Career Test

An older couple had a son, who was still living at home. The parents
were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his
future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar
bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table,
and hid, pretending they were not home. The father's plan was: "If our
son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible,
he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our
son will be a drunkard." So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the
nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive.
The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill,
looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he
took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the
bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then
he left for his room, carrying all three items. The father slapped his
forehead, and said: "Damn! Our son is going to be a senator someday!"







Hanging from the Edge

Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, "I'm so pissed off!". "Oh yeah? What
happened?" asked the bartender politely. "See, I met this beautiful
woman who invited me back home, and we stripped off our clothes
and jumped into bed and were just about to make love when her
goddammed husband came in the front door. So I had to jump out
of the bedroom window and hang from the ledge by my fingernails!
Dare not even look Down!". "Gee, that's tough!" commiserated the
bartender. "Right, but that's not what really got me aggravated," the
customer went on. "When her husband came into the room ,he said,'
Hey great! You're naked already! Let me just take a leak. And damned
if the lazy son of a ***** didn't piss out the window right onto my head?
"Yeech!" the bartender shook his head. "No wonder you're in a lousy
mood". "Yeah, but I haven't told you what really really make got to
me. Next, I had to listen to them grunting and groaning and when
they finished the husband tossed his condom out of the window.
And where does it land? My goddamned forehead!". "Damn, that's
really is a drag!" says the bartender. "Oh, I'm not finished.See what
really pissed me off was when the husband had to make a dump.
Turns out that their toilet is broken, so he stuck his ass out of the
window and let loose right on my head!". The bartender paled. "That
would sure mess up my day". "Yeah, yeah, yeah, "the fellow rattled
on, "but do you know what REALLY REALLY REALLY pissed me
off? When I looked down and saw that my feet were only sex inches
off the ground!"









Fun things to do when driving:

1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.

2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.

3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.

4. Two words: Chicken suit.

5. Write the words "Help me" on your back window in red paint.
The more it looks like blood, the better.

6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror
as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.

7. Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.

8. Stop at the green lights.

9. Go at the red ones.

10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out
your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.

11. Eat food that requires silverware.

12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers,
put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you
drive.

13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously.
With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.

14. Honk frequently without motivation.

15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended
and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.

16. At stop lights, ask people if they wanna hear a joke.

17. Let pedestrians know who's boss.

18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.

19. Restart your car at every stop light.

20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror.
Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.

21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw
their butts out the window.

22. Keep at least five cats in the car.

23. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.

24. If an firetruck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the
roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!

25. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.

26. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger
seat, when driving alone.

27-29, censored and I'm too lazy to change the rest of the numbers.

30. Throw Spam. ?Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.

31. Get in the fast lane and gradually... slow... down... to...a stop.
Then get out and watch the cars.

32. Vary your vehicle's speed inversely with the speed limit.

33. Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you're in.
When they tell you you're there, look confused, glance at your
map, laugh, and exclaim, "Oh! Wrong state!"

34. Sing without having the radio on.

35. At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you,
then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off...









Very Bad Day

Ok, there's this guy in a bar, sitting at the bar, just looking at
his drink. He sits, staring at his drink for over half-an-hour, not
talking and barely moving. Then, a big macho guy who has
been Playing pool takes notice of our friend at the bar, noticing
our friend just staring at his drink for a long time. This is driving
Mr. macho crazy so he walks up to the bar, grabs the drink and
chugs it right down. The poor man who has been sitting at the
bar starts crying.

Mr. Macho says: - "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll
buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying".

Our friend at the bar replies: - "No, it's not that. This day is the
worst of my life. First, I oversleep this morning and go late to my
office. My boss, outraged, fires me. When I leave the building
and go to my car, I found out it was stolen. And the police say
they can do nothing to find my car. I get a cab to return home,
and after I get out of the cab, I remember I left my wallet and
credit cards in the cab. I run after the cab driver who just laughs
and drives away. I get home, and when I get there, I find my wife
in bed with the gardener. I leave home and end up at this bar. And
when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up
and drink my poison"!









Signs You've had enough to drink

- You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
- Job interfering with your drinking.
- Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
- The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
- Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
- Two hands and just one mouth... - now THAT'S a drinking problem!
- You can focus better with one eye closed.
- The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
- You fall off the floor...
- Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!
- At AA meetings you begin: "Hi, my name is... uh.
- Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
- The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
- Don't recognize your wife unless seen through bottom of glass.

