Jokes

[cobra de capell]

I JUST HEARD THAT OBAMA IS GOING TO IMPOSE A 40% TAX ON ASPIRIN BECAUSE IT'S WHITE AND IT WORKS!

Beer is better than Obama, because........

..soldiers like beer.

..... sailors like beer.

..... marines like beer.

..... beer doesn't come from Madrassas.

..... you know what's in beer.

..... beer won't take half your paycheck.

..... beer makes life a little better.

..... you're sad if there's no more beer.

..... beer doesn't lie.

..... beer doesn't have entitlement demands.

..... beer and whine don't mix.

..... beer has a pretty good head on it.

..... beer and bowling go together.

..... beer and arugula don't.

..... beer doesn't leave a bad taste in your mouth.

..... beer doesn’t mind if you cling to your beer.

..... beer doesn’t trash talk you behind your back.

..... cold beer disproves the myth of man made global warming.

..... imported beer doesn’t pretend to be domestic.

..... beer likes it when I set my thermostat COLD.

..... beer is GREEN only on St. Patrick’s Day.

..... beer didn’t smoke pot and snort coke.

..... beer is better than Vichy Water.

..... beer is unpretentious.

..... people in small towns cling to God, guns and beer.

..... beer doesn't promise you a free lunch.

..... there ain't no Pabst Bilal* Ribbon. Not yet anyway. *"Bilal - Satisfies thirst; name of the Prophets Muezzin (one who calls for prayer)"

..... beer won’t throw you under the bus.

..... beer doesn't cut and run.

..... beer isn't phony.

..... beer doesn't flip-flop.

..... beer’s ingredients known for sure.

..... beer makes people happy.

..... beer is as American as apple pie.

..... beer isn't promoted on National Public Radio.

..... beer doesn't mind if you own an SUV.

..... beer doesn't care how much you make.

..... a beer won't blame America for 9/11.

..... beer doesn't whine, it bubbles.

..... beer isn't a lawyer.

..... beer comes with an expiration date.

..... beer and NASCAR go together.

..... you're not afraid to turn your back on a beer.

..... beers don't have friends who bombed the pentagon.

..... an empty beer is better than an empty suit.

..... beer minds its own business.

..... beer doesn't tell you what you want to hear.

..... beer is worth what you pay for it.

..... beer doesn't lecture you about "global warming."

..... beer doesn't care what color you are.

..... beer doesn't want to take away your gun.

..... beer is popular with working people.

..... beer isn't crazy.

..... beers don't start out as empties.

..... beers don't rig elections.

..... beers don't raise taxes.

..... beer and coke don't mix.

..... beer wants to make you sociable; Obama wants to make you socialist.

..... no matter how often you pee, you can't rid yourself of Obama.

..... a beer hangover means you had a good time; an Obama hangover means the good times are gone.

..... beer will make the ball game more fun; Obama will tax your balls off.

..... too much beer means some of us will occasionally have to say "I'm sorry." Too much Obama means we're all gonna be very, very sorry for a long, long time.
_________

[cobra de capell]

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.

SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal
limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

SYMPTOM: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

SYMPTOM: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It’s water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

SYMPTOM: Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

SYMPTOM: Don’t recognize anyone, don’t recognize the room you’re in.
FAULT: You’ve wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

SYMPTOM: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

SYMPTOM: Don’t remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask “Why aren’t you drinking a Guinness?” and the Guinness president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”



You know you’re from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can’t afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child’s 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can’t remember . . . is pot illegal?

6. You’ve been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can’t remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy sitting in Starbucks at 8:30 a.m. wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can’t remember . . . is pot illegal?

14. It’s barely sprinkling rain and there’s a report on every news station: ‘STORM WATCH.’

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cellphones or iPods.

16. It’s barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver’s license. If you’re here illegally, they want to give you one

[cobra de capell]

The first ship from Earth landed, and the inhabitants of the distant planet, after initial courtesies, gave their guests a tour. The Earthlings were particularly amazed at being shown a factory where babies were assembled. And how else, asked their host, would you do it? The answer led to some incredulity, and so, with some trepidation, a pair of Earthlings volunteered to give a demonstration. After it was over, one of the natives said "Remarkable. But where's the baby?" "You have to be patient. It takes 9 months." "But then why were you in such a hurry toward the end?"

THE SENILITY PRAYER:

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

[cobra de capell]

WASHINGTON, DC ... August 2, 2009 ... As Congress adjourns for its summer recess, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi has issued a statement on a new plan she promises to schedule a vote on upon Congress' return in September. The new plan -- Gold for Geezers -- would give participants as much as $4,500 for each senior citizen they turn-in to a new Department of Elderly Recycling for disposal.

