Jokes

[bliss]

Life would be perfect if:
Anger had a mute button,
Mistake had a back button,
Hard times had a fast forward button
&
Good times had a pause button.
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A very well-built young blonde was lying on her psychiatrist's couch,
telling him how frustrated she was.
"I tried to be an actress and failed," she complained. "I tried to be a
secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being
a sales clerk and I failed at that, too."
The shrink thought for a moment and said,
"Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?"
The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts,
points it at the shrink, and says,
"Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!"
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A kid had sex with his teacher....

So the kid just got of school and he got into the car with his mom. The mom asks, "What did you do at school today?" The kid replies, "I had sex with the teacher." The mom was furious so when they got home, she told him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home. Well the father came home from work a couple hours later and the mother told him what their son said. The dad walks up to his sons room and says, "Son, I'm proud of you. I'm going to buy you a new bike." Later that day they got the bike and the father asks, "Would you like to try it out?" The son replies, "Not now. My butt still hurts."
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"Push harder" I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.

"Screw you" she screamed back at me.

Bit harsh I thought.... It wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital
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My wife and I had words last night, but I never got to use mine.
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I do what the little voices in my wife's head tell me to do.
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Technically, Humpty Dumpty was a crackhead.
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Beer is a gateway drug to aspirin.
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