Jamo told me these facts of life
 

Reasons Why Sheep Are Better Than Women


1. A sheep won't care of you keep your fish bait in the refrigerator.
2, A sheep won't get even with you by spending your paycheck on new
clothes, none of which are see-through or meant to be worn in the
bedroom.
3, A sheep will never sue you for alimony.
4. A sheep won't care if you screw her sister.
5. A sheep won't care if your secretary is better looking than she is.
6. A sheep will never tell you the ceiling needs to be painted while
you're screwing.
7. A sheep won't use your razor to shave it's legs, or your pocketknife
to open a paint can.
8. A sheep never has a headache.
9. A sheep won't give your favorite hunting shirt to Goodwill.
10. A sheep won't leave wet nylons hanging all over the bathroom.
11. A sheep will never ask you to stop on the way home from work and
pick up a box of tampons.
12. Sheep grow their own fur coats.
13. A sheep will never leave a vibrator on the living room couch when
you're having friends over to watch football.
14. Sheep won't cheat on you with your best friend.
15. A sheep will never ask if you'll still respect her in the morning.
16. Sheep aren't into talking before or after sex.
17. A sheep never yells at you for leaving the lid up.
18. A sheep won't send you out for batteries for her vibrator.
19. A sheep doesn't think it's demeaning or kinky to do it doggy style.
20. A sheep won't mind if you put up mirrors in the bedroom.
21. Sheep are "ram tough."
22. A sheep won't think you're cheap and tacky if you: send daisies
instead of long-stemmed red roses, tip less than 20%, wear Levis with a
hole in the seat, open beer bottles with your teeth.
23. Sheep don't mind if you leave the lights on.
24. Sheep don't mind doing it in the morning or in a pickup truck.
25. A sheep will never use the excuse that: she just did her nails, it's
too hot, it's too cold, you'll wake the kids, you'll wake the neighbors,
she's too drunk to enjoy it, she's not drunk enough to enjoy it.


**) **) **) :3DSMILE: :3DSMILE: :3DSMILE: :LOL: :LOL: :MECOOL: :MECOOL: %/ %/

Positions
 

Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.
One says, "I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," says the other cowboy, "What is it?"
"Well, it's where you get your girlfriend down on all fours and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and whisper in her ear, "Boy, these feel just like your sister's."
Then you try to hold on for 8 seconds.

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee.
They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway.
The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.
The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself. The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: " We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties...". The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine
came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, "We will never forget you".

1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he
lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million
severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking
intelligence?

2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue
a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing
ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was
standing beside them in the police line, shouting, "Please come
out and give yourself up."

3. WHAT WAS PLAN B?
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist
and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines,
wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money... from his own
bank accounts.

4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop, and asked for all
the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small,
so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for
three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.

5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who
just couldn't control himself during a line-up. When detectives
asked each man in the line-up to repeat the words, "Give me all
your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I
said!"

6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING?
A man spoke frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant and
her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first
child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her
husband!"

7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto, California, Steven Richard King was arrested for
trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King
used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun, but unfortunately,
he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellllllooooooo!)

8. THE GRAND FINALE
Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert,
an hour east of Bakersfield, California, some folks, new to
boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried,
they couldn't get their brand new 22 ft. Bayliner to perform. It
wouldn't get on a plane at all, and it was very sluggish in almost
every maneuver, no matter how much power was applied. After about
an hour of trying to make it go, they putted to a nearby marina,
thinking someone there could tell them what was wrong. A thorough
topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.
The engine ran fine, the outdrive went up and down, the prop was
the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in
the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was
laughing so hard.

NOW REMEMBER, THIS IS TRUE!
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place........
was the trailer.:3DSMILE: :3DSMILE: **) **) :LOL: :LOL:

A guy walks in to a bar with his pet monkey.
He orders a drink and while he's drinking the monkey jumps all around the
place.

The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some
sliced limes and eats them. Then he jumps on to the pool table, grabs one
of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone's amazement,
somehow swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey did?"

The guy says, "No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.

"He eats everything in sight, the little bastard.
Sorry. I'll pay for everything."

The man finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey
ate and leaves. Two weeks later, he's in the bar again, and his pet monkey
is with him.

He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.
While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry
on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out and eats it.

The bartender is disgusted.

"Did you see what your monkey did now?" he asks.

"No, what?" replied the guy.