"We know the Bush Reich is something we will be dismantling for the next eight years," said Pelosi. "As part of the Democrat Party recovery plan, we will introduce this program to help solve several vital issues, including skyrocking medical costs, over population, a need to turn to Green Energy, wrongthought, and a way to decrease the Bush Deficit."

A summary of the plan shows that once older, useless, costly seniors are turned-into a local facility, they will be given 20 minutes of peaceful images while they are "put to sleep." Afterwards, their bodies will be treated with amino acid ribonucelaic disassemblers and the resulting material used as fuel to produce green energy in plants being built by Al Gore's Green World Corporation.

The plan reveals that the Department of Education will coordinate a program by which school children will be encouraged to report any senior citizens who are living with them and may be reluctant to participate on their own. A new Students for Progress Corps, run by the White House, will be established to implement the plan.

"This is clearly a win-win," said the Speaker. "Households needing extra money because of eight years of Bush's destructive policies can receive as much as $ 4,500, depending upon the unproductivity of the oldster involved, and use that money for some worthwhile purchases, not to mention freeing-up that former parent's or grandparent's bedroom for more productive purposes."

A vote is expected this fall with passage considered likely. Congressmembers will be exempt from the program.

[cobra de capell]

Did you know:

That the words race car spelled backward says race car.

That eat is the only word that if you take the 1st letter and move it to the last, it spells it's past tense ate.

Have you noticed that if you rearrange the letters in "illegal immigrants," and add just a few more letters, it spells out:

"F$%k off and go home you free-loading, benefit grabbing, kid producing, violent, non-English speaking c$%ksuckers and take those hairy faced, sandal wearing, bomb making, goat f$%king, smelly rag head bastards with you."

How weird is that?
_____

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little
girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said, 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yep,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. The cop said, 'Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it.'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you got, did
Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes, he sure did,' chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa
the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.'
_____

A blonde teenage girl, wanting to earn some extra money for the
summer, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing
a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.

She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if
he had any odd jobs for her to do.

'Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,' he said.
'How much will you charge me?'

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, 'How about $50?'

The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything
she would need was in the garage. The man's wife, hearing the conversation
said to her husband, 'Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way
around the house?'

He responded, 'That's a bit cynical, isn't it?'

The wife replied, 'You're right. I guess I'm starting to Believe
all those dumb blonde jokes'.

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

'You're finished already?' the startled husband asked.
'Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave
it two coats.'

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed
it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

'And by the way,' the blonde added, 'it's not a Porch,
it's a Lexus.'

[cobra de capell]

how to get to heaven from Ireland

I was testing the children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumbo sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'

'NO!' the children answered.

'If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, the answer was 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile, with a sense of pride in their understanding.

' Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'

Again, they all answered 'NO!' I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, ' Then how can I get into heaven?'



With the biggest smile on his face, six year-old Shamus O'Brien shouted out " YOU'VE GOTTA BE F'en' DEAD..........!"


Bless his little heart!
_____

A man explained inflation to his wife: "When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much."
_____

A steam locomotive passing through Poland one night was running low
on coal. The engineer said to his fireman, "We're coming to a town,
let's stop and send the porter out to get more coal. Can you see the
name of the town on the depot sign?" The fireman replied, "It appears
to be Danzig in the dark." And the engineer shouted, "Buy coal, Porter!"
_____

