Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Old 'Burma Shave' Roadway Signs!

DON'T STICK YOUR ELBOW OUT SO FAR
IT MAY GO HOME IN ANOTHER CAR. Burma Shave

TRAINS DON'T WANDER ALL OVER THE MAP
'CAUSE NOBODY SITS IN THE ENGINEER'S LAP Burma Shave

SHE KISSED THE HAIRBRUSH BY MISTAKE
SHE THOUGHT IT WAS HER HUSBAND JAKE Burma Shave

DON'T LOSE YOUR HEAD TO GAIN A MINUTE
YOU NEED YOUR HEAD YOUR BRAINS ARE IN IT Burma Shave

DROVE TOO LONG DRIVER SNOOZING
WHAT HAPPENED NEXT IS NOT AMUSING Burma Shave

BROTHER SPEEDER LET'S REHEARSE
ALL TOGETHER GOOD MORNING, NURSE Burma Shave

CAUTIOUS RIDER TO HER RECKLESS DEAR
LET'S HAVE LESS BULL AND A LITTLE MORE STEER Burma Shave

SPEED WAS HIGH WEATHER WAS NOT
TIRES WERE THIN X MARKS THE SPOT Burma Shave

THE MIDNIGHT RIDE OF PAUL FOR BEER
LED TO A WARMER HEMISPHERE Burma Shave

AROUND THE CURVE LICKETY-SPLIT
BEAUTIFUL CAR WASN'T IT? Burma Shave

NO MATTER THE PRICE NO MATTER HOW NEW
THE BEST SAFETY DEVICE IN THE CAR IS YOU Burma Shave

A GUY WHO DRIVES A CAR WIDE OPEN
IS NOT THINKIN' HE'S JUST HOPIN' Burma Shave

AT INTERSECTIONS LOOK EACH WAY
A HARP SOUNDS NICE BUT IT'S HARD TO PLAY Burma Shave

BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL EYES ON THE ROAD
THAT'S THE SKILLFUL DRIVER'S CODE Burma Shave

THE ONE WHO DRIVES WHEN HE'S BEEN DRINKING
DEPENDS ON YOU TO DO HIS THINKING Burma Shave

CAR IN DITCH DRIVER IN TREE
THE MOON WAS FULL AND SO WAS HE. Burma Shave

PASSING SCHOOL ZONE TAKE IT SLOW
LET OUR LITTLE SHAVERS GROW Burma Shave

[cobra de capell]

Mental test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug." Do you want a room with or without a view?
_____

A married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

[cobra de capell]

The main cause of traffic accidents.......







Threat Levels


The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats in Islamabad and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to Peeved."
Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability.

It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And at a local level... New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the
airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "Shut, I hope Austrulia will come end riscue us". In the event of invasion, New Zealanders will be asked to gather together in a strategic defensive position called "Bondi".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain, "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". There has not been a situation yet that has warranted the use of the final escalation level.
_____

A new widow requested the epitaph "Rest in Peace" for her husband's tombstone. When she later found he had left his fortune to his mistress, she attempted to get the engraver to change the carving.

This was impossible; the words were chiseled and could not be changed.

"In that case," she said, "please add 'Till We Meet Again.'"
_____

One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.

The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both three wishes. Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said, "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female."

For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.

It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all the bears in the next forest were female as well."

The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle.

For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female."

The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish that the bear was gay."

[FWB]

nice!.............been that way for a while it seems

[cobra de capell]

A guy was driving through an intersection when a traffic camera flashed.
He thought his picture had just been taken for exceeding the speed
limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.
Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot
again, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.
He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he
drove past the area another time, but the traffic camera flashed yet
again.
He even tried this a fourth time with the exact same result. The fifth
time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a
snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic citations in the mail for driving
without a seat belt.
_____

SPECIAL MESSAGE TO MEMBERS - PLEASE SELL YOUR COBRA IF THIS HAPPENS TO YOU.......http://menwholooklikeoldlesbians.blogspot.com/

Thanks, Management.
_____

A guy orders a beer.

The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.

It hits the blond woman's boobs and splashes all over them.

The bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.

Each time the guy calls for another beer this happens.

So after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out.

The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!

He is laying on the floor moaning, 'Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?'