"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out and ate it!"
said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
He still eats everything in sight but, ever since he swallowed that cue
ball, he measures everything first!

Every "Hormone Hostage" knows that there are days in the month when all a
man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his hands. This
is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the
wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.

TOP 14 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:

~ Pass My Shotgun
~ Psychotic Mood Shift
~ Perpetual Munching Spree
~ Puffy Mid-Section
~ People Make Me Sick
~ Provide Me with Sweets
~ Pardon My Sobbing
~ Pimples May Surface
~ Pass My Sweatpants
~ Pissy Mood Syndrome
~ Plainly; Men Suck
~ Pack My Stuff
~ Permanent Menstrual Syndrome Q: How many women with PMS does it take to
change a light bulb?

A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this
house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb
is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they
figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to
find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME
CUPBOARD for the past
17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS
LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb
would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!
AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME
IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE
HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP
THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! - IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN
THIS #@*$!#@!... HOUSE!

I'm sorry...what did you ask me?

THINGS I'VE LEARNED FROM MY LITTLE SON
------------------------------------------------
A king size waterbed holds enough water to
fill a 2000 sq. foot ranch house 1/4 inch deep.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan,
the motor is not strong enough to rotate a
42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a
superman cape.* It is strong enough,
however, if tied to a paint can to spread
paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling
fan is on.* When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you
have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a
hit.* A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't
stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words
"Uh-oh," it's already too late.

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke,
and lots of it.

A six-year-old can start a fire with a flint rock
even though a 36-year-old man says they can only do it
in the movies.

Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive
tract of a six-year-old.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used
in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming
pool you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

VCR's do not eject PB & J sandwiches even
though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute
response time.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not
make earthworms dizzy.

It will however make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Attention-getter
 

A very attractive lady goes up to a bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no," the man replied.

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him" she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."

Willie comes home from work, as he walks in the door Ethel grabs him
and says, "Come on, Willie, we're going upstairs!"

Willie replies, "OK. That's one of my favorite things!"

As soon as they get upstairs, Ethel grabs Willie,
throws him down on the bed and jumps aboard.
Willie protests, "Stop, Stop, We can't do it that way anymore!"

Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie, I like it that way, and so do
you."

Willie replies, "You're sure right on that, in fact that is one of my
favorite things. But if we do it that way any more I'll lose my job."

Ethel asks, "What do you mean Willie? That doesn't make any sense!"

Willie explains, "The boss called me in the office today and told me,
'Willie, You screw up one more time, and you're fired!'"













Two alligators are sitting on the edge of a swamp. The small one
turns to the big one and says; I don't understand how you can be so
much bigger than me. We're the same age, we were the same size as
kids... I just don't get it."

"Well," says the big alligator, "what have you been eating?"

"Lawyers, same as you," replies the small alligator.

"Hm. Well, where do you catch'em?"

"Down at that law firm on the edge of the swamp."

"Same here. Hm. How do you catch'em?"

"Well, I crawl under a BMW and wait for someone to unlock the door.
Then I jump out, bite'em, shake the **** out of 'em, and eat'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. See, by
thetime you get done shakin' the **** out of a lawyer, there's
nothing'left but lips and a briefcase..."















This Chinese laundryman complained to the doctor that he was very
constipated.
The doctor gave him a prescription for a good laxative. "Come
to my office in a few days," said the doctor, "and let me know how it
works."

A few days later, the Chinaman visited the doctor.

"Have you moved yet?" asks the doctor.

"No, sir, me no moovee, me no moovee."

The doc thinks about it, and then gives him a prescription for twice as
much.

Three days later, when the man reported to the doc again, he said that
he still hadn't moved and the doc gave him a triple dose, and he said,
"Come back to see me in two days and let me know just what is
happening."

Two days later, the man returned.

"Well," said the doctor, "have you moved yet?"

"No, sir, me no moovee yet.
Me moovee tomorrow, though.
House full of ****."











A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her
patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a
revealing outfit and offered a blow job to anyone who could
pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without
stuttering. The first man stood up and said, "B-b-b-b-b-b-Boston."

Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down. The next guy stood
and said, "Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-Cleveland."

He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down. The third
guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami."

The student fell to her knees and began performing oral sex on
the man. After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you
have to say now?"

He replied, "B-b-b-b-b-Beach."














