Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Clever or not?

Mom: Lets review your math son.
Son: Sure mom.
Mom: If I give you an apple and Daddy gives you another one, what's the answer?
Son: Thank you very much!


Confession

A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"

Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"

The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."

And she says, "So have I, love."

To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."
_____

Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.

"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."

Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"

"Yes, I do."

"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"

"Yes, I have to admit that I did."

"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."

"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

[cobra de capell]

A Dog says: “Wow, master! You have adopted me as your own pet. You feed me and groom me and let me run around in the back yard to fulfill my necessary duties. You gave me a collar with my name on it, you pet me and let me sit in your lap, and you’ve given me my own house. You must be God!”

A Cat says: “Wow, master! You have adopted me as your own pet. You feed me and groom me and have given me a litter box to fulfill my necessary duties. You gave me a collar with my name on it, you pet me and let me sit in your lap, and you’ve given me my own house. I must be God!”

[cobra de capell]

I was testing the children in my Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, Would that get me into Heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would that get me into Heaven?"

Again, the answer was, "NO!"

By now I was starting to smile.

Hey, this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave candy to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?"

I asked them again. Again, they all answered, "NO!"

I was just bursting with pride for them. "Well," I continued, "then how can I get into Heaven?"

A five-year-old boy shouted out, "YOU GOTTA BE DEAD."

[cobra de capell]

A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too! She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade." The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" The principal and Harry both agree.
Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Harry: "Legs"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets"
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
"What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Harry: "Coconut"
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What do men do standing up, woman do sitting down and dogs do on
three legs?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer
Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I' sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yup"
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first." (Principal was looking restless and bit
tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his *** in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

[cobra de capell]

Two fleas had an arrangement to meet every summer in Miami for a
vacation. When one of the fleas arrived in Miami last year, he was
shivering and shaking.

The other flea asked him, " Why are you shaking so badly?"

The first flea said, "I rode down here from New Jersey in the moustache
of a guy on a motorcycle."

The other flea responded saying, "That's the worst way to travel. Try
what I do. Go to the New Jersey airport bar. Have a few drinks. While
you are there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle
in where its warm and cozy. Its the best way to travel that I can think
of."

The first flea thanked the second flea and said he would give it a try
next summer.

A year goes by.....When the first flea shows up in Miami he is shivering
and shaking again.

The second flea says, "Didn't you try what I told you?"

"Yes," says the first flea, "I did exactly as you said. I went to the
New Jersey airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young
stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so
nice and warm that I fell asleep. When I woke up, I couldn't believe it!
I was back in the moustache of a guy on a motorcycle!

[cobra de capell]

You may not know that many non-living things have a gender.

For example .....

1. Freezer bags:
They are male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2. Copiers:
They are female, because once turned off, it takes awhile to warm them up again. it's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are
pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3. Tires:
They are male, because they go bald and they're often over-inflated.

4. Hot air balloon:
Male, because to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.

5. Sponges:
Female because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.

6. Web page:
Female, because it's always getting hit on.

7. Subway:
Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.

8. Hourglass:
Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.

9. Hammer:
Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 500 years but it's handy to have around.

10. Remote control:
Female - ha! you thought it'd be male but consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

[cobra de capell]

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHOM TO MARRY? (Written by kids)


You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like
sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep
the chips and dip coming. -- Alan, age 10


No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to
marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later
who you're stuck with. -- Kristen, age 10


WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?


Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then. -- Camille, age 10


No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get
married. -- Freddie, age 6 (very wise for his age)


HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?


You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the
same kids. -- Derrick, age 8


WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?

Both don't want any more kids. -- Lori, age 8


WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know
each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long
enough. -- Lynnette, age 8 (isn't she a treasure)


On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually
gets them interested enough to go for a second date. -- Martin, age
10


WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?

I'd run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the
newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead
columns. -- Craig, age 9


WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

When they're rich. -- Pam, age 7

The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess
with that - - Curt, age 7

The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry
them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do. -- Howard,
age 8


IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?