'Duh,' says the blond, 'He has a licker license.

[cobra de capell]

The Rabbi"s Hat

One very windy day, a rabbi was on his way to the temple. Suddenly a strong gust of wind blew his streimel (fur hat) off his head. The rabbi ran after his hat but the wind was so strong it kept blowing his hat farther and farther away.. He just couldn"t catch up with it.

A young gentile man, witnessing this event and being more fit than the rabbi, ran after the hat and caught it. The young gentile man handed the hat over to the rabbi. The rabbi was so pleased and grateful that he gave the man twenty dollars, put his hand on the man"s head and blessed him. The young man was very excited about both the tip and the blessing.

The young gentile decided to take his new found wealth to the racetrack. He bet the entire $20 on the first race that he could. After the races the young man returned home and recounted his very exciting day at the races to his father. "I arrived at the fifth race," said the young man."I looked at the racing program and saw a horse by the name of " Top Hat" was running. The odds on this horse were 100-to-1. It was the longest shot in the field."

After saving the rabbi"s hat, having received the rabbi"s blessing, gotten the $20, and seeing " Top Hat" in the fifth race, I thought this was a message from God. So, I bet the entire 20 dollars on Top Hat." "An amazing thing happened. The horse that was the longest shot and who did not have the slightest chance to even show, came, in first by 5 lengths."

"You must have made a fortune," said the father.

"Well yes, $2000. But wait, it gets better," replied the son. "In the following race, I looked at the program. A horse by the name of "Stetson" was running. The odds on the horse were 30 to 1". Stetson being some kind of hat and again thinking of the rabbi"s blessing and his hat, I decided to bet all my winnings on this horse."

"What happened?" asked the excited father. "Stetson came in like a rocket. Now I had $60,000!" "Are you telling me you brought home all this money?" asked his excited father. "No," said the son. "I lost it all on the next race. There was a horse in this race named "Chateau," which is French for hat. So I decided to bet all the money on Chateau. But the horse broke down and came in last."

"Hat in French is "Chapeau" not "Chateau" you moron," said the father. "You lost all of the money because of your ignorance. Tell me, what horse won the race?"

The son answered, "A long shot from Japan named 'Yarmalka'"
_____

Two medical students were walking down the street and saw an old man walking with his legs apart.

He was stiff legged and walking slowly.

One of the students said to his friend, 'I'm sure the poor old man has Petry Syndrome. Those people
walk just like that.'

The other student said, 'No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly
and his legs are apart just as we learned in class.'

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, 'We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you have. Could you tell us what it is?'

The old man said, 'I'll tell you, but first you must tell me what you two fine medical students think.'

One of the students said, 'I think it's Petry Syndrome.'
The old man said, 'You thought.... but you are wrong.'

Then the other student said, 'I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome.'

The old man said, 'You are both wrong.'
They asked him, 'Well, old timer, what do you have?'

The old man said, 'I thought it was GAS......., but I was wrong too.'
_____

President Obama was looking for a call girl.

He found three such girls, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, 'I am the President of The United States.
Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?'
She replied, $200.

To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was $100.

He then asked the redhead.
Her reply was, 'Mr. President, if you can get my skirt up as high as my
taxes, my panties as low as my wages, get that thing of yours as hard as
the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of energy and
screw me the way you have the Country, then it isn't going to cost you a bloody cent!'
_____

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year the Wong’s have a new baby.

The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?



Sum Ting Wong

[cobra de capell]

Created or Saved

I’ve been a bit skeptical on how Obama keeps saying he’s “created or saved” different numbers of jobs, but the media seems credulous so I guess “created or saved” is a perfectly fine formulation. Thus we might as well apply the phrase to lots of different things.

* I decided not to be bloodthirsty against common nuisances today and created or saved three squirrels.

* By not going to McDonalds, I created or saved two cheeseburgers and a large fry.

* Deciding against serial killing, i created or saved upwards of 33 people (I’m very smart and would not be easily caught).

* By proper use of braking on the way to work, I created or saved twelve automobiles.

* If Sotomayor were a little more careful, she could have created or saved one ankle.

* Cheney’s waterboarding terrorists created or saved thousands of Americans.

* By being a good dog, Rowdi created or saved the cat food.

