Jokes

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ARKANSAS CONDOMINIUMS

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A motorist had a flat tire in front of an insane asylum. He took the wheel off, but when he stood up he tipped over the hubcap containing the bolts, spilling them all down a sewer drain.
A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that the man take one bolt from the remaining three wheels to hold the fourth wheel in place until he could get to a service station.

The motorist thanked him profusely and said, "I don't know why you are in that place."

The patient said, "I'm in here for being crazy, not for being stupid."

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TEN SIGNS YOU MIGHT BE TALIBAN

10. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
9. You own a $300 machine gun and a $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
8. You have more wives than teeth.
7. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can’t think of anyone you HAVEN’T declared Jihad against.
5. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry ammunition in your robe.
4. You’ve never been asked, “Does this burka make my ass look big?”
3. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
2. A common compliment is, “I love what you’ve done with your cave.”

And, the NUMBER ONE SIGN you might be a member of the Taliban:
1. You wipe your ass with your bare hand, but consider bacon unclean.

[cobra de capell]

The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine early each morning.

As always, Snow White stayed home doing her domestic chores.

As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their lunch and carry it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw that there had been a terrible cave-in.

Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had somehow survived.

“Hello, hello!” she shouted. “Can anyone hear me? Hello!”

For a long while, there was no answer.

Losing hope, Snow White again shouted, “Hello! Is anyone down there?”

Just as she was about to give up all hope, there came a faint voice from deep within the mine.

“Vote for Hillary! Vote for Hillary!”

Snow White fell to her knees, crossed herself, and prayed, “Oh, thank you God! At least Dopey is still alive.”

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A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.
She asked Kady what he had done over the weekend.

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done.

"I took ride on a choo choo. "

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use "Big People' words."

She then asked little Zach what he had done .

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

[I love this]

Zach thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said:

"Winnie the SH*T".

[cobra de capell]

2 Minute Management Course.....

A lesson for us all. No matter, at what level you may be!!

Lesson One:

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him,
"Can I also sit on my butt like you and do nothing?"
The eagle answered "Sure, why not."
So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle, and rested. Suddenly,
a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson:
To be sitting on your butt and doing nothing,
you must be sitting very high up.

Lesson Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the
turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on
some of my manure droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with
nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of manure, found it actually
gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The
next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.
Finally after a fourth night, he was proudly perched at the top of the
tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out
of the tree.

Management Lesson:
Bull Schitt might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

Lesson Three:

A little bird was flying south for the winter.
It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field.
While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As
the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize
how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there
warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the
bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat
discovered the bird under t he pile of cow dung, promptly dug him out and
ate him.

Management Lessons:
1) Not everyone who schitt on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of schitt is your friend.
3) And when you're in deep schitt, it's best to keep your mouth shut!


This concludes your two-minute management course

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Two old ladies are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. One of the old ladies pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and! contin ues smoking.

MARY: What in the hell is that?

JUDY: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

MARY: Where did you get it?

JUDY: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, MARY hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

"Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted!

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Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working
under your vehicle...

From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he
fixed the car in the lot. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned
private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the
embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.
She took a deep breath and stood up boldly to face the crowd.
She looked across the hood and found herself staring at her
husband, who had been standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
______

Watch for these consolidations in 2008:

1. Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W R. Grace Co. Will merge and become: Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2. PolygramRecords, Warner Bros., and ZestaCrackers join forces and become: Poly, Warner Cracker.

3. 3M will merge with Goodyear and become: MMMGood.

4. ZippoManufacturing, AudiMotors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become: ZipAudiDoDa .

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become: FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become: Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Pou pon and Docker Pants are expected to become: PouponPants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become: Knott NOW!

And finally...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith &Wesson will merge under the new name: TittyTittyBangBang

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THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from the shower, my wife stands in front of the mirror complaining to me that her breasts are too small.

Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, I
uncharacteristically come up with a suggestion. ‘If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.’

Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts. ‘How long will this take?’ she asked.

‘They will grow larger over a period of years,’ I reply.

She stopped. ‘Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?’

Without missing a beat I say ‘Worked for your butt, didn't it?’

I'm still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, I may even walk again,

Although I will probably continue to take my meals through a straw.

I'm a stupid, stupid man.

[cobra de capell]

I was traveling between West Palm Beach and Boca Raton the other day when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, “Need a lift?”

“Yes, I sure do,” I replied.

“You a Republican or Democrat?” asked the old man.

“Republican,” I replied.

“Well, you can just go to Hell,” yelled the old man as he sped off.

Another guy stopped, rolled down the window and asked me the same question. Again, I gave the same answer, “Republican.” The driver gave me the finger and drove off.

I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Republicans. The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde. She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Republican or Democrat.

“Democrat,” I shouted.

“Hop in,” replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, I couldn’t help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.

Finally, I yelled, “Please stop the car!”

She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out. ‘What’s the matter?” she asked.

“I can’t take it anymore,” I replied, “I’ve only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to screw somebody !!”