I don't know which is better, but I'll tell you one thing. I'm
never going to have sex with my wife. I don't want to be all grossed
out. -- Theodore, age 8

It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need
someone to clean up after them. -- Anita, age 9 (bless you child)


HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?

There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there? --
Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favorite is.......

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?


Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a
truck. -- Ricky, age 10

[cobra de capell]

After a lengthy study, A Penn State Professor has discovered that people with insufficient brain and sexual activity read their e-mail and thread posts with their hand on the mouse.


Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.

[cobra de capell]

You know you're a redneck when ...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly
Swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.....( INTERESTING))
5. You think the "nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The salvation army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't
want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.... (SO WHATS
YOUR POINT)
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your Father
made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "cool Whip"
on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table... (IRONING BOARD
WHATS THAT..
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 worth of
Improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury Duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.

[Cobrabill]

2008 Democratic National Convention Schedule of Events:

7:00 pm ~ Opening flag burning
7:15 pm ~ Pledge of Allegiance to the U. N.
7:20 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
7:25 pm ~ Nonreligious prayer and worship with Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton
7:45 pm ~ Ceremonial tree hugging
7:55 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:00 pm ~ How I Invented the Internet - Al Gore
8:15 pm ~ Gay Wedding Planning - Barney Frank presiding
8:35 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
8:40 pm ~ Our Troops are War Criminals - John Kerry

9:00 pm ~ Memorial service for Saddam and his sons - Cindy Sheehan and Susan Sarandon
9:35 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast

10:00 pm ~ 'Answering Machine Etiquette' - Alec Baldwin
11:00 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:05 pm ~ Collection for the Osama Bin Laden kidney transplant fund - Barbra Streisand
11:15 pm ~ Free the Freedom Fighters from Guantanamo Bay -* Sean Penn
11:30 pm ~ Oval Office Affairs - William Jefferson Clinton
11:45 pm ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
11:50 pm ~ How George Bush Brought Down the World Trade Towers - Howard Dean
12:15 am ~ 'Truth in Broadcasting Award' - Presented to Dan Rather by Michael Moore
12:25 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
12:30 am ~ Satellite address by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
12:45 am ~ Nomination of Hillary Rodham Clinton by Nancy Pelosi
1:00 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
1:05 am ~ Coronation of Hillary Rodham Clinton
1:30 am ~ Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
1:35 am ~ Bill Clinton asks Ted Kennedy to drive Hillary home

[BigGuy]

BEST WELFARE JOKE OF THE YEAR:


A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches
straight up
to the counter and says, "Hi... You know, I just HATE ........drawing welfare
checks.

I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says, "Your timing
is excellent.

We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man
who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful
nymphomaniac daughter

You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply
all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided.

You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas
holiday trips.

You will have to satisfy her sexual urges.

You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The
starting salary is $90,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says , "You're Bull-****tin' me!"

The Social Worker says, "Yeah, well... You started it."

[Ron61]

----1----


One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-
shirt.
Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What
setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, " University of Oklahoma ".


And they say blondes are dumb...


----2----
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."


-----3----
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out
of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I
mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.


-----4----
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor


-----5-----
A man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said
that because they had been so good that each one of them could have one wish.
The wife wished for a trip around the world with her husband. Whoosh!
Immediately she had airline and cruise tickets in her hands. The man
wished for a female companion 30 years younger... Whoosh...immediately he
turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!


----6----
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;

Love to forgive him;

And Patience for his moods.

Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength,

I'll beat him to death.

AMEN


----7----
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.


----8----
Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.


----9----
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.


---10----
Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.


----11----
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

Ron

[cobra de capell]

She was Soooooooo Blonde . . .
* She thought a quarterback was a refund.
* She thought General Motors was in the army.
* She thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
* She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
* At the bottom of an application where it says "Sign here:" she wrote "Sagittarius." .
* She took the ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
* She sent a fax with a stamp on it.
* Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
* She tripped over a cordless phone.
* She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "Concentrate."
* She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
* She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
* She studied for a blood test.
* She sold the car for gas money.
* When she missed bus #44 she took bus #22 twice instead.
* When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said, "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
* When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
* She thought if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
* She thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.
* She had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This
Goes In Front."
* She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company

[Ron61]

the Preacher's Son


THE PREACHER'S SON: The choice in life. An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.

Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects: a Bible, a silver dollar, a bottle of whisky and a Playboy magazine

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be. And worst of all, if he picks up that magazine he's gonna be a skirt-chasin' bum."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room. The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink while he admired this month's Centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered, "He's gonna run for Congress!"

[cobra de capell]

GETTING OLD

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” “98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.” “So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented. She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

“And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked.

She simply replied, “No peer pressure!”

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs

I’ve sure got old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver’s licence

I feel like my body has got totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. “Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed. “Why Wal-Mart?” “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week “

My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkle s fill out.

It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

Remember: You don’t stop laughing because you grow old, You grow old because you stop laughing.

-— THE SENILITY PRAYER -—

Grant me the senility to forget the people

I never liked anyway,

the good fortune to run into the ones I do,

and the eyesight to tell the difference.

[strictlypersonl]

You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!!

You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Santa Ana, Mud, and Drought.

You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 4:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

[Ron61]

A man walked into a very high-tech bar. As he sat down on a stool, he
noticed that the bartender was a robot. The robot clicked to
attention and asked, "Sir, what will you have?"
The man thought a moment, then replied, "A martini, please".
The robot clicked a couple of times and mixed the best martini
the man had ever had. The robot then asked, "Sir, what is your
IQ?"
The man answered, "Oh, about 164."
The robot then proceeded to discuss the theory of relativity,
inter-stellar space travel, the latest medical breakthroughs, etc. .
The man was most impressed. He left the bar, but thought he would try
different tactic. He returned and took a seat.
Again, the robot clicked and asked what he would have.

A martini, please."
Again it was superb. The robot again asked, "What is your IQ, sir?"
This time the man answered, "Oh, about 100". So the robot started
discussing NASCAR racing, bass fishing and what to expect the
Steelers to do this weekend.
The guy had to try it one more time. So he left, returned and took a
stool . . . Again a martini, and the question "What is your IQ?"
This time the man drawled out "Uh . . . 'bout 50."
The robot clicked, then leaned close and very slowly asked,
A-r-e y-o-u-r p-e-o-p-l-e r-e-a-l-l-y g-o-i-n-g t-o
n-o-m-i-n-a-t-e H-i-l- l-a-r-y?"

[Ron61]

Wrong E-mail Address

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong e-mail address...

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter.

They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following
Day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send a e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send E-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
PS. Sure is hot down here!!!

[Cobrabill]

Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was
closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the
younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in
peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry
at the lack of response and the ol der alien said, "I'd calm down if I
were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again,
there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's
haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings,
Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to
your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You don't want to do that!
I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon at the
pump and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball
roared toward them and blew the younger alien off his feet and deposited
him a burnt, crumpling mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he
refocused his three eyes and straightened his bent antenna and looked
dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking
his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young, fried alien. "He damn
near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy
friend and replied, "If there's one thing I've learned during my many
intergalactic travels, you don't want to mess with any guy who can wrap
his dick around himself twice... and still hang it in his ear."

[cobra de capell]

Two peanuts walk into a rather rough bar, not looking for any trouble.
Unfortunately, one was a salted.
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
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Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
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"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."
"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well........It's not unusual........."
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A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only cling film for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says, "Are you sure?"
The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
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Answer phone message:
"If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says,
"My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? "
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "
"No, because he's really heavy."
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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.
He shouted,"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied,"I know you can't, I had to amputate your arms"
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I went to a really energetic "Seafood Disco" last week and pulled a mussel.
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Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
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A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any f*****g bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any f*****g bread, ask me again and I'll nail your f**king beak to the bar you irritating b*****d of a f*****g bird!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?