* In the beginning, God created or saved the heavens and the earth.

* I slowed down in the school zone, creating or saving three children.

* Batman created or saved one city.

* By controlling my anger, I created or saved your face.

By not watching 0bama speak in Cairo, I saved one TV set from destruction.

* By not going fishing today, I saved 30 shrimp (bait) and Lord knows how many fish.

* By skipping lunch, I saved one hamburger for someone hungrier than me.

If only Bush had thought of the phrase. Then when people kept throwing out numbers of how many civilians were killed in Iraq he could respond with the number of Iraqis he created or saved.

[Dan40]

If only Bush had thought of the phrase. Then when people kept throwing out numbers of how many civilians were killed in Iraq he could respond with the number of Iraqis he created or saved.

That reminded me.
One day Cheney comes in the oval office and tells Pres Bush. "The report from Iraq today says we had 3 Brazilians got killed." Bush breaks into tears, sobbing uncontrollably for a while. Finally he regains some composure. "That is horrible news, the worst I've ever heard!" "I forget, how many is a brazillion?"

[cobra de capell]

Public Safety Message.....

The first testicular guard "Jock strap & Cup" was used in Hockey in 1874
and the first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important?
_____

Looking for a dream job?

http://averagjoe.com/clips/massaggiatore.wmv

[cobra de capell]

The sheriff of a small town was also the town’s veterinarian.

One night the phone rang, and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?”

“Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?” the wife asked.

“Both!” was the reply. “We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar in it.”
_____

What’s got four legs and one arm?

A happy pit bull.
_____

[cobra de capell]

An American, a Japanese and a Canadian were sitting naked in a sauna when suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his forearm, and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. “That was my pager he said. “I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.”

A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained “That was my mobile phone, I have a microchip in my hand.”

The Canadian felt decidedly low-tech, but not to be outdone, he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the toilet. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his butt. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Canadian finally said “Well, will you look at that! I’m getting a fax.”
_____

Most people assume there's a motion sensor in the auto-flush doodads that are becoming so prevalent in public crappers. Nope. There's actually a little camera in there that is connected to the local offices of the Automated Servo Sequencers for a Healthier Overall Lifestyle and Everyday Satisfaction (ASSHOLES), a branch of the taxpayer-funded Idealistic Groupies for the National Office for Retrofitting America’s Nonstandard Toilets (IGNORANT). There's someone in the IGNORANT ASSHOLES office watching your butt on a 52" 1080p Hi-Def video monitor. When you finish your business, they are supposed to push a button which causes the head to flush.

These IGNORANT ASSHOLES work a 3-hour per day shift with two 30-minute breaks and an hour and a half for lunch. They are also on a 3-day work week and get 24 weeks of paid vacation plus 18 weeks of sick leave each year. IGNORANT ASSHOLES are paid by the number of times they push their buttons, so many just continually push without regard to actual need. Inappropriate use of equipment by taxpayer-funded personnel without regard to actual need is known as Better Service (BS) by IGNORANT ASSHOLES.

Most IGNORANT ASSHOLES think their working conditions are in violation of the Federal Legislation Upcoming in the Senate and House (FLUSH), so the bill has been tabled and is being rewritten. As a result, the general public is often splattered because of uncontrolled BS and the lack of a good FLUSH.

IGNORANT ASSHOLES claim to be so overworked the Colossal Omnibus Non-worker Gratification by Redistributing Everyoneelse's Salary Service (CONGRESS) and President Barack Obama (BO) were notified. CONGRESS and BO heavily courted IGNORANT ASSHOLES in the last election by offering an increase in benefits and an exemption from doing any work whatsoever. It is well known that CONGRESS and BO will bail out IGNORANT ASSHOLES by implementing a new BS tax.

It has never been reported by the Crapper Benevolence Society (CBS) or any of the other No Evidence Wanted or Solicited (NEWS) outlets, but CONGRESS and BO relied heavily on IGNORANT ASSHOLES and BS to get elected.
_____

The Queen and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Madame Speaker and The Queen, however, have seen it all before. To make it a little more interesting, Madame Speaker says to the Queen, "Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every democrat in the crowd go wild?"

She doubts it, so she shows her. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd.. Gradually, the cheering subsides.

