Jokes

[bliss]

My sex life is like a Ferrari....






I don't have a Ferrari
_____

It's funny

When my wife gives me the "silent treatment"

She thinks it's punishment.
_____

If there was a way to read a woman's mind....

I'm not sure I would want to..

I hate shoes, shopping and gossip and I already know I'm annoying.
_____

MEN have feelings too...

For example.. we feel ... hungry
_____

I want one of those jobs

where people ask....
you really get paid for doing this...
_____

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her underwear drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.
_____

The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.
_____

Perks of being over 60

And heading towards 70 or beyond!

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run -- Anywhere.

4. People call at 9 PM (or 9 AM) and ask,'Did I wake you?'

5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat supper at 4 PM.

9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold Your stomach in no matter who walks Into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15. Your investment in health insurance Is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

[bliss]

Here's the deal...



Now, if it already happened... and you weren't aware of it... the rest of your life is pointless!

[bliss]

We've all experienced this....

*****y resting face

[bliss]

I have a little GPS

I've had it all my life

It’s better than the normal ones

My GPS is my wife

It gives me full instructions

Especially on how to drive

"It's thirty miles an hour", it says

"You're doing thirty five".

It tells me when to stop and start

And when to use the brakes

And tells me that it's never ever

Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red

And when it goes to green

It seems to know instinctively

Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front

And all those to the rear

And taking this into account

It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver

Has so helpful a device

For when we leave and lock the car

It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counseling

Each journey's pretty fraught

So why don't I exchange it

And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,

Makes sure I'm properly fed,

It washes all my shirts and things

And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages

And my tendency to scoff,

I do wish that once in a while

I could turn the damned thing off.
_____

Two examples, same outcome...





YIKES!

[bliss]

Let's jam up the NSA's scanners

IF MILLIONS OF US, ALL AT THE SAME EXACT TIME, CALL OR EMAIL SOMEONE WITH OUR KEYWORDS-OF-TERROR-FILLED SCRIPT, WE CAN GIVE OUR NATION’S IMPRESSIVE SURVEILLANCE APPARATUS THE KIND OF TEST IT DESERVES.

They say they don’t read or listen to the contents of our messages. Why not test it out?

It'll be fun.
_____

Here is a sample script:

Hey! How’s it going? I’m all right.

My job is so ****ty I wish I could overthrow my boss. It’s like this oppressive regime where only true believers in his management techniques will stay around. I work marathon-length hours and he’s made all these changes that have made it the worst architecture firm to work at in Manhattan. Like he moved the office to the Financial District and fired my assistant. She was the only one who knew where the blueprints were! I need access to those blueprints to complete my job! F my life, right? And he keeps trying to start all these new initiatives to boost revenue, but seriously we just need to stick to what we do best. There’s only one true profit center. I seriously feel ready to go on strike at any second.

I just read this article about how these free radical particles can cause the downfall of good health and accelerate aging. These could actually cause death to millions of Americans. If these particles are flying around undetected everywhere, does that mean we’re all radicalized?

Have you seen the second season of Breaking Bad? I just finished it. I couldn’t believe that episode where they poison the guy with ricin! That was the bomb! I won’t say any more because I don’t want to reveal the earth-shattering events to come.

Oh! So I’ve been planning a big trip for the summer. I’m thinking of visiting all of the most famous suspension bridges in the United States. So probably like the Golden Gate Bridge, The Brooklyn Bridge, and the Verrazano Narrows Bridge. I’m gonna bring my younger brother and I know he’ll want to go to bars, so I’m thinking of getting him a fake drivers license, but I hope that doesn’t blow up in my face.

Okay, I gotta run! I’m late for flight school. I missed the last class where we learn how to land, so I really can’t miss another one. Talk to you later!
_____

Troll the NSA

[bliss]

I’M A MAN WHO KNOWS HIS MATH

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who cut
right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the
shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his
window and gave the woman the finger.

“Man, that guy is stupid,” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely
and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in
traffic, and here’s why:

I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That’s 96 miles each day.

Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.

There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.

That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I
pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every
day.

Statistically, females drive half of these.

That’s 18,000 women drivers!

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.

That’s 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying
or unrewarding.

That’s 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide.

That’s 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.

That’s 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry
weapons and this number is increasing especially in California .
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that
has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously
considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Give her the finger?

I don’t think so.

[Ibr8k4vetts]