not totally to blame.
We are sensitive to your concerns about hygiene and bathroom
cleanliness, but there are times when things just get beyond our
control.

It's not our fault, it's just Mother Nature.
Now, if it was Father Nature,... there wouldn't have been a problem!!!
===========================
Dear Dr Ruth,

I'm e-mailing to tell you my problem. It seems, I have been
married to a sex maniac for the past 12 years. He wants oral sex,
regardless of what I am doing; Ironing, Washing dishes,
Sweeping, even doing E-Mail on AOL, etc. I would like to know
if there is anything that ucnn hlp m wth nd fun othel gothsl
ehj fpsm4th fjsl;s;;o{O} .lp sld m6hkdli dlks; a;ld;;'cinsely
ous mdyl isnt';dk~#-0.......

:-) :-) :-) :-)

Jane: I can't understand why men are so afraid
of commitment!

Martha: Tell me about it! I lived with one guy for a year
and a half, and I finally had to give him an ultimatum.

Jane: What did you say?

Martha: I just told him, "Look, either you tell me
your last name, or get your **** out of my house !"
==========================
A defense attorney was cross-examining a Chicago police officer
during a felony trial -- it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you
have a locker room in the police station -- a room where you
change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers
with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker
in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex,
and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through
that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt
recess was called.
=======================

Did you hear about the blonde that...

....Lost her boyfriend because she forgot where she laid him.
....Thought that asphalt was rectum trouble.
....Was called tapioca because she could be made in a minute.
....Thought her typewriter was pregnant because it missed a
period.
....Thought that "no kidding" meant some form of birth control.
....Thought that peter pan was something for under the bed.
....Thought that "Moby Dick" was a venereal disease.
....Thought that a sanitary belt was a drink from clean shot
glass.
....Smelled good only on the right side because she couldn't
find the left guard.
....Wore union pants because her best friend was having labor
pains.
....Studied 5 days for a urine test.
....Thought KOTEX was a radio station in Texas.
....Thought fetus was a character from "Gunsmoke".
....Thought a mushroom was a place to kiss.
....Was in the Indy 500 and had 7 pit stops, 1 for gas and 6
for directions.
....Put 75 holes in her face?...she was learning to eat with a
fork.
====================================

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR AMISH TEEN IS IN TROUBLE:

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without
bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, 'cause
the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the
influence of cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
========================

bonyhadi · #19 (**permalink**) 09-16-2002, 06:21 AM

A defense attorney was cross-examining a Chicago police officer
during a felony trial -- it went like this:

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.

Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.

Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called
offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.

Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer -- do you
have a locker room in the police station -- a room where you
change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.

Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.

Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.

Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers
with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker
in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex,
and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through
that room.

With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt
recess was called.
=======================

Did you hear about the blonde that...

....Lost her boyfriend because she forgot where she laid him.
....Thought that asphalt was rectum trouble.
....Was called tapioca because she could be made in a minute.
....Thought her typewriter was pregnant because it missed a
period.
....Thought that "no kidding" meant some form of birth control.
....Thought that peter pan was something for under the bed.
....Thought that "Moby Dick" was a venereal disease.
....Thought that a sanitary belt was a drink from clean shot
glass.
....Smelled good only on the right side because she couldn't
find the left guard.
....Wore union pants because her best friend was having labor
pains.
....Studied 5 days for a urine test.
....Thought KOTEX was a radio station in Texas.
....Thought fetus was a character from "Gunsmoke".
....Thought a mushroom was a place to kiss.
....Was in the Indy 500 and had 7 pit stops, 1 for gas and 6
for directions.
....Put 75 holes in her face?...she was learning to eat with a
fork.
====================================

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR AMISH TEEN IS IN TROUBLE:

10. Sometimes stays in bed until after 5 am.
9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without
bonnets.
8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" makeup.
7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"
6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."
5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap."
4. You come upon his secret stash of colored socks.
3. Uses slang expression: "Talk to the hand, 'cause
the beard ain't listening."
2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the
influence of cottage cheese."
1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards.
========================
Things You'll Never Hear A Man Say...

1. I just love how Barry Manilow sings, don't you?
2. No, I don't want another beer. I have to work tomorrow.
3. You know, her breasts are just too big for my liking.
4. Sometimes I just want to be held.
5. Boy, that Barbara Walters on "20/20" is one sexy babe.
6. Sure, honey! I'd be happy to discuss the state of our
relationship.
7. We haven't been to the mall for ages. Let's go shopping and
I can hold your purse.
8. Forget Monday Night Football. Let's watch something
meaningful on the "Lifetime Channel."
9. It's late. Put your clothes back on and I'll take you home.
10. Honey, I'm going to the store. Do you need more tampons?
11. Actually, I prefer it when *you* hold the remote.
12. I'm sick of beer. Give me a fruit juice.
13. Great! Your mother's coming to stay with us again.
14. I wonder if my gorgeous neighbor knows that her drapes are
open when she's getting ready for bed. Maybe I should tell
her.
15. No way. You weeded the garden last week. It's my turn.
16. Better get rid of these old Playboy magazines. I don't
look at them any more.
17. I understand.
18. This movie has way too much gratuitous nudity.
19. Damn, we're late for church!
20. No! I don't want to see your sister's breasts.
21. Damn these onions, pass me a tissue.
22. Put some panties on, for Pete's sake.
23. Eat something! You are starting to look like a Victoria's
Secret Model!
24. Don't pick that up, I got it.
25. Happy Anniversary!
26. Hey, isn't today your Mother's birthday?
27. Let's talk. I miss talking.
28. Gay men have rights too!
29. I am just too tired to have sex again today!
30. Are you losing weight, sweetie?
==============================

