Jokes

[BigGuy]

Today's Featured Humor : -) - Strange English Language Definitions

English language

Arbitrator ar'-bi-tray-ter: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at
McDonald's.

Avoidable uh-voy'-duh-buhl: What a bullfighter tries to do.

Baloney Buh-lo'-nee: Where some hemlines fall

Bernadette Burn'-a-det: The act of torching a mortgage

Burglarize Bur'-gler-ize: What a crook sees with

Control kon-trol': A short, ugly inmate

Counterfeiters kown-ter-fit-ers : Workers who put together kitchen
cabinets

Eclipse i-klips': what an English barber does for a living

Eyedropper i'-drop-ur: a clumsy ophthalmologist

Heroes hee'-rhos: what a guy in a boat does

Left Bank left' bangk': what the robber did when his bag was full of
loot

Misty mis'-tee: How golfers create divots

Paradox par'-u-doks: two physicians

Parasites par'-uh-sites: what you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Pharmacist arm'-uh-sist: a helper on the farm

Polarize po'-lur-ize: what penguins see with

Primate pri'-mat: removing your spouse from in front of the TV

Relief: Ree-leef': what trees do in the spring

Rubberneck: Rub'-er-nek: what you do to relax your wife

Seamstress seem'-stres: describes 250 pounds in a size six

Selfish sel'-fish: what the owner of a seafood store does

Subdued sub-dood': like, a guy, like, works on one of those, like,
submarines, man

Sudafed: sood'-a-fed: bringing litigation against a government official

[wtm442]

LOVEMAKING TIPS FOR SENIORS

1. Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.

2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.

3. Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!

4. Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.

5. Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember it.

6. Keep extra polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed or between the thighs.

7. Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.

8. Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.

9. If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.

10. Don't even think about trying it twice.

(Notice: I sent it in large type so you could read it.)

[wtm442]

Apple Computer reported today that it has developed
computer chips that can store and play music inside
women's breasts.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough because
women are always complaining about men staring at
their breasts and not listening to them.

[cobra de capell]

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 60 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 65 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 75 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently.

Up to 80. "I want the car, too," he continues.

85 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"

The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice.
"No, I've got everything I need," she says.
"Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 85 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."

[cobra de capell]

Many of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, witnesses claimed that an unidentified object with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and cattle ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico . This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and the Federal Government.

However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of March 1948, exactly nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:

Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.

Hillary Rodham

John F. Kerry

William Jefferson Clinton

Howard Dean

Nancy Pelosi

Dianne Feinstein

Charles E. Schumer

Barbara Boxer

See what happens when aliens breed with sheep? This piece of information may clear up a lot of things.

[tfalk]

Close but not quite... Gore is the only one born close enough to the Roswell
incident to really be a consideration. Then again, I always thought he was 'out there'...

http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/roswell.asp

[Don]

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

I've sure gotten old! I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees Fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circul ation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?" "Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief."

Remember: You don't stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

--- THE SENILITY PRAYER: Grant me th e senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

[cobra de capell]

Originally Posted by tfalk

Close but not quite... Gore is the only one born close enough to the Roswell
incident to really be a consideration. Then again, I always thought he was 'out there'...

http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/roswell.asp

THIS IS THE JOKE THREAD!!!!

[cobra de capell]

Calling in Sick

10 worst excuses to miss work

1) As I was walking to work… I was hit by a plane/helicopter.

This sounds so weirdly stupid that it might leave your boss completely speechless. The secret is to sound pretty dramatic or hurt and hang up the phone immediately, though. He/she’ll probably be too astonished to call you back and will just drop it, hoping you will come to work a normal person the next day.

2) I died

If you say this in a very natural voice, something like: ”Hey, I can’t come in today, I died, sorry guys”, I guess your boss will be shocked for at least a little bit, but you should hang up until he’ll start yelling something about bad jokes, then make a friend call and announce with grief the same thing, and explain you killed yourself and left a tape with a message for the company, the message said: ”Hey guys, I died”. The next day you come in you’ll say it was a misunderstanding.

3) My wife will finally have sex with me… and it’s been 7 years.

Everybody will be so embarrassed, for your embarrassment, I don’t think they’ll be able to say much, they’ll feel too sorry for you to be angry, or anything else.

4) My cat had Siamese triplets.

