Joke of the Day...

[CobraDan]

A woman went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called "The Knob", where a small knob is placed on the back of a woman's head that she could turn to tighten up her skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob."
Over the course of the years, she turned the knob and the effects were wonderful - she remained young looking and vibrant.
After 15 years, she returned to the surgeon. "All these years, everything has been working just fine. I've turned the knob many times and I've always loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems:
First, I have these big bags under my eyes and the knob just won't get rid of them."
The doctor looked at her closely and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts."
The woman said, "I guess that explains the goatee."

[bonyhadi]

Why are Democrats better in bed?
Because you've never heard of getting a good piece of elephant.

Why do politicians envy ventriloquists?
Because they can lie without moving their lips.

What does a politician have in common with Jeffrey Dahmer?
They both have skeletons in their closet.

What do you call a politician who swears to tell the truth?
LIAR
.
What do you call a democrat that sleeps around?
A breeding-heart liberal.

If con is the opposite of pro then what is the opposite of
progress?

What do you get when you cross a corrupt politician with a
corrupt lawyer?
Chelsea.

How does the IRS describe a day at work?
Taxing.
=================================
An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a
large pond in the back forty, fixed up nice; picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc.

The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was
built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he
hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond,
he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw
it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end
of the pond.

One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies
swim or make you get out of the pond naked.

"I only came to feed the alligators."

Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill.
===========================================
The Seinfeld Sex Dictionary
Backed Up - Glandular condition that men get from not having sex.
Bad Breaker Upper - Someone who ends a relationship by saying those mean things that people don't mean, but means them.
Home Bed Advantage - The confident feeling one gets while making love in one's own surroundings.
"It didn't take" - George's explanation for Susan's short-lived experimentation with lesbianism.
The "It's-not-you-it's-me" routine - Breakup method to which George lays claim.
Love - A spice with many tastes, according to Newman.
Make up Sex - The best feature of a heavy relationship; eclipsed only by "conjugal-visit sex".
Master of your Domain - One who can refrain from masturbation. (Also: Lord of the Manor, King of the County, Queen of the Castle.)
Public Fornicator - A porn actor.
Put in - The length of time one has to keep up a relationship after a sexual liaison. Elaine suggests three weeks.
Sexual Camel - Someone who can go great lengths of time without sex.
Sexual Perjury - Faking it.
Shrinkage - Physical reaction men have to cold water.
Slip One Past the Goalie - To impregnate a woman.
Stopping Short - Frank Costanza's technique to cop a feel in the car.
The Switch - Dating a woman, then dating her roommate after the breakup. Has never been done successfully.
The Tap - Sign a woman uses to stop oral sex, sort of like the manager coming to the mound and asking for the ball.
================================
TEN THINGS A MAN WILL NEVER SAY...
10. Here honey, you use the remote.
9. You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
8. Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? That's one movie I gotta see!
7.While I'm up, can I get you anything?
6. Honey since we don't have anything else planned, will you go to the wallpaper store with me?
5. Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just want to be held.
4. Why don't you go to the mall with me and help me pick out a pair of shoes?
3. Aww, forget Monday night football, Let's watch Melrose Place.
2. Hey let me hold your purse while you try that on.
1. We never talk anymore
===========================
NOAH'S ARK IN 2002

If you ever had to deal with your local town, this is life in
2002!!!!!!!!!!!
Imagine it is the year 2002 and Noah lives in the United States. The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it
rain and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of
living thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, G-d delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the
Ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah
sitting in his front yard weeping.

"Noah", He shouted, "Where is the Ark?" "Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.

First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not
comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw
the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance
from the city planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally
convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind
aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could
not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea
that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking g-dless, unbelieving people aboard! The IRS has
seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in
preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the State that I owe some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a recreational water craft.
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the
earth, it is a religious event and therefore unconstitutional.

I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years,"
Noah wailed.

The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has." AMEN...
=================================================

[bonyhadi]

: WITH APOLOGIES TO SHAKESPEARE

Subject: Bushlet, Prince of Uhmurka
"Bushlet," Act 1

SCENE 1: CRAWFORD - A platform before the castle.

[FRANCISCO at his post. Enter to him BERNARDO.]

BER.: Who's there?
FRA..: Nay, answer me: stand, and unfold yourself.
BER.: Long live the Chief!
FRA..: Bernardo?
BER.: He.
FRA..: You come most carefully upon your hour.
BER.: Wracked with dreams was I, dreams of war.
FRA..: Marry, to be wracked with Iraq's attack at that!
BER.: Funny. What hear you of our attack? 'tis time?
FRA.: Nay, only this: that our sweet young prince
Doth stalk here nightly, his brow furrowed, as if
In semblance of thought. Far does he roam.
BER.: Aye, for he is in remarkable shape
For a man his age.
FRA.: So they say - Hssst! He comes!
BER.: We'll listen, and mayhap learn more of the coming storm.

[Enter BUSHLET, clad in doublet, hose, and a ten gallonne hat.]

BUSHLET:Oh, what a brogue and pissant shave am I!
BER. (whispered): 'tis inpenetrable! His words lack all sense!
FRA.: And yet in that nonsense, his sense does emerge.
BER.: 'Tis why we love him.

[Unseen, a GHOST appears behind Bushlet]

BUSHLET: To attack or not to attack, that is the question -
GHOST.: -Nay, 'tis not. Not the question. Not.
FRA. (whispered): 'Pon my life - 'tis his father, once King.
BUSHLET: Lo! What's this? Tis the ghost of my Father,
Cruelly slain, and now here reanimerated.
GHOST: Slain? Nay, son, I live. Feelin' good...
BUSHLET: Oh dear father - thine death shall be avenged!
GHOST: Nay, son, I am not dead I tell thee...
BUSHLET: Long shall be the struggle, but this evil-doer
Shall be brought low. Much avengeration
Shall I have 'pon the head of Saddam.
GHOST: Saddam. Tis he who I come to speak of with thee.
BUSHLET: Speak, dear shade! What has roused thee from thy grave?
GHOST: Whatever. Listen, son. Time to listen. Now.
Thou dost fritter away thy days in indecision.
Now waiting, now preparing thine attacks.
Thy sabre rattles, and yet stays sheathed withal.
BUSHLET: Tis a defective sabre. I can't find the trigger.
GHOST: Listen! I come here to beseech thee -
Thou must not yet make war upon Saddam.
BUSHLET: What? But you did, oh saucy hippocrat.
GHOST: Yes, but you have not yet prepared.
Haven't built thine international coalition.
Shouldn't attack, then. Wouldn't be prudent.
BUSHLET: Fie upon coalitions! Those fancy-pantses
With their extra languages and their "hot cuisinarts..."
They listen to me not. **** 'em. Fie!
GHOST: 'Tis my very point. Thou must make
Them attend. Persuasion. Ne-go-tiation.
BUSHLET: Nay, I will heed you not, old ghost!
For thine words do confuse me. But I am clear
In my purpose - to do what thou couldst not
And bring down the evil-doer in thine name.
GHOST: Not a great plan. Got to think. Prudence-
BUSHLET: Nay, begone, ghost, and to thy rest!
GHOST: Really, I am far from dead, my boy.
BUSHLET: To thy rest!

[the GHOST exits, grumbling]

BUSHLET: Would that he had lived.
Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow,
The sun wilt come out tomorrow, come what may.
And then shall I give the signal, and let loose
The dogs of war! Probably. Pretty sure now...
Hey! What ho! A firefly! C'mere, thou rogue!

[BUSHLET wanders off, chasing the firefly.]

BER.: And so we learn that nothing is to be learned.
FRA.: Aye, 'tis a walking riddle that prances yonder
Fixed on that fly, heedless of the pond he approacheth...

[Pause. A loud SPLASH is heard anon.]