One day, a mother walks by her young son's room and sees
little Johnny masturbating. Later, she has a talk with him and tells
him that good little boys save it until they are married.
A few weeks later, the mom is having another talk with little
Johnny. "How are you doing with that problem we talked about,
dear?" she asks.
Little Johnny cheerfully replies, "Great! So far, I've saved
nearly a quart!"









Did you know the average male is 6 inches long, and the average
female is 8 inches deep?
So in New York City alone there is over 2 miles of unused *****!
================================================== ====================
A dad walks into a market with his young son.
The kid is holding a quarter. Suddenly, the boy starts choking,
going blue in the face. The dad realizes the boy has swallowed the
quarter and starts panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, but serious looking woman in a blue
business suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion,
she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds the
newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes
her way, unhurried, across the market.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles

and starts to squeeze, gently at first and then ever more firmly.
After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the
quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks
back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects,

the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying,
"I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was
fantastic.
Are you a doctor?"
"No," the woman replies. "But I do make a good living squeezing men by
the balls till they cough up money..... I'm a "Divorce Attorney.":LOL: :LOL: :3DSMILE: :3DSMILE: **) **) **)

French Government reports outbreak of Swine Fever

By BSNN.net Correspondent Pylup de Corpses

PARIS --- The French government released a report verifying
an outbreak
of
swine fever, also known as hog cholera, in the northeast
region of the
country.

"We think the outbreak has something to do with the presence
of Jews in
our
country," explained French Agricultural Minister Dr. Ful de
Fecal. "And
although we cannot verify it scientifically at this time, we
will go with

that theory until a better one comes along."

Although humans were previously thought to be immune to
swine fever, this
new
strain appears to be particularly virulent and does affect
humans. Dr. de

Fecal said the symptoms are somewhat bizarre, even in
France: "I believe
swine fever has already gained a foothold in our country.
Consider how
the
disease manifests itself -- it causes the victim to exude a
strong body
odor,
to reject personal cleanliness, to babble irrationally about
the loss of
French culture, and to blame others for one's own
misfortunes. If you
look at
a random sampling of Frenchmen, most exhibit some or all of
these
symptoms."

The large and vocal Arab community in France seems more than
willing to
blame
Jews for the outbreak of the disease. Sheik Rattlan Rol,
spokesman for
the
group "Arab Security Shield Helping Ostracized Losers in
Europe"
(ASSHOLE),
summarized the group's position: "Of course, you must
understand that
Jews
have used pigs for centuries to transmit a variety of
plagues upon the
Arab
peoples -- this is accepted as fact throughout the Middle
East."

When this reporter pointed out that Jews, like Muslims,
eschew pork in
all
its forms, Sheik Rol became highly agitated and reiterated
the official
ASSHOLE position.

"Lies, nothing but lies," Rol complained. "Jews control the
media
worldwide.
I tell you, my friend, the Zionists have opened barbequed
rib joints
throughout the West Bank to poison our young. They drop jars
of pickled
pigs
feet into refugee camps where our people are starving. Even
now, they are

using the diseased pigs to make little mosque-shaped
sausages to divert
our
people from the True Path!"

French President Jacques Chirac de Bop-bop Shoowop, in
consultation with
his
cabinet, offered a possible solution: "Perhaps we will
simply cede the
affected territory and livestock to Germany -- this is a
problem and, as
you
know, we French do not do well with problems."

DISCLAIMER -
1) In case you couldn't tell, this news story is not meant
to be taken
seriously.
2) Approximately 25% of what's contained in the news story
is factually
true,
it is up to you to figure out which 25% it is.
3) The opinions expressed herein are not necessarily shared
with anyone.
4) If we seem to be disparaging a particular person then we
probably are.

5) When in doubt, refer to #1, abov

A lesbian goes to see her GP for her annual check up. The GP does an internal examination and says, "My, you're looking pretty clean
these days"



The lesbian replies, "I should be, I have a woman in three times a week!"



.:~*~:..:~*~:..:~*~:..:~*~:..:~*~:..:~*~:..:~*~:.* ~:..:~*~:..:~*~:.



Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but not to their crotch when they ask where the toilet is?



.:~*~:..:~*~:..:~*~:..:~*~:..:~*~:..:~*~:..:~*~:.* ~:..:~*~:..:~*~:.



Q: Have you heard about the new Home Cloning Kit?

A: You open up the box and there's one page of instructions.

Actually, just one instruction: "Go **** yourself."



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Q: What's another name for a zipper?

A: A Penis Fly Trap.