Cats having many kittens is an usual thing, and Siamese are only twins, but it might sound weird enough to convince, at least temporarily.

5) I am having a middle-age crisis… it’s so painful.

You have to make it sound like it’s a horrible disease, very painful, acute, like a kidney crisis or something, and it’s important to talk over your boss and never answer any of his questions, keep rambling chaotically about your suffering.

6) My mom had a baby…She is 55 and it’s been tough, although she’s in pretty good shape.

This will hopefully sound weird enough to make everybody silent. I mean who the hell has a baby at 55? They’ll probably wonder about that, distracted from your missing work for a while.

7) I am running out of time… my time is over.

This is taken from various writings and from a popular series “South Park”, which I highly recommend for the days when you’ll manage to miss work using these excuses. Will it sound too strange for your boss? Maybe, but if you make it tragic enough, he might think you’ve lost it completely and just wait to talk to you the next day.

8)Kenny died.

This is another character from South Park, he dies every episode and so you won’t lie about something as serious as death, plus you don’t have to explain who he is, because if you say a name full of confidence and in a familiar way, nobody asks questions, especially if it’s about death.

9) I witnessed a pocket robbery and I’m going in to testify.

It’s very stupid to testify for a pocket robbery, but if you’re talking about the police, testimonials and so on, nobody will be very interested to find out more, probably.

10) I ran out of clean underwear.

This is again so embarrassing that nobody will probably care to comment upon it. I mean what could they say: ”I’ll lend you some of mine” or “Just come without, what’s the big deal”? I mean it’s just another subject people don’t really care to comment upon. You can also add: ”I’m doing some serious washing and promise I’ll have clean underwear for a month, and of course change it every day.”

Also.....

A foursome is waiting on the men's tee while a foursome of women is taking Their time hitting from the ladies' tee.

Finally the last woman is ready to hit the ball. She hacks it 10 feet, goes Over to her ball, and whiffs, then hacks it another 10 feet.

She looks up at the men who are back there watching and says apologetically,"I guess all those f*@***g lessons I took this past winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately replied, "Well, there you have it, you should have taken golf lessons instead.

In addition......

The company hires a new man. He was supposed to start work on a Monday, but instead of showing up, he calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss excuses him.

Man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, greatly impressing everyone with his diligence and ability.

The next Monday, he once again calls his boss. "I'm sick," he says. Boss reluctantly excuses him, but notices that this is the second Monday in a row.

Once again, the man shows up Tuesday morning and works throughout the week, even faster and better than the previous week.

The following Monday, he calls his boss again. "I'm sick." Boss excuses him, but decides to call the man to task on Tuesday.

Tuesday comes and as soon as the man shows up, the boss calls him into his office.

"What gives?" asks the boss. "I can see you're a hard worker, but you've only been here three weeks and you've called in sick every Monday."

Man says, "Well, my sister is in a bad marriage and I go over to console her every Monday morning before work. One thing leads to another and we end up making love all day long."

"Your sister!?!" says the boss. "That's disgusting!"

Man says, "I told you I was sick."

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

Colonoscopy One-Liners

Doc, you are boldly going where no man has gone before.

Can you hear me now?

Are we there yet?

You know, in Arkansas we are now legally married.

Now I know how a muppet feels.

If your glove does not fit, you must quit!

Let me know if you find my dignity.

You used to be an executive at Enron didn't you?

Could you write a note to my wife saying my head isn't up there?

[cobra de capell]

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
George Burns

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex --- no matter what she's reading."
Steve Jobs
(Founder, Apple Computers)

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-*****."
Jack Nicholson

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms.
They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
Robin Williams

[cobra de capell]

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool, he noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"

The man thought a moment, then replied, "A martini, please".

The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your IQ?"

The man answered, "Oh, about 164." The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity, inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc. . .

The man was most impressed. He left the bar, but thought he would try different tactic. He returned and took a seat. Again, the robot clicked and asked what he would have. A martini, please."

Again it was superb. The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?" This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100". So the robot started discussing NASCAR racing, bass fishing and what to expect the Colts to do nest weekend.

The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a stool . . Again a martini, and the qustion "What is your IQ?"

This time the man drawled out "Uh . . . 'bout 50."

The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked, "A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e r-e-a-l-l-y
g-o-i-n-g t-o n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l-l-a-r-y?"