BER.: Come, sweet Francisco, a beer will I buy thee.
FRA.: Aye, thou hast it! Or perchance a hard lemonade.
Lead on, Bernardo! Let kings to their businesses,
And us to ours.
==============================
4 Secrets to a Happy Marriage > > > >

1. It is important to find a man who works around the house, cooks and
cleans, and helps care for the kids, and who makes money.
2. It is important to find a man who loves to spend money on you, and
show you a good time.
3. It is important to find a man who's good in bed and who loves to
make love with you.
4. It is important that these three men never meet.
===========================

[bonyhadi]

In the garden of Eden

In the garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes. In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam's,
One covered Eve's. As the story goes on,
Nevertheless to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away. At the sight,
Adam did stare.
There was Eve's treasure,
All covered with hair. And wonder came
Under Eve's eyes,
As Adam's thing
Started to rise. They found a spot
That suited them best.
A nice big tree
Where they began to rest. Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill
Came into her heart. The head of Adam's thing
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control. Backward and forward,
His thing did slide.
And Eve's treasure
Was all wet inside. The joy was good,
She wouldn't let loose.
Until Adam's thing,
Was all out of juice. Then down through the years,
People did screw.
And now it is time,
For me and you. So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Cause I'm in the mood,
For a piece of that Ass!
=================

Sex makes you alert and ready to face the world; it's an ideal substitute for a hot breakfast.
======================================
Did you hear about the couple who finally became sexually compatible? They achieved simultaneous headaches.
======================================
New Sexual Terms:
_*Splintercourse*_: The sexual act in an outdoor setting. (e.g., "I enjoyed having splintercourse with you on the picnic table at the MileMarker
189 Rest Stop.")

_*POTUS Interruptus*_: A sexual encounter prematurely ended when the Secret Service man assigned to you hollers that Hillary has
returned.(POTUS = President of the United States.)

_*Feastiality*_: Sexual food fetish. (e.g., "Man, did Kim Basinger have a feastiality problem in 9 1/2 weeks, or what?")

_*Nophyllactic*_: A form of birth control. Unlike the prophyllactic's barrier method, the nophyllactic utilizes the word "no" to avoid conception.

_*Bromo-sexual*_: Individuals who find sex nauseating. See also: "Women I've dated."

_*Wargasm*_: Sexual release which immediately follows a marital fight (e.g., "I'm so sick of waking up every morning to find your bowl of
Tosittohhhhhhhhhhhhs!")

_*Frommage 'a Trois*_: Literally, this means either "grilled cheese sandwich," or "three-cheese omelette" but it has come to connote two
same-sex individuals (the bread) and one opposite sex individual (thecheese).

_*Toupalactic*_: A powerful birth control method which is based on the man's wearing a wig so comical, sex is simply out of the question..
=========================
When your wife asks, "Do I look fat?"
The correct response is, "Do I look stupid?"
=======================================
Did you hear about the restaurant that promotes safe sex?

They write the bill on a condom so you can wine and dine
your date, and then stick her with the bill.
=====================================
Certificate of Upgrade to Complete Asshole
Awarded to____________________________________In recognition of your
obnoxious attitude, ability to piss people off, complete asinine
juvenile behavior and total dedication to personal gain without regard
to the many hardships you have forced upon friends, family and others
during your lifetime, you have become a legend in your own mind.
To recognize your upgrade from half-assed to complete asshole, gives
all concerned great satisfaction. If anyone, for any reason, doubts
your status.
JUST BE YOURSELF......!!!!!
Effective as of this_____day of_________________2002
Per:____________________________
Authorized Signature
============================
A guy is walking down the street with his friend. He says to his
friend, "I'm a walking economy."

His friend replies, "How's that?"

"It's like this -- my hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim
of inflation, and the combination of these factors is putting me into a
deep depression."
======================
She's been on her knees more times than Billy Graham.

She's done more screwing than Black and Decker.

She's turned more tricks than Harry Houdini.

She's been boarded more times than Amtrak.

She's been mounted more often than Trigger.

She's been with more animals than Marlin Perkins.

She's entertained more troops than Bob Hope.

She's been at more bedsides than Dr. Kildare.

She's been turned more ways than Rubik's Cube.

She's spent more time under men than barstools.

She's seen more traffic than the George Washington Bridge.

She's been under more sheets than the Ku Klux Klan.

She's had more marines land on her than on Iwo Jima.
===========================
GOVERNMENT WARNING:
Eating female's organ is dangerous to your health because its 5% urine, 3% acidic, 2% fat & 90% addictive. Hehehe. Eat moderately.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A woman in was found to have almost $2,150 hidden in her vagina when she was busted for a phony prescription. As the story spread, local banks refused to
accept the money, considering it to be contaminated. One bank was finally convinced to take the money for deposit when it was brought in wrapped in plastic.

Someone must have fingered her...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pres. Clinton to maid: Mam, can you do something about Chelsea's room.

She complains that it's the ugliest room in the White House.

Maid: Yes, Mr. President--I'll remove the mirrors right away.
=======================

[bonyhadi]

20 Reasons why a Woman should call it a night

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms over head and my butt wiggling, while yelling woo-hoo, is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decide I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to "pee" I realize I now look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5. I drop my 3:00 a.m. Jack in the Box taco on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it.

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.

7. There are less than three hours before I'm due to start work.

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me.

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen (or bathroom) floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way....."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the button's open on my button fly jeans to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom, away from my drink.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight!
================================================== ======
Charlie was a young and foolish pilot and wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. So, his first time approaching a field during the nighttime, instead of
making any official requests to the tower, he said, "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where?
===========================================
Rednecks - You're A Redneck When... 2002 Edition

You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

You can entertain yourself for more than an hour with a fly swatter.

our property has been mistaken for a recycling center.

Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

You burn your yard rather than mow it.

You think the Nutcracker is something you did off the high dive.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

Your entire family sat around waiting for a call from the governor to
spare a loved one.

You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want
it.

You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

You come back from the dump with more than you took.

You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

Your grandmother has "Ammo" on her Christmas list.

You've been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.

You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.

You've bathed with flea and tick soap.

You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

Your kids take a siphon hose to show and tell.

You think a hot tub is a stolen indoor plumbing fixture.

You took a fishing pole to Sea World.

You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

You have a rag for a gas cap.

Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

You can spit without opening your mouth.

You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it
in jail.

You never wear a Motorcycle Helmet, even though you've already bashed
your head once or twice.

Your lifetime goal is to own an illegal fireworks stand.

You sit on your roof at Christmas time hoping to fill your deer quota.

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the
side.

The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

You thought the Uni-bomber was a wrestler.

You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart.

Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you
home.

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvement.

You've used a toilet brush as a back scratcher (or scrubber).

You've asked the preacher "How's it hangin?"

You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take
them out to see what it is.
==========================
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a
little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud,
"Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.

"Holy ****," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered
me!"

"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highly
intelligent, thoroughly educated bird."

"Oh yeah?", the guy asks,"Then answer this.....How do you hang
onto your perch without any feet?"

"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you
asked, I wrap my 'willie' around this wooden bar like a little hook.
You can't see it because of my feathers."

"Wow" says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English,
can't you?"

"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English and I can converse
with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion,
sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.
You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."

The guy looks at the $200 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can't afford
that."

"Psssssst" says the parrot...."I'm defective, so the truth is,
nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You probably
can get me for $20. Just make the guy an offer!"

The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of
humor, he's interesting, he's a pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.

One day he comes home from work and the parrot goes "Pssssssssssst"
and motions him over with one wing. "I don't know if I should tell you
this or not, but it's about your wife and the postman."

"What are you talking about?" asks the guy.

"When the postman delivered today, your wife greeted him at the door
in a sheer black nighty and kissed him passionately."

"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"

"Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nighty
and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.

"My God!" he exclaims. "Then what?"

"Then he lifted up her nighty, got down on his knees and began to
kiss her all over, starting with her breasts and slowly going down..

WELL???" demands the frantic guy. "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"

"Damned if I know, I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
=========================

[CobraDan]

1. When you are sad, ...I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue, ...I'll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile, ...I'll know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared, ...I will rag you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried, ...I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused, ...I will use little words to explain.

7. When you are sick, ...stay away from me until you're well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall, ...I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath, ...I pledge 'til the end. Why you may ask? Because you're my friend!


Remember: A friend will help you move. A really good friend will help you move a body.
Let me know if I ever need to bring a shovel.

