Jokes

[Buzz]

Lol - great stuff - including all the posts before this one - keep them coming. You can tell by the horizontal tail fins in this vid though, that these are porpoises, not sharks. A buddy of mine saw a shark silhouetted in a large wave once while spearfishing. Definitely got his attention!

[Ibr8k4vetts]

Originally Posted by Buzz

Lol - great stuff - including all the posts before this one - keep them coming. You can tell by the horizontal tail fins in this vid though, that these are porpoises, not sharks. A buddy of mine saw a shark silhouetted in a large wave once while spearfishing. Definitely got his attention!

Yep Porpoises, See them all the time here at the Rincon in Ca.

[bliss]

After both suffering from depression for a while me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday.

But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Screw it, soldier on!”
_____

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!

I panicked. I did not know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
_____

[bliss]

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.

The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman “Pardon me, ma’am, but I think your husband just slid under the table.”

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, “No, he didn’t. He just walked in the door.”
_____

Safety first.

Just kidding, coffee first.

Safety's like third or fourth.
_____

[bliss]

[bliss]

Husband: Why are there broken condoms on our couch?

Wife: Would you please call our children by their real names.

Bonus......

Why is the camel called the ship of the desert?

Because its full of Arab semen.

Also...

A man walks into a bar and tells the bartender: "Twenty shots of your finest tequila, please."
The bartender is surprised, but obliges. The man then goes down the line, taking shot after shot, back to back. The bartender is amazed!
"Wow! I've never seen anyone drink like that before!" says the bartender
The man says: "Yeah, well, when you have what I have, you'd drink like that too"
"Well, what do you have?"
"A dollar."

[bliss]

Trust no one.....




Billy Mays is in heaven now...

....partying like it's $19.99.
______



Who said that health care in Canada was not up to par???
A Muslim immigrant in Toronto goes to the doctor and says "I feel terrible."
The doctor examines him and then says:
"You need to pee and put your bowel movements in a bucket for a week, then throw in a dead fish and some rotten cabbage.
Put a towel over your head and inhale the vapors for three days."
The Muslim does this and goes back to the doctor 3 days later and says "I feel wonderful! what was wrong with me?"
The doctor replied, "You were homesick."

[bliss]

I've been married to my wife ten years today.

Having sex with just one person in ten years is pure dedication.

I don't know how she does it.
_____

My wife asked me to bring home some stuff for the pancakes yesterday...

She wasn't happy when I came back with a push up bra.
_____

[bliss]

I've met a lot of people who mistake their imagination for memory.
_____

My neighbor told me she doesn't care what people think about her. So I told her I think about her naked. Turns out she's a hypocrite.
_____

Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
_____

Only the mediocre are always at their best.
_____

A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
_____

Most women are sex objects, try asking for sex and they'll object.
_____

Two guys camping in the woods and one is bitten on the penis by a snake.

“I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says.

He runs 10 miles to a small town and finds the only doctor for miles helping a woman deliver a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here's what you do. Take a knife, cut a huge X where the bite is, suck out the poison, and spit it on the ground.”

The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agonizing pain. “What did the doctor say?” the victim asks. The friend said, “He says you’re going to die.”

[NewYorkGuy]

[ame]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4zX1jUbdTIs[/ame]

[bliss]

I just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.


I'll let you know
_____

A. I was thinking about how the status symbols of today is those
cell phones that everyone has clipped on. I can't afford one so I'm
wearing my garage door opener.

B. You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that
people didn't like me anyway.

C. I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing
husbands on beer cans!

D. I was thinking about old age and decided that it is when you
still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to
bounce it.

E. I thought about making a movie for folks my age and call it
"Pumping Rust"

F. I have gotten that dreaded furniture disease....that's when your
chest is falling into your drawers!

G. You know when people see a cat's litter box, they always say,
"Oh, have you got a cat?" Just once I wanted to say, "No, it's for
company!"

H. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny
spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Perhaps
toothpicks?

I. Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified
in case of an emergency. I think you should write . . . A Good
Doctor!

J. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do . . . write to these men? Why don't they
just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could
look for them while they delivered the mail?

K. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole
lot more as they get older then it dawned on me . . . they were
cramming for their finals.
_____

[ame="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xibtzwdXgfI"]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xibtzwdXgfI[/ame]

[bliss]

An eccentric billionaire wanted a mural painted on his library wall, so he called an artist.