The Queen, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what she could do..

"That was impressive, the Queen says, "But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd go crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice." < br> The speaker seriously doubts this, and says so. "One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me."

So the Queen slapped her.
_____

A Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl, leaning into the lion’s cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage, and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A New York Times reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter says, “Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I’ve ever seen a man do in my whole life.”

The biker replies, “Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”

The reporter says, “Well, I’m a journalist from the New York Times, and tomorrow’s paper will have this story on the front page...So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies, “I’m a U.S. Marine and a Republican.”

The following morning the biker buys The New York Times to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on front page:

“U.S. MARINE ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH”
_____

[twobjshelbys]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were
amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny,
silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never
seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old
lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers
above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the
numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond
stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his
son.....

'Go get your Mother.

[cobra de capell]

What me Worry?

[cobra de capell]

The first day of school and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanjan entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.

"Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth'?"

Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863," said Chandrasekhar.

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do."

She heard a loud whisper: "F**k the Indians."

"Who said that?" she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. "General Custer, 1862."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared around and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Chandrasekhar said, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Chandrasekhar jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouted to the teacher, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, "You little sh%t. If you say anything else, I'll kill you."

Chandrasekhar frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Michael Jackson, to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004."

The teacher fainted.

And as the class gathered around the teacher slumped on the floor, someone said, "Oh sh%t, we're screwed!"

And Chandrasekhar said quietly, "I think it was the American taxpayers, during the 2009 bailouts."
_____

[cobra de capell]

Old Jews Telling Jokes


A Frenchman, a German and a Jew walk into a bar.


"I'm tired and thirsty," says the Frenchman. "I must have wine."
"I'm tired and thirsty," says the German. "I must have beer."
"I'm tired and thirsty," says the Jew. "I must have diabetes."
_____

A Jewish mother gives her son two shirts for his birthday.

The next morning, he comes down to breakfast wearing one of them.

“I knew it!” she moans. “You didn’t like the other one.”
_____

A manager brings a dog into a night club to perform. The dog is a brilliant piano player---Bach, Beethoven, the works. He's sitting at the piano playing and all of a sudden a big bushy-haired dog comes in and yanks him off the stool and starts dragging him to the door. The owner, horrified, runs to the dog's manager and screams, "Hey, what's goin' on?"
The managers says, "Ah, they want him to be a doctor."
_____

Jake has just returned home for lunch with his wife and two children from the local Catholic parish church where he has been taking instructions to convert from Judaism to Catholicism.

Today was the day of his baptism, so he was now a committed Catholic.

Lunch had barely begun when his wife said, “Jake, we’ve been married for 22 years now and you’ve never given me money to buy decent clothes. Now that you’re a Catholic give me $100.

Jake gave her the $100 and she dashed out the door.

Daughter Rachael then said, “Dad you’ve never even given me an allowance. Now that you’re a Catholic I want $50 to spend on whatever I want.”

Jake gave Rachael the $50 and she then dropped her fork and ran out the door.

That left Jake and his 17-year-old son.

“Dad, I have never had a decent date where I could spend a few bucks and now that you’re a Catholic how about giving me $50 so I can show my girl friend a good time.”

Jake gave his son, Joel, $50 and watched as Joel ran from the table and out the door.

Jake sat there a few minutes, all by himself, and glanced at his watch.

“I’ve been a Catholic for less than an hour and already these damned jews have taken me for 200 bucks!”
_____

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, “Can I park here?” “No” says the cop. “What about all these other cars?” “They didn’t ask!”

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They’re worth it.

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

Why don’t Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

I asked a Jewish man, “Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?” He said, “Yes”, and walked away.

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, “Are you comfortable?” The man says, “I make a good living.”

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, “Do you see what’s going on in Poland?” The other says, “I live in the back, I don’t see anything.”
_____

A man can’t find a lawyer. He picks up the Yellow Pages and he sees the firm of Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz & Schwartz. Calls them up and says, “Is Mr. Schwartz in?”
“No he’s out playing golf.”
“Well, is Mr. Schwartz in?”
“No, he left the firm.”
“Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz.”
“He is in Detroit and will not be back until next week.”
Ok, how about Mr. Schwartz, then?”
“Speaking.”
_____

The convict was about to go to the electric chair. He called his lawyer for advice. the lawyer says, “Don’t sit down.”