[bonyhadi]

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. After a few minutes, he starts
dialing numbers like a telephone but on the back of his hand.
He then flips his hand over, and starts talking into the palm of his
hand.

The bartender walks over and tells him this is a very tough
neighborhood and he doesn't need any trouble from weirdos here.
The guy says, "you don't understand. I'm very high tech. I had a
phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the
cellular."
The bartender says, "prove it." The guy dials up a number and hands
his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and
carries on a brief conversation.
"That's incredible," he says, "I would never have believed it."
"yeah" said the man, "I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you
name it. By the way, where is the men's room?"
The man goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes pass and he doesn't return.
Fearing the worst and given the violence in the neighborhood, the
bartender goes to check on him.
The bartender finds the guy spread eagle against the wall. His pants
are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper shoved up his rear.
"Oh no!" said the bartender, "Did the locals rob you? Are you hurt?"
The man casually turns around and says, "no, I'm just waiting for a
fax."
================================
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her
from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist.

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is
exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you
should get off your caboose and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism,

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp.

If you don't, you're an insensitive jerk.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated
woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.
If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist.

If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're up on yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
=======================================
The Fart Poem


At times it is silent, at times it is not
at times it sneaks out and burns oh so hot!
When you'd like it to happen, it just won't come out
it hides and it waits till you're out and about!
The evil ones reek and embarrass us so
then laugh as they trail us wherever we go!
I know it's a function we can't live without,
but on a first date must they really come out??
Men light them on fire - it amuses them so
women fight to be quiet so that no one will know.
I can't figure why after eating good food
the smell that results could kill many a dude!
So here's to the fart, our warm smelly friend
you begin in my tummy, then come out my rear-end!
=========================================
Regarding job layoffs in the U.S.A.:

Joe Smith started the day early having set his alarm clock
(MADE IN JAPAN)
for 6 a.m. While his coffeepot
(MADE IN CHINA)
was percolating, he shaved with his electric razor
(MADE IN HONG KONG).
He put on a dress shirt
(MADE IN SRI LANKA),
designer jeans
(MADE IN SINGAPORE)
and tennis shoes
(MADE IN KOREA).
After cooking his breakfast in his new electric skillet
(MADE IN INDIA)
he sat down with his calculator
(MADE IN MEXICO)
to see how much he could spend today.
After setting his watch
(MADE IN TAIWAN)
to the radio
(MADE IN INDIA)
he got in his car
(MADE IN GERMANY)
and continued his search for a good paying AMERICAN JOB.
At the end of yet another discouraging and fruitless day,
Joe decided to relax for a while. He put on his sandals
(MADE IN BRAZIL)
poured himself a glass of wine
(MADE IN FRANCE)
and turned on his TV
(MADE IN INDONESIA),
and then wondered why he can't find a good paying job
in.....AMERICA.....
================================
A new young MD doing his residency in o.b. was quite embarrassed while performing a female pelvic exam. He had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly
to cover his embarrassment.
The middle aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him.
He snarled "just what is so funny madam?"
She replied, "I'm sorry doctor, but the song you were whistling was..... 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'!"
================================
Michael the Dragon Master was an official in King
Arthur's court. He had a long-standing obsession
to nuzzle the beautiful Queen's voluptuous breasts.
But he knew the penalty for this would be death.

One day he revealed his secret desire to his
colleague, Horatio, who was the King's chief
physician. Horatio said, "I can arrange it, but
I will need 1,000 gold coins to pay bribes."
Michael the Dragon Master readily agreed.

The next day Horatio made up a batch of itching
powder and poured a little of it into the Queen's
brassiere while she was taking a bath. Soon after
she dressed, the itching commenced and grew in
intensity. Upon being called to the royal chambers,
Horatio told the King that only a special saliva,
if applied for four hours, would cure this type of
itch, and that tests had shown such a saliva was only
to be found in Michael the Dragon Master's mouth.

King Arthur summoned Michael the Dragon Master.
Michael the Dragon Master slipped the antidote lotion
into his mouth and for the next four hours worked
passionately on the Queen's magnificent breasts.

Satisfied, he returned to his chamber and found
Horatio demanding payment. However, with his obsession
now satisfied, he refused to pay Horatio anything and
shooed him away, knowing that Horatio could never
report this matter to the King.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same
itching powder onto King Arthur's loincloth. King Arthur
summoned Michael the Dragon Master...
===================
Q: Seven qualities in a perfect woman....
A: Beautiful, Responsible, Energetic, Adorable, Sweet, Truthful n
Self-organised. In short, she must have good B.R.E.A.S.T.S.!!

Q: What did Newton's dick say to him after seeing a nude woman?
A: **** you and your law of gravity. I am going up!!

Q: What is the difference between a chicken and a baby?
A: Chicken is the result of a sitting hen while the baby is the result of
standing cock.
===========================

[bonyhadi]

1. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians:
"Vegetarian - that's an old Indian word meaning 'lousy hunter.'"
=================================
2. Andy Rooney On Prisoners:
Did you know that it costs forty-thousand dollars a year to house each
prisoner? Jeez, for forty-thousand bucks apiece, I'll take a few
prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the
windows.
I don't think we should give free room and board to criminals. I think they
should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate
electricity. And if they don't want to run, they can rest in the chair
that's hooked up to the generator.
=================================
3. Andy Rooney On Fabric Softener:
My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then
I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,
"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark
their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April
fresh scent out of your clothes.
==================================
4. Andy Rooney On Morning Differences:
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the
morning. We can't help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women
are thinking, 'How can he want me the way I look in the morning?' It's
because we can't see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
===============================
5. Andy Rooney On Phone-In-Polls:
You know those shows where people call in and vote on different issues?
Did you ever notice there's always like 18% that say "I don't know." It
costs
90 cents to call up and vote and they're voting "I don't know." Honey, I
feel very strongly about this. Give me the phone. (Says into phone) "I DON'T
KNOW!" (Hangs up looking proud.) Sometimes you have to stand up
for what you believe you're not sure about." This guy probably calls up
phone sex girls for $2.95 to say, "I'm not in the mood."
===============================
6. Andy Rooney On Cripes:
My wife's from the Midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They
use words like 'Cripes'. 'For Cripe's sake.' Who would that be -- Jesus
Cripe's?
The son of 'Gosh' of the church of 'Holy Moly'? I'm not making fun of it.
You think I wanna burn in 'Heck'?
=================================
7. Andy Rooney On Grandma:
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, 'Sexy Senior
Citizen.' You don't want to think of your grandmother that way, do you?
Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar
she gave you for your birthday.
===============================
8. Andy Rooney On Answering Machines:
Did you ever hear one of these corny, positive messages on someone's
answering machine? " Hi , it's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right
now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: "Share the love."
Beep.
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling....Speaking of being
positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love."
=====================================
9. Andy Rooney on Research:
Because over the past few years, more money has been spent on breast
implants and VIAGRA than is spent on Alzheimer's Disease research, it is
believed that by the year 2030 there will be a large number of people
wandering around with huge breasts and erections...who can't remember
what to do with them.
-----------
On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from

his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not

necessarily those of his parents."
---------------

[CobraDan]

A lawyer was opening the door of his BMW when suddenly a car came along and
hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the
scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious
BMW.

"Officer, look what they've done to my Beemer!" he whined.

"Geez! Could you be more materialistic?" asked the officer. "You're so
worried about your stupid BMW, you didn't even notice that your left arm was
ripped off!"

The lawyer finally noticed the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was.
"Oh ****! Lost my Rolex too???!!!"

[bonyhadi]

"Large cats can be dangerous, but a little ***** never hurt anyone,"
=====================
First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needin' ".
After casting about for a suitable pearl, He kept messing
around and created a girl. Two beautiful legs, so long and
so slender, Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,
Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.
Then he added a mouth. Ruined the whole damned thing!!!
==============
Mary went to the doctor complaining of body odor.

"Do you wash?" the doctor asked the smelly young girl.

"Oh, yes," Mary answered. "Each morning, I start at my head and
wash down as far as possible. Then I start at my feet and I wash
up as far as possible."

