Jokes

[bliss]

Pilot philosophy

A check ride ought to be like a skirt.
Short enough to be interesting, but long enough to cover everything.

Speed is life. Altitude is life insurance.

It only takes two things to fly:
Airspeed and money.

The two most dangerous things in aviation:
1. A Doctor or Dentist in a Cessna.
2. Two captains in a DC-9.

Aircraft Identification:
If it's ugly, it's British.
If it's weird, it's French.
If it's ugly and weird, it's Russian.

Without ammunition, the U.S.A.F. would be just another, very expensive flying club.

The similarity between air traffic, controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies.
If ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

The difference between flight attendants and jet engines:
The engines usually quit whining when they get to the gate.

New FAA motto: 'We're not happy, till you're not happy.'
If Air Traffic Control screws up, it's called a "System Malfunction,"
If a pilot screws up it's called a "violation."

If something hasn't broken on your helicopter--it's about to.

I give that landing a 9 --- on the Richter scale.


Basic Flying Rules:
1. Try to stay in the middle of the air.
2. Do not go near the edges of it.
3. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space.
It is much more difficult to fly in the edges.

Unknown landing signal officer (LSO) to carrier pilot after his sixth unsuccessful landing attempt:
"You've got to land here son . . . this is where the food is."


The three best things in life are: A good landing, a good orgasm, and a good bowel movement. A night carrier landing is one of the few opportunities to experience all three at the same time.