The food on the plane was fit for a king. “Here, King.”

A panhandler says to me, “Mister, I haven’t tasted food for a week.”
I said, “Don’t worry, it still tastes the same.”

My father was never home; He was always away drinking booze. He saw a a sign saying, “Drink Canada Dry”; so he went up there.

My mother was 88 years old, she never used glasses. Drank right out of the bottle.
______


Moishe, the Tailor, finds out his best friend has been bedding his wife.

He spots the guy the next day, and infuriated, grabs him by the lapels and start yelling at him: “You BUM!, You RAT!, say, you call this a lapel?”
______


Morris and Abe are walking down the street and pass a church with a sign outside that says, “$1000 to any Jew who converts.” Morris says, “Abe, do you think they’ll really pay it?”

Abe says, “you wait out here. I’ll go in, tell them I want to convert, and I’ll see if they pay me.”

Morris waits outside. And waits. And waits. Finally, two hours later, Abe comes out. Morris asks, “Abe, did they pay you $1000?”

Abe says, “you Jews! All you ever think about is money!”
______

Two Jewish tailors who were talking and one says that he just came back from a trip to Rome where he saw the Pope.

The other one says: "What kind of man was he?"

"42 long".
_____

Sayings of the Jewish Buddhist

If there is no self, whose arthritis is this?

Be here now. Be someplace else later. Is that so complicated?

Drink tea and nourish life; with the first sip, joy; with the second sip, satisfaction; with the third sip, peace; with the fourth, a Danish.

Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

Accept misfortune as a blessing. Do not wish for perfect health, or a life without problems. What would you talk about?

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single Oy.

There is no escaping karma. In a previous life, you never called, you never wrote, you never visited. And whose fault was that?

Zen is not easy. It takes effort to attain nothingness. And then what do you have? Bupkis.

The Tao does not speak. The Tao does not blame. The Tao does not take sides. The Tao has no expectations. The Tao demands nothing of others. The Tao is not Jewish.

Breathe in. Breathe out. Breathe in. Breathe out. Forget this and attaining Enlightenment will be the least of your problems.

Let your mind be as a floating cloud. Let your stillness be as a wooded glen. And sit up straight. You’ll never meet the Buddha with such rounded shoulders.

Deep inside you are ten thousand flowers. Each flower blossoms ten thousand times. Each blossom has ten thousand petals.*(You might want to see a specialist.)

The Torah says, Love your neighbor as yourself.
The Buddha says, “There is no self.” So, maybe we’re off the hook.

Who/What is That?

A few years ago, Joseph was finally given an exit permit by the Russians and allowed to emigrate to Israel to join his family. He was told that he could only take what he could pack into one suitcase. At Moscow airport he was stopped by an enormous Customs officer who glared at him and snarled "Open the case!"

Joseph opened the case and the Russian rummaged through the meagre belongings and pulled out a large bundle wrapped in old copies of Pravda. He unwrapped it to reveal a bust of Stalin. "What is that"
snarled the customs officer.

"What is that?" said Joseph timidly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?', You should ask 'Who is that?'. That is our glorious leader Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the wonderful things that he did and the marvellous life that I am leaving behind."

"I always knew that you Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"

A few hours later Joseph arrived at Ben Gurion airport and was confronted by an Israeli customs officer. "Shalom, Welcome to Israel. Open the case!"

Once again Joseph's belongings were examined and the customs officer came upon the bust. "What is that" said the customs officer.

"What is that?" said Joseph indignantly. "You shouldn't ask 'What is that?', You should ask 'Who is that?'. That is that bastard, Stalin. I'm taking it to my new home to remind me of all the misery and suffering that he caused me for most of my life. I want to spit on it every day for the rest of my life."

"I always knew that you Russian Jews were mad!" said the official, tossing the bust into the case. "Go!"

At last Joseph arrived in his new home and eventually got round to unpacking watched by his young nephew. He took out his few clothes and
then carefully unwrapped the bust of Stalin and put it on the table. "Who is that?" asked his nephew.