While I sat in the reception area of my doctor's office, a woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. Just as I was thinking I should make small talk with him, a little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, 'I know how you feel. My mom makes me ride in the stroller too.'.
* * *
As I was nursing my baby, my cousin's six-year-old daughter, Krissy, came into the room. Never having seen anyone breast feed before, she was intrigued and full of all kinds of questions about what I was doing. After mulling over my answers, she remarked, 'My mom has some of those, but I don't think she knows how to use them.'
* * *
Out bicycling one day with my eight-year-old granddaughter, Carolyn, I got a little wistful. 'In ten years,' I said, 'you'll want to be with your friends and you won't go walking, biking, and swimming with me like you do now. Carolyn shrugged. 'In ten years you'll be too old to do all those things anyway.'
* * *
Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her needle. 'No, no, no!' she screamed. 'Lizzie,' scolded her mother, 'that's not polite behavior.' With that, the girl yelled even louder, 'No, thank you! No, thank you!
* * *
On the way back from a Cub Scout meeting, my grandson asked my son the question. 'Dad, I know that babies come from mommies' tummies, but how do they get there in the first place?' he asked innocently. After my son hemmed and hawed awhile, my grandson finally spoke up in disgust. 'You don't have to make something up, Dad. It's OK if you don't know the answer.'
* * *
Just before I was deployed to Iraq , I sat my eight-year-old son down and broke the news to him. 'I'm going to be away for a long time,' I told him. 'I'm going to Iraq .' 'Why?' he asked. 'Don't you know there's a war going on over there?'
* * *
Paul Newman founded the Hole in the Wall Gang Camp for children stricken with cancer, AIDS and blood diseases. One afternoon he and his wife, Joanne Woodward, stopped by to have lunch with the kids. A counselor at a nearby table, suspecting the young patients wouldn't know that Newman was a famous movie star, explained, 'That's the man who made this camp possible. Maybe you've seen his picture on his salad dressing bottle?' Blank stares. 'Well, you've probably seen his face on his lemonade carton.' An eight-year-old girl perked up. 'How long was he missing?'
* * *
His wife's grave side service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.

[cobra de capell]

Tips for traveling in the South



--If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth eating.

-- If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel-drive truck with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help, just stay out of their way -- this is what they live for.

-- Don't be surprised to find boiled peanuts, movie rentals and fishing bait in the same store.

-- Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

-- Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

-- If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" -- stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

-- If you see a turn signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.



-- Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. They are to be positioned directly in front of one's trailer, since it cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.

-- As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember: many Southerners learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.

-- You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

______

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening. She was knitting and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied, "Oh yeah? Prove it."He frowned for a moment and said, "OK," then got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face.About half an hour later he returned all tired and sweaty. "Well, the cow and the sheep definitely didn't have one. But the way that pig squealed, it's hard to tell!"
_____

It is near the end of the school year? The teacher has turned in the grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is MAD that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says,?" John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right? Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is BOILING mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these *****es would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?!?!"

Johnny: "BILL CLINTON? CAN I GO NOW?"

[cobra de capell]

For those that don't know about history ... Here is a condensed version:

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct subgroups:

1 . Liberals, and
2. Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.

Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the Conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the Liberal movement.

Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. Those became known as girlie-men. Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer, mostly Bud or Miller. They eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police officers, engineers, corporate executives, athletes, members of the military, airline pilots and generally anyone who works productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing.. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to America . They crept in after the Wild West was tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.

Here ends today's lesson in world history:

It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to the above before forwarding it.

A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers and to more liberals just to tick them off.

And there you have it.

Let your next action reveal your true self .
_____

Dr. Epstein was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate,
graduate, and medical degrees in his home town and then left for
Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper, at a conference,
coincidentally held in his home town. He walked on stage and placed his
papers on the lectern, but they slid off onto the floor. As he bent
over to retrieve them, at precisely the wrong instant, he inadvertently
farted. The microphone amplified his mistake resoundingly through the
room and reverberated it down the hall! He was quite embarrassed but
somehow regained his composure just enough to deliver his paper. He
ignored the resounding applause and raced out the stage door, never to
be seen in his home town again.

Decades later, when his elderly mother was ill, he returned to visit
her. He reserved a hotel room under the name of Levy and arrived under
cover of darkness.

The desk clerk asked him, "Is this your first visit to our city, Mr.
Levy?"

Dr. Epstein replied, "Well, young man, no, it isn't. I grew up here and
received my education here, but then I moved away."

Why haven't you visited?" asked the desk clerk.

Actually, I did visit once, many years ago, but an embarrassing thing
happened and since then I've been too ashamed to return."

The clerk consoled him. "Sir, while I don't have your life experience,
one thing I have learned is that often what seems embarrassing to me
isn't even remembered by others. I bet that's true of your incident
too."

Dr. Epstein replied, "Son, I doubt that's the case with my incident."

"Was it a long time ago?"

"Yes, many years."

The clerk asked, "Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?"
_____

Today's Stock Market Report

Helium was up, feathers were down. Paper was stationary.

Fluorescent tubing was dimmed in light trading. Knives were up sharply.

Cows steered into a bull market. Pencils lost a few points.

Hiking equipment was trailing.

Elevators rose, while escalators continued their slow decline.

Weights were up in heavy trading.

Light switches were off.

Mining equipment hit rock bottom. Diapers remain unchanged.

Shipping lines stayed at an even keel.

The market for raisins dried up.

Coca Cola fizzled.

Caterpillar stock inched up a bit.

Sun peaked at midday.

Balloon prices were inflated.

batteries exploded in an attempt to recharge the market...

