Jokes

[cobra de capell]

Duck walks into a hardware store. "Got any duck food?" he quacks. "Sorry, no," says the proprietor. Duck leaves.

Next day the duck is back. "Got any duck food?" "No," says the proprietor. "I told you before. We don't carry it."

Next day he's back again: "Got any duck food?" The proprietor glares at him. "Look, buddy, we don't sell duck food. We never have and never will. And if you ask me that one more time, I'll nail your little webbed feet to the floor."

Next day the duck is back. "Got any nails?"

"We're out of nails today," says the proprietor.

"Got any duck food?"
_____

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I'm quite sure. The duck is dead," he replied. How can you be so sure," she protested.
"I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes turned around and left the room and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, looked at the bill. "$150!", she cried.. $150 just to tell me my duck is dead?"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry." "If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan. It's now $150."
_____

The rest of the country is debating on whether to get rid of the death penalty... In Texas, we're putting in an express lane!" "If you come to Texas and kill someone, we will kill you right back!"
_____

"You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think."
_____

A Cuban walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder.
The bartender says, "That's cool. Where'd you get it?"
The parrot says, "Cuba, they're everywhere"
_____