"Well," the doctor concluded, "Go home and wash 'possible'!!!"
================================================== ====================
The old rules (baseball sex terms)
1st base= Kissing
2nd base= Tongue kissing
3rd base= Hands down partners pants
Home run= Sex

Here is the new standardized guide (and other terms/meanings)
On deck= Having plans for a date
Strike out= Stood up/didn't score/couldn't get it up
Walk= Kissing
Bunt= Masturbation
Single= tongue kissing
Double= Breast/chest touched, some clothes off, lots of grabbing and
feeling
Triple= Most of clothes off, genital contact, and or mutual
masturbation
Inside the park home run= Oral sex
Home run= Sex
Ground out double= Would have sex, no condom
Relief pitcher= Vibrator
Error= condom breaking during sex
Banned for life for gambling= Having sex with out a condom
Hall of fame= Marriage
Rain delay= Parents/Room mate come home early
Box seats= Water bed
Seventh ining stretch= Unusual positions
Rookie= Virgin
Minor leagues= Under 18
Grand slam= Sex 4 times in a 12 hour period.
==================================
A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened, you look terrible!"
"What do you mean? I'm fine."
"What about that wooden leg? You didn't have that before."
"Well," said the pirate, "we were in a battle at sea and a cannon ball hit my leg, but the Doc fixed me up, and I'm fine, really."
Oh yeah? Well, what about that hook? The last time I saw you, you had both hands."
"Well, we were in another battle and we boarded the enemy ship. I was in a sword fight and my hand was cut off, but the Doc fixed me up with the hook, and
I feel great, really."
"Oh," said the bartender, "what about that eye patch? The last time you were in here you had both eyes."
"One day when we were at sea some birds were flying over the ship. I looked up and one of them **** in my eye."
"You're kidding," said the bartender, "you couldn't have lost an eye just from some bird ****!"
"It was my first day with the hook."
=======================
Why did the blonde have a bruised and stretched belly button?
Her boyfriend is blonde.
======================
A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He dosen't know if he's
going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his
son's sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out
of nowhere a beautiful nurse walks in, kneels down & blows him without
saying a word.

The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son! I love this
place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home!".

The son says, "Wow, Pop. You sound really happy. What happenened?"

The old man says, "You won't believe it! I woke up this morning with a
hard on & the most beautiful nurse I've ever seen came into my room and
blew me. Didn't say a word, just blew me."

"Well that sounds great dad, congratulations."

Later that day the old man is walking down the hall in his walker. He
slips and falls and can't get up. A big hillbilly orderly comes up to
him, rips his pants off, screws him and leaves him there in a heap.

The old man crawls to a phone and calls his son. "Son you've got to get

me out of here, this place is nuts!"

"What happend pop you sound terrible!"

"Well, I was walking with my walker and I fell down and I couldn't get
up.
Then this big hillbilly orderly came by, ripped my pants down and
screwed me!"

"Well ya know dad you got a blowjob this morning, You gotta take the
good with the bad..."

"No, you don't understand, Son!"

"I only get a hard on once a month! I fall down three-four times a
day!"
===========================
The Creation Of *****

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine, created a ***** to their design.
First was a carpenter, strong and bold, using a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.
Second was a butcher, endowed with wit, using a knife, he gave it a slit. Then came a tailor, tall and thin, with a piece of red velvet, he lined it within.
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout, using a piece of fur, he lined it without. Then came a fisherman, nasty as Hell, he threw in a fish and gave it a smell.
Next was a preacher, whose name was McGee, he touched it and blessed it and said it could pee.
Finally, a sailor, the dirty little runt, he ****ed it and sucked it and called it a ****.
==================================Breast Tax Law

The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is not quite true, there is one (or should I say 2) other things:
"1040 B Standard Breasts Tax Form"
Since the IRS has decided to tax men's penises, it has come to believe that women shouldn't be left out. So they have decided that a Breast Tax is in order. Please
refer to the chart below for your tax computation:
AA cup Flat rate $ 5.00A cup Slight rise $10.00
B cup Normal rate $15.00
C cup Over abundant rate $20.00
D cup* "Are they real?" rate $40.00
PLEASE NOTE: Anyone under AA cup is eligible for a refund.
PLEASE DO NOT REQUEST AN ENLARGEMENT!
* Females exceeding D cup should consult their tax advisor for the KNOCK YOUR EYES OUT Capital Gains tax.
Boobs Checker,
Internal Revenue Service
============================
Masturbators of America,
Give Yourself a Hand!
You don't need to use a condom
You don't need a dental dam
You don't need to say "I Love You" or "Here's Fifty Dollars, Ma'am."
Don't need to spring for dinner,
Or wear all that sexy stuff
All you need's a set of fingers and a wanker or a muff
'Cause everybody's doin' it, all across the land
Masturbators Of America,
Give Yourselves A Hand!
It's natural, and organic
It's easy and it's fun
If you don't know how to do it ask your parents how it's done
You don't need a special license
You don't need a special skill
Just unzip and slip your grip between your hips and get a thrill
'Cause everybody's doin' it, and boy does it feel grand,
Masturbators of America,
Give Yourselves a Hand!
You can do it in the bathroom
You can do it in your bed
You can do it at a concert while you watch the Grateful Dead
You can rub it with some lotion
You can stroke it with a cloth
Arnold Schwartzenegger pounds it,
Michael Jackson jacks it off
Your attitude will soften, your horizons will expand.
Masturbators of America,
Give Yourself a Hand!
===========================
I meet a hot babe last night, she undid my fly and started playing with my dick!

I said "you handle that well" she said "I should; I used to have one!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
For a long time, Mary had a fantasy of being with a black man.

One night, when she was in a bar, she met a handsome black man who appeared to be great, so she figured, what the crap, she'd go for it. So Mary asked the
fellow to come home with her.



When the two got to Mary's apartment, Mary told the black about her fantasy, and asked if he would be a part of it.

The black man agreed, so the two headed for Mary's bedroom.
Mary said, "OK, first, I want you to undress me and tie me to the bed!" So the black guy did so.



By this time, Mary was worked into a passionate frenzy. She looked up at the black guy and said, "Now, big boy, do what you black boys do best!"

So the black guy beat her up, took up her VCR, and left.
=========================

A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the
first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue,
gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.
The man isn't sure why she is shuddering and goes back to
reading. A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She
takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently
in her seat. The man is becoming more and more curious about the
shuddering. A few more minutes pass.
The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue, gently
wipes her nose and shudders violently again.
The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the
woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed and three
times you've taken a tissue and wiped your nose then
shuddered violently! Are you sending me signals, or are you
going crazy."
The woman replies, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you. I have a
rare condition and when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."
The man, now feeling a little embarrassed but even more
curious says,
"I've never heard of that before. What are you taking for it?"
The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."


==============================

[bonyhadi]

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT. . .

....Lost her boyfriend because she forgot where she laid him.
....Thought that asphalt was rectum trouble.
....Was called tapioca because she could be made in a minute.
....Thought her typewriter was pregnant because it missed a period.
....Thought that "no kidding" meant some form of birth control.
....Thought that Peter Pan was something for under the bed.
....Thought that "Moby Dick" was a venereal disease.
....Thought that a sanitary belt was a drink from clean shot glass.
....Smelled good only on the right side because she couldn't find the left guard.
....Wore union pants because her best friend was having labor pains.
....Studied 5 days for a urine test.
....Thought KOTEX was a radio station in Texas.
....Thought fetus was a character from "Gunsmoke".
....Thought a mushroom was a place to kiss.
....Was in the Indy 500 and had 7 pit stops, 1 for gas and 6 for directions.
....Put 75 holes in her face?...she was learning to eat with a fork.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Hickory dickory dock
Some girl was sucking my cock
The clock struck two
I shot my goo
And dumped the ***** on the next block.
=============================
Someone suggested we should rebuild the Towers with the names Freedom and Unity, and
let the terrorists figure out what the initials stand for."
================================
A man and his wife are watching boxing on TV. The husband sighs and says, "I'm
disappointed! It was all over in four minutes."

