Jokes

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This letter was sent to the principal's office after an elementary
school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady had
received a new radio at the luncheon as a door prize and was writing to
say thank you. This story is a credit to all human kind. Forward to anyone you know
who might need a lift today!



Dear Faculty and Students:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizens' luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at an Assisted Home for
the Aged.

All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to
know someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an
old forgotten lady.

My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio. Before I received this
one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day, her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot
of little pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said, "Get Folked", (or words to that effect).
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely, Agnes

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The next time you see a little old lady with shaky hands, you'll remember this:

A little old lady, well into her eighties, slowly enters the front door of a sex shop. Obviously very unstable on her feet, she wobbles the few feet across the store to the counter.

Finally arriving at the counter and grabbing it for support, stuttering she asks the sales clerk: "Dddoooyouuuhhaaavvvdddddiilllldosss?"

The clerk, politely trying not to burst out laughing, replies: "Yes we do have dildos. Actually we carry many different models."

The old woman then asks: "Dddddoooo yyyouuuu ccaarrryy aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk...aaand...rrunns by
bbaatteries?

The clerk responds, "Yes we do."

"Ddddooo yyoooouuuu kknnnoooww hhhowww tttooo ttturrrnnn ttthe ssunoooffab***** offffff?"

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Five secrets of a perfect relationship:-

1) It is important to have a woman who cooks, cleans and has a job.
2) It is important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
3) It is important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn't lie to you.
4) It is important to have a woman who is good in bed and likes being with you.
5) It is very, very important that these four *****es don't know each other!!

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Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos.
And they start reminiscing.

"This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24
years old now."

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other
mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.

And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21"

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he
had such curly hair when he was born".

"He's a martyr too" says mum quietly.

"Oh, gracious me ...." said the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.
He would be 18, she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember
when he first started school".

He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim
mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"

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Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear" replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

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Thought for the day


Handle every situation like a dog would.


If you can't Eat it or Screw it,
Piss on it and Walk Away

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A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.

She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,

'You know what?

You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?'

'What dear?' she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

'I think you're bad luck, get the f*** away from me!

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A man observed a sign in the window of a restaurant that read "Unique Breakfast" so he walked in and sat down.

The waitress brought him his coffee and asked him what he wanted. "What's your Unique Breakfast?" he asked inquisitively. "Baked tongue of chicken!" she proudly replied. "Baked tongue of chicken?... baked tongue of chicken! Do you have any idea how disgusting that is? I would never even consider eating anything that came out of a chicken's mouth!" he fumed.

Undaunted, the waitress asked, "What would you like then?"

"Just bring me some scrambled eggs," the man replied.

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A Latin American tour guide was addressing a small group of
senior citizens and telling them about the country they were
visiting. When he asked if they had any questions, one person
inquired, "What is the number one sport in this country?"

"Bullfighting," the guide replied.

The same person asked, "Isn't that revolting?"

"No," replied the tour guide. "That's number two!"
_____

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me. I'm celebrating."

"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they've finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

"What a coincidence!", she replied....
_________________________

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A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father. Next!

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Wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor.'
_____

Three aspiring psychiatrists, from three leading universities, were attending their first class on emotional extremes.

"Just to establish some parameters," said the professor to the student from UCLA, What is the opposite of joy?"

"Sadness," said the student.

"And the opposite of depression?" he asked the young lady from Clemson.

"Elation," she said.

"And you, sir," he said to the student from Oklahoma State, "How about the opposite of woe?"

The Oklahoma State student replied, "Sir, I believe that would be giddy up".

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A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?" And the man says, "Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off." Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?" And she says, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
_____

A couple had been married for 40 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all these years, she would give them one wish each. Being the faithful, loving spouse for all these years, naturally the wife wanted for herself and her husband to have a romantic vacation together, so she wished for them to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! ... The wife had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn and the fairy assured him he could have any wish he wanted, all he needed to do was ask for his heart's desire. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, honestly, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and kazoom! ... The husband turned 90!

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It's been posted somewhere before, but there is so much truth in this......

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely DIE!!!”

“Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he’s in a good mood.

For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.

