Jokes

[cobra de capell]

What does the average Arkansas high school student get on the S.A.T.?

Drool.
_____

Karl and Milly were lying in bed one night. Carl was falling asleep but Milly was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said, “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”

Wearily Karl reached across, held her hand for a second, and rolled over to try to fall asleep.

A few moments later she said, “Then you used to kiss me.” Mildly irritated, he leaned across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled back down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, “Then you used to bite my neck.”

Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.

“Where are you going?” she asked.

“To GET my teeth,” he replied.
_____

[cobra de capell]

Dilbert, Sunday.....

(Talking to his Mom)

How is work, Dilbert?

"I'm like a fly stuck in a thick tar of despair."

"Incompentence hangs in the air like the cold stench of death."

"I'm drowning, and monkeys dressed as lifeguards are throwing me anvils."

"My job has convinced me that life is a stale joke with no punch line."

"I long for the comfort of the grave."

Mom - "Next time just say 'It's fine'."

Dilbert - "I enjoy our talks."

Mom - "It's fine."

[cobra de capell]

EMBARRASSING MEDICAL EXAMS

1. A man comes into the ER and yells . . ." My wife's going to have her baby in the cab !" I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, Lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her under- wear. Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.

Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Francisco

2. At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall. " Big breaths,". . . I instructed. " Yes, they used to be,". . . replied the patient.

Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a Wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a " massive internal fart."

Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. " Which one ?". . . I asked. " The patch . . . the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it !" I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.

Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked " How long have you been bedridden ?" After a look of complete confusion she answered . . ." Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was alive."

Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Corvallis , OR

6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . ." So how's your breakfast this morning?" " It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't seem to get used to the taste.". . . Bob replied. I then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled " KY Jelly."

Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read . . ." Keep off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said " Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn."

Submitted by RN no name

AND FINALLY ! ! ! . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB, I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams.. To cover my embarrassment I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said . . ." I'm sorry. Was I tickling you ?" She replied with tears running down her cheeks from laughing so hard . . ." No doctor, but the song you were whistling was . . .' I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.' "

Dr. wouldn't submit his name

[427sharpe]

A little old man is driving home with his wife when he gets pulled over by a cop. Cop steps to the window and tells the old man..."Sir, I clocked you at 71 in a 55 zone. Is there an emergency?" Old man replies "Officer, I had my cruise control on 55. Has your radar been calibrated?" Without waiting a beat the wife says "Why Bert, you know this old car doesn't have cruise control!"
The old man says quietly, "Can you please be quiet for a moment?"
Cop writes the ticket, then tells him "I also noticed you weren't wearing your seatbelt..thats a $75 fine." Old man: "But I took off my seatbelt to get my wallet when you pulled me over!" and againg the wife chirps in: "Why HONEY! You KNOW you NEVER wear the seatbelt!!" and this drives the old man over the edge. He starts yelling at his wife: "You STUPID, IGNORANT SILLY OLD BITC*! WHEN ARE YOU GONNA LEARN WHEN TO KEEP YOUR PHUKIN" MOUTH SHUT AND LET ME HANDLE SOMETHING!!!"
Cop lets him cool down, then asks the wife "Does he always talk to you that way?"

"ONLY WHEN HE'S DRUNK!"

[Ron61]

In one episode of "Cheers", Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo
Theory to his buddy, Norm. I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained
any better than this . .

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A herd of buffalo can only move as
fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the lowest
and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is
good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the
whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest
brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells.
But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this
way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the
brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

[cobra de capell]

If You Love Somebody

I always thought the original saying was, "If you love something, set it free. If it doesn't come back to you, it wasn't yours to begin with."

However, for the purposes of this test, let's use the proposed version. In which category do you fall?

"The Old Version"
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, she never was....

"The New Versions"

Pessimist
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

Optimist
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
Don't worry, she will come back.

Suspicious
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

Impatient
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time forget her.

Patient
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...