The wife replies, "Good! now you know how I feel."
================================
There is an 80 year old virgin who suddenly gets an itch in her crotch area. She goes to the
doctor who checks her out and tells her she has crabs.

She explained that she couldn't have crabs because she was a virgin, but the doctor didn't
believe her, so she went to get a second opinion.

The second doctor gave her the same answer. So she went to a third doctor and said,
"Please help me! This itch is killing me and I know
that I don't have crabs because I'm a virgin!"

The doctor checks her out and says, "I have good news and bad news. The good news is that
you don't have crabs,... the bad news is that your cherry rotted and you have fruit flies!"
===============================
I took a very classy and absolutely gorgeous lady on our first date the other evening. We
had dinner at a very nice restaurant and went to a stage show afterwards. We were getting
along fabulously and as the time came to part I drove her to her house and walked her to
her front door.

Being a gentleman I thanked her for her company, saying she was so beautiful she reminded
me of a wild rambling rose. She thanked me for the compliment and we parted, but not
before we arranged to see each other the following evening.

I arrived at her house the next evening as arranged, walked to and knocked on her front
door. She came to the door, opened it and punched me right in the mouth.

Somewhat surprised as one would expect, I asked her what had caused her to do that?

She replied, "After you dropped me home last night I was very flattered by the
compliment you gave me and looked up wild rambling rose in my encyclopedia. It said that
they did not perform well in bed but when tied to a fence or wall, rooted very well."
===============================
A man walked into a cowboy bar and ordered a beer just as former President Clinton
appeared on the television. After a few sips, he
looked up at the television and mumbled:

"Now, there's the biggest horse's ass I've ever seen."

A customer at the end of the bar quickly stood up, walked over to him,and decked him. A
few minutes later, as the man was finishing his beer, Hillary Clinton appeared on the
television. "She's a horse's ass too."

This time, a customer at the other end of the bar quickly stood up,walked over to him, and
knocked him off his stool.

"Damn it!" the man said, climbing back up to the bar.

"This must be Clinton country!"

"Nope," the bartender replied. "Horse country!"
===============================
So well stacked was the new coed named Brenda
All the studs wanted to part her pudenda
But, to their dismay
They discover her first lay
Was not Tom, Dick ,or Harry, but, Glenda
================================

A notorious womanizer left a trail of broken hearts behind him,
until he betrayed the wrong woman-- a practicing witch.
The morning after she caught him with another girl,
he awoke with an itchy bump in the middle of his forehead.
He thought it was a pimple, but it continued to grow to
ridiculous proportions throughout the day.
In a panic, he sought the advice of a physician who examined
the man and ran tests on the strange tissue.
By now the bump was three inches long, and starting to take
an oddly familiar shape.
"What is this thing growing out of my head, Doctor?"
"We've run every test we know to confirm the findings,"
he said gravely,
"but they all tell us the same thing.
The bump in your forehead is developing into a fully grown penis."
"I can't believe this! Isn't there anything you can do?"
"I'm afraid not. Removing it would kill you."
"I'll be a freak! No woman will come near me!"
"There's more," said the Doctor.
"You're going to experience vision problems."
"Will I go blind, Doc?" said the man.
"No, you'll just have trouble seeing with testicles

hanging in front of your eyes."
================================================== ==
Two polish coal miners (Ernie & Rich) were down in the mine working. The noon whistle blew
for lunch and Ernie pulled out a thermos of hot coffee.

Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?"

Ernie says, "Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle."

Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one."

That night Rich goes home, but forgets what it is called. So the next day they are down in
the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch and Ernie pulls out his thermos
of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you got dere?"

Ernie says, "Dis is a 2 quart termos bottle."

Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one."

That night Rich goes home, but forgets what it is called again. Well Rich really wants one of
these things. So he decides the next day when he asks he's going to write it down so he
remembers what it is.

The next day they are down in the mine working again and the noon whistle blows for lunch
and Ernie pulls out his thermos of hot coffee. Rich looks at it and says, "Say, Ernie, vat you
got dere?"

Well, by this time Ernie's getting pretty upset. Every day Rich asks what it is and never
remembers so he decides to just make up stuff since Rich isn't going to remember anyway.

So Ernie says, "Dis is a contraceptive."

Rich says, "Ya, I have to get me one." And he writes it down. That night Rich is in the
neighborhood drug store and the pharmacist sees him walking around and says to him, "Can
I help you?"

Rich says, "Ya, I'd like a contraceptive."

And the pharmacist says, "Sure, what size?"

Rich says, "Give me da 2 quart size, I'll be working in da hole all day!"
=================================

[bonyhadi]

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, “Where the hell have you been? “

“I was out getting a tattoo.â€*

“A tattoo?â€*

“What kind of tattoo did you get?"

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis.â€*

“What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your
penis?â€*

“Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow . . .

Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money . .

Third, I like how money feels in my hand . . . And lastly, instead of you going out shopping,
you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want ! ! !â€*
==============================
For their golden anniversary, a couple decides to repeat their honeymoon trip. They drive
to the Pocono's and find the same romantic lodge is still there. A vibrant young couple,
clearly very much in love, is checking in when they arrive. The husband says, "I'll just nip
around by their window and see what they are doing. Maybe we can get some ideas to spice
up our 50th year!"

Sure enough, through a crack in the curtains he sees the young couple engaged in foreplay.
They are naked, sitting on the floor some distance apart with their legs spread. The young
man is shooting marbles, aiming to lodge them between her vertical lips; she is tossing
doughnuts, aiming to ring them around his erect member. After a few minutes of this, they
rush together and make mad tumultuous love like crazed weasels.

The old man is quite excited by this idea, and makes his way back to his eagerly waiting
wife. He describes the game, his wife getting more and more aroused herself.

"Darling, this is going to be so good," she says, "Run right out and get some grapefruit and
Lifesavers!"
===========================
A sex-starved wife is fed up with her boozy husband. Every night he comes in drunk and
falls asleep straight away. It comes to a point where she hasn't had a good shag for over a
year and is considering divorce.

After another night in the pub, she decides to confront him when he gets home. When he
staggers through the front door, before she can have a go at him, he coos "baby, get
upstairs to the bedroom".

She can't believe it - at last he's going to give her one. They get to the bedroom and he
rips off her clothes. "Now darling do a hand-stand against the full length mirror on the
wall".

"Hmmm," she thinks "KINKY. I like it." She does the handstand and her hubby pulls her
legs apart and puts his chin between her legs right on her muff.

"The boys down the pub were right," he says, "a Goatee WOULD suit me!"
=======================================
Mathematics of sex:

Add a bed;
Subtract your clothes;
Divide your legs;
And Pray to G-d you don't Multiply!
-=============================
Archaeologists have finally come up with an explanation as to why man eventually began
walking uprightâ€| to free up their hands for
masturbation.
========================
What does a gay man and an ambulance have in common?
They both get loaded from the rear and go Woo-Whoo!
===========================
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still has not gotten out of her depression,
mourning as if it were only yesterday. Her daughter constantly calls her and urges her to
get back into the world.

Finally, Sadie agrees to go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replies,
"Mama! I have someone for you to meet."

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks he
asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills. And we know what that means.

One room and the normal follow up to that. Their first night there she undresses. There
she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties. He is in his birthday suit. Looking at
her he asks "Why the panties?"

She replies, "My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am
still in mourning."

He knows he's not getting lucky that night. The following night the same scenario. Her
standing there with the black panties on and he in his birthday suit except that he has an
erection on which he has a black condom.

She looks at him and asks, "What's with this... a black condom?"

He replies, "I'm going to offer my condolences.
=====================================

Little Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady answers, and he says,
"Collect... that'll be five dollars."
She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give you sex instead."
Johnny says, "All right."
He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the
biggest dick she's ever seen. Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of
huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his dick.
She says, "You don't have to do that...I can take all of it."

He says, "Not for five bucks you can't."
=================================================
A man is doing yard work and his wife is about to take a shower. When the man realizes
that he can't find the rake, he yells up to his wife, "Where is the rake?"

Because of the water running, she can't hear him and shouts back, "What?"

Deciding to use gestures, the man first points to his eye, then points to his knee and finally
makes a raking motion.