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A Condensed Version of History

Humans originally existed as members of
small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were:

1. The invention of beer,
and

2. The invention of the wheel.

The wheel was invented to get man to the
beer.

These were the foundation of modern
civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1. Liberals

2. Conservatives

Once beer was discovered, it required grain
and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet for shipping the beer, so early humans stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and
killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer.
This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative Movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled
at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly BBQ’s and do the sewing, fetching, and shampooing and dressing of hair. This was the beginning of the Liberal Movement.

Some of these liberal men evolved into
women. The rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of socialism so they could divide the meat and beer that the Conservatives provided.

Over the years Conservatives came to be
symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant.

Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with a
lime or an orange added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish (but like their beef well done), sushi, tofu, and French food. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than liberal men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, Hollywood actors and group therapists are liberals.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide for their women and families. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, Marines and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies like to hire other conservatives because they want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives first came to America They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

This ends today’s lesson in world
history......

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Top this for a speeding ticket....

Two California Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of the Marine Corps Air Station at Miramar . One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill.

The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour. The officer tempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the tree tops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near the location.

Back at the CHP Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMC Base Commander The reply came back in true USMC style:


"Thank you for your letter. We can now complete the file on this incident.

You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.

Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.

Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.

The pilot also suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.

Thank you for your concern. Semper Fi."

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A major research institution has announced the discovery of the heaviest
element yet known to science - "managementium." It has 1 neutron, 12
assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons and 111 assistant deputy neutrons
for an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons that are
further surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like sub particles called
peons.

Managementium has no electrons and is therefore inert. It can be detected
however since it impedes every reaction it comes into contact with. A tiny
amount of managementium can take a reaction that normally occurs in
seconds and slow it to the point where it take days.

Managementium has a normal half life of three years. It doesn't decay but
"re-organizes", a process where assistant deputy neutrons and deputy
neutrons change places. This process actually causes it to grow as in the
confusion some morons become neutrons, thereby forming isodopes.

This phenomenon of "moron promotion" has led to some speculation that
governmentium forms whenever sufficient morons meet in concentration forming
critical morass. Researchers believe that in Managementium, the more you re-
organize, the morass you cover.

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A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive
woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter
took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is
seated over there", and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She
stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then
decided to send a reply to him by a note.

The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her
and delivered it to the gentleman. The note read, "For me to accept this
bottle you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the
bank, and 7 inches in your pants."

After reading the note the man decided to compose one of his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it
to the lady. The note read, "I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z 8, Mercedes
CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have large, beautiful
homes in Aspen, Miami, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over
20 million dollars in my bank and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as
beautiful as you are, would I cut off three inches. Just send the bottle
back."

[DAVID GAGNARD]

The IRS decides to audit Boudreaux, and summons him to the IRS
office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Boudreaux shows up with
his attorney. The IRS had demanded $23,000 in taxes from Boudreaux due
to unreported income.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle
and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win
money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Boudreaux. "How
about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Boudreaux says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite
my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Boudreaux removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw
drops.
B oudreaux says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I
can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Boudreaux isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Boudreaux removes his dentures and bites his good eye..

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three
grand, with Boudreaux's attorney as a witness. He starts to get
nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Boudreaux asks. "I'll bet you six
thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee
into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere
in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks
carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt,
so he agrees again.

Boudreaux stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but
although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the
wastebasket on other side, so pretty much urinates all over the
desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a
major loss into a huge win. But Boudreaux's attorney moans and puts
his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the
attorney. "This morning, when Boudreaux told me he'd been summoned to
appear in person before the IRS, he bet me twenty-thousand dollars
that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd
be happy about it."

[fsstnotch]

Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one. Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

< B>P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to: straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the
best one for last.................

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[cobra de capell]

She told me that we couldn't afford beer anymore and that I would have to guit.

Then I caught her spending $85 on makeup.

I asked her how come I had to give up stuff and she didn't.

She said that she needed makeup to look pretty for me.

I told her that was what the beer was for.

I don't think she's coming back.

[cobra de capell]

A visiting Japanese company man goes to the eye doctor in Sacramento complaining of recurrent pain in his left eye.

The doctor instructs him to lie back in his examination chair and to relax as he uses a scope apparatus to check the man's irritated eye.

He tells him, "Mr Watanabe, I'm afraid that you have a cataract."

The man sits up and snaps back sharply, "No, no, doctor - I drive ova he-ah in Rincon Conterrental!"

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On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating great pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, He pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face.

What happened?" he exclaimed. "You pushed too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

Men Never Listen.

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A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman. And was somewhat upset.

"You are a disrespectful pig!" she cried. "How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!"

And the husband replied "Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened."

"Fine, go ahead," she sobbed, " but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!"

And the husband began -- "Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments. Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use be cause someone at work has a pair the same"

The husband took a quick breath and continued - "She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me! with tears in her eyes and said, Please ... do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?"