Playful
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
* If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat *

Vengeful
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she doesn't come back,
Hunt her down and shoot her.

C++ Programmer
if(you-love(m_she)) m_she.free()
if(m_she == NULL)
m_she= new CShe;

Animal-Rights Activist
If you love somebody, Set her free...
In fact, all living creatures deserve to be free!!

Lawyers
If you love somebody, Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

Bill Gates
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she comes back, I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

Biologist
If you love somebody, Set her free...
She'll evolve.

Statistician
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high,
If she doesn't, your relation was improbable anyway.

Schwarzenegger's Fan
If you love somebody, Set her free...
SHE'LL BE BACK!

Overpossessive
If you love somebody don't set her free.

HR Specialist
If you love somebody set her free
By Offering her VRS and other benefits, then outsource her.

MBA
If you love somebody set her free...
instantaneously...and look for others simultaneously

Psychologist
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

Somnambulist
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, it's a nightmare
If she doesn't, you must be dreaming.

Rhett Butler
If you love somebody set YOURSELF FREE
If she asks you why say you don't give a damn.

ERP Functional Expert
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, map her into your system
If she doesn't, carry out a gap-fit analysis

Finance Expert
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

Marketing Expert
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

[cobra de capell]

A guy named Roger is driving his girlfriend, Gloria, home from dinner one night, when Gloria says, “Do you realize that, as of tonight, we’ve been seeing each other for exactly six months?” There is silence in the car. To Gloria, it seems like a very loud silence.

Gloria (thinking): Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he’s been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I’m trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn’t want, or isn’t sure of.

Roger (thinking): Gosh. Six months.

Gloria (thinking): But, hey, I’m not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I’d have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are...I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?

Roger (thinking): So that means it was...let’s see...February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer’s, which means...lemme check the odometer...Whoa, I am way overdue for an oil change here.

Gloria (thinking): He’s upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I’m reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed, even before I sensed it, that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that’s it. That’s why he’s so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He’s afraid of being rejected.

Roger (thinking): And I’m gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don’t care what those morons say, it’s still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It’s 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600!

Gloria (thinking): He’s angry. And I don’t blame him. I’d be angry too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can’t help the way I feel. I’m just not sure.

Roger (thinking): They’ll probably say it’s only a 90-day warranty. That’s exactly what they’re gonna say, the scumballs.

Gloria (thinking): Maybe I’m just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I’m sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I truly do care about, a person who is in pain because of my self-centered schoolgirl romantic fantasy.

Roger (thinking): Warranty? They want a warranty? I’ll give them a warranty. I’ll take their warranty and stick it right up their...

Gloria (aloud): Roger?

Roger (startled): What?

Gloria (her eyes filling with tears): Please don’t torture yourself like this. Maybe I should never have...Oh God, I feel so...

Roger: What?

Gloria (sobbing): I’m such a fool. I mean, I know there’s no knight. I really know that. It’s silly. There’s no knight, and there’s no horse.

Roger: There’s no horse?

Gloria: You think I’m a fool, don’t you?

Roger (relieved finally to know the right answer): No.

Gloria: It’s just that...It’s that I...I need some time.

Roger (after a 15-second pause during which he is thinking as fast as he can, trying to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.): Yes.

Gloria (deeply moved, touching his hand): Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?

Roger: What way?

Gloria: That way about time.

Roger: Oh. Yes.

Gloria (gazing deeply into Roger’s eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.): Thank you, Roger.

Roger: Thank you.

Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed and cries until dawn. Roger goes back to his place, opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he could ever understand what. He figures it’s better if he doesn’t think about it.

The next day Gloria calls all her best friends and talks about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail they analyze everything she said and everything he said, considering every possible ramification. They continue to discuss this subject off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions.

Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Gloria’s, pauses just before serving, frowns, and says, “Norm, did Gloria ever own a horse?”

[Ron61]

REDNECK CHURCH

1. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows how to play one.

2. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
People ask, when they learn that Jesus fed the 5000, whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what bait was used to catch 'em.

3. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
When the pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering," five guys and two women stand up.

4. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official church holiday.

5. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
A member of the church requests to be buried in his 4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get out of" LOVE IT!

6. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
The choir is known as the "OK Chorale".

7. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven last names in the church directory.

8. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
People think "rapture" is what you get when you lift something too heavy.

9. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The baptismal pool is a #2 galvanized " Wheeling " washtub.

10. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The choir robes were donated by (and embroidered with the logo from) Billy Bob's Barbecue.

11. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ..
The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

12. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
Instead of a bell you are called to service by a duck call.

13. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The minister and his wife drive matching pickup trucks.

14. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if ...
The communion wine is Boone's Farm "Tickled Pink".

15. You Know You're in a Redneck Church if...
"Thou shall not covet" applies to huntin' dogs, too.

16. You know You're in a Redneck Church if ...

The final words of the benediction are, "Y'all come back now, Ya hear."

[cobra de capell]

Also, Hillary promises not to go negative.....

Even though she’s apparently in a slide at the moment, the Hillary Clinton campaign is promising not to go negative against B. Hussein Obama.

A spokesperson anonymously put a positive spin on the campaign and said today, “While we understand Hillary is apparently sliding in poll after poll against B. Hussein Obama, we must call a spade a spade and admit we are now behind the black 8-ball. Like Davey Crockett at the Alamo, fighting in his coonskin hat, we feel we’re fighting for the survival of America. Hillary will be niggardly in her fiscal policy, keeping taxes low on middle and lower class American by soaking the rich for more than they already pay, subsidizing lower class Americans to achieve their right of being equal." Reaching for a coke, they said further, “What two people choose to do in the back seat of a car is their business", a statement in defense of personal rights.

"Hillary refuses to cater to any specific demographic group and will address all Americans and hyphenated-Americans equally, although she did thoroughly enjoy her latest trip to Mexico and truly appreciates the Mexicans and their hospitality."

Developing.......

[cobra de capell]

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician. ‘Doctor,’ the man said, ‘I don’t mind telling you, but I’m a little upset because my daughter has red hair.

She can’t possibly be mine.’ ‘Nonsense,’ the doctor said. ‘Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool.’

‘It isn’t possible,’ the man insisted. ‘This can’t be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations.’

‘Well,’ said the doctor, ‘let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?’ The man seemed a bit ashamed. ‘I’ve been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months.’

‘Well, there you have it!’ the doctor said. ‘It’s rust.’

[cobra de capell]

day in the life of a cat and dog

The Dog’s Diary

8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!

9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!

9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!

10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!

12:00 PM - Milk bones! My favorite thing!

1:00 PM - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!

3:00 PM - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!

5:00 PM - Dinner! My favorite thing!

7:00 PM - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!

8:00 PM - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!

11:00 PM - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!

The Cat’s Diary

Day 983 of my captivity.

My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.

They dine l avishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash
or some sort of dry nuggets. Although I make my contempt for the rations
perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my
strength.

The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an Attempt to
disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet. Today I decapitated a mouse
and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike
fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities.
However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little
hunter” I am. Bastards!

There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed
in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear
the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to
the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to
my advanta ge.

Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my
tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this
again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs.

I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and Snitches.
The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released, and seems to
be more than willing to return. He is obviously Retarded.

The bird must be an informant. I observe him communicate with the Guards
regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have
arranged protective custody for him in an Elevated Cell, so he is safe.

For now.
=

[cobra de capell]

A teacher asks her class to use the word 'contagious'.


Roland the teacher's pet, gets up and says, 'Last year I got the
measles and my mum said it was contagious.' 'Well done, Roland,' says the teacher.

'Can anyone else try?'

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, 'My grandma says
there's a bug going round, and it's contagious.' 'Well done, Katie,' says the teacher.

'Anyone else?'