The wife is not sure and says, "What?"

The man repeats his gestures. "EYE KNEE THE RAKE"

The wife replies that she understands and begins to send signals back. First, she points to
her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her butt, finally she points at
her crotch.

Well, there is no way in hell the man can even come close on that one. Exasperated, he goes
upstairs and asks her "What in the friggin' hell
was that?"

While repeating the gestures, she verbally explains "EYE - LEFT TIT - BEHIND - THE
BUSH"
=======================================

[bonyhadi]

WHICH FART ARE YOU

ART FART
It's such a beauty you want to immortalize it on canvas.

ARROGANT FART
When you think your farts don't stink.

ASSAULT FART
A sudden attack that shoots virtual flames out your arse.

TIRE FART
You can't control the blow out.

BEER FARTS
These come out of every 'can' and smell like warm beer.

JAIL FART
Been doing time inside you for quite awhile, and finally makes its great escape.

DONKEY FART
Your ass is the only one that can do it.

GHOST FART
You can't hear it, you can't see it, and you can't smell it.

HOME ALONE FART
When you're home alone and a great one is wasted on no one.

SHOE FART
When you bend over to tie your shoe laces and one escapes.

TANK FART
When you refer to your farts as 'gas'.

OLD FART
You know how old it is by how bad it smells.

BRAIN FART
You need to fart, but nothing comes out.

ALZHEIMER FART
A confused fart that heads the wrong way, and becomes a burp.

NOT-ME FART
When you drop a bomb in a crowded elevator, turn around to the person behind you and give
a disgusted look and whisper "PIG!"

U.F.O. FART
When someone farts in crowded room, label it as a "Unidentified Foul Odor".
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Which Condom Would You Use?

Nike Condoms: Just Do It!

Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling!

Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby!

Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop!

Ford Condoms: The best never rest!

Chevy Condoms: Like a rock!

New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey you never know!

California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?

Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever!

KFC Condoms: Finger-licking good! !

Coca Cola Condoms: Always the real thing!

Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one!

Campbell's Soup Condoms:Mmm mmm good!

AT&T Condoms: Reach out and touch someone!

Bounty Condoms: The quicker picker upper!

Energizer Condoms: It keeps going and going....!

M&M Condoms: It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!

Taco Bell Condoms: Get some; make a run for the border!

MCI Condoms: For friends and family!

Doublemint Condoms: Double your pleasure, double your fun!
=====================================

The Ten Commandments, Ebonically Interpreted :
1. I be G-d. Don' be dissing me.
2. Don' be makin hood ornaments outa me or nothin in my crib.
3. Don' be callin me for no reason - homey don' play that.
4. Y'all betta be in church on Sundee.
5. Don' dis ya mama ... an if ya know who ya daddy is, don' dis him neither.
6. Don' ice ya bros.
7. Stick it to ya own woman.
8. Don' be liftin no goods.
9. Don' be frontin like you all that an no snitchin on ya homies.
10. Don' be eyein' ya homie's crib, ride, or nuffin. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sign on the escalator door read, "This escalator is out of whack." By the next day someone used a crayon to add "More whack is on order."
=======================================
The madam of a whorehouse is having a great year for business, so she
decides to divide her reception area in half so she'll have another
bedroom.

She calls a carpenter in to do the work. He puts up the wall and when
he's finished, he says, "That'll be fifteen hundred bucks, Miss."

She takes him by the hand, leads him into the new bedroom, takes off all
her clothes, and lies on the floor with her legs wide apart. She says
with a smile, "I don't have any cash, so I thought you might like to
take it out in trade."

He gets down on the floor next to her, puts his middle finger in her
asshole and his thumb in her ***** and says, "All right, lady, give me
my fifteen hundred bucks or I'm gonna rip out the partition!"
~~~THE PENIS POEM~~~

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
>From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoe.

~~~HALFWAY~~~

The mother catches her kid masturbating and warns him:

"Futh, you're gonna go BLIND if you keep touching yourself."

And the kid answers, "Well, can I just do it, then, until I need
glasses
=====================

[bonyhadi]

Three young women are at a cocktail party.
The conversation turns to their position in life and it's clear that
they are trying to one-up each other.
The first one says,
"My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for
two weeks on vacation,"
and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.
The second one says,
"Well, my husband just bought me a New Mercedes,"
and looks about with considerable pride.
Number three says,
"Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money
and we don't have nay material possessions.
However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that
thirteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect penis."
After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says,
"Girls, I've got a confession to make. I was just trying to impress you.
You know that vacation I was telling you about?
Well, It's not to the French Riviera. It's to my parents' house in
Philadelphia for two weeks."
The second one says,
"Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes.
He bought me a Honda."
"Well," the third one says, "I also have a confession to make.
Canary number thirteen has to stand on one leg!"
=====================
The famous sex therapist was on the radio taking questions when a
caller asked, "Doctor, I want to know, why do men always want to marry
a virgin?
To which the doctor handily responded, "To avoid criticism."
================================================== ====================
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing
to marry a man if he has never been with a woman.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out
a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his
entire life in the Australian outback. They end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom. When she returns
to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the
room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a
kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get."
================================================== ====================
THIS IS A NATIONWIDE BULLETIN.....
a truck carrying a load of Viagra has been hijacked!!
The police are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.......
================================================== ====================
Creeping around to the bedroom window, the private detectives saw
their client's wife in bed with another man.

"Just as I suspected," said the first. "Let's go in after him."

"Great idea," the other replied. "How soon do you think he'll be
finished?"
==============================
An irate guy stormed into a drug store looking like he'd just been
dragged out of a river. Clutching a rumpled box of sanitary napkins he
says to the clerk, "S.O.B.! I'm gonna sue your ass for selling me this
bull****!" "What are you talking about?" asks the startled clerk.
"Look here," says the guy, pointing to the wrinkled box, eyes popping
with rage.
"It says, 'You can swim while wearing these.' "Don't it say that?
Well, S.O.B., that's a gotdam lie! I had six of these bull**** things
tied 'round me and I damn near drowned!"
====================================
Why are Jewish Mothers always excused from jury duty?
They all insist that they're the guilty ones.
==================================

[bonyhadi]

A hot looker walked into a record store and told the clerk, "Do you
have the latest from Nine Inch Nails?"

The clerk ogled her, then said, "What I have is a splendid 8-inch
wanker."

The puzzled girl asked, "Is that a record?"

The clerk proudly returned, "No, but its better than average."
=================================
16 REASONS WHY ALCOHOL SHOULD BE SERVED AT WORK...

1. It's an incentive to show up.
2. It leads to more honest communications.
3. It reduces complaints about low pay.
4. Employees tell management what they think, not what they want to
hear.
5. It encourages car pooling.
6. Increase job satisfaction because if you have a bad job, you don't
care.
7. It eliminates vacations because people would rather come to work.
8. It makes fellow employees look better.
9. It makes the cafeteria food taste better.
10. Bosses are more likely to hand out raises when they are wasted.
11. Salary negotiations are a lot more profitable.
12. Employees work later since there's no longer a need to relax at the
bar.
13. It makes everyone more open with their ideas.
14. Eliminates the need for employees to get drunk on their lunch
break.
15. Employees no longer need coffee to sober up.
16. Sitting "Bare ass" on the copy machine will no longer be seen as
gross.
==================================
Blonde Moments!

One family was visiting another in a different state. The little boy
who was Jewish and the young blonde girl, a Catholic, decided to go
swimming in a near by stream. Not having thier swim suits with them,
they decided to "skinny dip".
After swimming in the nude for a while, they were resting on the bank.
The girl couldn't help but notice the anatomical difference and said,
"Gee, I didn't know there was such a difference between Catholics and
Jews!"
================================================== ====================
She was only the...

Janitor's daughter, and she was often swept off her feet.

Jockey's Daughter, But All The Horse Manure.

Junkie's Daughter But Her Crack Was The Best In Town.

Lighthouse Keeper's Daughter, But She Never Went Out At Night.

Magistrates Daughter, But She Knew What To Do On The Bench.

Mason's daughter, but she got laid up and down the block.

Mechanic's daughter, But she was awfully auto-erotic.