"Who is that?" said Joseph with a smile. "You shouldn't ask 'Who is that?', You should ask 'What is that?'. That is five kilos of gold"

[cobra de capell]

DEFINITION OF CHUTZPAH

A little old Jewish lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each. Every day a young man would leave his office building at lunchtime, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter, but never take a pretzel. And this went on for more then 3 years.

The two of them never spoke.

One day, as the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual, the pretzellady spoke to him. "Sir, I appreciate your business. You are a good customer, but I have to tell you that the pretzel price has gone up to 35 cents."
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An interesting analysis...

The math on the Paul McCartney-Heather Mills divorce is as follows:

After 5 years of marriage, he paid her $49 million. Assuming he got sex every night during their 5 year relationship, it ended up costing him $26,849 per time.

On the other hand, New York Governor Elliot Spitzer 's hooker, Kristen, an absolute stunner with a body like no other, charges $4,000 an hour. For anything!

Had Paul McCartney "employed" Kristen for 5 years, he would have paid $7.3 million for an hour of sex every night for 5 years. (a $41.7 million savings).

Value-added benefits are: a 22 year old hot babe, no begging, no coaxing, never a headache, plays all requests, no *****ing and complaining or 'honey-do' lists. Best of all, she leaves when you're done, and comes back when asked. All at 1/7th the cost, and no legal fees.

Sometimes leasing just makes more sense.
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C-130 vs. F-16

A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.

The jet jockey decided to show off.

The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, 'watch this!' and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb. He then finished
with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier.

The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?

The C-130 pilot said, 'That was impressive, but watch this!'

The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: 'What did you think of that?'

Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, 'What the heck did you do?'

The C-130 pilot chuckled, 'I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, went to the bathroom, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon bun.'

When you are young & foolish - speed & flash may seem a good thing !!!

When you get older & smarter - comfort & dull is not such a bad thing !!!
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The lawn mower experience



We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago,
I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city.
To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and
ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26
miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet
into the ground. The ground rod is the key - the more you have in the
ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big
wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard.
I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around
the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand
and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger
is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside
down cow, on fire, on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ.

Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in
less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where
time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just
crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in
reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block
Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those piece of **** chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.
2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).
3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.
4- My left eye will not open.
5- My right eye will not close.
6- The lawnmower runs like a sum***** now. Seriously! I think our little
session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was
better than new after that.
7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long. 8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over - which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

[cobra de capell]

Just a thought.

Did you ever think that President Obama signed his stimulus package at the same desk where President Clinton got his package stimulated?
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A man was sunbathing naked at the beach.

For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his private parts.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you were better lookin', it would lift itself."
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Spring Classes for Women at THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED by Friday, May 29, 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM.


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or *****ing About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wall-Mart Without Stopping?
Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering To Take a List To The Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.
_____

I wonder if they come in different colors?
I wonder about the fragrance?
I wonder if it would help to put those preservative packets in the water?
I wonder if they bloom?
I wonder whether they would look better on the kitchen table or in the entry?
I wonder if they're cheaper by the dozen?
I wonder if they come in long-stemmed?

Captured at 115th and Allisonville Rd, in Fishers, Indiana .
The sign is real and was up for two hours before someone stopped and told them how to spell PEONIES!!!!!

[cobra de capell]

Teenagers are better than Congress because. . .

1. Teens can be forced to take care of their own dirty laundry.

2. When caught in a lie, teens will admit it.

3. No one forces us to give teens more money to waste.

4. Most teens are smart enough to read something before they sign it.

5. Teens do not cuss as much when they think nobody else is listening.

6. It's easier to find out who teens are talking to on their cell phones.

7. When we get tired of hearing it, teens can be sent to their rooms.

8. Everyone understands teens need supervision when they handle weapons.

9. Teens only think they know better, Congress is convinced they do.

10. Teens grow up.
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In honor of Obama's big game kill the other day heard and seen 'round the world, Barry had the white house taxidermist do some handiwork on the offending Tabanus americanus and pulled out an Old Truman Wolverine Head from the white house basement to give the former China Room a new look

[FWB]

i like it...............

[cobra de capell]

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him.

The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money.

All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife s soul, your children s souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners."

The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what s the catch?"
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If you receive an Email from the Department of Health telling you not to eat canned pork because of swine flu, ignore it.

It’s just Spam.
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