And Scott Tissue touched a new bottom.

[uncltodd]

Addendum to "Tips for Travelling in the South":

Bubba says, "Y'ant a Coke?"

"Yeah, boy," says Booner.

"What kinda Coke y'ant?"

"Dr. Pepper."

(True story- UT was there)

[cobra de capell]

[cobra de capell]

Morris had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech corporation. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes....#1,#2,#3. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," the departing CEO said.

Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and Morris was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor."

Morris, the new CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the press -- and Wall Street -- responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the CEO quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company once again fell on difficult times. Morris went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope.

The message said, "Prepare three envelopes."
_____

Richard The Dragon Slayer

-------------------------

Once upon a time, and far, far away lived a beautiful Queen with voluptuous breasts. Richard the Dragon slayer knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them.

One day Richard revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, who was the King's chief doctor. Horatio the Physician, exclaimed that he could arrange for Richard the Dragon Slayer to satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1,000 gold coins to arrange it.

Without pause, Richard the Dragon Slayer readily agreed to the scheme. The next day, Horatio the Physician made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's brassiere while she bathed.

Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio the Physician informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Richard the Dragon Slayer would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King quickly summoned Richard the Dragon Slayer. Horatio the Physician then slipped Richard the Dragon Slayer the antidote for the itching powder, which he quickly put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Richard worked passionately on the Queen's voluptuous and magnificent breasts.

The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Richard the Dragon Slayer left satisfied and touted as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Richard the Dragon Slayer found Horatio the Physician demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Richard the Dragon Slayer couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio the Physician could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh just told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio the Physician slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear. The King immediately summoned Richard the Dragon Slayer...
_____

A man and a woman were driving down the road, arguing about his deplorable infidelity when suddenly the woman reached over and sliced the man's penis off. Angrily, she tossed it out the car window.
Driving behind the couple was a man and his 6-year-old daughter. The little girl was chatting away at her father when all of a sudden the penis smacked their car windshield, stuck for a moment, then flew off.
Surprised, the daughter asked her father, 'Daddy, what the heck was that?'
Shocked, but not wanting to expose his little girl to anything sexual at such a young age, the father replied, 'It....it was only a bug, Honey.'
The daughter sat with a confused look on her face, and after a moment said..

'Sure had a big dick, didn't it?'

[cobra de capell]

In South Sydney, a fire destroyed a four story block of flats.

A Polynesian family of six con artists lived on the first floor, and
all six died in the fire.

An Islamic group of seven Pakistani welfare cheats, all illegally in
the country, lived on the second floor, and they, too, all perished in
the fire.

Six Maori, ex-cons lived on the 3rd floor and they too, died.

Four Aboriginal families in the 2 flats on the 4th floor also perished.

One white couple lived on the top floor. The couple survived the fire.

Relatives of the deceased and local do-gooders were furious. They flew
into Sydney and quickly demanded a meeting with the fire chief. On
camera, they loudly demanded to know why the Islanders, Muslims, Maoris
and Aboriginals all died in the fire and only the white couple lived.

The fire chief quietly replied,




"Simple - they were both at work."

[cobra de capell]

OK, I fixed it.....

http://kezfool.bravehost.com/fixed.htm

Why cell phones have cameras....

http://www.flickr.com/photos/jobimfa...7621974002394/

[cobra de capell]

WHY I LIKE RETIREMENT



And They Ask Why I Like Retirement !!!

Question: How many days in a week?
Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday

Question: When is a retiree's bedtime?
Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb?
Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.

Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees?
Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.

Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors?
Answer: The term comes with a 10% discount.

Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire?
Answer: Tied shoes.

Question: Why do retirees count pennies?
Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.

Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire?
Answer: NUTS!

Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage?
Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

Question: What do retirees call a long lunch?
Answer: Normal .

Question: What is the best way to describe retirement?
Answer: The never ending Coffee Break.

Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree?
Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.



Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

QUESTION: What do you do all week?
Answer: Monday through Friday, NOTHING..... Saturday & Sunday, I rest.
_____

(Washington, D.C. - 8/8/09) "It's amazing to me the millions of American who firmly believe the citizens of the United States are still represented by Congress. In case they haven't noticed, there is a reason Democratic Party Czars are being appointed by the President to oversee many programs that used to fall under Congress control", a top Democrat said today.

"The czars have no one to report to besides the President, they don't have to face constituents, they have complete control of the areas they are specializing in and have the ability to do what they want regardless the demands of Americans whose biggest decision should be Fixodent or Polygrip."