Meter-Reader's Daughter But She Liked A Copper In Her Slot.

Milkman's Daughter, But She Was Cream Of The Crop.

Moonshiner's Daughter, But I Love Her Still.

Musician's Daughter, But She Knew All The Bars In Town.
================================================== ===========
A married couple was having dinner and the conversation got around to
transplants and artificial body parts.

"They 'll make an artificial dick next," the wife said.

"Bull****!" replied the husband, "There are something's you can't make
besides, what would you make it from?"

"Iron," she told him.

"Don't be stupid, woman. It'd rust."

"Ok, brass then," she insisted.

"That's bloody ridiculous," scoffed the husband. "Men would never be
able to keep it clean."

"Rubbish!" she told him. "I've watched you polish yours while watching
porno videos for years !"
======================

A husband, one bright sunny morning, turns to his lovely wife, "Wife, we're going fishing this weekend, you, me and the dog."
The wife grimaces, "But I don't like fishing!"
"Look! We're going fishing and that's final."
"Do I have to go fishing with you... I really don't want to go!"
"Right I'll give you three choices... 1 You come fishing with me and the dog... 2 You give me a BLOW JOB.... 3 or you take it up the ass!"
The wife grimaces again, "But I don't want to do any of those things!"
"Wife I've given you three options.. You'll HAVE to do one of them! I'm going to the garage to sort out my fishing tackle, when I come back I expect you to have
made up your mind!"The wife sits and thinks about it. Twenty minutes later her husband comes back, "Well! What have you decided? FISHING with me and the dog,
BLOW JOB, or ass?"
The wife complains some more and finally makes up her mind, "O.K. I'll give you a blow job!"
"Great!" He says and drops his pants.
The wife is on her knees doing the business. Suddenly she stops, looks up at her Husband, "Oh! It tastes absolutely disgusting... It tastes all ****ty!"
"Yes!" says her husband "The dog didn't want to go fishing either."
===================================
A husband and wife were shopping when the wife said, "Darling, its my mothers birthday tomorrow. What shall we buy for her? She would like something electric."

The husband replied, "How about a chair?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ira knew nothing about the wild when he went on his first hunting trip. He walked into a clearing and was surprised to find a young woman lying there in the nude.

"Pardon me," Ira said, "are you game?"

She looked him up and down and seductively said, "Yes."

[bonyhadi]

ra knew nothing about the wild when he went on his first hunting trip. He walked into a clearing and was surprised to find a young woman lying there in the nude.

"Pardon me," Ira said, "are you game?"

She looked him up and down and seductively said, "Yes."

So he shot her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
These two drunks were in a bar. One said to the other, "I have to go pee."
The other said, "I do to. Pee for me while you are in there."
The guy says, "ok"
He staggers to the john, and is gone for a long time.
When he comes back, he hits the other drunk and knocks him to the floor.
The 2nd drunk looks up and says, " why did you hit me?"
"If you had told me you had to ****, I would have pulled down my pants."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An insurance agent was teaching his wife to drive when the brakes suddenly failed on a steep, downhill grade.

"I can't stop!" she shrilled. "What should I do?"

"Brace yourself," advised her husband, "and try to hit something cheap!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Why are men Thinkers and women Talkers?
Because men have two heads and women have four lips.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The young couple is on their honeymoon. After a few hours of exhausting great sex he says, "Now you won't see me for a while."

"Where're on our honeymoon!" she exclaims. "Where do you think you're going?"

"Nowhere, Sweetie," he says. "Please turn over."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My doctor says the insomnia I suffer from is caused by my drinking late at night. So I've decided to start drinking earlier in the day.
=========================
This guy and his girlfriend head to the local bar. The girl says she'll be happy to pick up the round as she's heard of a new drink she wants him to try. She gets back
to the table and has two drinks for him. One is a shot of Bailey's, and the other a shot of lime juice.
She says, "Ok, what you have to do is swig the Bailey's, hold it in your mouth, and then drink the lime juice." He looks a little dubious but does as he's told because
she's really cute when she's enthusiastic and he has plans for later.
First he swigs the Bailey's, holding it and swishing it back and forth over his tongue. Smooth. Creamy. A warm feeling in his mouth.
Then he adds the lime juice to mix with the Bailey's.
After about a second, the cream in the Bailey's curdles in his mouth. Two seconds into it his face turns the color of fresh lime juice. Five seconds and he finally calms
his stomach enough to swallow the mess.
With a look of near horror on his face, he turns to her and asks, "Why did you give me such a God-awful combination?"
She whispers in his ear....

"It's called Blowjob revenge"
==============================
Twin brothers were named Joe and John, Joe was the
owner of an old dilapidated boat. It happened that John's wife died the
same day that Joe's boat sank.

A few days later a kindly old lady met Joe on the street mistaking him
for John, she said to him, "I'm sorry for your loss, you must feel
terrible".

Joe said, "Oh hell no, fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her.
She was a rotten old thing from the beginning, her bottom was all
shriveled up and she smelled like dead fish. She was always losing
water, had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front
which got bigger every time I used her.

She leaked like crazy and it was difficult to keep her upright.
But what really finished her off was when four tough guys rented her for
a good time. I warned them that she wasn't any good, but they all
wanted to have a go with her anyhow. The damn fools all tried to get on
her at the same time and it was just too much for the old girl, while
they were trying to get into their various positions she split up the
middle".