Describing what he wanted, the billionaire said, "I am a history buff, and I would like your interpretation of the last thing that went through Custer's mind before he died. I am going out of town on business for a week, and when I return, I expect to see it completed."

Upon his return, the billionaire went to the library to examine the finished work. To his surprise, he found a painting of a cow with a halo. Surrounding this were hundreds of Indians in various sexual positions.

Furious, he called the artist in. "What the hell is this?" screamed the billionaire.

"Why, that's exactly what you asked for," said the artist smugly.

"No! I didn't ask for a mural of pornographic filth. I asked for an interpretation of Custer's last thoughts!"

"And there you have it," said the artist. "I call it, 'Holy cow, look at all those f*cking Indians.'"
______

[Mark IV]

Originally Posted by bliss

So you have never been to Buffalo.......some of us LIVE here!

[1795]

Originally Posted by Mark IV

So you have never been to Buffalo.......some of us LIVE here!

Rick,

Is that you? Hope that you were not in the worst of it.

[Mark IV]

Originally Posted by bliss

So you have never been to Buffalo.......some of us LIVE here!

https://www.facebook.com/buffalomoto...708755/?type=1


https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?f...3564496&type=1

https://www.facebook.com/news4buffal...115505/?type=1

http://www.syracuse.com/news/index.s...orm_chips.html

http://www.nbcnews.com/watch/nightly...w-360994372000

And making lemonade out of lemons...
https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?f...6132448&type=1

https://www.facebook.com/2onyourside...865359/?type=1

https://www.facebook.com/WBEERochest...201238/?type=1

[bliss]

Three bulls heard that the rancher was going to bring yet another bull onto the ranch, and the prospect raised a discussion among them.
First Bull: "Boys, we all know I've been here 5 years. Once we settled our differences, we agreed on which 100 of the cows would be mine. Now, I don't know where this newcomer is going to get his cows, but I aint' givin' him any of mine."

Second Bull: "That pretty much says it for me, too. I've been here 3 years and have earned my right to the 50 cows we've agreed are mine. I'll fight 'im till I run him off or kill 'im, but I'm keeping all my cows."

Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far you guys have only let me have 10 cows to take care of. I may not be as big as you fellows (yet) but I am young and virile, so I simply must keep all my cows."

They no sooner finished their big talk when an eighteen-wheeler pulls up in the middle of the pasture with only one animal in it: the biggest baddest bull these guys had ever seen! At 4700 pounds, each step he took toward the ground strained the steel ramp to the breaking point.

First Bull: "You know, it's actually been some time since I really felt I was doing all my cows justice, anyway. I think I can spare a few for our new friend."

Second Bull: "I'll have plenty of cows to take care of if I just stay on the opposite end of the pasture from him. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."

They look over at their young friend, the 3rd bull, and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns, and snorting.

First Bull: "Son, let me give you some advice real quick. Let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."

Third Bull: "Hell, he can have ALL MY COWS. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull!"
_____

This just in......



An MIT linguistics professor was lecturing his class...

“In English,” he said, “a double negative forms a positive. However, in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative remains a negative. … But there isn’t a single language, not one, in which a double positive can express a negative.” A voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

[bliss]

So you went out and spent $40k - 60k on a new 4-wheel drive truck and put big off-road tires on it so you could get to work out in the oilfields. You could have bought a 1920's era Dodge!

As this video demonstrates, our roads have come a long way in 94 years. One must wonder if many of our 4 wheel drive and ATV's could do as well as this old Dodge sedan did.

This is amazing old footage!

Watch to the end it really gets interesting as to how they coped.



[ame="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nq2jY1trxqg#t=132"]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nq2jY1trxqg#t=132[/ame]

[bliss]

True Friendship......




This guy brings his best golf mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade...

"My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren't done.

Can't you see I'm still in my f****** pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight!

Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."
_____

What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

I don't know and I don't care.
_____

[bliss]

Want to attract big ladies?




Things men do that upset women....

1. Lie.
2. Be honest.
3. Not talking to them.
4. Talking too much to them.
5. Not showing any emotions.
6. Being too emotional.
7. Breathing.
_____

When it comes to money, you can't win. If you pursue it, you're money hungry. If you keep it, you're a miser. If you spend it, you're irresponsible. If you don't get it, you're a failure. If you don't try to get it, you lack ambition. If you get it without working for it, you're a parasite. And if you accumulate it after a lifetime of hard work, people call you a fool who missed the meaning of life!

--Unknown--

[bliss]

Ironic......



Perfect Loop.....