[VRM]

Dear Mrs. Fenton,

Our store is considering banning your family from ever shopping with us again, unless your husband stops his antics. Below is a list of offenses over the past few months... all verified by our surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the restrooms.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "'Code 3' in Housewares!" ..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's
on lay a way.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.

7. September 15: Set up a camping tent in the sporting goods department,
and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the Bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera, used it as a mirror, and picked his nose.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously loudly humming the
"Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practiced his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled "PICK ME!, PICK ME!"

14 . December 21: When an a nnouncement came over the loud speaker, he
assumes the fetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!!"

......and last, but not least

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door and waited a while; then, yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"

[dave from mesa]

HOW TO DRIVE IN PHOENIX:



1. You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: "FEE-NICKS".



2. The morning rush hour is from 5:00am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 7:00pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.



3. The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 85 mph. On Loop 101, your speed is expected to match the highway number. Anything less is considered "Wussy".



4. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Phoenix has its own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, East Valley, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.



5. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.



6. Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It's another offense that can get you shot.



7. Road construction is permanent and continuous in Phoenix. Detour barrels are moved around during the middle of the night to make the next day's driving a bit more exciting.



8. Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, barrels,cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, squirrels, rabbits, crows, vultures, javelinas, roadrunners, and the coyotes feeding on any of these items.



9. Maricopa Freeway, Papago Freeway and the "I-10" are the same road.



10. If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been "accidentally activated."



11. If you are in the left lane and only driving 70 in a 55-65 mph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be "flipped off" accordingly. If you return the flip, you'll be shot.



12. For summer driving, it is advisable to wear potholders on your hands.

[cobra de capell]

It's Valentines Day

[cobra de capell]

Students were assigned to read two books, "Titanic" and "My Life", by Bill Clinton.

One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories. His professor had a sense of humor and gave the student an A+ for his report:

Titanic: $29.99.... Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over three hours to read.... Clinton: Over three hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe..... Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist..... Clinton: Bill is a bull**** artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar..... Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined..... Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit..... Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry..... Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life..... Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen..... Clinton: Monica... ooh, let's not go there either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death..... Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary... basically the same thing.

[cobra de capell]

ARKANSAS RAZORBACKS

Last Tuesday, as President Bush got off the Helicopter in front of the White House, he was Carrying a baby piglet under each arm.

The squared away Marine guard snaps to attention, Salutes, and says: "Nice pigs, sir."

The President replies "These are not pigs these Are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got one for Senator Hillary Clinton and I got one for Speaker of The House Nancy Pelosi."

The squared away Marine again snaps to attention, Salutes, and says,

"Excellent trade, sir."

[BigGuy]

If you don't laugh out loud after you read this you are in a coma!!! This
is even funnier when you realize it's real! Next time you have a bad day at
work think of this guy.

Rob is a commercial saturation diver for Global Divers in Louisiana. He
performs underwater repairs for offshore drilling rigs.

Here's his story:
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling friend.

Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down
lately, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize
it's not so bad after all.

As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the
office. It's a wet suit. this time of the year the water is quite cool. So
what we do to keep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water
heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea, and
heats it to a delightful temperature.

It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to
the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it
several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and
stuff it down the back of my wet suit. This floods my whole suit with warm
water, it's like working in a Jacuzzi.

Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few
seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but
the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened.
The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit.
Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick
to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.

When I scratched what I thought was an itch I was actually grinding the
jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my
dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the
fact that he, along with 5 other divers, were all laughing hysterically.

Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make 3 agonizing
in-water decompression stops totaling 35 minutes before I could reach the
surface to begin my chamber dry decompressions. When I arrived at the
surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water , the medic, with tears of laughter running
down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt
as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I
couldn't poop for 2 days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time
you're having a bad day @ work or just a bad day, think about how much
worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt!!!


I would like to see the Workers Comp claim for this!!!!

[cobra de capell]

It's best to not take your dog for a ride in your Cobra:



*NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN** **
* *DAMNITOL*
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

*EMPTYNESTROGEN *
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

*ST. MOMMA'S WORT *
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

*PEPTOBIMBO *
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

*DUMBEROL *
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

*FLIPITOR *
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

*MENICILLIN *
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "

*BUYAGRA*
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

*JACKASSPIRIN*
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.

*ANTI-TALKSIDENT *
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

*NAGAMENT*
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
______