The old woman fainted.

~~~BEING DRAFTED~~~

Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from The military
base. The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent. He saw a nun
seated on a round bench beneath a tree, quietly reading a book.

He said to her, "Quick sister, please hide me I don't want to be drafted
and the M.P.'s are chasing me!"

She lifted up her skirt and said, "Quick hide under here."

The two policemen came by and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied,
"No."

After they left she told the young boy to come out and that everything
was going to be OK. He thanked her and said, "You have a nice set of
legs for a nun!"

She replied, "If you reach up a little farther you'll find a nice set of
balls too. I'm not going to be drafted either!"~~~LIKE MICROSOFT~~~

If Restaurants Functioned Like Microsoft...

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support.
Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup. Try eating it with a
fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl. What kind of bowl
are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem.
How was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer. What has that to do with the
fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly
in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day??
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check.
I'm running late now.
[waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . $1.00
============================
One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten
years sees an unusual speck on the horizon. "It's certainly not a ship,"
he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to
rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde
woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She approaches the stunned guy
and says to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a
cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the stunned man.
With that she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left
sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights
it, takes a long drag and says, "Man, on Man! Is that good!!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of bourbon?" she asks
him.
Trembling the castaway replies, "Ten years,"
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands
it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says "WOW, that's
absolutely fantastic!"

At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down
the front of her wet suit, looks at the man seductively and asks, "And
how long has it been since you've played around?"

With tears in his eyes the guy falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh Sweet
Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there!!"
===================
WORMS :
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
Lesson: As long as you drink, smoke and have sex......you won''t get worms.
======================
Have you ever wondered what it would be like if G-d decided to install voice mail? Imagine praying and hearing the following:
Thank you for calling Heaven.
For English, Press 1.
For Spanish, press 2.
For all other languages, press 0.
Please select one of the following options:
Press 1 for Requests.
Press 2 for Thanksgiving.
Press 3 for Complaints.
Press 4 for all other inquiries.
I am sorry. All of our angels and saints are busy helping other sinners right now. However, your prayer is important to us, and we will
answer it in the order it was received. Please stay on the line.
If you would like to speak to:
G-d, press 1.
Jesus, press 2.
Holy Spirit, press 3
If you would like to hear King David sing a Psalm while you are holding, press 4.
To find a loved one that has been assigned to Heaven, Press 5, then enter his or her social security number, followed by the pound
sign.
If you receive a negative response, please hang up and try area code 666.
For reservations at Heaven, please enter J-O-H-N, followed by the numbers 3-1-6.
For answers to nagging questions about dinosaurs, the age of the earth, life on other planets, and where Noah's Ark is, please wait
until you arrive.
Our computers show that you have already prayed today. Please hang-up and try again tomorrow.
The office is now closed for the weekend, to observe a religious holiday. Please pray again on Monday after 9:30 am. If you are
calling after hours and need emergency assistance, please contact your local pastor. Thank you, and have a heavenly day.
=====================================

[CobraDan]

. Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, "Mabel, did
you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?" Mabel answered, "I
have? A suppository?" She pulled it out & stared at it. Then she said,
"Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where my hearing aid
is."
----------------------------------------------
2. When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the
paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers
delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,
"You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea. Replied the
widow, "I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea,
but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great
lover rather than the big **** he always was."
----------------------------------------------
3. An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were
standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and
washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find
her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he
would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and
finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: Sir, sorry to inform
you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up
to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl
worth $50,000 . .please advise. The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl
and re-bait the trap.

------------------------------------------------------
4. A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At
the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when
they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint
moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She
lives for ten
more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of
it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the
casket towards the door, the husband cries out, "Watch that wall!"
------------------------------------------------------
5. When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench
sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I
have a 22-year-old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and
then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground
coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me
homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me
for half the afternoon." I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said,
"For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and
then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. I said, "Well, why in the world would
you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!"
-----------------------------------------------------
6. Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they
had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities
had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day they
were
playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at
me.....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think
of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell
me
what your name is. Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she
just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to
know?
================================================== ====

THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good
fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm "older" (but refuse to grow up), here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into All Bran.
3. I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded . . .
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent minded .
5. If all is not lost, where is it?
6. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
7. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the
bathroom.
8. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
9. It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
10. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter... I go
somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

Now, I think you're supposed to send this to 5 or 6, maybe 10. Oh well,
send it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are. Then
something is supposed to happen . . . I think. (Maybe you get your memory
back.)

[CobraDan]

As an Atheist walked through the forest, he looked at the beauty
around him and said, "What natural wonders the powers of evolution have created."
Just then he heard a rustling near the river. He went to investigate and a 7-foot-tall grizzly bear came bounding toward him. The man took off like a shot and when he turned he saw the bear was catching up fast.
He tried with all his strength to pick up the pace, but he tripped and crashed to the ground. As he tried to get up, the bear jumped on his chest and picked up one paw to whack him.
The atheist screamed, "Oh my God!!!"
Time stopped! The bear froze The forest was silent Even the river stopped moving.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice boomed from the heavens,
"You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist,
and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help
you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could
you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," the voice said.
The light went out! The river ran again. And the sounds of the forest
resumed. And then the bear dropped its right paw, brought both paws
together, bowed its head and spoke:
"Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly
thankful."

[bonyhadi]

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust
and she's in dire financial straits.
She's so desperate that she decides to ask G-d for help. She begins to pray... "G-d, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going
to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."
Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.
She again prays... "G-d, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My G-d, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my
business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask
you for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me
win the lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde
is overwhelmed by the Voice of G-d Himself...
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket."
========================================
Gay Bob goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run. The doctor
comes back and says, "Bob, I'm not going to beat around the bush. You
have AIDS."

Bob is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

"Eat 1 sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot
sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, box of Grape nuts
and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.

Bob asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?"

Doc says, "No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of
what your ass is supposed to be used for."
===================================
Little Johnny came into the bathroom while his mother was taking
a shower. He asked, "Mommy what's that between your legs?"
She told him that was her squirrel. Later that day he was in the
bathroom again while grandma was taking a shower and he asked,
"Grandma what's that between your legs?"
She replied, "That's my squirrel."
Then little Johnny said, "Mommy has one too, but hers is not as gray
as yours." Grandma replied,
"Well, your mommy's squirrel hasn't cracked as many nuts as mine has!"
==============================================
Which Video to Buy
For sale - Which to Buy? Titanic or The Clinton Video -
A comparison of two different, yet strangely similar stories.

TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love,
and
subsequent catastrophe
TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bull**** artist

TITANIC VIDEO: In one part, Jack enjoys a good cigar
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit
CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go there

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's forced to return her gifts

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica doesn't remember Jack

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica... uh, never mind

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary ... basically the same
thing.
====================
This man in a Ford Granada pulls up next
to a guy in a Rolls Royce at a stop sign.

Their windows are open and he yells at the
guy in the Rolls: "Hey, you got a telephone
in there?"

The guy in the Rolls says, "Yes, of course
I do." "I got one too... see?"

"Uh, huh, yes, that's very nice." Then the man
in the Granada says, "You got a fax machine?"

"Why, actually, yes, I do." "I do too! See? It's
right here!"

"Uh-huh." The light is just about to turn green
and the guy in the Granada says, "So, do YOU
have a double bed in back there?"

And the guy in the Rolls says, "NO! Do
you?"

"Yep, got my double bed right in back here see?!"

The light turns and the man in the Granada
takes off.

Well, the guy in the Rolls is not about
to be one-upped, so he goes immediately
to a customizing shop and orders them to
put a double bed in back of his car.

About two weeks later, the job is finally done
and he picks up his car and drives all over
town looking for the Granada.

He finally finds it parked alongside the road
so he pulls his Rolls up next to it.

The windows on the Granada are all fogged
up and he feels a little awkward about it,
but he gets out of his newly modified Rolls
and taps on the foggy window of the Granada.

The man in the Granada finally opens the
window a crack and peeks out.

The guy in the Rolls says, "Hey. Remember
me?"

"Yeah, yeah, I remember you. What's up?"

"Check this out... I got a double bed
installed in my Rolls."

And the man in the Granada says, "YOU GOT ME
OUT OF THE SHOWER TO TELL ME THAT?!"
===========================
A couple goes to bed to sleep for the night. In the middle of the night, the wife wakes up laughing and laughing and laughing. Her husband
groggily asks, "What are you laughing about?"

She tells him that she has just had a dream and she dreamed that she was at a cock auction. she said, "They had BIG ones there that were
12 inches long and big around and they were being auctioned off at $10,000 dollars." She went on to say that they had some 10 inch long
ones that were slightly smaller in diameter and they were going for around $8,000 dollars.

The husband is excited by now and asks "Honey were there any at the auction like mine?"

She says,"Why yes, they were over on the souvenir table and they were selling at 2 for a quarter..."

He disgustedly turns and goes back to sleep.

Well about two nights later, the husband wakes up in the middle of the night just laughing and laughing and laughing.

The wife asks him, "what in the world are you laughing about?"

He goes on to say that he dreamed he was at a ***** auction. He said, "They had little tiny ones there that had no hair at all and they were
selling for $50,000 dollars."He went on to say that they had some with just a little bit of beginning hair and they were a little larger, but going
for $42,000 dollars.

The wife is excited by this time and asks, "Honey did they have any there like mine?"

He said "Gosh honey, I am sorry, no ... WAIT... they had two. They were cooling beer in one, and throwing empties in the other!"
================================
Q: How can a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist.
---------------------------------------------------

[bonyhadi]

Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage,
they find that they are unable to communicate in the
bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't
see each other using sign language.
After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings,
the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals?
For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me,
reach over and squeeze my left breast one time.
If you don't want to have sex,
reach over and squeeze my right breast one time."
The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife,
"Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME,
reach over and pull on my penis one time.
If you don't want to have sex,

reach over and pull on my penis.....fifty times"
================================================== ===
SEX QUIZ

Q.) What doesn't belong in this list: Meat, Eggs, Wife or Blowjob?
A.) Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

Q.) Why does a penis have a hole in the end?
A.) So men can be open minded.

Q.) What's the speed limit of sex?
A.) 68 because at 69 you have to turn around.

Q.) What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?
A.) The longer you play with them, the harder they get.

Q.) What's the difference between your paycheck and your dick?
A.) You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!

Q.) Three words to ruin a man's ego?
A.) "Is it in?"

Q.) What do you get when you cross Raggedy Ann and the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
A.) A red headed ***** with a yeast infection.

Q.) How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A.) One of his fingers is clean.

Q.) What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A.) Melt them down make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q.) What does bungee jumping and hookers have in common?
A.) They both cost a hundred bucks and if the rubber breaks, you're screwed.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
~~~THE PENIS POEM~~~

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.

Time was when, on its own accord,
>From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.

Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoe.
==============================