"We know this is an exercise in futility for them, that regardless what they want or how much they protest at these town hall meetings, we're going to give them an insurance program that will cost a lot of money we don't have, but at this point it's irrelevant. Giving them opportunity to vent gives Washington a reference point for sentiment but that's the point. Let them think they're going to made a difference when in fact nothing could be further from the truth. We realize we're going to be dead and gone when the bill comes due so it's our "feel good" moment in history."

"Besides, when the elections come around, we know for a fact millions will automatically vote for whoever has a D after their name regardless of their stand on this minor insurance flap."

"In a nutshell, we're keeping everyones attention focused on the left hand and no one is noticing what the right hand is doing. It's a perfect storm of opportunity."

Developing..
_____

Dorothy and Edna, two 'senior' widows, are talking.

Dorothy: 'That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.'

Edna: 'Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers!

Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car...A limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all.

Then he takes me out for dinner... A marvelous dinner... Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.Then we go see a show. Let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!

So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL.

Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me two times!'

Dorothy: 'Goodness gracious!... So you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?'

Edna: 'No, no, no... I'm just saying, wear an old dress.'
_____

Solve this puzzle...http://averagjoe.com/DCXC.html

[cobra de capell]

[Dan40]

Originally Posted by cobra de capell

Its not nice to put Hillary's head on Michelle's body.

[cobra de capell]

You do have a point.......

I know, I know - now, Big Foot is going to get upset....

[cobra de capell]

A professor at a junior college in KY was lecturing on the supernatural. He asked how many believed in ghosts. 90 students raised their hands. "Wonderful!" the prof exclaimed. "Out of you 90 believers, how many have seen a ghost. 50 hands dropped. "Thank you. Okay, you 40 still left, who's ever talked to a ghost?" 15 claimed to have done this.

"Now it's going to get tougher," smiled the professor. "How many of you 15 have ever touched a ghost?" 12 hands dropped. "Fantastic! I only have one question left. Be totally honest: have any of you last 3 ever had sexual intercourse with a ghost?"

In the last row, Bobby Joe's hand was still up. "In all the years of giving this lecture, Mr. Clark, no one has claimed they made love to a ghost. I'd be honored if you would approach the podium and describe your experience for the class."

There were expectant giggles and whispers. Bobby Joe adjusted his bibs and came confidently to the front of the room. "Class, this is Bobby Joe Clark. Mr. Clark, without being too graphic, what was it like having sex with a ghost?"

Bobby Joe's jaw dropped. "Ghost??? Aw, hell! I could'n hear y'all very good in the last row. My bad. I thought ya said "goats."
____

Take a look at this nutter who invaded a couple's holiday snap.
It was supposed to be an isolated beauty spot in the Canadian lakes - but a stranger still managed to creep into the shot.

The cheeky squirrel jumped into Melissa Brandts and her husband's picture when they had set the timer on their camera.



_____

A man gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen cooking.

He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in frying pan..

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."

[cobra de capell]

How many Club Cobra members does it take to screw in a light bulb?


1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed

4 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently

7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs

5 to flame the spell checkers

6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ... another 6 to condemn those 6 as stupid

2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"

5 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct

6 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what supermarkets are offering discounts on brands of light bulbs, and what customer service they expect in a lightbulb shop

7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs

4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's

5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy

4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"

1 lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.


1 old-timer to say, GOOD JOB!

[cobra de capell]

Last week I was out of town and when I checked into my hotel I was a bit lonely. I thought, I'll call one of those girls you see advertised in phone books like escorts and such. I picked up the phone book and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs..... well, you get the picture!

I figured, what the heck, give her a call. "Hello," the woman says . God, she sounded sexy.

Afraid I would lose my nerve if I hesitated I rushed right in. "Hi, I hear you give a great massage and Id like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything! Now, how does that sound?"









"That sounds fantastic," she says, "but you need to press 9 for an outside line."
_____

A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function
where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the
opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a
question with which he was most at ease.

'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a
mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'

'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which
anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that
puts you on the track.'

'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the
world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You
wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess,
I don't know much about history.'

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR COMPANY HAS CHANGED TO THE GOVERNMENT'S VERY
INEXPENSIVE HEALTH CARE PLAN:


(10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.
(9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you
enter the trailer park."
(8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.
(7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
(6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a
day..."
(5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to
Goodwill last month.
(4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not
a typographical error.
(3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."
(2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.
AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED THE GOVERNMENT'S VERY CHEAP HEALTH
CARE PLAN:
(1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct Tape.