Don’t burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don’t discuss your problems with him it will only make his stress worse.

Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs.

Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week, and satisfy his every whim.”

“If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”

On the way home the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”

She replied, “He said you’re gonna die.”

[BigGuy]

Subject: Blonde & Proud



A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one
night with the tip of her index finger shot off. 'How
did this happen?' the emergency room doctor asked her.
'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde
replied. 'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to
commit suicide by shooting off your finger?' 'No,
Silly, ' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my
chest, and then I thought, I just paid $6,000.00 for
these implants. I'm not shooting myself in the
chest.' 'So then?' asked the doctor. 'Then I put the
gun in my mouth, and I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00
to get my teeth straightened . I'm not shooting myself
in the mouth.' 'So then I put the gun to my ear, and I
thought: 'This is going to make a loud noise. So I put
my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.


A blonde was driving home after a game , and got
caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered
with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair
shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun. He told her to go home and
blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents
would pop out. So the blonde went home, got down on
her hands and knees, and started blowing into her
tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little
harder, and still nothing happened. Her blonde
roommate saw her , and asked, 'What are you doing?'
The first blonde told her how the repairman had
instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to
get all the dents to pop out. The roommate rolled her
eyes and said, 'Uh, like hello! You need to roll up
the windows first.'



A blonde was shopping at Target, and came across a
shiny silver thermos. She was quite fascinated by it,
so she picked it up and took it to the clerk to ask
what it was. The clerk said, 'Why, that's a
thermos..... it keeps hot things hot, and cold things
cold.' 'Wow, said the blonde, 'that's amazing....I'm
going to buy it!' So she bought the thermos and took
it to work the next day. Her boss saw it on her desk.
'What's that ? ' he asked. 'Why, that's a
thermos..... it keeps hot things hot and cold things
cold,' she replied. Her boss inquired, 'What do you
have in it?' The blond replied..... ..'Two popsicles
and some coffee.'


AND LAST BUT NOT LEAST

A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes
out. Her boss asked sympathetically, 'What's the
matter?' The blonde replies, 'Early this morning I got
a phone call saying that my mother had passed away.'
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, 'Why don't you
go home for the day? Take the day off to relax and
rest.' 'Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to
keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of
doing that here.' The boss agrees and allows the
blonde to work as usual. A couple of hours pass, and
the boss decides to check on the blonde. He looks out
from his office, and sees the blonde crying
hysterically. 'What's so bad now? Are you gonna be
okay?' he asks. 'No!' exclaims the blonde. 'I just
received a horrible call from my sister. Her mother
died, too!'

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Sometimes you just have to ask yourself "Will I live to be 80?"

I recently chose a new primary care physician.

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him,

"Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing on the beach?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

Then he looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a damn?"

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Reading Test
1. This is this cat
2. This is is cat
3. This is how cat
4. This is to cat
5. This is keep cat
6. This is an cat
7. This is old cat
8. This is fart cat
9. This is busy cat
10. This is forty cat
11. This is seconds cat
Now read each line
Now go to the third word & read straight down..

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Two boys were talking on their first day in school. "My daddy's an accountant", said one. "What does your daddy do?"

"My daddy's a lawyer."

"Honest?"

"No, just the regular kind."

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A lady in her late 40s went to a plastic surgeon for a facelift. The doctor told her of a new procedure called "The Knob." This knob is planted on the back of a woman's head and can be turned to tighten up the skin to produce the effect of a brand new facelift forever. Of course, the woman wanted "The Knob." Fifteen years later the woman went back to the surgeon. "All these years everything's been working just fine. I've had to turn the knob on lots of occasions and I've loved the results. But now I've developed two annoying problems. First of all, I've got these terrible bags under my eyes and the knob won't get rid of them." The doctor looked at her and said, "Those aren't bags, those are your breasts." She replied, "Well, I guess that explains the goatee."

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The FDA is considering additional warnings on beer and alcohol bottles, such as:

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember).

WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Thor.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.

WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an disruption in the space-time continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to "disappear."

WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
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When a man talks dirty to a women, its sexual harassment. When a women talks dirty to a man its $3.95 a minute.