Carnation canned milk
 

This lady had been married to a farmer all her life. They had cows and horses
on their farm and also grew a number of crops for sale at the local farmer's
market. While shopping at the local grocery store for a few items that
she and her husband did not raise themselves, she came across a contest form for canned Carnation Milk.
The object was to complete a jingle in fifty words or less. The Company
furnished the first line of the jingle with these words, "I like Carnation best
of all.......".
She completed their jingle and sent it off to the Carnation Milk Company.
A couple of months later, the woman was surprised when a Carnation Milk
person came to her door and told her that her entry was the best one submitted.

However, it was unfortunate the company could not publish it.
In lieu of that latter fact, they had decided that her entry was worth at leasta consolation award and provided her with a company check in the amount of
$1,000 for her creativity.
Here is her entry:

"I like Carnation best of all,
No tits to pull, no sh!t to haul
No barns to clean, no hay to pitch
Just punch a hole in the son of a b!tch."

Most Perfect
-----------------------------------
Our dentist recently hired a beautiful young blonde as a dental
hygenist. We exchanged small talk for half an hour as she cleaned my
teeth and I gazed into her pale-blue eyes. When she finished, she
smiled and said, "You have the most perfect mouth." My heart skipped a
beat. Then she continued, "Usually I have a lot of trouble reaching
people's wisdom teeth, but your mouth is so big that I can get both
hands in easily."











A Catchy Tune
----------------------------------
In dire need of a beauty make-over, I went to my salon with a fashion
magazine photo of a gorgeous, young, lustrous-haired model.

I showed the stylist the trendy new cut I wanted and settled into the
chair as he began humming a catchy tune and got to work on my thin,
graying hair.

I was delighted by his cheerful attitude until I recognized the melody.

It was the theme from "Mission: Impossible."













My Mother?
---------------------------------
The young wife was in tears when she opened the door for her husband.
"I've been insulted," she sobbed. "Your mother insulted me."

"My mother!" he exclaimed. "But she is a hundred miles away."

"I know, but a letter came for you this morning and I opened it."

He looked stern, "I see, but where does the insult come in?"

"In the postscript," she answered. "It said: 'Dear Alice, don't
forget to give this letter to George.'"











"An abstract noun," the teacher said, "is something you can
think of, but you can't touch it. Can you give me an example of one?"

"Sure," a teenage boy replied. "My father's new car."

Masturbation Synonyms


For women:

Applying nail polish remover
Auditioning the finger puppets
Brushing your afro
Buttering your bagel
Checking for squirrels
Checking the foxhole
Checking the oil
Checking the status of the I/O port
Cleaning my fur coat
Coaxing the genie out of the magic lamp
Defrosting the freezer
Dialing the rotary phone
Diggin' the stench trench
Digging for my keys
Doing my nails
Doing something for my chapped lips
Doing the two-finger slot rumba
Double-clicking your mouse
Draining the tuna
Drilling for oil
Dusting the endtable
Feeding the bearded clam
Filling the pink taco
Filling your niche
Finding yourself
Fingering something out
Finishing the job
Fishing for cumpliments
Fishing for mackerel
Flipping the light switch repeatedly
Flossing the cat
Fluffing the kitty
Gagging my meat hole
Gagging the clam
Getting a lube job
Getting a stain out of my carpet
Getting a stinky pinky
Getting the last pickle out of the jar
Getting to know Sticky Fingers the mobster
Going deep sea diving
Going to and from the Batcave
Hand tossing the tuna salad
Having ladyfingers and cream
Hitchhiking South
Indoor fishing
Jilling off
JocelynEldering
Makin' waves for the man-in-the-boat
Making your own gravy
Menage a moi
Mistressbate
Muffin buffin'
Nail polish remover
Nursing a hatchet wound
Opening the bottom drawer
Paddling the pink canoe
Parting the Red Sea
Petting the kitty
Playing the clitar
Playing the slots
Polishing the wedding ring
Preheating the oven
Priming the pump
Reading braille
Reading the map of Tazmania
Riding the unicycle
Riding your own mule down Grand Canyon
Romancing thy own
Rubbin Hood
Rubbin' the nubbin
Scraping the cheese off the taco
Searching for Ms. "G"
Shebopping
Shucking the fresh water clam
Slapping Susie
Slapping the mackerel
Sliding into home
Soaking in Palmolive
Spanking your puppy on the nose
Spearing the bearded clam
Spelunking in the mystery cave
Stirring the soup
Strumming the big open C
Surfing the web
Swimming in the Pu-Tang River
Taking a dip in the lake
Teasing the little man in the canoe
Testing the waters
The magical disappearing finger trick
The ole feel n' squeal
Tickling the kitty
Tiptoe through the TwoLips
Tossing the pink salad
Twinkling the little star
Two-finger taco tango
Unclogging the drain
Visiting Niagra Falls
Visiting your safety deposit box
Wading in the Bermuda Triangle
Washing your fingers
Whipping your cream
Working out at the Y



for Men:

A date with Mrs. Palmer and her 5 slut daughters
Auditioning the hand puppet
Badgering the witness
Beating the **** out of your best friend
Beating the **** out of your incapacitated midget
Beating the snot outta Rotney
Beating the snotty end of my **** stick
Blueball baseball
Calling down for more Mayo
Calling in the National Guard to assist you in a strategic crisis
Caping the crusader
Cheating on your other hand
Checking the plumbing
Choking the bald guy 'til he pukes
Choking the sheriff and waiting for the posse to come
Cleaning the walls after an accident involving the Milk Man and the Cyclops
Committing mass spermicide
Decongesting the weasel
Discharging the heat-seeking moisture missile
Dripping white-hot coconuts from the veiny palm tree of lust
Dropping the kids off at the pool
Escorting the one-eyed postal worker out of his denim cell
Evicting the testicular squatters
Firing the presidential staff
Fishing for zipper trout
Five-finger discount
Flogging your dumber brother
Foreplay with Fistina
Four-knuckle shuffle (for those who lost a finger in 'Nam)
Freeing the hostages
Freeing Willy
Getting your palm red
Givin' the one-eyed field mouse with the purple turtle-neck sweater a hot-butter nuggie
Giving the pink Mustang a spit shine
Giving the seamen shore leave
Giving yourself a helping hand
Giving yourself a low five
Having a play date with your little friend
Having a puppet show in your pants
Having a staff meeting
Hitchhiking under the Big Top
Launching the morning missile
Letting out the bulimic one-eyed monster
Making special sauce with frank and beans
Making the bald guy cry
Making the Cyclops do chin-ups 'til he throws up
Making the llama spit
Manhandling your man-handle
Milking the bull
Million sperm march
My sex life! (Okay, that one's more sad than funny)
One-handed workout
Opening up a bottle of Squirt
Performing diagnostics on your ManTool
Playing pocket polo with Agent Johnson
Playing the stand-up organ
Playing with Yoosef
Polishing the family jewels
Polishing the hot rod
Polishing the purple people pleaser
Practicing for the Big Game
Pulling the single serving soup dispenser
Rapid one arm pull-ups
Releasing the Olympic Doves
Riding the Great White Knuckler
Romancing the bone
Roughing the passer
Roughing up the suspect
Rubbing the Buddha for good luck
Running in single-user mode
Running off a batch by hand
Sanding the obelisk
Sending yourself a hand-job-o-gram
Shaking hands with your wife's best friend
Shaking the coconut milk of love from the leafless palm trunk
Shaking the hand of the self-employed
Shooting tadpoles at the moon
Shooting the pump action porridge gun
Slapping the big-nosed Rasta man
Spackling the ceiling
Spending some quality time with yourself
Spilling my children on my belly
Spit-polishing the purple helmet
Squeezing the cream from the flesh Twinkie
Stroking the one-eyed burping gecko
Swinging the purple-veined kidney stabber
Taking little Elvis to Graceland
Taking the Jocelyn Elders Midterm
Taking your turn at the self-serve pump
Target practice with the yogurt gun
Teasing the purple-headed custard chucker
Tenderizing the tube steak
Test-firing the meat missile
Testing the hand cream dispenser
Trolling for the one-eyed walleye
Tube sock tango
Warming up the altar boy's dinner
White-water wristing
Wrapping my hand around my cock and blowing a load all over my mother
Zygote spraying:3DSMILE: :3DSMILE: :3DSMILE: :JEKYLHYDE :JEKYLHYDE **) **) %/ %/

Nothing like expanding one's vocabulary.

What Kids Say
 

The Teacher asked, "All right children, who can tell me what a chicken gives?"
Mary answered, "A chicken gives eggs!"
The Teacher then asked, "Now who can tell me what a goat gives?"
And Paul answered, "A goat gives goat milk!"
And finally the Teacher asked, "Well now, who can tell me what the cow gives?"
And Little Johnny replied, "F**king homework and tests!"

