Jokes

[bliss]

Women:

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her
from the rat-race, you're a male chauvinist

If you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is
exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with
low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you're a wimp. If you don't, you're an
insensitive bastard.

If you thump her, it's wife bashing. If she thumps you,
it's self-defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a
chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you,
she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's
domination. If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear,
you're a pervert. If you don't, you're gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape,
you're sexist. If you don't, you're unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain.
If you don't, you're a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you're after something.
If you don't, you're not thoughtful.

If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself.
If you don't, you're not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she's tired.
If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you're oversexed.
If you don't, there must be someone else.


NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN! THEY WANT TO!!
_____

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball.
Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over
his head and passes the three women.
He passes the first woman, who looks down at his unit.
"He's not my husband," she says.
He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his member.
"He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit.
He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.
"Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."
______

Appropriate joke for this time of year...

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is
tossing a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they
walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and
the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat.

He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts
panicking, shouting and screaming for help. A middle-aged, fairly unnoticeable
man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his
newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, he looks
up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and
places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way
across the market.

Reaching the boy, the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and
squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently
and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand.
Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his
seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill-effects, the
father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him saying: "I've
never seen anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic! Are you a
doctor?"

"Oh, good heavens, no," the man replies, "I work for the Internal Revenue
Service."
;-)