12 STEP PROGRAM

1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON'T forward an email!
2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail. 3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me
money, Victoria Secret doesn't know anything about a gift certificate they're supposed to send me.
4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or
anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail ... NEVER--NEVER!!
7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program, and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone
will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything! He did when
he was 7 years old. He is now 20, cancer free and DOESN'T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL
CARDS!
9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if
passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we send.
10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive
immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO, NADA!!
11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to a certain individual dying of some never-heard-of
disease for every e-mail address I send this to. The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into sending things by telling me I am not their friend or that I don't
believe in Jesus Christ.
If G-d wants to send me a message, I believe the bushes in my yard will burn before He picks up a PC to pass it on!
==============================
A woman is having her annual physical and after all the
poking, prodding and tests, the physician says gravely,
"I'm sorry, but you have only 12 hours to live".
Hearing this, the woman rushes home, explains her
condition to her husband and exclaims, "I want to
spend this whole evening having wild and crazy sex."
Her husband replies, "That's easy for you to say, honey.
You don't have to get up in the morning!"
=================================

bonyhadi · #20 (**permalink**) 09-17-2002, 05:48 AM

The dean of a women's college, addressing her charges, concluded, "...and
remember, young ladies, you represent not only your own honor but that of
the
school. When approached by young men, ask yourself: Is an hour's pleasure
worth a lifetime of disgrace? Now, are there any questions?"
A young lady immediately raised her hand and said, "Tell me, how do you
make
it last an hour?"
~~~~~~~~~~

Two elderly men are having a conversation about sex:
1st: "I did it three times last night with a 30 year old!"
2nd: "I can't even manage to do it once! What's your secret?"
1st: "The secret is to eat lots of whole-wheat bread."
So the second old man rushes to the bakery.
Clerk: "May I help you?"
Old man: "I'd like four loaves of whole-wheat bread, please."
Clerk: "That's a lot of bread, sir. It's sure to get hard before you get a
chance to eat it all."
Old man: "Damn! Does EVERYONE know about this except me?"

=====================
A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist
if he sells extra large condoms.He replies, "Yes we do.
Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait
around here until someone does?"
====================
Buffie walks past three men in the office who are all bemoaning the
fact that they are about to be audited during the coming month.

Says the first guy with a groan, "I'm screwed!" "I'm screwed, too!"
says the other guy, slapping his forehead. "Guys, I am about to be
****ed beyond all recognition by this audit!" exclaims the third guy
in anguish.

Just then, one of the guys notices Buffie standing there listening.
She now has a very thoughtful look on her face. "Are you OK?"
asks the guy. "Yes," replies Buffie, "but I was wondering... How do
I go about getting audited?"
====================================
The ultimate list of excuses:
I'd love to but...
I want to spend more time with my blender.
The man on television told me to say tuned.
It wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
I'm building a pig from a kit.
There's a disturbance in the Force.
I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
It's too close to the turn of the century.
I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
I'm trying to be less popular.
I have to study for a blood test.
I have to rotate my crops.
=================================
What's the definition of an overbite?
When you're eating ***** and it taste like ****.
==============================
TOP 10 REASONS WHY CYBER SEX IS BETTER
10. If the date goes bad, changing your Screen Name
is easier then changing your real name.
9. Bathing, dressing, supplying atmosphere is optional.
8. If you get drunk and blackout, you only wake up next to a keyboard.
7. You can exercise your offensive habits without embarrassing
yourself.
6. Viagra! Who needs Viagra?
5. Your partner could have more of a personality
than your inflatable friends.
4. Three words: No shotgun weddings.
3. All guys look like George Clooney and all women like Pamela
Anderson.
2. They never have to know you live in your parents basement.
1. If you catch a virus, only your computer dies.
================
A female reporter was conducting an interview with a farmer
about Mad Cow Disease.

"Mr. Brown, do you have any idea what might be the cause of the disease?"

"Sure. Do you know the bulls only screw the cows once a year?"

"Umm, sir, that is a new piece of information,
but what's the relationship between this and Mad Cow?"

"And did you know we milk the cows twice a day?"

"Mr. Brown, that's interesting, but, what's the point?"

"Lady, the point is this: if I'm playing with your tits twice a day,
but only screwing you once a year,
wouldn't you go mad, too?"
====================
There was a shoe salesman siting in his store when a beautiful woman comes in. He looks at her and can't
stop staring. While helping her try on a pair of shoes he glances up her skirt to find she isn't wearing any
panties. He started thinking and something slipped out. The man said "I'd like to fill your ***** with ice
cream and lick it all out!"
Hearing this the woman runs out to tell her husband. She says, "Honey, this shoe salesman said he'd like to
fill my ***** up with ice cream and lick it all out!" "Now go kick his ass!".
The husband replied "Dear, anyone that can eat that much ice cream, I ain't ****in' with!"

==============================================
A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would
get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he stacks the car and gets stuck
between the steering wheel and the seat. He tells her to go get help and she replied that she couldnâ€™t because she didnâ€™t have any clothes on.
He replies, â€œTake my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!â€*
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?"
The clerk replies, "Iâ€™m sorry, I think he's too far in."
===========================================