Father Harris was motoring along a country lane
in
his parish on a spring afternoon when all of a
sudden
he got a flat tire. Exasperated, the priest
stopped
his car, got out, and assessed the damage.
Luckily a
four-wheel-drive jeep rounded the bend and pulled
to a
stop behind the crippled vehicle.
The door to the jeep opened and out stepped a
powerful hunk of a man. "Good afternoon,
Father,"
greeted the stranger. "Can I give you a hand?"
"Heaven be praised," rejoiced the priest. "As
you
can see, my son, I have a flat tire, and I must
admit
I've never changed one before."
"Don't worry about it, Father. I'll take care
of
it." And without skipping a beat, the bruiser
picked
up the front of the car with one hand and removed
the
lug nuts from the base of the flat tire with the
other. "Why don't you get the spare from the
trunk?"
"Why, ahh, yes, of course, my son," stuttered
the
amazed Father Harris. The priest rolled the
spare
around to the strong-man who casually lifted it
up
with his free hand, maneuvered it into place, and
proceeded to tighten the lug nuts.
"Do you need the wrench?" the Father queried.
"That's OK," the fellow told him. "These nuts
are
as tight as a nun's snatch."
"Hmmmm..." mused Father Harris. "I'd better
get the
wrench."








This guy went to the doctors and said: "Doctor, I'm having problems with
my sex life!"

Doctor: "What do you mean?"

Guy: "Well, I'm just not getting any."

Doctor: "Look out the window then."

Guy: "Oh yeah, I see that convent. Good idea Doctor!"

Doctor: "Yes, but see that patch of mushrooms in front of it?"

The guy looks across and sees a beautiful young nun picking mushrooms.

The doctor then says, "Well, if you go place yourself underneath the
mushrooms with only your dick sticking out, you certainly won't regret
it."

The next morning, the guy is lying underneath the patch of mushrooms,
with his dick sticking out, as the doctor had said, and the most
beautiful young nun walks along with a basket.

She starts picking mushrooms, while singing a little song: "One little
mushroom for my basket, two little mushrooms for my basket, three little
mushrooms for my basket, four..., four..., four..., four..."

The guy cannot believe it; he is enjoying this so much.
That night while down at the pub, he is telling his story to his mates
and one of them (who is very drunk) decides to go and try this out for
himself.

So, that night he goes down to the convent, and places himself
underneath the patch of mushrooms, and leaves his dick sticking out. In
the morning, the fattest, most repulsive and butch nun comes along with
her basket.

She starts to pick mushrooms, while singing the same song: "One little
mushroom for my basket, two little mushrooms for my basket, three little
mushrooms for my basket, four..., four..., four..., FOUR little
mushrooms for my basket, five little mushrooms for my basket..."





























The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he
kept in the hen house out back of the parish rectory.
He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.
One Saturday night the cock rooster was missing and, as that was the
time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village, he decided to
do
something about it at church the next morning.
At mass, he asked the congregation "Has anybody got a cock"----all the
men stood up.
"No, No" he said, "That wasn't what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock?" all the women stood up. "No, No" he said,
"That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't
belong
to them?"---Half the women stood up
"No, No" he said, "That wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen my
cock?"----All the alter boys stood up

The American Dream
 

Joe Smith started the day early,
having set his alarm clock (made in Japan), for 6:00 A.M.
While his coffee pot (made in Japan), is perking,
he puts his blow dryer (made in Taiwan) to work and
shaves with his electric razor (made in Hong Kong).
He puts on a dress shirt (made in Taiwan),
his designer jeans (made in Singapore),
and a pair of tennis shoes (made in Korea).
After cooking up some breakfast
in his new electric skillet (made in Philippines),
he sits down to figure out on his calculator (made in Mexico),
how much he can spend today.
After setting his watch (made in Switzerland),
to the radio (made in Hong Kong),
he goes out, gets in his car (made in Germany),
goes looking as he has been for months,
for a good paying American job.

After the end of another discouraging and fruitless day, Joe decides to relax for a while.
He puts on a pair of sandals (made in Brazil),
pours himself a glass of wine (made in France),
and turns on his TV (made in Japan),
and ponders again why he can't find a good paying American job.

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her thoroughly and told her that she could expect a complete recovery.

She asked him, "How long will it be before I can resume a normal sex life again, Doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter, Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"

He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out."