Jokes

[cobra de capell]

There are over 11,000 male urologists in the US. But now a few women have entered the field.
A man goes to a female urologist for an exam. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say 99."

The guy did as the doctor instructed and said, "99".

The doctor says, "Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99."

Again, the guy says, "99."

The doctor said, "Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I am going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I am going to hold on to your penis.

Now take a deep breath and say 99."

The guy says, "One. . . two. . . three....
_____

A Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and
talked with the old farmer.

"I'm going to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said, "You better not go in that field."

The Ag representative said in a wise tone, "I have the authority of
the U. S. Government with me. See this card? I am allowed to go
wherever I wish on agricultural land."

So, the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Department of
Agriculture rep running for the fence and close behind was the
farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a full nest of hornets
and the bull was gaining at every step.


The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!"
_____

[cobra de capell]

FIVE LEVELS OF " HANGOVER"

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 cokes and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun.The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which
Is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (** *)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke--yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (**
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your a** is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five sh*ts you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (***
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to remove the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate spit so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the h**l the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to take a dump results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare 'Floater' thrown in.

The sole purpose of this 'Floater' seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your a**. Death sounds pretty good about right now...

[EarlsflyinCobra]

The Elaborate Funeral



Joe died. His will provided $30,000 for an elaborate funeral. As the last
guests
departed the affair, his wife, Helen, turned to her oldest friend. "Well, I'm
sure Joe
would be pleased," she said.

"I'm sure you're right," replied Jody, who lowered her voice and leaned in
close.

"How much did this really cost?"
"All of it," said Helen. "Thirty thousand."

"No!" Jody exclaimed. "I mean, it was very nice, but $30,000?"
Helen answered, "The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the church.
The wake, food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial
stone."

Jody computed quickly. "$22,500 for a memorial stone? My God, how big is
it?!"

"Two and a half carats"

[cobra de capell]

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into
the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
"Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband said, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she said. "Just get the hell out."

**************************************************

Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.

**************************************************

A Polish immigrant went to the Department of Motor Vehicles to apply for
a driver's license. First, he had to take an eye test. The tester showed
him a card with the letters: 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."

[Wes Tausend]

...

The Sierra Club And The U.s. Forest Service Were Presenting An Alternative To Wyoming Ranchers For Controlling The Coyote Population.

It Seems That After Years Of The Ranchers Using The Tried And True Methods Of Shooting And/or Trapping The Predator, The Tree-huggers Had A "more Humane" Solution.

What They Proposed Was For The Animals To Be Captured Alive, The Males Castrated And Let Loose Again And The Population Would Be Controlled.

This Was Actually Proposed To The Wyoming Wool And Sheep Grower's Association By The Sierra Club And The U.S.F.S.

All Of The Ranchers Thought About This Amazing Idea For A Couple Of Minutes.

Finally, An Old Boy In The Back Stood Up, Tipped His Hat Back And Said, "Son, I Don't Think You Understand The Problem. Those Coyotes Ain't F****n' Our Sheep - They're Eatin' 'em."


...

[Wes Tausend]

...

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks,
"Bartender, got any specials today?"

Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of
Fact we have a new drink, invented by
A gynecologist patron of ours.

It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."

The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"

The bartender replied, "It's a "Pabst Smir."
...

The next time you find yourself on a plane, sitting next to someone who cannot resist chattering to you while you're trying to nap, you could try this.

Very slowly pull your laptop out of your bag, carefully open the screen, ensuring the irritating person next to you can see it, and hit this link.

( http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf )

...

*DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S PERSONAL ADS:*

* 40-ish...................................49.
* Adventurous.........................Slept with everyone.
* Athletic................................No breasts.
* Average looking....................Moooo.
* Beautiful.............................Pathological liar.
* Emotionally Secure..............On medication.
* Feminist..............................Fat.
* Free Spirit...........................Junkie.
* Friendship first.....................Former Slut.
* New-Age..............................Body hair in the wrong places.
* Old-fashioned.......................No B.J.'s
* Open-minded.......................Desperate.
* Outgoing..............................Loud and embarrassing.
* Professional.........................B***h.
* Voluptuous...........................Very fat.
* Large frame..........................Hugely fat.
* Wants soul mate..................Stalker.

*DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH: *

* Yes.......................................No
* No........................................Yes
* Maybe..................................No
* We need...............................I want
* I am sorry.............................You'll be sorry
* We need to talk.....................You're in trouble
* Sure, go ahead......................You better not
* Do what you want...................You will pay for this later
* I am not upset........................Of course, I am upset, you moron!
* You're attentive tonight............Is sex all you ever think about?

*DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:*

* I am hungry.............................I am hungry
* I am sleepy..............................I am sleepy
* I am tired................................I am tired
* Nice dress...............................Nice boobs!
* I love you................................Let's have sex now
* I am bored..............................Do you want to have sex?
* May I have this dance?.............I'd like to have sex with you.
* Can I call you sometime?...........I'd like to have sex with you.
* Do you want to go to a movie?...I'd like to have sex with you.
* Can I take you out to dinner?.....I'd like to have sex with you.


...

[cobra de capell]

[BigGuy]

Southern Wisdom



An old southern country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting
time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like
many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and
he didn't seem too concerned about it.

One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try
an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study
table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky and a
Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself,
"when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object
he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me,
and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's
going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he
picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord,
what a shame that would be. ; And worst of all, if he picks up that
magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he
entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed
his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted
the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to
inspect
them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked
up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the
bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "he's gonna
be a Congressman!²

[d_ford]

Hillbilly Farmer
>
>
> An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him
> unmercifully From morning till night (and sometimes
> later), she was always complaining about something.
> The only time he got any relief was when he was out
> plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
>
> One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him
> lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the
> shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his
> lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him
> again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
>
> All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both
> hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head.
> Killed her dead on the spot.
>
> At the funeral several days later, the minister
> noticed something rather odd When a woman mourner
> would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a
> minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man
> mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute,
> then shake his head in disagreement. This was so
> consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer
> about it.
> So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old
> farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and
> agreed with the women, but always shook his head and
> disagreed with all the men.
>
> The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up
> and say something about how nice my wife looked, or
> how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in
> agreement."
>
> "And what about the men?" the minister asked.
>
>
>
> "They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”

[d_ford]

The Redneck Oil Change Checklist

1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree.

2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.

3. Open a beer and drink it.

4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.

5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.

6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.

7. Place drain pan under engine.

8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.

9. Give up and use crescent wrench.

10. Unscrew drain plug.

11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.

12. Clean up.

13. Have another beer while oil is draining.

14. Look for oil filter wrench.

15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off.

16. Beer.

17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.

18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.

19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.

20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.

21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.

22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first.

23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.

24. Remember drain plug from step 11.

25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.

26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor.

27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.

28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.

29. Begin cussing fit.

30. Throw wrench.

31. Cuss and complain.

32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.

33. Beer.

34. Beer.

35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.

36. Beer.

37. Lower car from jack stands

38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands

39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.

40. Test drive car

41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence.

42. Car gets impounded.

43. Make bail; get car from impound yard.

Money Spent:

$50 parts

$12 beer

$75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match!

$1000 Bail

$200 Impound and towing fee

Total: $1337

[cobra de capell]

New State Slogans

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Hurricane Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Ladies of the Night and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared!!!

[cobra de capell]

New State Slogans

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy's Don't Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes ... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Hurricane Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes ... And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Ladies of the Night and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl ... It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si, Hablo Ingles (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family ... Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men ... and the sheep are scared!!!

[cobra de capell]

Side Effects Of Alcohol


1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet.
Cause: Glass is being held at incorrect angle.
Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward.

2. Symptom: Warm and humid feet.
Cause: You pissed your pants.
Cure: Dry yourself at nearest restroom.

3. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights.
Cause: You're lying on the floor.
Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor.

4. Symptom: The floor looks blurry.
Cause: You're looking through an empty glass.
Cure: Quickly refill with your favorite beverage.

5. Symptom: The floor is moving.
Cause: You're being dragged away.
Cure: At least ask where they're taking you.

6. Symptom: You see multiple reflections of your face.
Cause: You're trying to puke in the toilet.
Cure: Stick your finger in your mouth.

7. Symptom: You hear echoes every time someone speaks.
Cause: You have your glass on your ear.
Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself.

8. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the music is very repetitive.
Cause: You're in an ambulance.
Cure: Don't move. Let the professionals do their job.

9. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking at you funny.
Cause: You're in the wrong house.
Cure: Ask if they can point you to your house.

10. Symptom: A huge light is blinding you.
Cause: You woke up in someone's lawn.
Cure: Coffee and a long nap.

[cobra de capell]

The owner of a golf course was confused about paying a bill. He couldn't figure it out, so he asked his buxom blonde secretary for some mathematical help.

"If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" he asked her.

The secretary replied, "Everything but my earrings."

[dave from mesa]

FORREST GUMP GOES TO HEAVEN




The day finally arrived. Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He
is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are
closed, and Forrest approaches the gatekeeper.

St.. Peter said, "Well, Forrest, it is certainly good to see you.
We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is
filling up fast, and we have been administering an entrance examination
for
everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get
into Heaven."

Forrest responds, "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But
nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. I sure hope that the test
ain't too hard. Life was a big enough test as it was."

St. Peter continued, "Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only
three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God's first name?"

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day
and sees St. Peter, who waves him up, and says, "Now that you have had a
chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."

Forrest replied, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week
begins with the letter "T"? Shucks, that one is easy. That would be Today
and Tomorrow."

The Saint's eyes opened wide and he exclaimed, "Forrest, that is
not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I did not
specify, so I will give you credit for that answer. How about the next
one?" asked St. Peter.

"How many seconds in a year? Now that one is harder," replied
Forrest, but I thunk and thunk about that, and I guess the only answer
can be twelve."

Astounded, St. Peter said, "Twelve? Twelve? Forrest, how in
Heaven's
name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"

Forrest replied, "Shucks, there's got to be twelve: January
2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...."

"Hold it," interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you are going with
this, and I see your point, though that was not quite what I had in
mind.....but I will have to give you credit for that one, too. Let us go
on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?

"Sure," Forrest replied, "its Andy."

"Andy?" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St Peter.

"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first
two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name
Andy as
the first name of God?"

"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Forrest replied. "I
learnt it from the song, "ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY
TELLS
ME I AM HIS OWN. . "

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates, and said: "Run Forrest, run."

[Ron61]

The new supermarket near our house has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of
distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing > and witness the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[Sharroll Celby]

I wonder what the "condoms and K-Y Jelly" aisle sounds like.

[wtm442]

Originally Posted by Sharroll Celby

I wonder what the "condoms and K-Y Jelly" aisle sounds like.

You have a complete aisle dedicated to condoms and K-Y jelly? Where do you live so I can move there?

[VRM]

A woman named Jill stood up during her church's prayer

request time one Sunday morning, took the microphone from one of the church ushers, and bared her soul to the enrapt congregation: "I want to tell you about the awful accident that my husband, Jim, has suffered this past month. He was riding his motorcycle, lost control, ran off the highway and hit a tree. He was rushed to the hospital, and could have died, but thank the Lord, all he suffered was a broken scrotum."

The congregation gasped in horror. The men in the congregation were obviously uneasy and writhed in their seats as she continued, "Jim has been in terrible pain all month since the accident. He has trouble breathing. He has trouble swallowing his food. He can hardly lift anything, he's in so much pain, and he has missed work because of it. He can't lift our children up to hold them and give them the personal love that they need. Worst of all, we can no longer cuddle an have intimate relations. He is in constant pain, a pain so terrible that our love life has all but slipped away into oblivion. I would like to ask you all in the congregation to pray for Jim, and pray for us, that his broken scrotum will soon heal and be as good as new."

A dull murmur erupted within the congregation as the full impact of this terrible accident sunk in. Then, as the murmuring settled down, a lone figure stood up in midst of the congregation, worked his way up to the pulpit, obviously in pain, adjusted the microphone to his liking, then leaned over and said to the congregation: My name is Jim, and I have only one word for my wife, Jill. That word is:"STERNUM !"

[VRM]

Two guys, one 75 and one 70, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 75 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

The 70 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 75 year old said "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 70 year old stops at the bakery. He says to the lady, "I want 5 loaves of rye bread." She says, "My goodness, 5 loaves...by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard."

Amazed he replies, "I can't believe it! Everybody in the world knows about this stuff but me!"