Jokes

[bliss]

Upcoming New Apple Products

1. The iSuck, a robotic web-enabled robotic vacuuum cleaner with the ability to accept verbal commands. This thing will make a Dyson look like 19th Century technology and within a year Apple will be the #1 supplier of vacuum cleaners to the world.

2. The iScream, a web-enabled, voice activated home ice cream maker. Tell Siri what flavor you want and it appears within 30 seconds giveing you the best ice cream ever made. Apple's advertising slogan will be "iScream, you scream, we all scream for iScream".

3. The iFlush - Web enabled, voice activated toilet and communication device. You can drop a deuce and be part of a web conference at the same time. Naturally, each iFlush will have its own iPeeaddress.

4. The iFetch - A robotic dog with all the advantages of a bio-dog and none of the disadvantages. iFetch will, at a verbal command or on its own, fetch the paper, fetch your slippers, play fetch, go absolutely bonkers with joy when you come home, lick you face (but not its balls), chase away Jehovah's Witnesses and Mormons. iFetch will not take a dump or a pee on the rug, shred your furniture or need a bath or grooming.

5. The iMaxiPad - The most versatile iPad of all. Not only is it a tablet computer, but it is also extremely absorbent and can be used in those situations requiring the utmost in absorbency.

[bliss]

Another Famous American converts to Islam...

It is becoming a very scary world out there.
Another Famous American converts to Islam...
It was announced today that Buckwheat Of Our Gang (1950s) fame, Has converted To
The Muslim faith and changed his name to:
Kareem of Wheat...
I just hope he doesn't become a cereal killer!
_____

You know you're a redneck when . . .

01. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
02. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
03. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
04. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
05. You think 'The Nutcracker' is a vice on the work bench
06. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
07. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
08. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
09. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has 'ammo' on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean?
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

[bliss]

After the Honeymoon

A couple returns from their honeymoon refusing to speak to each other. The groom's best friend takes him aside and asks what's wrong.

"Well," replies the man, "when we finished making love on the first night, I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, you shouldn't worry about that too much," says his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years."

"That's not the problem, " the groom says. "She gave me $20 change!"