Little Irish Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, 'Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious.'

[cobra de capell]

A man and a woman who had never met before, and were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly..... He in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you,
but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'


'I have a better idea,' she replied . 'Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married.'



'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed.



'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f**##*#* blanket.'



After a moment of silence, he farted.

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

Male and Females......there is a difference......

1.NAMES
If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

2.EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20 , even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the women get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

3.MONEY
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

4.BATHROOMS
A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337.
A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

5.ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that... is the beginning of a new argument.

6.CATS
Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.


7.FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

8.SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

9.MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change , and she does.

10.DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage,
answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

11.NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

12.OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

13.THOUGHT FOR THE DAY
Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people
remembering the same thing.
_______

[cobra de capell]

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm.'

"Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm' there. That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?".

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm."

[cobra de capell]

Employer's Lingo:

"Competitive Salary"
We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Join Our Fast-Paced Team"
We have no time to train you.

"Casual Work Atmosphere"
We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up.

"Must be Deadline Oriented"
You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"Some Overtime Required"
Some time each night and some time each weekend.
"Duties Will Vary"
Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must Have an Eye For Detail"
We have no quality control.

"Career-Minded"
Female applicants must be childless and remain that way.

"Apply in Person"
If you're old, fat, or ugly, you'll be told the position has been filled.

"No Phone Calls Please"
We've filled the job. Our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

"Seeking Candidates With a Wide Variety of Experience"
You'll need it to replace the three people who just left.

"Problem-Solving Skills a Must"
You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

"Requires Team Leadership Skills"
You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

"Good Communication Skills"
Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want, and do it.



Employee's Lingo:

"I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization"
I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'm honest, hardworking and dependable"
I pilfer office supplies.

"My pertinent work experience includes..."
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I take pride in my work"
I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'm personable"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to coworkers.

"I'm extremely professional"
I carry a Day-Timer.

"I am adaptable"
I've changed jobs a lot.

"I am on the go"
I'm never at my desk.

"I'm highly motivated to succeed"
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.

[cobra de capell]

Top 25 List of New Flavors to Commemorate Ben & Jerry's Endorsement of Barack Obama


25. Coffee For A Change (previously retired B&J flavor)
24. Polyanna Obama Banana
23. Free Lunch Crunch
22. Bright Clean Nice Ice
21. Socialist Sorbet
20. Chocolate Mousselim
19. Barry No Idea Garcia
18. Commie Caramel Surprise
17. Scary Barry Dream
16. Chocolate Fluff Shuffle
15. Half Baked Funky Monkey
14. Madmadamia Nut
13. Baraccoli Swirl- Tastes disgusting, but at least it's a change.
12. Chocolate Brownie Bites with Dope We Can Believe In
11. BarackBerry
10. Negropolitan
9. Che Guava Revolution
8. Magic Negro Cookie Dough
7. Death by Diversity
6. Vanilla White Guilt
5. Madrassa Mint
4. Empty Suity Fruity
3. S'mores Wars
2. Mocha Messiah
1. Baracky Road

[cobra de capell]

Revolutions: The Eagle & The Stud

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as priests. What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains."

"So be it," says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"

"No, I told you the computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing."

"In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud."

"So be it!" says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests. "Will you have any trouble locating them?" asks the Almighty.

"The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.

"He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota," said St. Peter.

[cobra de capell]

Cigars for the Judge

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. “If I lose this case, I’ll be ruined.” “It’s in the judge’s hands now,” said the lawyer. “Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?” “Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn’t even smile at the judge.” Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, “Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!” “I’m sure we would have lost the case if you’d sent them.” “But, I did send them.” “What? You did?” said the lawyer, incredulously. “Yes. That’s how we won the case.” “I don’t understand,” said the lawyer. “It’s easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff’s business card.”
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Who Wants To be A Millionaire ???

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

'No!' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

'Yes!' she replied.

Then I said, 'I'd like to phone a friend.'

That's the last thing I remember.